She fealt that the AP had something over her and that she was continually afraid that somehow I'd find out.
I am so sad and depressed but we love each other and are doing the right things I think. MC, IC, full access to all her accounts. But I still worry.
The asshole keeps trying to contact her. She just deletes his emails or hangs up.
I read a post from you today. You are new. It is not too early to R.
We've been together 24 years and M 20. The last seven have been a living he!!. He blamed my chronic illness, the problems we had with our kids, and then my grandson.
I tried to do everything and just about anything to fix our problems. I'm sure many of you know how I felt when he confessed in MC(I did finally get him to go) that he had had a short sexual fling. I just couldn't believe it. I still have a hard time believing it as it contradicts everything I believed about him. Now I find I am having a hard time believing anything he says. He says he loves me but thats hard to accept. How can you treat someone you love with a total lack of,?? I'm still on the fence as I feel I still don't have the whole truth about it all. I was basically wondering how you stayed, if you stayed? I also wonder what's the best way to go on?
I somehow missed the request to post the positives and negatives of finding out years later
Positive: Had I found out at the time, I'd probably had a nervous breakdown, and not been able to finish college.
Positive: SI was still years away, and I was so young. I would have blamed myself unceasingly for his affairs. I would have figured that I must have been defective somehow. Maybe I would have bashed his car up (or him) and gone to jail. I would have probably at that point giving up dating, like one of my friends who was cheated on in college. He never dated again, he was so broken hearted.
Negatives: Never got to make an informed choice about the man I married. Put up with alot of crap I wouldn't/shouldn't have tolerated due to gaslighting. Should have spent more time working on a career or going back to school to be able to support myself. Tolerated way too many years of my ILS bad treatment and thought it was my fault. Having to think about 20+ years and wonder what was real or not.
So much to wonder about...!!!
[This message edited by Paperclip at 4:07 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]
I know how difficult it is to reflect on the years you have spent with your spouse and to wonder if what they did and how they responded to you at certain phases was perhaps directly or indirectly involved with their past behaviour. I have come to the point in this journey where I just need to be concentrating on each new day and not dwelling on those past years! It is what it is and we can't go back and undo any of it.
In my case...the past 33 years have been for the most part very good ones and we are closer now as a couple than we have ever been. He learned very quickly that the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence and that what he had with me and our children was worthy of keeping. I have not had a reason to think that he cheated with anyone else since that initial infidelity.
I hope that more of you will be able to respond. And for those of you who are still struggling with all of this...I pray that you will soon find peaceful resolution and enjoy each new day.
Thanks to those who have replied regarding postives and negatives.
I think about this often. We had been in counseling due to what he refers to as "communication" issues. They turned out to be his lack of empathy.
Anyway, if I had known then the door would have hit his ass so fast he wouldn't have known what hit him.
He said he knew if he went back to OW/XW that he more than likely would have been knocking on my door within a few months. I wouldn't have answered.
But, I wonder if some higher power was preparing us for today. Maybe we had to get here so that my WH would actually look within himself and that he would have a reason to do so, for us/our marriage.
Negative was that he took my choice away. Positive is that I can make my own choice at anytime.
I discovered that not only is my H a good liar, he is also one of the most careless and stupidest of cheaters. I have a lot of time on ym hamd when he is at work, sand against mt better judgement, started snooping through his floppy discs again.
What I found out was the first??A that he said was not a PA actually was. There was the draft of the letter he wrote"..recall when we first made love..."
Needless to say, I went through the anguish as if it had just happened last week instead of 13 years ago.
He couldn't do anything but tell the truth when I confronted him, and now I just keep asking myself why am I still putting up with a sorry excuse of a man who cheated on me during our 28th year of marriage, and sevenyears later during our 35th year. Am I crazy or what
I'm so sorry you are reeling from this pain. Although it was 9 years ago for your WH, it was just a few days ago for you.
The part that stinks about not knowing is because it's been so long for them, they either truly don't remember incidences relating to the A or they choose not to and many times you can't go back and research because the cell phone has changed or the computer is outdated, etc.
I hope your WH has been remorseful and that he is helping you heal from the pain he has brought you.
I just can't get past the feeling that I don't have the whole truth yet.
Dallas, I struggle with this alot...even to the point of having WH take a polygraph. It helped to a point, but it's so overwhelming realizing your spouse could lie to you for so long and so well!
Has anyone figured out a way to get some peace with this?
Where there is no remorse, no empathy, no penitence, no acknowledgement, false rebuilding, no consience, lies and deceit that include a continuous trail of betrayals, there is no hope, IMHO.
My situation falls into the latter category. I married a serial cheater nearly 30 years ago. Sly fox that he is, he convinced me he'd left the old GFs behind to be with me - and only me. I was young and naive then.
There were a steady stream of D-Days, but now that we're on the road to divorce, the true extent of his past betrayals are coming to light, and they ain't pretty.
Fortunately, with the help of many years of IC, I have managed to detach to the point where it doesn't hurt like it did before. Unfortunately, he can still push my "anger button".
When we got married, both of us had a number of opposite sex friends and mutually agreed that as long as these friends were also friends of our marriage, that maintaining them fell within the appropriate boundaries. I abided by that pact, but he never did and still does not. It didn't take me 30 years to discover this, it took me that amount of time to prepare an exit strategy.
Every time I believed we were making progress towards a more honest and open relationship, I would notice changes in his behavior that sent red flags everywhere.
Shortly after we were married, he invoked the edict: "Don't keep tabs on me". Well, that was a sure sign he had something to hide. Turns out, he was married when he was in "family mode" and single when he was living that "other life.
When he came home smelling of cheap perfume and some other woman's muff, he denied it and told me I was nuts.
When I found stray condoms in his travel cases, he accused me of planting them.
When he went behind my back to get Cialis and Levitra a few years ago, he said it was "for us".
It wasn't that I was unaware of his betrayals, it was that I needed time to prepare for my departure from this miserable situation.
The newest revelations came when I began to trace back his time away from the family when he was "suddenly single", to put the chronology of his deceitful behavior. That was when I saw that my marriage has been based on lie after lie and there is no hope of reconciliation, even though he pretended to.
Our whole life is a sham based on a series of lies. He's older now and slowing down a bit and only wants to talk about how he wants to spend our "golden years" together.
It may be unnecessarily cruel, but I simply told him that if he couldn't give me the best of himelf when it mattered, that I wasn't going to give him the best of mine for the rest of his, and that I would not be his nurse in his old age. I believe the best is yet to come, and he perpetually wallows in his "glory days", and satisfies himself with fantasies about wooing young girls and frequenting strip clubs. The man is hopeless and will lie 'til he dies.
My major regret is setting a bad example for our children (who are now adults) when it mattered, because I don't want any of them to find themselves in this position -ever! And if they do, to get out sooner rather than later. They agree with me that it is never too late. That's the reason I stayed in the marriage. They are not following in his amoral footsteps, they are assessing their own circumstances based on the values I instilled in them. They are good, honest, wise people who respect and admire me and forgive me. We agree that it is never too late to change for the better. I am proud of them and have no regrets about staying in the marriage during those difficult years.
Finding out many years after the deed(s) have been done, is its own dilemma. I started putting two and to together, and just added those betrayals to the list of things I already knew, because I had made a decision to act (finally) to preserve whatever time I had left to live a life of happiness rather than stay in a miserable, unsatisfactory marriage. I suspect I still have some surprises ahead of me, but the forewarning I had helped me become forearmed.
Every situation is as unique as is the course of action each BS decides to make.
My heart goes out to all who experience the pain of discovering the person we devoted our lives to isn't the person we thought he/she was. Love hurts, sometimes. Rebuilding works, sometimes, but it all boils down do the simply fact that you can't fix somebody else, you can only fix yourself.
And if I do, how do you break this news to someone?
"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"