A few years ago, in connection with my job (because BDSM is not something I've ever been personally interested in), I had to do research on the BDSM community. I went to a number of BDSM events and gatherings (conventions; business meetings; some parties; a number of seminars and "BDSM university" courses--which taught "safe, consensual, and sane" bondage, etc. techniques). I talked to many people in the BDSM communities (there are lots of them) over the course of several months, and I read many of the books in the actually very good library of the BDSM organization closest to me. (These BDSM organizations exist over much of North America.)
I learned a great deal starting with: the people were nothing like I had anticipated. For the most part, and with only a couple of exceptions (out of several hundred people I met through those months), the people were absolutely nothing at all like anything I had expected.
I made some good friends there, three in particular: one was lesbian, one was totally gay, and one other who was one of the nicest people I've ever known--and who loved bondage so much (both binding and being bound), he was (and is! 
) a master of it.
My thoughts on the subject of BDSM (which had been about 100% not-so-good prior to my beginning my research) were turned around just about 180 degrees. 
The reality just wasn't anything at all like I had thought it was going to be.
One of the things that was affirmed to me over and over again, time after time (by people who didn't even know they were doing this) was that the people who were part of this community had been inclined in this direction since the beginnings of their earliest memories. Some of them could tell the moment they became aware that they had deep BDSM inclinations, and often these "moments" were pre-kindergarten in age. They always knew they were "different," and most of them had suffered for almost all of their lives with feelings of shame and fear that, if anyone else ever knew, they would be ostracized.
Over and over again they spoke of how grateful they were that, through these people and these gatherings, they could finally explore what was, to them, this very important and fundamental part of themselves.
I don't know your WH, but it is at least possible that he is one of these people. If so, then he's possibly been suffering for almost all of his life from parts of himself that he has been unable (or largely unable, anyway) to admit to anyone.
Now that you know, is it possible that you could, in your own way, do some research to find out not only what is involved here (it is a multi-faceted world, and what some people do is not at all what other people do), but also whether you might possibly be able to come to some accommodation with these parts of your husband's inner self? (Assuming that he isn't just theoretically exploring, but is genuinely inclined in a BDSM direction.)
You will learn things that will expand your own self. (I did, and I didn't even participate in anything! )
More importantly, you will gain the knowledge you need to make the decisions you're evidently going to have to make.
I need to point out that BDSM activities like bondage, for example, often do not involve anything actually sexual or even nudity. There are plenty of bondage situations where both the bondager and the bondagee are fully clothed. If bondage is your husband's "thing," this may not necessarily be outside of the boundaries that you could have for your marriage. (Assuming, for example, that you were willing to learn about bondage.)
I am NOT saying "give it a try." I AM saying: Think about maybe learning a little. Ask for your husband's input. Do some research. Maybe even attend the Orientation meeting of your own, local, BDSM organization. (Orientation meetings involve nothing BDSM, but are informative only, for those who seek out this information).
Maybe you could even attend a bondage class--and you could just sit there and learn from what's going on around you.
This is how benign bondage can be: remember Cowboys & Indians? Remember being tied up to a tree? A lot of adults, who now count bondage as an important part of their lives, cite this as the first moment they realized that this was something that, to them, was very special.
It's something to think about, and even if you never, ever want to learn a thing about BDSM (I didn't; it was something I had to do), or go to a meeting, or read a book about any subject which falls under the huge BDSM umbrella, maybe after reading my post, you can give your WH just a little bit of slack.
Because one of the things I really do now know is that, if he truly is BDSM, he's been in a lot of pain over knowing this about himself for most or all of his life, and just that little bit of understanding from you--if you could find it in yourself to give it to him--might make a huge difference in balancing the feelings between you.
No matter what you both eventually decide to do.
[This message edited by Kjersti at 12:54 AM, March 12th (Friday)]
