SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
For Those Who Found Out Years Later
I found out years later, but my H's Ap's were all ONS varieties, so there were no "relationships", so I cannot give experience on this.
BUT>>>>>>>> I have learned to go with my gut. I would rather take the chance that it is wrong and apologize for that to my H than second guess myself now and find out down the road my gut was right.
No more Mrs. Nice Girl. I have forewarned my H regarding this and he understands that I need to trust my gut and he knows I will not crazy making accusations, or anything, but that I have to answer my gut's questions.
Good luck figuring out which way to go and finding the answers you need.
Re: Polygraph counter measures...
My stbxh was all too willing to take a poly for his "one night stand." Just his willingness and sincerity was all I needed to feel that he had told the truth about his drunken "ONS"...that ONS lasted YEARS....and when I snooped on his computer in his temp files....I traced his googles to about 4 weeks of googling "how to cheat a polygraph, how to lie on a polygraph, how to confuse a polygraph." Do you know he was going to put a tack in his shoe and then step hard...pushing it into his big toe...during honest answers and lies....i found an email where he was telling her how he would do it. YES sweetie...they DO KNOW COUNTER MEASURES
and lie? Try this one...Uhm, why are you googling how to pass a polygraph? HIS answer: uhm because I love you so much and you are my life. I know sometimes the poly's are not accurate and I just can not lose you! I do not want to mess up and ACCIDENTALLY?!?!?!? fail the poly. I am going to tell the truth...but I just want to make sure.
They are counting on us to look at their puppy dog eyes and hear their sweet words and ONCE AGAIN they will be the perfect, honest, sincer, loving, misunderstood prince that we married....i woke up from my dream....4 years after a drunken one night stand that I know now from proof actually has last almost 6 years.
I found out after we'd separated. My gut instincts were confirmed. We've since D'd.
The hardest thing for me is that they are still together.
I want answers. I want to know how long it had gone on because I feel that those months/years were lies. Everything. The talks, the fights, the holidays,,,, every moment we were together .. all pretend. A Fantasy Land I wasn't aware I was living in. All the guilt I put on myself for our marital problems. Every stinking moment.
And as much as I want these answers; I don't equally as much. We have kids and he's a good dad. I'm from (apparently) the old school that I will protect my children from this pain. It's grown up issues. While I know it's he who did this; I won't be the one to let my kids know and ultimately change and possibly ruin their childhood.
So I suck it up and keep my mouth shut. That's hard because I have all this bottled up anger towards the both of them.
But in the end I'm a mom first and protecting my kids is my only priority,,,,
I knew if I logged on to SI enough, I would eventually find someone to post a question that has recently been plaguing me.
What I though was my H first and only A was discovered in 2006, roughly a year after he and his AP both ended it. It was supposedly a long term EA that almost became a PA, but he swears that it never reached that point(due to her refusal)
I went through enough hell, depression, anxiety, and God knows everything else to try to find out how someone I had been married to for almost 34 years(at the time) could carry on such a long term relationship with someone(his co-worker) that he had not known that lomg.
After IC on my part,plus antidepressants, and a useless session for both of us with a MC, he started to bend over backwards to make up for the s*** and pain he caused me.
For reasons known only to God,I found a month ago, some floppy discs that he had hidden in his home office. Since I discovered evidence of his "first" A by finding and playing a hidden CD that contained pictures of him and the OW at a private birthday party she had thrown him(at her house), I decided to load the floppy disc and see what was on it. If you know anything about these things, you know the year the documents were "typed" appear on the doucument. Well, I came across a couple of romantic poems(the same damn MO used with the last OW) and a letter explaining how he had known this OW for 13 years. Iknow then, that this was an A that I was totally clueless about.
I confronted him, and he confessed that it was not a PA, that it didn"t last very long,m yada ,yada, yada.
Now I find myself wondering if there were other EA's that I wasn't so clever at discovering. Most of all, I wonder what or who was/is this person who has been masquerading as my husband all these years.
I was so disgusted by his lies and lack of canscience that I flat out told him that I sdidn't love him anymoreand didn't want to be married to him any longer. Of course, now that he is olderand not in good health, he says he will pray that God helps us get through all the pain he has caused;he does not want to leave me,nor does he want me to leave him.
Right now, I have closed my heart to him, and regard him now as a live-in companion . I hate that I did not have the presence of mind to leave him in 2006 when I first found out what he was capapble of.
Wow, I guess I found another forum that fits my situation. I seem to belong to a few of them. I discovered on 10/14/10 that my WH had a cyber A for 2 years from 2006 to 2008. He was on some porn site having "sessions" with the same OW (slut) for two years while telling me that he would never cheat on me. Just because it ended 2 years ago it doesn't hurt any less because I just discovered it. WH tried to tell me that it wasn't cheating it was just a porn site and no big deal. He actually emailed this OW telling her how much he loved her and wished that he could hold her in his arms all night long. I told him he betrayed our wedding vows and it is cheating because they had sex just not in the same room together.
I found emails and pictures of things he did and it was the most disgusting thing I have ever had to see. I feel so stupid because I didn't know and I trusted this man more than anyone in my life. he swore that he would never cheat on me because he had been cheated on and knew what it felt like.
I have tried to get answers out of him but all I get is "I don't remember", that is bs to me. He can remember that it was only with one slut so he can remember the A. He says that he told her he loved her because it was part of the "game". So I wonder if telling me he loved me was also a "game". He was having this A while professing to love me. It finally makes sense why he never wanted sex with me no matter how I begged him. He was distant and always on the computer. He even did one of these "session" at work knowing he could have been fired.
He now admits that what he did was cheating but that he was doing "coke" so that was why he had the A. He knows he has hurt me but keeps talking about reconsiliation and I am still trying to process what he did. I wonder if he also had a PA with someone. Why didn't I know what he was doing? Why didn't I see the signs that he was cheating? I keep asking why but I know I will never get an answer to that question. I have left him and moved into my own apt. but I can't stop thinking about what he did. I can't sleep, eat or find joy in life. All I can think about is how could he keep this 2 year A a secret from me. How did he block it out of his mind and tell me he loved me? Who is this man? He is not the man that I married, this is some strange person I have never known.I can't stand to look at him but at the same time I miss him. We were getting ready to celebrate our 10 year anniversary and were going to go to the bahamas and renew our vows. God what a joke that would have been. I am glad that I found out about the affair but at the same time I wished that I hadn't because then I would hurt so much. My marriage was all a lie, a joke. I was faithful to him and loved & adored him.
He refuses to go to counseling so I do not see that we could ever reconcile. I am going to go to IC so that I can find a way to move on and find my self esteem. I wished he would go to MC but I don't believe he ever will, he thinks they can't help him. I wished he had never done this to our marriage. We had other issues but those we could have worked on and worked them out but this? NO, I dont think so.
Hi to all!! I found out about my WW's A a little over 2 years after it happened. Where we have struggled most in our R is that the impact of her A is entirely fresh in my mind, while to her, it has less of an impact because it happened so long ago.
Playing catch-up has been cause for MANY angry and heated talks. I had even contemplated contacting the wife of the guy she had the A with to compare notes and find support in this mess (because to this date, I have not been able to talk to anyone else apart from my C). I talked myself out of this, because it would only drag up the pain and misery that she lived 2 years ago (which is when SHE found out).
I typically find that my darkest periods are those in which I hold stuff in, or can't find enough quiet time to talk to my WW about the A. Life continues to move on, work pressures are ever-present, kids and their "opportunities" takes a bit more out of you, and days pass before you get to slow down and get some of the junk off your chest/mind. Unfortunately, these are all aspects of "normal" life that steered my WW into the arms of a man with no commitment or attachment to his own family. Tough to compete.
Part of me wishes that my WW would have simply committed to their relationship, got through the "honeymoon" phase, and realized that she would still have to face life's day-to-day challenges of having a family, and stressful job, a mortgage, two car payments, etc...
Better days ahead...
I never got to make an honest fully informed choice/decision my whole adult life. Cannot get that back.
There is no restitution, there is not making it up, it is a total and complete loss.
My H cannot say that he had the truth, he choose to have 4 kids with me knowing the truth, I did not get that choice. Being someones pawn sucks, even if they were not intentionally, maliciously doing it, it still sucks
Thi has got to be the worst thing...My FWW confessed to a ONS two weeks after we got married, I went nuts and left/came back a few times over the next few months. I thought it was a ONS.
However after 10 years of NC she bumped into him recently -July this year-(told me about it to be fair-I never would have known). Anyway I went into a panic, rows ensued and after two months of TT she confessed she carried on a PA over those few months in 2000.
Even though we had 2 young kids at the time I would have D'd her, I knew I could forgive a drunken ONS but not a full blown affair. Anyway 10 years and 3 more kids later she confesses. The last ten years have been great, but I just can't help feeling I've been living a lie. She thinks I should get over it, its 10 years ago, but to me its 4 months ago. I love her but have hit a brick wall, can't get over it and can't leave my kids. I pretty sure she hasn't seen him since July (as we all know you can't be 100% sure about anything lol)
[This message edited by Look2thefuture at 10:08 PM, November 5th (Friday)]
I just found out about 2 mos ago that my wife had a one night stand about 3.5 yrs ago. I think the part that hurts about finding out so much later is that she kept this dark secret from me for so long. It hurts to know that when we had discussions about infidelity, she was just lying to my face. I know how tough it was for her to tell me, but now I catch myself wondering what else she could lie to me about and for how long? I think my ability to trust her has diminished because of the amount of time it took for her to tell me.
I just want to chime in with my support to everyone.
I found out 3 years after the A ended, or, my husband ended it. I found out when former ow came back soliciting husband and he refused her. She then got very mad having been discarded 3 years previously and AGAIN refused years later, and spilled the beans on Valentine's Day 2008, and has caused a lot of harassment for YEARS after that 2008 dday.
I've read through this forum and agree there are similarities for me here. The fact that our spouse learned how to successfully manipulate us and got away with it is difficult to come to terms with.As with others here my husband had a technique for dealing with me that involved intimidation whenever I questioned his behavior, my suspicions.Once our spouse learns how to successfully manipulate us, they can use that to their advantage if they want to be evil, do evil things.
I think for us, my husband and I , everything changed for him when he came to an epiphany of sorts. He came to realize the life he was leading was wrong, not the way he wanted it to be, became guilty and ashamed. So he changed, ended it with her and recommitted himself to our marriage. Of course, I didn't know anything about this and the dysfunction he had created during his A continued within the marriage.He just replaced the A with porn, instead of hurting me behind my back with the A he hurt me behind my back with porn.After dday EVERYTHING changed BIG TIME.Not only was he recommitted , he was committed on my terms and these included no more porn, keyloggers on his computer/blackberry use, complete transparency including all his media and technology, getting rid of firends who were not a friend of the marriage, increased communication together, a redevotion to ****US**** and all things US including remaking our sex life. Major changes were made and he was willing to change and go along with the changes I insisted upon.So, that's how I know he loves me. He not only has changed in how he relates to me, but has agreed to and engages in major changes I needed as well. He tells me all the time how happy he is with ***US***and our marriage and relationship now. We do activily work to make our marriage the best, in all ways.
As I said before, our spouse learned how to manipulate us successfully and get away with their behavior.So, personally I think it is important to keep our eyes open if we stay in the marriage after dday.Transparency is super important. I pretty much watch my husband closely although he has changed, is changed, and is devoted and loving and is a model husband. I don't mind watching him so closely and do so to PROTECT MYSELF.
Another thing I have in common with many here is a lack of complete details. I know everything however details like the exact name of restaurants, exact conversations and dates, these things are missing. That's okay though because it
's been a long time of successful rebuilding as dday was 2/08 and I am content with the efforts my husband has made.
Another thing that I have in common with others here is suspicion. Because my spouse successfully got away with it, thought he knew me so well, I do wonder if there was others.I pretty much have come to terms with this also but there will always be that 1% suspicion.
I think the scarest part of this type of betrayal, for me, is the fact that someone thought they knew me soooo well, had me read so well and knew how to manipulate and play me for their own evil advantage.Someone could control and manipulate me, knew how to do it. I find that the pinacle of disrespect to be so used and abused and controled. I do not know if the fact my husband is a successful oldest child and I was the spoiled baby of the family has anything to do with the dynamics here that created this situation. We both fell very comfortably into our role within our marriage together and I wonder if doing such set up a predispositon for his disproportionate power within the marriage.
I think we all here have experienced great disrespect and for our marriages to succeed this has to be repaired.
I'm doing very well, the repair, rebuilding and recovery is going well.I'm so sorry for others who suffer so and are still dealing with their spouse's selfish consequences.
[This message edited by moreroses at 7:42 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)]
I have a question for all of you found-out-later folks: What did you do about the friends that knew about the A at the time and never told you?
We are not in contact with most of them anymore (it's been 20 years) but my WH has kept in touch with one of them - they talk to each other on the phone every couple of years, get together every four years or so. His wife sends us a Christmas card each year.
Now that I know about the As I am very uncomfortable with this. I don't know what to do! If it were a more current A, there would be no doubt that I would insist on no contact ever again. But it has been a long time, I can't help wonder if I'm being silly in insisting WH tell the guy that I know.
Ugh! I'm really curious how everyone else has handled this.
I found out 19 years after my WW short term EA and 1 physical encounter. She ended it then and even left her job because of it. She told no one but her mother and our pastor's wife. Her mother took it to her grave with her and the pastor's wife couldn't really tell about it.
What really hurts me is that the last 19 years of my life has been a lie. We already had one child when this happened but she had another child with me without telling me the truth. She impossed her will on my life so that she could have what she wanted.
Now, 10 mos after dday, she is remorseful but for a long time she expected me to just get over it. It was old news to her and she had buried it deep inside but for me it is fresh.
I am having a very hard time dealing with that. I wonder what may have been and if I was really meant to be with someone else. Any ideas?
Paperclip - to my knowledge (and H's) there is just one friend who knew about the A at the time. We did not socialize with him much over the years (although there were a few occasions and he did some work for us). H contacted him earlier this year (after I found out) to get his help trying to recall some information about the OP and the time, as H has forgotten much.
Anyway, the friend obviously now knows that I know. I have told H that I do not want to socialize with him and H understands. This friend, at the very least, condoned the A. At worst, he probably knowingly facilitated at least one encounter by giving the OP the key to his apartment when he was going to be away.
I wonder a lot about who else might have known or suspected, and I kind of wish I could ask people so that they would know that I now know. That's unlikely to happen, though.
I don't think you are silly at all to want this person to know that you know. There is power in this, and you deserve that power. You deserve to have people know that there is no secret any longer. If you want him told, he should be told.
I had posted on SI a couple of years ago regarding having just found out that my husband had had an affair in 1977. You can read the details in my profile...I truly wished this thread would have been started then...I didn't have anyone to actually relate to regarding the longevity of the time that it took to finally learn the truth. I can so relate to all of you who have said that the pain is no less than those who "have just found out"...It many ways...it feels overwhelmingly more hurtful...because...we actually do relive every day of our life as much as we can in the past years since their affair happened...and we question our entire life.
I had kept diaries for several years back all of those years ago...so I was able to question and piece together lots of details regarding our marriage and his situation at that time...His memory of course, would not be that vivid. He has claimed for the past 2 years that he can't even remember what she looked like. He only remembers that she had no breasts due to severe burns she suffered as a child and that she was skinny.
He told me 2 years ago that he had only been with her sexually 3 times and the affair was only about 2 months long. I questioned him for months because things weren't adding up regarding some of what he was telling me and things that I had written in my diary...vaginal infections that I needed to be treated for (had never had them before and we were married 10 years prior to his affair) that were several months apart. Actually, if it wouldn't have been for the trich and yeast infections that I got twice...I would not have even known that I had more serious female problems that eventually led to a hysterectomy in January of 78. He finally broke it off with her when he found out that I needed surgery...wasn't that nice of him. Just found that crap out about a year ago. The damn affair lasted nearly a year and he was with her more than a dozen times. He knew that if I had found out about it years ago...I would have left him in a heart-beat so of course, he kept it hidden as best as he could although if you read my profile you will read that he had concocted a bull-crap story about a woman from work chasing him, etc...He had told me that all those years ago to prepare me in the event she decided to contact me with "her version" when he threw her under the bus.
The really weird thing about the whole thing was that I as well as most people who have known us thought we had the ideal marriage. And...he insists that he loved me and had no intention of ever leaving me...and that the affair was never about me or us...It was what was going on within him. He was the broken one and she just happened to come along at the lowest point in his life (he had turned 30...new demanding job....no time or money to spend with family, etc...etc..) You know...all the usual lame excuses that most try to justify their actions with.
Anyhow...long story short...we have been 2 years into dealing with this and I am finally confident that I have as much of the truth as I will ever get in this life time. He has been a wonderful father and grandpa and has been for the most part "my very best friend" these past 33 years so although I have forgiven him I know that I will never ever get over the fact that for a period of time...he just didn't love me as much as he should have...and that what would appear to be an almost perfect union to others...is in fact...scarred!
Life just isn't fair most times...no body's perfect and even the most solid foundations can develop cracks. Bless all of your hearts...I hear you and have suffered with you...
Flowing Tears - I just wanted to say "sorry" for what you have been through.
It's good that we all hear each other and understand.
Just wanted to add a few observations regarding the positive/negative aspects of finding out about affairs years after.
The wounded spouse doesn't get to make the choice to stay within the marriage...that is a negative. I always knew that adultery would be a deal breaker for me. I guess he knew that too...that's why I didn't know the truth all those years ago..It does have you waffling with your own values....not a fair or just position to find yourself in.
The positive side of not finding out is that we were able to raise our children in a loving and stable enviroment. And they have grown to be wonderful, caring adults with loving families of their own. I doubt I could have given them the advantages financially had we parted years ago.
Another negative is never having been able to even see the OP....so it drives you crazy wondering what she looked like and what she had (other than the obvious...a willingness to perform sex whenever and however) that attracted him to her. He can't remember what she looked like other than what I had written earlier...no breasts due to severe childhood burn scars.
A definite positive is that you do build lots of history in 30 plus years after the fact...and if your husband has been wonderful to you...as mine has been...it does make it much easier to forgive him. The negative side to this would be that you realize there are things about your husband that you are never going to really know...or understand...even though up until the time you learned the truth about their affair you were believing that you knew your spouse very well.
I am sure that most of you have realized many other points both negative and positive regarding finding out so many years later. And..I would appreciate very much you sharing them with us...
One of the hardest things in this for me is not knowing if there were other As. I suspected him of cheating back in 2002 and his boss at the time told me that he had kissed someone. I confronted him about it then and he got angry at me for doubting him and he confronted his boss saying it was a lie. Now I wonder if I was right in the first place and it did happen. I wonder how many other times he has cheated on me but doesn't consider it cheating. I wonder how he could tell me for 11 years that he will never lie to me and then I find out all of this stuff? He was lying to me for the past 4 years but telling me he would never lie to me. What goes on in their heads to be able to do that? I have never lied to him or cheated on him and I have trusted him completely. Now I question everything he says to me. If he says he has to work on a Saturday I call his office and he had better answer the phone. In the past I never considered the fact that he might not be at the office.
I found out last night that he has a twitter account that I didn't know about and another email account that I didn't know about. There are no emails so I think when I discovered the first account he deleted any and all emails from all of his accounts. He is a computer tech so I can't use a key logger without him finding it and he knows how to cover his tracks.
I don't know if I can ever really trust him again and because of that I don't know if reconciliation is truly possible for us. I love him still but the trust is gone. He wants to sweep this all under the rug and look forward not back. He doesn't get that for me this is a fresh Hell he has dropped me into while for him it is long forgotten. I don't know how to make him realize that I need answers and that I don't trust him anymore. He wont go to therapy so there will never be the answers I need as to why he did it or why he felt it wasn't cheating. Some days I hate him and wished I hadn't moved back and other days I love being with him.
If I had known 4 years ago what he had done I would have divorced him and moved on with my life. Now I am 52 and have a grandchild who adores him and was devastated when we separated. I am still in hell and can't sleep due to thinking about what he has done. I want it to be over and not to hurt anymore but I know that it is going to take a long time for the hurt and anger to stop. It is so unfair for them to crush us like this and then expect us to "get over it" as if it was some little white lie they told us.
For everyone who is going through this I pray that we all heal soon and can have happiness in our lives once again.
He doesn't get that for me this is a fresh Hell he has dropped me into while for him it is long forgotten. I don't know how to make him realize that I need answers and that I don't trust him anymore.
I found out six years later. Probably had the same conversations with him as you have. I feel that I have to keep explaining although it is history for you, it is new for me.
I also am ashamed for not recognizing it at the time. We had so much conflict with lack of respect towards me from his oldest daughter. That we were arguing quite a bit back then, but not realizing he was cheating with his XW that he turned into OW.
He wont go to therapy so there will never be the answers I need as to why he did it or why he felt it wasn't cheating.
You may have to do something drastic, like a post-nuptial agreement. I'm sure others will have ideas. You have to take care of yourself.
What to do when you know nothing for sure and I really mean nothig definite
A money transfer of hundreds to an account I thought he did not use - when we were planning our wedding nd needed every penny - he transferred it and then took some of it out again Valentinesday ( 7 years ago) - if the moneey was for me or us why did he transfer it?
A text to another woman I found on his phone - I could hit myself now for not writing down the number or snoop futher for more texts - he says his friend used his phone as his battery died and the womnan was his girlfriend - I never met her but i contacted her on FB recently and got no reply - I hope I got teh right person.
Again 2 years later a pic on his old phone of a naked woman - my son found it and deleted it - he says he could only see the body, not the face - again husband says that his friens dowsnloaded it before he gave him the phone - son said at the time it was a snapshot but now says maybe it was a download - he says something like apples hid her face - whatever that measn .
And then finally husband leaves me and puts all the blame on me - says he gotten close to a co-worker but never cheated - I am now thinking he put me on a wrong path on purpose and gave me a wrong name - his current girlfriend is also a co-worker but not the same one -
he told me when le left that she got alwasy too close and touched his arm and that he didn't like it and now she is his girlfriend.
God this sounds so confusing.. even to me
I thought he had an affair with colleague 1 last year and that he did not like colleague 2 because she got too close to him -but he had both on his FB page which was hidden from me - and then around August last year - either him and colleague 2 defriended number 1 at the same time or she defriended both of them at the same time .
Either way something happened bnetween the 3 of them. i contacted colleague 1 and she wont talk to me and colleague 2 is now his offcial girlfriend but only since this year.
if this sounds confusing you should see the inside of my brain.
How will I ever find out any real evidence
bestrongforyou- You don't need proof to know. You already know. Trust your instinct. If you need to know for other reasons there is an investigative forum here to help. My FWH is alsp a computer geek and I will never find actual proof. I just know. His A was & years ago and I knew. I was visiting family and he called everyday like a good husband but one night there was something different. I can't explain it it was just there. I wish I had trusted myself, things would be different now for sure.
I found out recently that my WW had an EA/PA six years ago. I should have known and actually questioned her at the time. While the PA ended six years ago, the EA continued till November 2010.
She tells me that it really messed with her head. She fealt that the AP had something over her and that she was continually afraid that somehow I'd find out.
Meanwhile, during the six years, she developed a horrible drinking issue. Our marriage turned to crap...it was kinda bad before the affair anyway.
She seems to be completely into R right now. She is completely transparent. She wrote a NC letter to the AP and his wife. He, on the other hand, has attempted contact with her five times over the last month and a half. But she tells me each time he makes contact. She now hangs up or deletes his emails without a response.
Her wall around her is still kind of up but it's coming down slowly.
I'm on a major roller coaster of emotions right now. On one hand, this was a horrible slap in my face that jump started our relationship again. We communicate better than before and we are showing love again. But on the other hand, I just cannot get over the enormity of the six years of lies...it really hurts.
Triggers are everwhere.
Can anyone relate to this? It's so flipping upsetting.