SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
For Those Who Found Out Years Later
Do it. Do it. Do it! I found out six years after the fact. The other person deserves to know what went down. I wished to god I was told. This eats at me every day.
It also stops any other secrets.
If the OW has a partner, I'd definitely tell them. I know what it feels like to be kept in the dark and wouldn't wish that on anyone. Everyone deserves the truth so they can make informed decisions for their life.
I was denied of this. Maybe I wouldn't have married my WH. But then I wouldn't have my beautiful kids....but maybe I'd still have beautiful kids who didn't have a mother going through this pain. You can't change the past and you can't predict the future...but everyone deserves the truth so that they can be in control of their own lives.
I'm struggling with (as has been mentioned before) feeling our whole M has been a lie. What was true and what was not? Is anything real any more? Fortunately my WH APs have not been in relationships.
I'm torn in two. Do I throw away 19 yrs, break my family up, toss who I thought was my BFF, soul mate to the trash and start afresh? Or do I stick with WH, try to make a go of our family, try to gain back trust? I'm afraid of both scenarios. I love my kids. At one stage I loved my WH... but am I know inlove with who I 'thought' he was..or if that person there, somewhere, inside his lying cheating shell?
How do I know? But definitely tell any other person involved who may be being betrayed.
[This message edited by angryBS at 11:34 PM, June 6th (Monday)]
Please.. your thoughts re: contacting OWH ... the EA/PA supposedly ended 10 yrs ago?
And if I do, how do you break this news to someone?
I am struggling with this exact question. I found out this past April that my husband had a several month affair that ended a year ago. Even though it's 'over' the emotional fallout has been devastating . It was with someone I NEVER EVER would have suspected! I feel like such a FOOL! We knew her mother and when she graduated from college 7 years ago we gave her a job, we knew her fiance, now husband, she babysat for us, I gave her all my baby gear when she had her own children. Now, looking back, so much makes sense now.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. I want to tell her mother what she (along with WH) has done to my life. I wonder whether I should tell her husband, after all, the affair is over, it's no longer 'an issue' right? or wrong? Why destroy another life? My initial instinct was not to tell him as I knew it would break his heart, but the other side of me says maybe it's not right to keep this information from him, maybe he deserves to make his own choice?
[This message edited by sadinlex at 2:47 PM, June 20th (Monday)]
sadinlex: I would tell her BH, he has the right to know now. My FWH kept his A a secret for 7 years. I wish somebody had told me. I'm sure we would be in different circumstances now. For me the OW wasn't in a relationship and she wanted my H, I wish I knew who she was. I'd tell her can have him. Since I know she likes liars and cheaters.
vaginal infections that I needed to be treated for (had never had them before and we were married 10 years prior to his affair) that were several months apart. Actually, if it wouldn't have been for the trich and yeast infections that I got twice
This just makes me sick. I went and got tested for STDs after I found out STBX was doing street whores. Positive for something that was treatable but I get to go back for more testing in a few months and then again 6 months after that.
I also got vaginal infections over the years, it just makes me want to vomit to know that I was giving myself completely to him and he was emotionally nowhere to be seen. It was just sex between us, obviously, not what I thought it was for all those years.
I found out in Nov 2010 that he had a profile on AFF that he made in April 2006. Looking back at the whole picture I realize that he definitely had an EA in 1993-1994 and I suspect a PA as well with the same person.
He'll never admit it. He'll never admit any of it. He'll look me right in the eye and lie through his freaking teeth.
I'm glad I've filed for divorce.
Honey, i'm home!
I found out roughly a year and a half afterwards. I was snooping and found messages in an old phone.
What I struggle with is, we had broken up but reconciled and I was still left in the dark about the A. I feel like our relationship was built on a lie. I feel like I made choices of great impact based on misinformation.
I also feel like I should have known. And that life was handing me a clue when we broke up.
The time gone by has made it difficult to validate my feelings towards it. Which is why I am here now instead of a year ago when I found out.
nocturneinblue - I know exactly how you feel. I was left in the dark with my WW for six years. Our relationship steadily went down hill over that time period. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with us.
I am constantly reminded of the "lie" of the six years every time I look at pictures, videos, stuff we may have purchased, etc. It's very hard.
What makes it even more difficult is the fact that when my WW's A was discovered, the AP's wife decided not to tell me. She essentially tried to blackmail my W from staying away from her H...big mistake. Horrible lies were kept from her so she never really new what happened in the original A. They remained "friends" for six years although my WW claims nothing physical ever happened. I mostly believe her.
Anyway, I struggle with the A and the six years of lies so I can relate with you and your feelings.
I don't know how long it's been for you since DD but after seven months it's still difficult. It slowly gets better but only if you have a wayward spouse that is truly remorseful and all in for R.
This thread doesn't get enough attention that's for sure so thanks for posting!
Finding out sooo long after the fact is what hurts the most in all of this.
My STBXW confessed an affair to me almost 5 years ago. It was a "fling" with a contractor at her office and it was already over. It had just ended. She went NC, we worked through a long (2 Yr) reconciliation, and our relationship was solid.
5 months ago, she shattered REALITY by confessing about a dozen affairs over the course of our entire relationship. Affairs while we dated, before the wedding, after the wedding... Men, women, you name it. Her friends, my friends.. all fair game.
Oh - and the guy at the office from 5 years ago? She still saw him every day - NC was all BS.
There's no remorse, so there's no reconciliation.
Divorce should be final in a week or two.
Makes you feel like you wasted all those years, ya know?
[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 3:19 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]
Everyone who experiences an affair has to deal with such intense, awful pain, but finding out years later does bring a special brand of pain, doesn't it?
Nocturneinblue - sorry you are here, but know that there are many of us who understand.
Suddenlyisee, I am so sorry for what you have experienced. You must have worked hard during those two years, so your pain upon learning the truth must have been devastating.
I agree this thread does not get enough attention!
Thank you for this - I have felt so alone in this. I will post more when I can but thank you all.
You are welcome. I found out six years after the fact. Post often as you will receive honest, intelligent, thought provoking advice.
My H waited to confess all his transgressions until our kids were grown.
Awife - that's awful and I send hugs your way. What is the status of your relationship? What were his reasons for finally telling you?
Thanks for asking!
My story is in the " Just found out" forum, a thread titled "The same story, but different" started by the blind idiot on 7/26/2011.
(Look on page 2 near the end)
It is really hard to find out years later. I found out 23 years later. Sometimes that really makes me feel stupid, but really it was very well hinden. I also completely trusted him. I never accused, never denied him from going anyplace. His A took place during the day during working hours.
When Maria Shirver went thru with just what she found out, lots of people were sort of blameing her, how could she not know. That made me really sad because yes it is possible.
My H's 3 brief flings all happened during regular business hours. They hooked up on their lunch hours and directly before and after work.
There was never any missing money, time, etc. That is why it took me so long to catch him, even though I knew, by his wierd behavior, that something was really wrong.
I was lied to repeatedly, and gaslighted till I thought I was really crazy.
If I hadn't been tied down and busy with 2 small children, I could have followed him. I finally found out when a co-workers wife called to expose him.
I posted on another forum and someone suggested I come here.
I have been married to what I thought was the most amazing man in the world. He is a great husband, wonderful father, a hard worker and my best friend. We are supposed to be celebrating our 25th anniversary in 2 weeks.
We were kids when we got married - 18 and had lots of kids young - we struggled like most young married couples do but we've managed and are happy - Most people look up to us and think we have the perfect marriage - although I know nothing is perfect - I also thought we were pretty close.
Fast forward to this Sunday - having a quiet weekend at home watching tv with the family and I open my email - there is one from an old friend (well I thought she was a friend) in the email (which was sent on my b-day!) she informs me that she has "found God" and needs my forgiveness because her and my husband "hooked Up" (as she put it) many times.
This was over 20 years ago. It's been an excruciatingly difficult week and I've cried so much. While I know that he has been a wonderful husband and I'm pretty sure faithful since then - it hurts. the pain is immense..... He pretty much says he was being a selfish 20 year old boy who was thinking of himself and she was nothing but a "friend with benefits". He said he felt terrible and didn't want to hurt me so that's why he didn't tell me. Said he decided to grow up, be a man, and the best Dad and husband he could - and part of that meant keep the secret.....
He has been incredible the last couple of days - telling me he will do whatever I want. If he wants me here - he will be here - If I need space - he'll leave. He's told me to cry, yell, hit whatever I need to do to feel better. He has cried with me and I know how sorry he is. He tells me all he wants to do is stay married that I am his "life" and he wishes he had never made such a hurtful mistake.
And while I know it was a long time ago. It makes me wonder about all the things we've done, the life we've build, everything ..... I know that I want to stay in our marriage, I love and respect him but I'm so afraid I'll never be able to let it go.....I know I won't forget, that's impossible but I DO want to forgive him - I'm just so afraid I won't be able to.....
If nothing else - I thank this board for giving me a place to get it off my chest - there is no one I can talk to who will "understand" without judging and while I can handle my decisions and could care less about what people think of it - I just can't handle the added aggravation.
We also have 5 adult children - who live at home and trying to talk, and get through this without letting them know has been very very hard.
..i too, feel the pain and shock of finally learning the truth..
..40 years later..
..sorry, but i must ask how positive you are that your H has been faithful since his 'hook-up' so long ago??
..so many cases of TT exist here and minimizing..
..i pray for you that H is being transparent about his past..
..it would be well worth reading all the posts in this topic and also the Healing Library..
..so sad to live a life founded on lies, deceit and betrayal..
..it has ruined my life in so many ways and made a sham of my last 40 years..
..i hope your H will do everything in his power to make ammends and love you the way you deserve.
..peace and prayers sent.
(surviving11) I am sorry for your pain. It doesn't matter if it was yesterday or 20 years ago the pain is the same. The problem with finding out so long after is that Yes, you question everything in those last 20 years. It some how makes you feel that what did I not know about for 20 years. And was 20 years a lie?
You are going to run thru all the emotions. Time will help you sort it out and hopefully a remorseful WS.
I found out after 23 yrs and had been married 34 yrs.
I know how you feel.
I just wanted to tell you that it will take a while for you to wrap your head around all of this...This is all still so new to you.
When I finally found out 2 years ago what my husband had done 34 years ago..it nearly devastated me to the point that I wasn't sure I could ever forgive him or even stay with him...
But then, as the truth started to emerge and I began to scan thru the past years in my mind, I eventually realized that the main reason he didn't tell me the truth back in 77 was because he did love me and did not want our marriage to end. And..just as your husband has done...mine became a much better husband and father with every passing year. I soon came full circle and knew that I could and would forgive him (it took a while..so give yourself time) and that indeed he did love me as much as I loved him.
For those who would wonder if a man like mine would have cheated other times and I would not have known...all I can tell you is that as our years together progressed our marriage has continued to be a very good one . He has always been there for me regardless of what was transpiring and has always gone out of his way to show love, kindess, and respect and that is what enabled me to forgive him and stay with him. Just scan your prior years and you will find your answers there...
I hope this helps...I will be praying for you...I know what you are going thru...It will be ok....I know, because I have lived it...
My heart breaks for you...I too, found out 20 years later. And the pain was nearly as bad as though it had happened yesterday. Take extra-special care of yourself during this time. I reacted the same way as anybody else - lost weight, etc. Plus I had 20 years of memories to stew about. I'm so glad I had SI, because lots of people in the "real world" won't understand this.