That was huge for him and it made me happy. He has many issues and I seriously doubt he "gets it" at times. But he was all excited about the gift he got me and kept telling me "wait until you see what I got you". "I picked it out all by myself". Geeshhh...you would think he was 16 instead of 59.
I am trying to be positive but I can't help feeling that the other shoe is going to drop and send me spiraling down that black hole again. I've been sad for so long that to smile seems foreign to me now. I know all about that damn roller coaster but I seriously am trying to block out the horrid feelings because I don't think I can handle them any more.
Have you heard about some BS “getting back” or going back to the “scene” to take control… maybe this is one of those times… maybe even a trip to Vegas to confront..
I don't however, think I'm ready for another convention. I don't think I could handle it. I don't even understand how my husband could show his face at another convention. All those years I have gone with him, (he's been the president of his union for many years) those guys know me, I know their wives and then last convention H shows up with a bimbo? It sickens me.
He was not wealthy when he had the A. We were up to our necks in debt to the Bank and he was drinking heavily. He was out of his head with worry and our house was on the line if we could not pay back the bank loan. We both worked very long hours 7 days per week bla bla. He says he was out of his head with worry, the OW was a form of escapism he could forget all his problems in fantasy land. He thought he was unattractive and old (he was 37 then) and he was flattered, she made him feel good.
He says he was utterly mad and used to cry a lot and he did. Turkish men are not afraid to cry even in public.
OW is very high maintenance and spends money like water, perhaps she thought he would become rich someday as the business annual turnover was between 1 and a half to 2 million pounds 1986 - 1996. We earned a small fraction of that it was a garage petrol station, car sales, workshop so outwardly he looked quite a good catch. Lots of nice cars and lots of cash. OW wanted a baby as she was nearing her 40’s and H obliged. They broke up shortly after the OC was born as she turned really nasty as he would not leave me.
I think H is morally responsible to look after OC but OW has always worked too.
He did however for years joke to non Turks that he had 4 wives, needless to say after dday he has never cracked that joke again.
My H brought home beautiful flowers with my youngest - her smile was the best gift of all. I didn't lift a finger all day. AND I GOT TO EAT BACON (I must have been a dog in a past life)!
This is a big change from pre-confession asshole era which sounds like a geological time. He used to say something to the effect of "why would I do anything you aren't my mother". Okay, and the two and four year olds are supposed to cook, clean and shop by themselves dipshit?
Nope, he is all enlightened now and realizes what mother's day means.
And dip, tryn and ats, we have always made a big deal around father's day here. Not a one way street at all. Maybe less so for the last few years from my standpoint as I realize that no good father would make the choices he did. But, the kids are older and can do more on their own.
I was in tears last night as my oldest gave me a watercolor she had done of a small island in Greece where we had honeymooned. It was so bittersweet - her beautiful art and my painful memories. God, I love these kids.
and for the mudslides...most def a totally dif experience..my mudslides are a chocolately mixed drink complete with choc chip...YUMMY...i promise...try one..
fathers day..well til last year i always did the right thing for pfm...and even last year i did the right thing...now i do things the way of the bible....and eye for an eye....except i don't think i will get him any roses....unless they are dead.. ...but then i would have to explain dead flowers to the kids...so no flowers...
and meatloaf on a grill????
UKgirl. I was wondering if you are O.K.? No fucktard or fuckwit references? It just does not seem right. I hope you have a quick recovery from what ever is ailing you.
mr fun did really good..
and fun i think taking vegas back with a family vacation is perfect....you will be putting new memories in your heart....go get vegas girl..
hs: i am glad that your mom's day went well, and that mr hs did good after his misstep of sorts...
happy tears btw are not only acceptable on mom's day but highly recomended....
i'd like to share what my boys who will be boys wrote in their cards to me....
each card is really a piece of construction paper folded in half...
first will be ds14:
(and i mean it all)
inside flap , side a
inside flap, side b
day. i know that
we have had
in the past (this
morning), but today
should be all about Y-O-U. i"m
truely sorry for
everything and i
hope this won't happen
really big and super neat complete with a happy face in the o and on top of the paper..
inside flap, side a
a happy face and next to it a heart with the word "mom' inside
inside flap, side b:
even though we
you do deserve
this special day
even when i say
i hate you
i really mean
i love you
love your son
always and forever
ds16 p.s. >
love your son
always and forever
ds16 p.s. >
on the backside
i did at least get some laughs...and today when a friend called to complain about her boys who did write all the right things , she stopped after i read her these 2 cards and she is now very appreciative of her letters from her boys, who didn't decorate their homemade cards.. ...
Quick stop to say hello, and Happy Be-lated Mother's Day!!
Got in my car this morn to come to work and what do I find??? A very sweet card from H. He has a very long week at work and so do I, but he wanted me to know that he missed me! We just got home from a camping weekend, and it's always hard to transition back to the "real" world!
Things here are good... only have 7 full days and 3 half days of work... then 2 months of freedom!! I am so ready! We will be gone most of the time traveling. Not far, but at least away. My Dad will be 91, and I like to stay fairly close. Time in the future to go farther, I pray!
My daughter will walk the stage and graduate from college this Sunday! We are so proud of her! Not the best time for new teachers, but pray that she finds a job! This is my child that was most affected by her Dad's A! She has come thru it with flying colors and is stronger than ever! It definitely helped that her Dad has done his work as well!
Sure wish that more WS would get "it" and make things better! Someone asked me what made my WS change and I hated to say that I didn't know... but it just kinda happened! Slowly, he came out of the fog and then just continued to change and grow! I am sure that IC and MC helped, but it still has to come from them! They have to want to change and do the work. Find out who they were, and why they did what they did!! Sure wouldn't have bet on him doing that, but he did!
So always hold on to hope, but don't wait around for it to happen! I was physically there, but I had moved on and away already. Had decided that I would survive and thrive, with or without him!
Sending a welcome to all newbies. Sorry you are here, but the LTA group is AWESOME!!
Sending hugs to everyone else!
Remember to smile, love yourself, and belive in the future!! Make it the best for you and yours--- with or without the WS!!
Life is good!
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Yes, meatloaf on the grill. It is fantastic. IMO that is not as crazy as choc chips in a drink.
I figured that fathers day could be hard with the A stuff and then if the WH does not do a good job for his W on mothers day on top of that. The cards you got were nice.
Hugs to the tribe.
as always its wonderful when you breeze in....
will def be sending some si mojo for your dd for a job..and congrats on the graduate...is she teaching elementary or secondary?...
so far this am booger has not checked in on any forum...so we are prayin for ya to be safe and sound and draggin your butt to school...
allgood: they are funny my kids....i have lots of cards like that, i complained to them a bit on what cards are supposed to say and manchild tells me that he was really worried about what to write and he thinks he did really really well....he said if he had money and time (last minute man waited til the friday before and sat he was just home all day) he would have preferred to buy a funny card so he wouldn't have to think so hard.. ...he does make me feel so love and appreciated.. ...at least he makes me laugh
p.s. supposed to be another tornado torn day today in the west...sending those prayers for all..
FNF - you posted this a while back
there is a certain comfort I found in holding onto my anger and believe me I held onto it for a long time. It protected me - or at least I felt it did. It was my shield
Friday is my 22nd annv. I told WH there is nothing to celebrate. That we were not married so it just seems stupid. So, last night I got diamond earrings and a poem he wrote (I posted the poem in recon). He says it was a gift because it was "Monday". Why does the stuff he has done like this confuse me more.
I hope everyone is well and doing ok!
"why would I do anything you aren't my mother"
Atsenaotie.. I hope you are back talking to your W again… After reading your post I wanted to share something with you… My stepmother and I were talking a few months ago about her 1st M. Her xH and his FOO would handle conflict my just shutting down and not talking. She told me one time, her xH didn’t talk to her for over a month. . Needless to say… that is an undesirable.
Can somebody please post something to convince me that I should accept FWW having A w/ 2 men for 4+ years.
I have walked you path and someone who is R’ing and going to make it…. The agony, the distress and pain is inconceivable. I was near death and mentally sick. My anger was such I harmed my W. I hit my all time low this month last year. Angels saved me... some still post here... My turning point started 10 months past dday.
Let me tell you about today… My W and I have had much happiness and we are getting some real closeness back. There have been times it was stronger then when we first met. It really is a miracle… we both could have easily run away…
Oh well off on my soap again.. Peace brother…
[This message edited by trynhard at 3:31 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]
Miracle: I love the cards your boys gave you!!
I know it must have been a hard and frustrating day with your Mom, but it sounds like you did have a good time with your kids playing cards.
Allgood: I understand what you're saying about feeling you are not giving the kids enough when you are working. I always felt that about my two older DS's when I was working full time. But Miracle is right, we can't be there ALL the time even if we are a SAHM.
Just to share for all moms of boys.
Card from DS 30:
Front: picture of 3 boys on skateboard: "If this does kill us, our moms will!"
Inside: Raising boys - that's an extreme sport!
Happy Mother's Day!
DS wrote: "Happy Mother's Day. You did a great job."
So, Allgood, the kid I felt I wasn't giving enough time to, grew up to tell me I did a great job!
was pretty scary there for a while yesterday but nothing ever happened ...
We are in Jackson Co. in southwest OK in a region called texoma ... cause we are so close to TX ... yippee ...
I signed up for weather alerts on my cell phone ... since they do not have reverse 911 here ... and I will not here the siren if I am asleep ... so I hope to here the cell ... since I keep it right next to my head ...
and I am gonna go get a weather radio and some batteries for it ...
we have no cellar here ...
it is a rental house ... my school has built in storm rooms in the interior of the school ... not sure where we go at home ...
hmmmmm ... guess I better check that out ...
thanks for the concern ... I love ya'll ...
BTW my meadiation is this Thursday after school ...
Since I was divorced and remarried, I was hesitant about receiving communion and I did talk to a priest and he said it was ok and when I was down and needed God, it was the best time to receive it.
I agree with Miracle, talk to a priest. A lot of them have their Degrees in Pychology and can be helpful. Like any other counselor, it's always an individual/personality thing.
Keep us updated.
Nofun: I'm glad that Mr. Nofun came through! Good for you and him!
How can I go on?: UKgirl's questions are something to think about. Did your WS marry OW "religiously" even if it wasn't legally? Is your marriage registered in Turkey? I don't know if Turkish law is Islamic when it comes to inheritance laws.
I'm just suggesting that you should make sure that properties in England and in Turkey are in both your names.
You said that WH was very upset and crying in the car park (we say "parking lot" in the US) It sounds like he is remorseful to a degree and has chosen you over OW.
I truly understand how much the OC hurts. There is a thread about OC and something in the healing library about suggestions of how to deal with OW and OC. There needs to be little or no contact with OW and if there is need because of OC, then you need to be involved.
You have had a lot thrown at you. You've worked for many years and sacrificed a lot and then find this out.
Take as much time as you need to decide what you want to do, but you NEED to get things in YOUR name NOW!!
You can pm me if you'd like.
I hope everyone is doing well. Thank you to our LTA guys. When I read your posts, I know that the stupid things WH says is all BS.
I am trying not to engage and let WH "push my buttons" to get me angry. I'm trying to stay calm and in control.
I've realized the 180 does not work with WH. The 180 is internal with me and THAT's working. I'm "feeding" his NPD by saying things like,"oh, you were so smart bargaining for that ....." etc. Am I playing him? Yes I am. Just keeping him in a good mood. Is it hurting anybody? NO. He believes those things anyway
I'm not trying to get anything from him, but to be able to discuss finances with him in a few days. It's so stupid, I feel guilty about doing this (refer to my name). The irony is , that WH operates that way all the time. Charms and oils his way around everyone to get what he wants without any concern about anyone's feelings. It's all superficial.
I CANNOT reason with WH, or talk logically with him. I'm finally realizing this. It is so sad.
Sorry for the vent. I was feeling kind of hopeless for since he came home, but am trying to get some control over me. Thank you everyone.
you asked fnf how she got over the anger...i am not completely over it yet but i am working on it...and i believe its a choice...you can choose to stay angry and let it eat you up and turn you bitter or you can choose to deal with it, purge it and try to put it away one issue at a time, one hurt at a time, one trigger at a time...the anger is really a cover though, for pain, for hurt, for devastation....and that too needs to be dealt with...
if you are proactive in your healing and are fortunate enough to have a ws who is instrumental in this process you get through it one step at a time...if you do in on your own again one step at a time...but doing it on your own, when taking those steps to healing yourself..some of those steps will end up going away from your ws, hindering r or downright ending it...
acceptance is also key...finding a way for acceptance is letting go...and this is a really big step...
from what you posted it sounds as though your ws is really trying..so what i would ask you is are you?...i know that is not your normal question because the ws is the one who needs to basically bend over backwards..but what i mean is are you really trying to let it go, are you finding constructive outlets for the anger and the hurt...are you in ic, the ws has to work his ass off, but so do you...and you both need to work for the same objective...healing you and hopefully healing the relationship....but there is no real relationship if you are not healed...
honest: that card from your son is a good one.. thank you for sharing it
booger, good to hear from you, will send prayers for the next batch, check in with us again tomorrow K..
This ended up long.
Since DDay, progress for FWW and I always seems to come in bursts rather than slow and steady development, and the last week has been one of those bursts. I continue to be surprised and humbled by the solid support I get here at SI with just the right push or explanation at the necessary time. For those of you who have taken the time to understand my perception of my situation and then patiently point out the paths available to me, thank you.
FWW and I have been talking a lot since Monday when she forgot and left me at work. There is a lengthy, but understandable, explanation. Never the less, I was worried and pissed. I had to call DS to come and get me. While rationally I know she is not involved with someone, once I realized she was OK, I was right back to wondering whom she was with. When I got home, she tried to apologize and I made it very clear I was angry. Despite my anger and rebuffs at her attempts to reconnect, she did not withdrawal, at least not for long. This is huge improvement for her, and eventually that night she was able to get me to listen to her. I asked for her phone, she gave it to me and went over the numbers I did not know. She again gave me the logon for her computer at work. She explained she had deactivated her Facebook, not locked me out, and again gave me all of the Facebook login information.
During the last weekend while she was gone, we both had an opportunity to consider where our relationship is, and where we want it to go. I realized that I have been trying to do the R from a position of safety. Anytime I saw a potential to be hurt I would pull back and protect myself. It has never actually been anything real to protect myself from, but I was unwilling to be vulnerable. I see that this caution on my part has hampered our R attempts because I am retreating rather than staying in to do the hard work when we hit the difficult patches. Last night we talked about real commitment to the R, and I told her that I am now in completely, committed and fully vulnerable. When it looks bad, I will stay engaged and expect that we will work through the problem. I am willing to risk one last hurt, but if there is any breach in honesty or trust that will be the last.
FWW on the other hand has been sitting back waiting for me to take the lead on R, to see if I want her or not. While she was away this weekend she realized this is not working for her or us either. She is ready to begin work on herself to be the best FWW she can be. She will no longer be along for the ride, but will work to be a fully participating and integrated part of our relationship. She has been making progress on this, not just with me, but at her work also.
There is still a ways to go, for instance; as we talked last night, she mentioned that with me now providing the words of support and affirmation that are her love language she would have no reason to have an OM meet that need. BIG RED FLAG.
So we talked about how she needs to be comfortable with who she is without external validation. It is not my responsibility to make her happy or make her feel fulfilled. I can love, I can be supportive, I can speak her love languages, but she has to look within herself for validation. This was a big shift in perception for her, and she got it. She acknowledged that for all of her life she has blamed people for making her mad or unhappy, and expected people (me, OM) to make her happy.
Acceptance. She had affairs with three different men over the last 4 years and another OM about 7 years ago trying to fill an emotional void. During these affairs there was at different times all of the fantasy, infatuation, eroticism, thrills, and friendship you would expect. There was scheming, lying, and reckless behavior; and none of it was about me, it was all her. That is over now, she is embarrassed to have been with each OM, and there has been NC since DDay. I can feel pain when I go back over those four years, but the pain is for what she did to herself and the loss of what we could have had during that time. There is a wasted period of 4-5 years where our marriage just froze in place. I am ashamed that during this time I felt abandoned and let myself slide rather than being emotionally centered on myself.
Our issues now are communication and honest discussion of feelings. We both need to be able to risk causing a little acute pain to the other with a feeling so that we do not sweep the feeling and allow it to fester. It is a little scary that we will be “working without a net” for the next few weeks. This week MC is out of town, week after that we are out of town on a trip together (nervous).