SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
For Those Who Found Out Years Later
WH says that does not matter now--that he is being honest now, and thinks dredging up the past is me choosing to stay hurt/angry and not forgive him.
Always hope, I get so tired of hearing that from my WH. That everything should just be forgiven because it was years ago and he's a "better person" now.
Does everyone else struggle with believing them now? I really have a hard time believing that someone could cheat on me with at least 5 OW over the course of two years and just stop all of a sudden.
Does everyone else struggle with believing them now?
Absolutely, and this
I really have a hard time believing that someone could cheat on me with at least 5 OW over the course of two years and just stop all of a sudden.
This is the problem I have also. I found out 6 months ago about affairs my WH has been having through most of our 25 year marriage. One with someone I considered a close friend was over 10 years ago. It is so hard to deal with. I feel like my whole marriage has been a sham. All the lies he told me while I thought we were happily married.
Does everyone else struggle with believing them now?
WH gets angry that I won't believe him now. That makes me think that the whole truth is not on the table. I also think that the way he acts with me is not how he acts when I am not there. That he is still flirting when I am not there to see it.
I have access to everything & know he is not in contact with the PA OW....but if WH does not get IC to dig deeper & find out why it was OK to lie to me for years, what will stop him from finding another OW?
All the lies he told me while I thought we were happily married.
Well, our marriage sucked on & off while he was in the EA's/PA but I thought we were committed at least, I took the vows seriously & trusted that WH did also...
So glad to have found this topic. I was beginning to think I was alone! I found out in Nov. '10 that my H of 29 years had what he calls "just sex" with someone who was suppose to be a close friend of our family. She attended our church, kept my youngest daughter for us to go out because she had a little girl just 2 years older. She even went to the beach with me and our kids, my H did not go on this trip (thank God). According to H this began maybe in '95 and ended in 2001. He says he really can't remember the date of the beginning. He recalls what happened just not the date. I have had so many questions and most of his answers are "I don't remember because I've tried to forget about for the last 10 years!" The only reason I found out was because she had told another "friend" of ours and this woman and her son were blackmailing my H. He had given her money 2 years ago to not tell me and then again in 2009, this past Nov. her son contacted my H and wanted more money, well things have been tight here and he just couldn't come up with extra cash. The son began threatening to come to our church on that Sunday and tell everyone, so that Sunday morning about 6am my H woke me up and said, "--------- I've got to talk to you, I messed up." I'll never forget those words!
We have 3 grown children, 1 grandson and 1 grandson on the way. We are working on our M. I don't want to leave and I don't want him to leave. He has been an amazing H and Dad. Some days I do fine and others I just lose it! I still have so many questions and just wondering if it is normal to want to know so many details of what happened and where it happened. He says it was not an everyday or even every week thing. He never took OW anywhere, never bought her anything, it was just sex. Usually in his truck. Twice at her apt. and yes, once in our home, not in our bed, in the floor of our den.
Somebody, please help me! I don't want to talk to anyone who knows my H, because he is sooooooooo respected by everyone! I really don't want to ruin his reputation because i do love him.
Sorry this was so long, but it's the first time I've shared this with anyone!!
Sorry you have to be here but glad you have found this site to give you the support you need.
I think it is perfectly normal that you have all kinds of questions that you need answers too. While it may be true that your WH doesn't remember all the details, he should be totally forthcoming and open in giving you the details he can remember ( and that you want to know).
You are also dealing with a double betrayal where the OW was a person you considered a friend. Was this woman still in your life up until you found out? This other woman who was blackmailing your H, did you still think of her as a friend until D Day? It is amazing how low people will sink. Any real friend would have told you about the A as soon as they found out, not blackmailed your H.
My fWH had multiple As. Two were with so called " friends" of ours so I can relate to how you are feeling. I found out 8 years after the A with the first friend ended and a year after the A with the second friend ended. (There were others before and after too).
Do you think there may have been any other As during your marriage or was this the only one? I was totally blindsided on D Day. I thought we were happily married and never dreamt my H would cheat on me, then I found out it had been going on throughout most of our 25 year marriage.
It sounds like your H is remorseful and you are both committed to your marriage. Taliking to a counsellor may help you sort out your feelings and help you process the information you now have. The emotional rollercoaster sucks. Everyone on these forums seems to agree that it's normal to have good days and bad days, and this can go on for a long time. There's lots of good information in " the Healing Library". Keep posting. There are lots of wise people here who will reach out to you.
Thank you for your response, it really helped just to be able to get a little bit of it out!
The OW had already distanced herself from us about 8 yrs ago. She remarried and moved away for awhile, divorced, moved back and has now remarried again.
The other "friend" had also kinda of dropped out of our circle of friends for the last 3 years which is about the time she first asked my H for money. She still lives in our small town, but we don't have contact with her anymore.
I truly believe this was the only OW he has been unfaithful with, but am I just being stupid again? H says he has tried to think of the times they were together (in order to answer my questions) and there were only 11 or 12 times during those 6 years. Of course during that time she was married twice and divorced. He says it was absolutely nothing but sex. He didn't take her anywhere, buy her anything or do anything for her. He said she did ask him would he leave me for her once the kids were grown and he says he made it clear to her that he would never leave me that was not what he wanted.
I did have a promotion at work during this time and was out of town quite a bit, so i guess I made it easier for H to stray. My two sister were also going thru Chemo at the same time and I spent a lot of time with them also.
You know I spend a lot of time blaming myself. My little girl often slept in our bed, so maybe he wasn't getting enough sex from me, I don't know.
I am just babbling on now so I'll quit, but again thank you for responding. I really can use some support!
I've been reading thru this thread and noticed that several of you are wondering what to say to the OW (who doesn't know that you know about the A) the next time you run into her.
The OW in my situation still thinks we are friends, she sent me a friend request on FB. She had moved away for awhile, but is now back in our small town. Her daughter works at a local restaurant that our family frequently chooses when we go out together.
I guess a should say also that we have not shared any of this with our grown children or anyone else for that matter.
I actually got her phone # from her daughter the other night at the restaurant and have thought of calling and inviting her to lunch and then blasting her with what I know.
Please help me!! I feel like I'm losing it too often!
I don't have any first hand advice regarding telling the OW that you know about the A. I haven't confronted either of my so called " friends" about the As. One of them knows I know because my WH told her he'd told me about them when his hand was forced on D Day. The earlier one doesn't know. There have been various suggestions here such as writing a letter to the OW, getting all your feelings out, even if you don't actually send it. I think I would find a face to face confrontation hard. I am considering the letter option but think I actually need to send it. Part of the reason I've done nothing is because only one couple know about my WH's As. I don't want it to be common knowledge and I definitely don't want our kids to find out. I worry that if I confront, the OW may decide to spread it around.
It makes me so mad that these women thought nothing of sleeping with my H behind my back while pretending to be my friends to my face. I welcomed them into my home, I trusted them. I don't know how they could look me in the eye all these years.
One thing I can tell you for sure is stop blaming yourself for your husband's actions. Nothing justifies what he did. Everyone who has kids has gone through that period when they are very young and they seem to take over life as we know it. Maybe it's not ideal if sex has to take a back burner for a while but I think it's quite common. Not all husbands in that situation choose to cheat. It's a selfish choice they make all by themselves. In no way was it your fault.
Hang in there.
Sorry you have to be here, but I'm so glad you found us!
Yes, it's completely normal to have tons of questions for your WH. I made lists in a notebook to help get them out of my head.
"I don't remember because I've tried to forget about for the last 10 years!"I heard this a lot at first too. Turns out he could actually remember quite a bit, even after 20 years. It's very important that your WH listen to you and not shut you down when you need to talk about the affair.
IC can help, but be careful. The first one I had kind of rolled her eyes when I told her how long ago the affairs were. Finally I found a good one that explained to me that I was grieving the loss of the man I thought I'd married, and that finally made some sense to me.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have the OW in the same town! I know I'd try to avoid her as much as possible, but I doubt that's the healthy answer.
women thought nothing of sleeping with my H behind my back while pretending to be my friends to my face
It's amazing, isn't it? I can't even wrap my head around how they must justify it in their heads.
(whytellmenow) I can totally understand the statement that I can't remember because it's been x number of years that I have been trying to forget about it. I got that line. I didn't really care. I had so many questions. After all it was just about our whole marriage that he had hidden this lie. The answering of questions did not go well with us. To many I don't remember's, or he would get angry to stop me from asking any more questions, he tried to bully me, he also would be wishy washy with his answers, boy was that hard. He would say one thing one time and than later say something totally different. That just really made me frustrated. He did not want to talk about it. He would answer but would almost just say anything. That has totally put a hault to our relationship now.
He also had the blackmail thing. The OW was blackmailing my WS for years. She claim to have had his C. The whole thing was sick. She left town and then came back and when she did she blackmailed him. So I can totally relate to that.
I don't believe that he is cheating now but I totally believe that it could happen again.
He also says it was just sex. He did not take her any place or buy her anything. He had sex with her at his business and at her house. I do believe him when he says that because I have asked detailed question about that and what he has said it is believeable that they were just having sex. That does not make it harder or easier. My feelings about that are just as bad and disgusted.
[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 9:33 AM, February 4th (Saturday)]
.. ..kind of makes you think that you shouldn't have or want 'friends' in your life because you can't even trust them to not fuck around with your spouse!!!
..conversely, my wife chose to fuck around with my 'friend'..
..getting screwed over by a stranger is one thing.. ....but the 'friend' ???? the blaytant, in your face smile of deception..
..years of it ..?????
Hi everybody, I am so glad I read this forum, my WH has been having oral sex over a 5 year or so period, the last time over a year ago, he says. With a man... That we worked with... We own a small business.
I found out the week before Christmas, needless to say the holidays were completely ruined for me. I suspected something for years, but another man just blows my mind. No pun intended.
He swears he is not gay or bi, has some childhood SA issues, trying to get into counseling. We do love each other and are committed to working through this, but I am really getting pissed off at times when it crosses my mind .
Anyway, just wanted to say hi and reading this stuff is helping not feel so alone.
[This message edited by Hannelore at 12:09 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)]
Sending ((((((hugs)))))) to you all.
It's difficult to know what we will find out in our futures.
I wish you all peace.
I want to pose a question to the members of this particular forum.
Here is the background, about 1980 my W started an affair with her boss. He was married as well. The affair continued for about 5 or 6 years (that could be the subject of another post). My W says she had to stop because she was feeling so guilty. So she says they did but they remained "friends" for many years. They then moved out of the area shortly before our joint DDays. This affair was kept from both his W and myself for almost 30 years.
So my question, the OM and his BW are both in their mid to late seventys. This happened so long ago. Should I contact the BW and tell her? What good would it do? To know that by telling her now may ruin the life she has left. This plagues me so. If I do tell, at this point it would be for revenge, make him miserable for the rest of his life. That does not seem reason enough to do this to her.
Thanks for reading this, I know the conventional wisdom here is to tell. Maybe I just need to get this put here....
You are in a tough situation. Why would you want to tell the BW now? Do you realyy think she didn't have some sort of idea? Remember we all have instincts about this. If the OP has any type of morals he is already miserable in some form. My WS has become an alcholic to cope with his guilt. Revenge will end up making you feel guilty especially if something terrible happens. Write a letter to her and put all your thoughts, feelings and bitterness in it. Set it aside a couple of days and reread it and then shred it. This will you give some satisfaction with out damage to you or them. How are you doing with this knowlegde?
..late 70's in age?? that does temper the situation some!..
..news like this could trigger a heart attack.. who knows?
..it comes down to your own conscience as to your true motivations for outing the A, even after 30 years.
..in my case, i got the truth after 40 yrs!?
..what is it exactly you hope to gain from informing the BW?
..there is nothing wrong with getting some payback if some revenge is on the menu.
..there is no statute of limitations on betrayal.. in fact, the longer the lies, the longer we are kept living an imaginary life, the worse the impact of the damage.. it's like 'woodrot'..
..the longer it is left, the more it creeps in and expands throughout the structure.. and the harder it is to fix..
..in the end, it is a very personal call for you to make. ..hope you can come to a peaceful place
I don't get on very often but Does anyone have trouble believing them now?is just what I have been feeling lately. He had an A lied for years, still has not told the whole truth(probably never will), blames me for it, claims he stayed be of me. I have decided I don't believe anything he says to me. He lied all those years without any tells, almost convinced me I was crazy. What has he done to tell me the truth or convince me of the truth? Zilch. To avoid being lied to I just don't talk about anything he can lie about.!
ie hOW'S THE WEATHER?
Thank you Dallas and SMY for your thoughts.
I think to disclose now would do more harm to innocent people than any revenge is worth. I have been stewing about this for a while and just needed to let it out.
I wish you all peace as well.
I can't remember because it's been x number of years that I have been trying to forget about it.
EXACTLY that line through months upon months of TT. And this coming from a woman who remembers the tiniest of details from more than a decade ago.
Does anyone have trouble believing them now?is just what I have been feeling lately. He had an A lied for years, still has not told the whole truth(probably never will), blames me for it, claims he stayed be of me. I have decided I don't believe anything he says to me. He lied all those years without any tells, almost convinced me I was crazy. What has he done to tell me the truth or convince me of the truth? Zilch. To avoid being lied to I just don't talk about anything he can lie about.!
Wow, I could've written that about my WW. I can surely say she drove me crazy through the year or so of TT till I just didn't want to hear the same shit over and over again. I am so disgusted at the treatment meted out to me after our mutual DDays, while I was being honest and open and worked HARD to start the R process, she kept waffling around in her TT and gas lighting. On another forum, I did ask whether so many years of her fogginess (started by the 2nd year into our M), and her state of having so many constant As over 6 years might have put her in a reality that the M was the aberration and the As were normal... She's almost stated that once or twice even during MC.
It's a mind bender of epic proportions. My entire M was based on lies and dishonesty and here I was thinking and often working at trying to fix our problems through all these years blaming myself and our day to day problems. I had no clue that I was warring with multiple APs and a multitude of As ranging in intensity and purpose (and won't ever know the details of). Loved a quote on this site, "you can know where the light is from the shadows", and all I am surrounded by when I look back to those years and her treatment over 2 years of not wanting to deal with the As (on both sides), are the shadows.
I remember distinctly feeling a lack of intimacy and I ended up blaming that on the death of her mother. I took a lot of blame and put up with a lot of gas lighting post DDay not realising the extent of her brokenness and her As. I took a lot of blame even during her A years through her gaslighting, frequently acknowledging my behavioural problems, our fights and M issues as the core problem (which would be in the absence of infidelity), not realising that I was dealing with someone who had already poisoned the well years ago and consistently kept doing it.
I am still reeling from not KNOWING about my LIFE, through 3 kids, 8 years of M, constant struggles with family and finances. How could I be such a fool? I readily bought into her revisionist history initially, how else could I explain such a blatant and continual betrayal? I had a hard time reconciling that with the feedback I used to get, not only from her but from those around us about how ideal our M looked from the outside.
I've since realised that her revisionist history is critical for her to maintain her justification, nay, sanity, to explain her As. I can't remember so many little things that seemed so wrong back then, but I do know I was (we were?) trying to make it a good M.
The worst feeling is one of disgust at being treated (and still so) for all those years with so much disregard and utter contempt by someone who I felt so safe with and claimed throughout to love and cherish me... Ugh.
I also know that she attempted to minimise the fallout of my A recently because she just wanted to minimise her own infidelities. I was like OMG, that was so horrible and disgusting, and yet she always gave the impression of "it's over now, let fix the M". Now I know why. She's scared to look into herself. She is, even in these 22 months of heightened awareness and attempted Rs, a dry adulterer.
I am in a similar quandary, except the affairs were 20 years ago and the people are now in their forties.
I go back and forth between deciding to tell or not. I do know I hate that I'm in the position of keeping secrets from someone.
It's difficult either way. Hugs.