SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
For Those Who Found Out Years Later
A thread for those of you who found out about affairs years after they were over.
Well, yet another "I Can Relate" thread I can relate to! It's all new to the BSs.
Are WS allowed to post here?
What about Mad Hatters?
I think anyone personally dealing with this situation can post as long as everyone posts with respect.
I think I belong here. I found out about 2 years after the A ended.... It makes for a different set of issues ....
While NC was not an issue, its also harder to piece together details that far out ...
Welcome to everyone ...
oh my gosh--just the thread I've been looking for. This will be kind of long and maybe confusing so I apologize ahead of time.
One of my very, very best friends (40 years now) was literally my rock through all of my marital issues. I'm talking a LONG time since my first D-Day was October, 1994 and the second was January 2006. The first time it happened she was all for staying in the marriage to make it work--the only friend my WH had in his corner at that time but it was for my benefit. The second time I couldn't file fast enough and she was behind me 100%.
I've known her and her husband since I was 14. We all went to high school together and I dated her husband's younger brother back then. We also went to college together. He was the only one she ever dated and they got married 6 weeks before my ex and I did. Our kids are all girls, and about the same ages. We spent lots of time together as married couples, vacationed--went out nearly every weekend with them.
Her husband is one of those guys that is wonderful--good job, dedicated to his wife and daughters--none of them have ever filled the car with gas or washed it--he does all of that. I always envied her because he was such a good dad and my ex was a shit. Even my girls looked up to him and after we divorced said they had better memories of times with him than with their own father.
He is just one of those guys that's a problem solver--always ready to help anyone, friendly to everyone, generous--all of it.
Although they had their rough times they had grown together and for the last 15 years or so had a model marriage--anyone who knows them would have agreed.
One day last summer my friend got an e-mail that said her husband had an affair about 16 years ago with a co-worker. The e-mail was from the woman's husband. The husband wanted my friend to know about it because his wife had been messing around with other people and they were thinking about divorce.
My friend didn't believe it but half jokingly asked her husband "Hey did you have an affair with *****? Her husband says you did." Her husband denied it at first but then said that he had slept with the woman twice, felt horrible about it, stopped and vowed to be the best husband and father he could from that time forward--which by all indicators he has.
Needless to say my friend was devastated. He has been super-duper remorseful and has literally done everything a wayward spouse should do in order to save the marriage and let her know that the person who did that isn't the person he really is. She has only told very few people because she doesn't want to ruin the good reputation he has for a mistake he made 16 years ago.
But she is still having a very hard time almost one year later.
There is no chance that they will divorce--she loves him, he loves her and she doesn't want to break up their family. She's done some therapy but she said it didn't help her much. She says they have a much better relationship now--they talk more, it's more real but it will never be the same and she knows that. She is second-guessing everything for the last 16 years and feels like it all was a lie.
I guess I'd like to know if there are others in this situation and how did it all shake out? What were things that helped you heal? What did your friends do or not do that helped or made the situation worse?
Any words of wisdom for me her best friend, a betrayed spouse as well, but in a totally different situation than she is? I want to help her and be there for her but other than listening to her and helping her talk her way through this what else can I do?
Again--if you've read this far--thank you. I know it's a long story.
I think it's hard to find out way after the fact. You try piecing things together and figure out what happened when. For me, I found out about all of WH's past affairs from the last EA/PA.
Finding out that he lied throughout most of our relationship was so traumatic. He only told me after he started counseling. Prior to that, I kept asking about any past incidences and he refused to tell me anything.
I wish I had not had my head buried in the sand for so long. I would have left long ago and not have to deal with a lot of things I have to deal with. Then again, I wouldn't have my youngest child.
Yeah, I can relate.
My WH PA's were from 99-04. I just found out this past Dec. when I discovered his two year EA. As a matter of fact, I was told in our first MC session. It was nice having a T on hand when your world comes crashing down.
I too struggle with believing my M was just a big lie but that is where the WS has to step up and remind you of the love and the memories.
I'm sorry for your friend and for you!
The good thing is, she will not have to deal with the OW.
I would be in jail right now for slapping his LTAP in the face if she was still in the picture.
I contacted the OW's husband "Today" through MYLIFE.com. The affair was around late 2005 and early 2006. I told him I had the email correspondence between my husband and her, times and places were they met.
I have been coming to my own terms of honesty. So far the OW BS has not gotten back to me, but I hope it ruined her like what she did to me.
[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 4:42 PM, April 9th (Friday)]
Oh ya, I can relate. My husband brought a woman to my bed and had sex with her 15 years ago and I struggle with that one probably more than the "happy endings" that were more recent. I knew her; we played softball together, not real friends, but I was devastated. My bed...but 15 years ago...It was the night before my son was born that they first "met" but nothing happened due to a DWI that one of the other guys he was with got, but a year later, bam....not sure what I really believe but I just keep telling myself that we really did have good times and he can profess his love for me through it all...he realizes he was broken and just couldn't get away from the "excitement" of the ONSs. Swears he always felt horrible after, but ya it really makes you question your marriage and in my case whether he really wanted that second child.
I hate this. I can't leave him; i love him too much which sometimes I just don't understand, but other times I just can't handle the pain of it all. I just want it to go away!!
Ah well, tell your friend to follow her heart. She was in the marriage; she was happy and he probably was too. It's all too complicated at times.
Hang in there.
I can relate.
I just found out on the 28 July 2008 that the OW I caught my WH with in 1987 that the affair had not ended but had continued until 1992 and that they had a son together who is now 20 years old.
He has kept in touch with the OW all these years because of their son and have for many years gone on holidays together while I thought it was business trips and I looked after our businesses without taking holidays. I neglected our two children while I held our businesses together over the years while he went to Disney Land in America and Paris had holidays in Turkey together and even bought them a holiday villa by the sea in Bodrum Turkey. While our children were always at work with us and no such wonderful holidays.
He has tried since DD to somehow make it up to me and I now have my big beautiful house in Turkey by the sea and in London but I just can’t forgive him for his double life.
AH yes! Yet another thread I fit into.
I found out that my FWS had numerous Pa's throughout our marriage. The one that seems to bother me the MOST(my biggest trigger) is he LTA he had PA 5+? years with phone contact for many years after. This was in approximately 1991-1996. Three of my four DS were born durring this time and she came to visit us in Florida, where we had just moved. She stayed with my bff and had Christmas with us at my home. She had sex withm my FWS in our van when he drove her to the airport. She was at my son's bris(a celebration at birth) She went to my Grandaughter's naming.(He says he doesn't remember her being there and they had no physical contact. stepd remembers her being there!)I found out about this LTA after months of counseling after DD 5/08.
I only found out length of PA about 6 months ago.
I don't remembers are hard when it was SO long ago. Yet when really questioned after the truth has come out it is amazing how many times he knew he was lying.
Still know I don't have the whole truth. WOuld love to call OP and tell her off. But then we would be establishing contact again.(He last talked to her around DDAY, before after of course"I don't remember"
Thanks mods for starting this thread! It's been hard finding support IRL for this, I've actually had a counselor laugh at me when I told her the As were 20 years ago.
In 2008 I found out that my H had cheated on me with at least 5 OW before we were married. For the first two years we were dating, and supposedly in a committed relationship, he was seeing other women.
I was surprised how horrible d-day was, even though the As were so long ago. I lost a bunch of weight, walked around like a zombie for the first six months. Around one year, anger really set in.
Trying to piece together 20 years of history and wonder what else has been a lie is hard. What else I missed. 20 years of trickle-truth has made me feel crazy. My life feels like the Truman Show movie. Looking back at some of the things he's done over the years is horrifying - One of the OWs became a "good friend" of his, and he insisted we stop in and visit her on our honeymoon!!! (I've had to do EMDR with that memory)
Even though I had him take a polygraph (he passed) I have a hard time believing that kind of behavior can just stop like he said it did.
Supposedly one day he just realized that I was the one he wanted to be with. I still feel he is inappropriate with women, and do suspect a few EAs over the years, just no way to prove it after all this time. He is going to counseling.
I can't even imagine how the people who find out about current As handle it. Sometimes I feel guilty when I read about stories that are so much more horrible than mine. I spend way too much time wondering what I would have done if I'd have known then. I don't know what to do now.
[This message edited by Paperclip at 8:02 AM, April 12th (Monday)]
I'm not sure if I belong here, but I was happy to see this thread started.
Mr.H confessed to being in love w/ my friend June '99. It wasn't until I called her in Jan '07 nearly two months after d-day for 2A that I found out it wasn't an EA, but a PA.
At the time, he talked so much about loving two women. About how wonderful she was- *she* took the time to learn the 10-codes (cop call in codes) and I didn't. Well yeah, her BH had been a cop longer and she had TWO men to learn them for to my one Basically, he was very convincing w/ the "I love her" bit.
Now he says it was just sex, she was just a fuck toy. That he did the love act to throw me off, thought it would hurt less than the sex. I feel like the truth is likely in the middle.
I also feel like my entire life since then has been a lie. I forgave and tried to move on from one thing when it was another. Had I known the whole truth at the time I would NOT have started a family w/ him so soon, if at all. I might have even D.
how can I go on- I'm so sorry he neglected your kids in favor of the OC. I hope at least he was a committed father to them while he was actually in the home? OC may have gotten vacations, but he still grew up w/out a father on a daily basis. The whole situation is sad.
To continue where paperclip left off. I found out 30 years after the first events with 2 other MOW in 2003. You can read my story for details. then in '77 there were 3 more, all OW who were in our life. And talk about "I don't remember". I became a detective to research when these all actually happened. And the doubting and second guessing is still painful, daily triggers and thoughts still happening.
Wondering what would have happened to our marriage had I know then and the questions about why didn't I? Could we have gotten by it and would he have been transparent. I doubt it, although he was and is crazy about me and we had the model marriage, good sex and the whole package. So for 30 years, I lived an illusion. Maybe that is the hardest to deal with.
I belong here.... I found out 28 years after my H started his As... But, right from the start, on some level, I always knew things were not right... I had the 'gut' feelings, the signs were there, the flags were everywhere, people would even make 'innuendo' remarks to me... But, I refused to see, and I refused to hear that my husband would cheat on me... HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME.
My first D-day came in 1978, around 8 years after his A's started and 2 years after he says he stopped???... But, at that time (1978), he denied, denied, denied and there it sat for 28 years. I ended up thinking I was the crazy one and I lived in denial. We were two people living in the same house, but separate. I built walls to keep him out and he built walls to keep his secrets... but, he lived those 28 years thinking I didn't know anything for sure; so, therefore I let it go and he was in the clear... and he was happy and continued to live with no regrets as though his As was just that... HIS, they belonged only to him. He lived by his rules where he never had to answer for anything... in his world there was no guilt.
Then Jan, 2007, I brought it up again… 28 years later. Only then, did I start to learn the rest of the story... OMG, I was in shock at the things I learned he was capable of doing. I was horrified at the extent he went to in order to be with OW (I knew her) I found out there were over 8 OW... one long term and several ONS. I knew three of the OW. I started learning that I never knew the man I married… I lived with a stranger for close to 40 years.
This overwhelming feeling would wash over me, and I would think "who is this man?... What happened to my world I had been living in all these years?"
It has been horrible, gut wrenching, painful, agonizing and hating him every other minute. I became so obsessed in researching the timeline, the who's, when, where, why, etc. And the doubting and second guessing is still painful, daily triggers and thoughts still happening.
I wished I had dealt with the hurt and agony at that time. Trying to piece together 30 years of history and now, I'm always wondering what else has been a lie. What else have I missed. I'm constantly asking myself... 'So, this is how it is... My husband supposedly one day, or one year, he just woke up and realized that I was the one he wanted to be with?'
Even though I had him take a polygraph (he passed) I still have a hard time believing everything he says.
It's been over 3 years now and I am still at times find myself on that roller coaster. I have finally accepted what my marriage was... We are together. I'm learning about this man that calls himself my husband. He is trying and sometimes, I'm happy and then sometimes I'm just sad. Stuff still goes through my head and I sometimes wonder if I'm just 'settling' for what is left in my life... or, is he settling for what left? I guess what I'm saying is I do have good days, but I still have bad days, too.
So for actually close to 38 years, I lived an illusion. My world was not my world at all.. And, that is the hardest part to deal with even though the As were so long ago. It feels like I lost the most precious and pure thing I have ever had, my love for my husband. My husband died.
I think finding out years later is so, so much worse... because it feels like my H kept his A's alive for an additional 28 years and that was his choice. His As still belonged to only him... his choice to keep me in the dark... And that was the way he wanted it... his rules. The extra 28 years just adds lies to the lies... makes your whole life a lie.
This has changed me profoundly... no other way to put it. I will never have the kind of love I had for my H that I had before his A's... there will never be that precious and pure love again... I think the pain will always be there. I love him, but it's different which sometimes I don't understand myself... I just want to make the most of what is left of my life!!
[This message edited by Bobbie at 2:25 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]
Yes it feels like my life has been stolen from me, if I had known that a child had been born two years after the A was supposed to be over, I would have been free to leave him and take our children and the child I was pregnant with at the same time as the OW I would not have had an abortion because he needed me to look after the business as there was so much money involved and he could trust me.
The OW had a much wanted child and was a doting mother to the OC. Where I had very little time with my children as I worked long hours 7 days per week for a business I had no interest in for a husband who chose to let me murder my unborn child without telling me what was really going on while his whore gave birth to her child.
He had the cheek recently when a much adored old pet of ours was put to sleep he told me that he did not believe in putting animals down not even when their quality of life was so bad. He does not believe in abortion. I said to him “You do realise you are talking to me? You let me abort my child while your girlfriend was pregnant. If you had been a decent person you would have given me the truth and I would not have murdered our child.” He forgets you see he actually believes he is a good honest person. He cannot bare to talk about it and says that you can not hang a man for something he did years ago because he has changed.
Yes my life has been stolen but he is trying to make me happy but he just has no idea of the pain he has caused. He goes about bragging that we have been married for 35 years of course omitting to say that he had a LTA and an OC who is now 20years old, and kept it a secret from me for over 20 years. Of course his family in Turkey knew and they OW, OC and my husband went every year together for over 20 years for a family holiday.
After D Day when I suddenly appeared on holiday with him the neighbours thought I was the Other Woman and the Whore was his wife.
The OC was text that his dad was seen around town with an OW which was ME!
[This message edited by how can I go on at 10:47 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]
The other child was told from a very early age that he must never contact his father otherwise he would never see him again.
The OC says he just accepted that.
[This message edited by how can I go on at 10:49 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]
Oh wow , I am amazed at HOW much later some of these affairs came to the surface.
For me, it was a relief that the A was ended and I had no " fog" to deal with...
For the rest of you , just (( HUGS ))
I don't know how any one else feels about this but I am sometimes glad that I didn't find out until now. Othertimes, I wished I would have known especially before we moved away from my family. I was young enough to start over by myself(and kids,of course)And my kids would have been raised closer to my Mom and sisters. We missed SO many years together and we were very close!
Then I think of how I would have felt raising my young kids alone and having the mood swings and depression I now have due to his A's. I was SO happy raising my kids when they were young( and I say my kids because I did all of the school work, meetings, running to plays, ball games, boyscouts, field trips ect ALONE. FWS is very sad about the things he missed out on because of his isolation, guilt or just plain sickness).
Well,I can't rewrite history so I guess this was my time to find out. I am glad for my time raising my kids. I had a blast!I was really happy. It was a happy time and when I look at pictures now I sometimes feel sad if I think about what FWS was doing but in reality I was Very happy! I try to remember truely how I felt. I will not allow my memories to be tainted!
Bobbie, your story is so like mine! You've put so many of my feelings into words it's almost scary! I also got years and years of denial from WH...I thought I was crazy. Every couple years something would trigger me...I'd ask him yet again and more lies.
There were so many huge red flags flying...I found letters from other women, I saw him with other women...he always had an excuse. I beat myself up all the time for not figuring it out back then. IC & SI is really helping me forgive myself for this.
HowcanIgoon- How awful for you! You're living one of my big fears - I'm terrified of discovering an OC, especially now that we're coming up on 21+ years out of the last A. (and others in WH's family have had a surprise OC pop up years later)
Like Bobbie said, this has changed me profoundly also, in ways I'm just starting to find out about. Years of trickle truth can really do a number on a person - I wonder how much my anxiety & depression issues have been caused by it.
Rollercoaster, I wonder the same thing myself. I doubt I'd have finished college if I'd have found out back then. The only thing I know for sure is that knowing the truth has been a huge relief for me. I can't describe it - all those things I saw suddenly make sense.
[This message edited by Paperclip at 1:46 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]