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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3... I like to hear about other folks IC sessions... It helps me think about it... heal... I think your IC is wrong about love... I'm 100% sure my W loved her boss... She made physical love to him, she gave all the things that I know are love... However it was an unhealthy love.. she also was loving me, or as Iwant always says, a "Faked love"... but I know She loved me. It was real to me. Anyway, that was back then. Today.. She is not loving OM anymore. I have no idea what she thinks today?? She tells me it was stupid what she did... I don't beleive she would tell me her real feelings about OM... She may think about him like I still think about my first girlfriend.. I have good feelings about my first long relationship... however, I'm not loving my 1st GF anymore. From all I can see today, my W is loving me in the ways a W should be loving a H.. I do beleive someone can hurt with any infidelity the same as LTA...

UK... Thanks for posting what your H wrote... It’s good.

Oh.. more on forgiveness I see… lol

…and forgiveness impossible

Did you know that the five “big” factors of personality are Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism? And here is a study about… Personality predictors of levels of forgiveness two and a half years after the transgression. http://personalpages.manchester.ac.uk/staff/alex.wood/forgiveness.pdf
Conducted by some academician in the UK.. lol…
Anyway to spare you the read, I cut and pasted a few things…

Sometimes those failing to forgive are unable to resolve issues with the perpetrator of the offence, with individuals being vengeful or avoidant of the perpetrator and showing a willingness to take revenge. However, positive processes can be involved in forgiveness; with deliberate attempts made not to avoid the perpetrator of the offence, with reconsideration and reinterpretation of the feelings and thoughts around the event.
(Confront it! Understand it for what it was… without revenge!)

Across a number of studies, the most consistent, and often most statistically significant, finding, is that higher levels of forgiveness are predicted by lower levels of neuroticism.
Neuroticism - It is an enduring tendency to experience negative emotional states. (In other words.. be positve!)

This study confirms statistically earlier 2005 study.
(presence of positive forgiveness thoughts and feelings, absence of negative forgiveness thoughts, feelings and behaviour, and forgiveness likelihood…)

higher levels of extraversion and conscientiousness have sometimes been found to correlate
significantly with higher levels of forgiveness.
(To care about others more then you care about yourself)

no statistically significant relationship and no correlation size of above r = .20 has been reported between any measure of forgiveness and the openness personality domain.
(This means intelligence has no bearing on forgiveness)

One big conclusion I got from this study is this… avoidance is a bad thing. This would be on reason a separation is not so good. Goes on to say empathy is good.

The third is the Restoration of Interpersonal Closeness, in which the inhibition of avoidance behaviors and the facilitation of conciliatory behaviors
(such as co-operation) are crucial (Don’t be shy nor avoid it… )

Have you heard folks say that in order to reconcile, the wayward must also forgive himself? I find that about every Wayward wants us to just forget about it… move on… bury it… put it in the past… Exact opposite of a personality trait you are suppose to have to forgive!

Oh brother…

Dip... that's a woman thang...

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:54 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want you all to know that my FWH FINALLY told me last night what my faults were!!!

1. I play on the computer while he watches TV.
2. I do not put the dishes in the dishwasher after supper.

So that's it everyone!!! After three hours of heated discussion, (with me doing much of the talking) I know where I went wrong!!!

I figured everyone could use a good laugh!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: very impressive!!!! 2 little things and you will be perfect! lol


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

To care about others more then you care about yourself

this phrase jumps at me and i want to jump at it, on it and then throw it out....i did this for over 23 years and this is what it got me....no, no and more no....its time to care about ourselves first and foremost, no longer sacrificing for adults who are more then capable of making their own stupid choices and decisions that affect everyone else in their lives...sadcifice and put your children first but never again will i ever put another adult first if its not in my best interest too....

ok, end of rant...

fun: dishes and too much computer time...wow...that is easy.. ...

so i wonder is stupid one of the traits of a typical ws...


......so many of us seem to have married people with this penchant for doing and/or saying stupid...the kind of stupid that makes one question whether or not the spouse is retarded in relationships...oh now that was stupid of me... ...of course they are retarded in relationships... , we wouldn't be here if that weren't true, would we ...sorry i had a momentary lapse of others abilities...i forget sometimes... ...


allgood: you sound good..


honest: you are sounding a bit more sure of yourself again, i am glad you went back to ic again today...your ic is good people and smart to recognize the need for today....

time to lawyer up girl...get the numbers from allgood and take care of business...


dip: you have guns???? ...remind me to stay on your good side...and every personality i own needs to stay on your good side...


ukgirl: you are on a roll today, too bad you were not a lawyer here, then we could put you on honest's case...now that would be a bout for history i believe...


well as for the types of 'a'...well i could say from personal experience that the ones that involve love are the worst...next comes the lta, no love but time...lots of time...next would be the ones that the ws is so entrenched in, the ones that become eat sleep and do the skank...and finally the ons at a dead last on the one s that hurt the most....

i've experiences all of those...and i am sure there are still a few discoveries i may never have the displeasure of knowing...even the ones that were attempts hurt...it all hurts, but some just have a lasting value to the pain, a depth to the pain that the others lack....it still amazes me how many different depths there are to pain...and i think when you love so deeply and unconditionally the pain depth is just off the radar...

yup i married an emotional retard...

lostoul: you have not checked in in a bit, and i know you are in pain these days, what seem like everyday...mother's days is fast approaching i hope you spend it with your grandkids...fill up on the joy they bring...

i don't know what everyones plans are for the day...i am hopefully playing with my teenagers....its the day they have to play all the board games i love...and ironically one of my favorites is clue...i am pretty good at the game...the real life clues...not so good....or maybe i should say i used to be not so good...thats kind of changed...poor poor pfm...not too many clues get by me now.. mwahaha mwahaha ha..
later....

((((((tribe))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually - I'm not doing too good - not sure why - it's been a long 2 days. In the morning, I'm feeling loving and hopeful and by late afternoon, I'm looking at myself in the mirror saying this cannot be my life. I should be on my way home now - but I'm not - no rush -not feeling any interest in anything.
No big deal really. Just sucks.
I'm trying to plan a weekend away for our anniversary - maybe that will help.
Peace all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Sybil, I have guns. I have not ever shot anyone. Yet! I just target shoot now. I am glad to hear that all of your personalties want to stay on my good side.

nofun. Stay off the computer while he watches T.V. This obviously somehow interferes with his favorite shows. If you do not put the dishes in the dishwasher after supper, when do you put then in there? Before supper? During supper? During breakfast? You need to see the error of your ways and get this little chore done at the exact correct time. Also don't make him do it. He will probably be needing to relax and enjoy some quality time with his T.V. after supper. Another bit of brilliant advice from a man's POV. Female rebutals are welcome and expected.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 5th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I am back in a more stable frame of mind. Thanks to all of you for your kind words and support. Kicked immediately into the 180. Remember how when we first got here we were told the 180 is for you. Well, it really is. It puts a protective shield around you so that the emotions stay outside. In addition, my H recognized immediately that this was another level of hurt. The shutdown of my interaction and emotion told him that I had “removed “ myself again to a protected place.
We haven’t had a lot of time to talk. I went to bed before he got home and he slept downstairs. Even the dog didn’t want to sleep with him!! We had a little time this am before he went off to work. He is remorseful. He knows he fucked up big time. More importantly, he admits he has a problem: he has an addictive personality in general and he is definitely addicted to alcohol whether he is managing it or not. He has offered and wants to get help. His IC is out of town this week but he is going to bring this up next week and get a referral to something less public than AA. He is a senior executive at a public company and we just can’t risk that coming out at this point.
It has been a setback but I realized today that it is about him and his lack of training in recognizing and maintaining boundaries. Obviously, he has more work to do. However, he adamantly stated that I am the most important thing in his life and he will do whatever it takes to not lose that. So we will see. I will wait and watch.

FNF and UKG: thanks for being there again for me. It helps that you know so much of the history.
And Miracle, you are officially the mother hen now….and I honestly mean that in the nicest way possible.
Ats: just want to chime in to agree with the other the AVERGAGE recovery from infidelity takes an estimated 2 – 5 years and none of us are dealing with average infidelity. In addition, that statistic is based on a non-foggy, remorseful spouse who is open, honest and willing to do all the hard work it takes to understand why they did what they did and to help you recover. (whew! Serious run-on sentence). You are still so fresh from the hurt and the TT – your MC needs to understand this and support it or you need a new MC.
Honest: you sound so much better. Be strong. Believe in yourself. The only person who can keep this divorce from happening is him by giving up his “other wife” <ugh! That gives me the willies to even type>. He doesn’t appear willing and is trying to bully you into accepting the unacceptable. Lawyer up sweetie. Also, I am concerned as well about potential physical violence if you don’t acquiesce. Can you have your older sons around more during this time? How about your awesome “insurance quote” friend!! Oh and BTW I think it is time for you to go shopping for tube tops, short shorts and high heeled sandals!!!!!!!!
Tryn - I haven’t seen that movie…maybe a reality check rental? Yes, he has a problem and we have a history of me minimizing or covering for him. Also, I have been drinking way too much since all of the shit hit the fan in ’07. Probably need to look at my own habits as well.
M33 – you don’t have to worry about me being harsh!! Harsh is my middle name!!!! I don’t mince words and I wear my heart on my sleeve. He knows he is on a tenuous thread right now and extra chances are not in the program.
Tryn and Dip: I have a completely different method for the countertops or whatever. I just do what I want and three years later when my H asks when we got the new countertops I just roll my eyes and the girls all laugh!!

Funall the time!

1. I play on the computer while he watches TV.
2. I do not put the dishes in the dishwasher after supper.

Ummmm seriously? Okay weeelllll, I am betting he doesn’t put the toilet seat down and he farts and scratches himself. So YOU WIN!!!!!

And on the topic of LTA vs. other....I unfortunately can speak to this because he did it all: LTAs, pros, ONS. The LTAs are the worst for me for two reasons (and a lot more). First, they SHARED things about me and us and my family. That makes me fucking sick. That he disclosed my life to these worthless tramps is disgusting. They were in my homes. They saw pictures of my children. They thought they were replacing something of me as opposed to filling some hole in him. (OMG - what a pun/discovery ) Secondly, he lied for YEARS AND YEARS which is why any slip now is devastating. I am never quite sure if I am looking at a real man or a mirage man. Are his actions honest and in place to show me his convictions or are his actions another way of sucking me back in? Much worse....much much worse.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl: you write so very well!! I enjoyed reading your post, and you weren't going on too much. Sometimes when we vent and let out emotions in writing, others can really relate and say"I feel the same way!" It can be validating.

tryn: I am really happy for you that you were able to forgive your WW. I agree that forgiveness is something we can all strive for. I have forgiven my xWH. It took me many years of reflection and understanding.
As for my current WH, if the hurt he caused is over and done with and he is not causing any more pain, perhaps I could start down the path of forgiveness.

BUT, if one is still receiving the pain and injury, it is almost impossible to forgive someone who is still hurting you. When you feel secure that the pain has stopped, then maybe you can.

LOL nofun!!! Simple answers!! No more computer and get those dishes in on time and all will be well!!
My xWH told me something similar: the reason he left me was 1. I sometimes forgot to mail the bills right away. 2. I didn't always come right to bed when he went to bed, I stayed up for a few more minutes!!

That was the only two things he ever told me!!

HS: I'm sorry if I have to put my two cents in, but with AA, there are meetings in other towns that he could possible attend. Also, it is anonymous. I would like to send you a pm.

Allgood: I'm so sorry you are feeling down. You have been riding the rollercoaster, I can tell.
I know you are trying so very hard to be strong for yourself, your kids, and WH, plus you are working full time at a job where you have to always seem to be in control.
You are a strong person, but even the strongest person needs a hug and help.{{{{allgood}}}}
Vent here, please!! Get it out!! You have helped so many, especially me.

miracle: yes, I agree that the WS's of LTA do have some kind of relationship retardation. I wonder if they really know how to have a "real" relationship with someone.

ETA: I said to WH yesterday let's just be kind to one another right now. I just meant that let's not be mean. Anyway, today he gets off the phone with someone and looks angry, I ask is everything ok....later he looks angry again and I ask. He tells me some problems with work. Later, he still looks mad and I said "are you ok?" His response? "I'm not ok, I feel like you are watching my emotions and reactions and are monitoring me."

I wrote an email telling him that I will no longer ask him how he is feeling.

I am too nice. I went to IC again today, read some on the NPD thread. I'm not dealing with a normal person. (no shit Sherlock!!!) Regular 180 has backfired on me in the past, and backfired again this time. IC says don't engage him when he starts his shit, just say, "I know what you said, and I don't agree" and walk away. I cannot speak logically to him about any actions he takes or does because he can never be wrong.

Boy, oh boy, do I pick them or what??
My mother has BPD, my father a sober alcoholic with NPD traits, xWH an alcoholic and a perfectionist, and current WH an NPD/bigamist!!!

I call "rights" to my story. Now, if I can get UKgirl to be my "ghostwriter" maybe I can make enough money to get away from WH!!!!

But seriously, the rollercoaster was pretty stable for almost 2 months and now it's making up for lost time. At least the lows aren't making me paralyzed, although they did the other day when you all saved me, but the lows are very very painful.

I'm trying to regain control of myself again.

Hugs to all of the Tribe.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
feelinginthedark
♀ Member
Member # 10933
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does any one here have problem with the other women coming to you and your spouses or sig other's house?

Can pm me or start discussion here. if anyone is having an affair this is a place they eventually want to go because it saves them money , especially if the affair is longterm


Feeling


Posts: 606 | Registered: Jun 2006
feelinginthedark
♀ Member
Member # 10933
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does any one here have problem with the other women coming to you and your spouses or sig other's house?

Can pm me or start discussion here. if anyone is having an affair this is a place they eventually want to go because it saves them money , especially if the affair is longterm


Feeling


Posts: 606 | Registered: Jun 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want you all to know that my FWH FINALLY told me last night what my faults were!!!
1. I play on the computer while he watches TV.
2. I do not put the dishes in the dishwasher after supper.

Well now, if those aren't grounds for divorce, I don't know what is!!
That was hilarious. I certainly did get a good laugh out of your post.
Here is my H's list:
I don't iron his white shirts. (I send all his others out but the white shirts come back gray so I wash those and they never seem to make it back into his closet. )
I also don't follow my H back to bed and he has to lie in bed by himself for a bit.
And my personal favorite - I'm too sterile!!!WTF?????
By this he means that I like to shower before sex and he would prefer au natural! Sorry for wanting to be fresh and clean.
Thanks for posting this because it's so good to hear that my H isn't the only one with ridiculous "excuses."

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:36 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun… My W used the I am on the computer too much too… I told her I cannot give that up. It’s me. I started using a computer back before we got married. I had the first computer ever mass produced… a TandyTRS-80… and in fact, she hated the fact her wedding gift to me 25 years ago was a 6” floppy drive… lol… I still have both on display in my home office because they are special and now may be valuable as a collector’s item… Anyway, it sounds like he asked you for 2 things… He wants to be loved with more quality time… and loved with the gift of cleaning up after dinner… So what love is he going to doing for you?

Iwant.. I didn’t do that study, just passing on what they say is successful for you to forgive… I actually agree with it…

Allgood… even today, I sometimes get down… I founds some things that work for me are to face it straight on… I call my W and asked what fun stuff are we going to do this weekend… It sometimes can pull me out…

Feelinginthedark… no way OM comes around… He is asking for trouble he brings his ass around me… I might cuss him… lol… IC says walk away… I might do that… Boy oh boy I need some more help… Yes.. This is my therapy and yes it is FREE! Thanks all here…


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call "rights" to my story. Now, if I can get UKgirl to be my "ghostwriter" maybe I can make enough money to get away from WH!!!!

I actually think this is a great idea!
Honest - I am glad you are sounding so much better. Your strength amazes me. Your H is really a difficult person (and that's putting it mildly) yet you seem to be in control. Just out of curiousity, do you ever let your H see your anger??? I would be a raving lunatic but you seem to be able to control that. I think in your case that is the best approach. I'm just not sure I'd be able to with the way he baits you.
HS - You're sounding better too. I'm glad your H's response was to admit that he needs help. He really does show a lot of commitment to making changes and this one setback, although painful, maybe just helped him to see that he has to be completely dedicated to his recovery.
Allgood - Are you feeling any better today??? The rollercoaster is tough but I have confidence that you will be on the upside very soon, if not already. You too are strong. As a matter of fact, I think we have a very tough bunch here. We should all give ourselves a pat on the back. It's amazing how much we have all had to survive and yet we still maintain our sense of humor, our integrity and most of all, are ready to help each other when one of us is down. I love that about our group.

ETA - Feeling - it sounds like your H is still involved in his A. Not sure if I'm reading this right, but since you're asking this in the present tense, perhaps your H's A is ongoing.
I can't answer this for when my H was involved although I have always thought it was possible, especially since I would go on vacations without him. I don't do that anymore. But that is something I doubt I will ever know and I don't bother to ask. Too late. If your H's A is ongoing and you fear they are having sex in your home, perhaps someone can recommend a device that would help you prove this. I saw on your profile that this is what you're looking for but I have no knowledge of anything like that. Maybe someone here or on Investigative Tips can help with that. (((Feeling)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:17 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we have a very tough bunch here. We should all give ourselves a pat on the back. It's amazing how much we have all had to survive and yet we still maintain our sense of humor, our integrity and most of all, are ready to help each other when one of us is down. I love that about our group.

I agree.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And Miracle, you are officially the mother hen now….and I honestly mean that in the nicest way possible

wow, i am official...listen up children...this sunday is my day...whachall gonna do for me.. and i mean that in the nicest way possible..


allgood: i am so sorry to hear that you are not doing as well as you sound...hopefully this will be a fake it til you make ride...i get the sense that you are so afraid of going there in your heart...he is doing what he is supposed to and you need to be prepared for that other shoe to drop...and if this is so i can so understand that stance...but i hope that with time you will let that stance fall..

hs: you do sound much better, much more in control...and i know that sucky feeling when you lose control or you feel you are losing control of anything and everything..

honest:

IC says don't engage him when he starts his shit, just say, "I know what you said, and I don't agree" and walk away. I cannot speak logically to him about any actions he takes or does because he can never be wrong.

smart ic...very smart...it really is the perfect 180 for him....

i think the 180 concept is just that a concept, one that can be adapted to fit your needs ..not all aspects of the 180 fit all...so modifications make it fit each of us when necessary..


feelinginthedark: i am not exactly sure what you are asking...or looking for...


fnf:

Thanks for posting this because it's so good to hear that my H isn't the only one with ridiculous "excuses."

i think this is in the ws manual that dip talks about..

I think we have a very tough bunch here. We should all give ourselves a pat on the back. It's amazing how much we have all had to survive and yet we still maintain our sense of humor, our integrity and most of all, are ready to help each other when one of us is down. I love that about our group.

I agree.

i agree too!!!


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun: I just had a thought. Perhaps you should start a thread in General:
"Ridiculous Excuses for the Affair"

Some of those kinds of thread get great responses and serve 2 purposes: 1. validation that you aren't the only one who got lame excuses 2. Just plain humor.

Just a thought!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ridiculous Excuses for the Affair

Here is a popular one... and I got this one...
“It just happened...”

Then the BS that followed was incredible… The years of trying to justify her actions to herself… It really is pretty sad as I see it today.

I finally know the real reason in just two words… Greedy Selfishness!

How fun would it be to enjoy the attention, conversation, sex… without all the other stuff of a relationship like washing dishes, laundry, raising kids, paying car notes, etc….


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive: lol, I SOUND so strong!! Inside, I'm like jello
I do have a problem releasing anger. If I do, I end up sounding like I'm speaking in tongues and gibberish comes out!!
I do yell at the kids, things like "Stop playing ball in the house!!" The joys of boys!

Anyway, it works better if I try to speak calmly to HRH (his royal highness). Otherwise, he shuts down for days and the cycle over the years was that I was the one who ended up apologizing to HIM!

ohhhh yes, he baits me!!!

Miracle: I tried the 180 when WH came home this time, and as I said it backfired. Now he is withdrawn and sulky and I can't seem to communicate with him. I want to talk about the finances, but I have to wait until HRH is in a better mood.

You are right, the 180 is a concept of getting it together for your inner self, your inner strength and not a set of rules to follow. It must be modified for everyone's particular situation.

Allgood: I hope you are doing ok. We're thinking about you.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really wondering how much FWW is in R, or just here. She, and the MC, say she is doing work and making progress. I hear her explain some, but is seems like a C+/B- effort. She still withdrawals from me if she thinks that I am upset. She still cannot or will not share her feelings with me if I anger her or hurt her feelings.


Soon after DDay FWW told me that she had checked out of the M, and that was why she had the A's. She now says she always must have loved me, but felt unloved. She says that what I see as not making progress is because after blaming me for everything that went wrong for 20 years it is hard for her to shift gears, even though she says she sees that she was wrong.

She left out many things hinted at in discussions prior to her recent disclosure of additional affair details. No mention about a gala she attended with him, a fancy special meal at a restaurant out of town on travel, flying first class with him on another trip. When I asked about these items not being included, she said we already discussed them so she left them out.

In her recent 7-page disclosure she had 4 pages on OM#1 (14 month A), just 2 pages on OM#2 (30 month A), and 1 page on some other acting out and apologies. When I recently told her I might want her to provide some additional details, something she had offered to do in the disclosure, covering the last two years with OM#2; she asked why? She said it was all wrong, any good feelings from then were "tainted" by the A, what purpose would it serve to go back over it?

So of course, I am now back where I was before the disclosure wondering what she felt she wanted to hold back still. Is she still maintaining romantic or positive feelings for things she did with OM, if not for OM himself? Or, is this just my lack of trust and paranoia expressing itself?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:19 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what my IC was saying is that whether your spouse has had a ONS or an LTA, it's equally unacceptable and the steps to reconcile are EXACTLY the same. The LTA spouses are less likely to reconcile -- but they have to do the same things as any wayward to achieve true R.

Believe me -- my IC is so sympathetic to my situation -- the whole thing is just incestuous. And YES -- the OP does think they're going to replace you; OW was always trying to get close to my kids (they LOVED her) but then behind our backs kept saying to our nanny how awful it must be to work for us since our kids are such spoiled brats. Next thing you know, her house is painted the same color as mine, she buys all the same pets we've got, her dragonfly shades match my dragonfly lamp -- she told my other nanny that "there are some men you just don't marry no matter how much you love them because they just won't make good providers" and the more $ my WH made, well, she did the math and figured she'd had first dibs on him so enough said. WH buys me a lot of THINGS, and that's how he shows his love, but they're just things, KWIM? I'd love him just as much in a tiny shack. But during the A he built us a huge 7 bedroom house in a fancy neighborhood and since Dday he's bought me a couple of thousand dollars worth of custom made jewelry and a 46' yacht. Nice, don't get me wrong, but NOT the solution. It only makes an impression on me because I know that for him it's an unspoken powerful expression of love. Him getting up every morning to get the kids ready for school, and being home for dinner every night and never working on the weekends even though he has a super-demanding high-power job means a million times more. But it's all wonderful.

Anyway -- I always say you have to accept everything that goes with who you married. If you marry someone who plays golf every Saturday; don't complain they play golf every Saturday when you get married! Take up golf or make it your "me" time. Similarly, OW's BH met her as a ONS and she didn't even remember his name when he asked her out again. How on EARTH is he surprised she's a slut? And me -- I was surprised because WH gaslighted me and I bought it, but am I surprised some women are going to chase a man who is making a bunch of cash -- of course not. It's not going to be the last time someone goes after him. (ETA -- though If I had to bet money, I'm quite sure he was the aggressor in this case.) It just better be the last time he goes after someone else. After all, if he's going to be fucking me and other women too, I do NOT see why I have to be the one washing his socks. Especially when I've already thrown down 4 kids . . . screw that.
Not really feeling bitter mind you. I'm having so much fun with WH because he's his "old" self in a good way. Now I think I've figured out what it is that I've been trying to put my finger on. I've got to help him to forgive himself. I think that's the problem. I can do that.

Baby is great. DS1's pet since he was 2 died and we had a pet funeral yesterday. He and DS2 were like the wailing wall with their grief. Poor kids. I don't get upset when pets die -- because they are ANIMALS. I enjoy them, but that's about it.

I'm writing up my cheating comedy routine ... I'll have to share it when it's got some more flesh.

One part of the bit -- a fake lower back tattoo that says "Slut" or "Tramp" You tell the audience that to reconnect your WH suggested you get matching tattoos and you got to pick, then you turn around and show the tattoo. That's one joke -- the next is something like. "If the shoe fits . . ."

[This message edited by m334455 at 11:25 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

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