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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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shiloe posted 1/4/2012 09:07 AM

I just started a thread in the General forum: Need advice . .struggling with decision. I would like to hear from the men on here who found out years later. Do you wish you had never found out? Are you glad you did, even though the hell it has created?

Dallas2 posted 1/4/2012 20:32 PM

Why Men? I am a woman but I can tell you I am glad I found out because there was soemthing not quite right, just didn't know what it was.
I hate the hell that was created by the secrets and lies for years. I also hate the hell of trying to deal with the fact that my spouse betrayed me. I really don't think these feelings matter weather you're a man or a woman. I do feel that women are more apt to stay in the M than a BH. JMO.

Dallas2 posted 1/4/2012 20:33 PM

Why Men? I am a woman but I can tell you I am glad I found out because there was soemthing not quite right, just didn't know what it was.
I hate the hell that was created by the secrets and lies for years. I also hate the hell of trying to deal with the fact that my spouse betrayed me. I really don't think these feelings matter weather you're a man or a woman. I do feel that women are more apt to stay in the M than a BH. JMO.

foundoutlater posted 1/4/2012 21:13 PM

IMHO not knowing does not work well. My FWW had issues that I did not know about. Our M should have been much better and we were not that happy. Our M will be better and I have hope I will be happier once she has her issues worked out. I have been accused as being a bit different (odd to some) and a little girlish in the feelings department though.

somanyyears posted 1/4/2012 21:15 PM

..the truth needed telling, even if it was 40 years too late..

..it has changed my entire outlook on my life and hers for that matter..

..this betrayal has truly created a 'HELL on EARTH' for us..

..still hoping for a positive solution to R..

..but we know we are not there yet

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:16 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

itsjustnotfiar posted 1/5/2012 21:35 PM

I'm a guy who found out six years after the fact. I only wish I found out sooner. "I wanted to protect my family." Bs.

A healthy marriage cannot endure an affair IMO.

GoodFaith posted 1/6/2012 14:35 PM

I found out 20 years too late.

I found out 15 years too late.

I found out 10 years too late.

I found out.... you know.

In another forum someone recently posted the question:

"Would you take the red pill or the blue pill?"

If you remember The Matrix: the red pill wakes you up to reality and the blue pill puts you back in the Matrix /dream.

I'd choose the red pill again!

ItsJustNotFair - I got that BS from my BS too - "I was protecting my family"

2oldforthis posted 1/6/2012 15:24 PM

I found out 23 years later. Really hard to deal with all those feelings of my marriage being a sham.

WS was with OW at about 10 yrs. of our marriage our son was only 2. Then again with her 1 1/2 yrs. later. That is when she claims she is having his C.

I still did not know.

She moved away and came back 12 yrs. later He was with her again.

I still did not know.

The 3rd time was a sexual relationship for a short period of time with an addition of 10 years that she blackmailed him.

Finally I find out.

Sometimes I feel like a fool.

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 3:31 PM, January 6th (Friday)]

somanyyears posted 1/7/2012 08:33 AM


..@2oldforthis..

"Sometimes I feel like a fool."....

..in my case: "ALL the time..i feel like a fool!"

..duped by WW and bf for 20 years does that to a person..

smy

Dallas2 posted 1/8/2012 18:23 PM

I found out seven years after he had his A and then it took him almost a year to answer even the basic questions.

Now he is frustrated and feels I should be all better now.

Does anybody know how we're supposed to be better when you've been lied to, cheated on and devaulued by a WS?

I think at the very least I should be given the same number of years to deal with his betrayal without any questions or resentment from him.

The fact the he had an A is huge but the lying and crap is still something I find it very hard to get my head around.

Dallas2 posted 1/8/2012 18:23 PM

I found out seven years after he had his A and then it took him almost a year to answer even the basic questions.

Now he is frustrated and feels I should be all better now.

Does anybody know how we're supposed to be better when you've been lied to, cheated on and devaulued by a WS?

I think at the very least I should be given the same number of years to deal with his betrayal without any questions or resentment from him.

The fact the he had an A is huge but the lying and crap is still something I find it very hard to get my head around.

hitbyatruck posted 1/8/2012 19:17 PM

Dallas,

How did you find out?

I just learned about an additional affait of H's because the OW has an online diary that goes 10 yrs back.

The affair was about 7 yrs ago. For me it makes me sick that this info has been on the internet ALL THIS TIME and still is.

My H doesn't really understand why I am that upset over an affair that has been done and over with for so long.

I can't really wonder what I would have done if I would have caught it 7 yrs ago vs now.

It is an odd feeling trying to remember what was going on during that time period.

somanyyears posted 1/8/2012 19:59 PM


..if a member of your family was beaten or raped or murdered and you found out 10 years later, would you say, "Well, it happened a long time ago, so don't worry about it, water under the bridge!

..the longer it takes to find out the truth, the more lies and deceit have been used against you, and the longer they have decided to keep you in the dark.

..it makes matters even worse..i know, because i waited 23 years to find out.

..and getting all the facts is immensely more difficult with all the time that passed.

..it made for an even larger mess to deal with!

..trickle truth doesn't come close to describing the shock of finding out 'so many years' later.

smy

so-crushed posted 1/8/2012 20:01 PM

I found out when cleaning out the garage. I'm one that never snoops and assumes people are honest. (Well, I used to think that way.)

Long holiday weekend and I was going to tackle cleaning out the garage. When moving a cardboard box (covered in mouse poo), the box fell apart. I was just going to pick everything up and dump in the trash, but a few paystubs were in the mix and I'm one that shreds all info like that.

Looking at the papers now on the ground, saw "love" cards..turns out they were cards he hadn't sent his "soul mate" years ago as well as receipts for flowers he sent her. (with special instructions to put a red rose in the middle of the bouquet... something he's always done for me).

As of today ... nothing's off limits. There is nothing that I will not feel comfortable going though.

WH claims he had 2 A's. First started in '98... who knows for sure when it ended. (I know he had been in contact with OW#1 as late as 2003).

2nd A started sometime in 2003 and ended sometime in 2004. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the POS was driving by our house and was seen by my H (who had our DD with him at the time).

What I've been able to piece together years later... he started on Viagra during the first A. I remember a conversation we had in which he broke down emotionally telling me about his diagnosis of ED. Go figure... At the same time, he had grown a mustace/gotee.

Now that I've found a picture online of OW#1's H, (who has a mustache/gotee), no wonder WH had grown facial hair. He claimed at the time, he was going to explore facial hair, as he wasn't able to when he was in the military.

OW#2... he had a vasectomy during the timeframe of the A with OW#2. A very rough procedure that didn't go as well as anticipated. I took care of him ... ticks me off to realize I was just something he took for granted.. and the reason I see it that he had the vasectomy was so that he could screw the OW without risking pregnancy.

Didn't matter that he was exposing me to the shit the OW #1/#2 could be carrying.

2oldforthis posted 1/10/2012 08:21 AM

..and getting all the facts is immensely more difficult with all the time that passed.

Yes, Yes, Yes can I relate to this statement.

My questions were intense, Why! because it just about involved my whole freakin marriage. It was like I had to reconstruct my whole marriage. I will say that there were somethings that now made more sense. I remember at one point in our marriage my WS was drinking during the day at work. He owned his own business and I would go down there and help out every once in awhile. Another period of time he would always stay late at work. Always had to much work to do. In the simplest of things now I know that it meant something else, not work. He was hiding out. We had a young C at the time. It pisses me off that he ignored him because of his self-centered sinful ways.

Very difficult! to sort thru.

Dallas2 posted 1/11/2012 09:33 AM

hitbyatruck:

I found in MC. I had moved out because he went into a blind rage in front of our Grandson and I refused to no nothing.

He confessed in our second session. I think he did it for revenge. The MC has no idea why he told after all this time.

I agree it is hard to think that far back. I was going through some medical so I had started keeping a journal. I have looked at it has helped because I know we were going through some awful stuff. I tried to do whatever I could. MC- he didn't have a problem so MC said he wouldn't see us again. Romantic getaways, etc. He chose to cheat and I didn't.

We were moving out east and I had moved back about one month early. Sometime when I was gone it happened. I figure it happened before I left- at least the flirting stage. I can tell you to the date when he first physically betrayed me. i just sensed it in his voice.

The hardest thing I feel is dealing with his lying for so long. He said he wasn't happy . When I look at pictures it was after his A that he was truly unhappy.

My H sounds like yours. It's over lets just forget it and move on. I am trying to get him to figure out what in him let him do something so terrible and how not to again. I am afraid if he doesn't deal with his demon, it will come out again.

Paperclip posted 1/12/2012 12:34 PM

All these years I had literal nightmares about him cheating on me before I finally pulled the truth out of him. It was years before SI and I let him gaslight me badly. What kind of monster would let their supposed loved one suffer like this?

It took me three solid years to finally get the truth out of him. I swear I have just as many scars from those years as I do from the infidelity.


Dallas2 posted 1/12/2012 13:34 PM

I had a very bad case of hives from a nightmare of him cheating very early in our M. When He actually did Cheat. I knew it and when he confessed I was a mess.

Paperclip: I also wonder how they can tell us they loved us through the years of lying.

I also think the way he handled questions and the trickle truth has caused more damage than the actual A and those are the things I'm not sure I'll ever get over.

2oldforthis posted 1/12/2012 17:57 PM

It's over lets just forget it and move on. I am trying to get him to figure out what in him let him do something so terrible and how not to again. I am afraid if he doesn't deal with his demon, it will come out again.

I can so relate to this statement. This is what he wants to do also. What he did is way wrong in many many ways, years of lies, also additonal deciet with finances. So many extremes. But the work he wants to do is way nothing to the amount of destruction he has done.

He just can get it that is why we are not healing.

always-hope posted 1/13/2012 12:42 PM

My WH had a LTEA/PA. I also had an STD (chlamydia) 5 yrs into our M. I found out after our first DS was born.

I was so naive at the time that I thought it was just like a yeast infection & none of the Dr.'s or the Pharmacist told me it was an STD.

After DDay for the PA, I found out that WH has been lying about other women(flirting, inappropriate talk, seeing old gf's) since we met, he cannot understand why I am hurt/angry about that NOW that I know the truth (and I do not think I know it all).

To me our relationship/marriage was started in dishonesty on WH's part. WH says that does not matter now--that he is being honest now, and thinks dredging up the past is me choosing to stay hurt/angry and not forgive him.

WH also got scabies from the PA with OW & gave it to me. WH's Dr. suggested that I got it from the dog sleeping in my bed, and gave it to
WH.

I called the CDC & spoke with them about the scabies & chlamydia. They said scabies in dogs is mange & is not transmittable to humans. Also there is an extremely remote chance that chlamydia could have been present & bouncing back & forth for 8 yrs, but highly unlikely.

WH had gone to Vegas(the year before chlamydia) with a male friend & was hit on by a hooker. He did not tell me, I overheard him joking about it with some guys 6 months after his trip. When I asked him about it back then he just glossed it over (can you say gaslight?) & I believed him completely.

I now feel that WH dodged a bullet back then, because I did not even think to ask questions & research. Now that I know WH can lie to me & cheat I connect the Vegas trip, hooker & the std. WH still denies any wrongdoing & I have no concrete proof this far out. (21 yrs)

I just feel like our whole M has been a lie...

[This message edited by always-hope at 12:50 PM, January 13th (Friday)]

Paperclip posted 1/18/2012 13:28 PM

WH says that does not matter now--that he is being honest now, and thinks dredging up the past is me choosing to stay hurt/angry and not forgive him.

Always hope, I get so tired of hearing that from my WH. That everything should just be forgiven because it was years ago and he's a "better person" now.

Does everyone else struggle with believing them now? I really have a hard time believing that someone could cheat on me with at least 5 OW over the course of two years and just stop all of a sudden.

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