WH says that does not matter now--that he is being honest now, and thinks dredging up the past is me choosing to stay hurt/angry and not forgive him.
Always hope, I get so tired of hearing that from my WH. That everything should just be forgiven because it was years ago and he's a "better person" now.
Does everyone else struggle with believing them now? I really have a hard time believing that someone could cheat on me with at least 5 OW over the course of two years and just stop all of a sudden.
Absolutely, and this
I really have a hard time believing that someone could cheat on me with at least 5 OW over the course of two years and just stop all of a sudden.
This is the problem I have also. I found out 6 months ago about affairs my WH has been having through most of our 25 year marriage. One with someone I considered a close friend was over 10 years ago. It is so hard to deal with. I feel like my whole marriage has been a sham. All the lies he told me while I thought we were happily married.
Does everyone else struggle with believing them now?
WH gets angry that I won't believe him now. That makes me think that the whole truth is not on the table. I also think that the way he acts with me is not how he acts when I am not there. That he is still flirting when I am not there to see it.
I have access to everything & know he is not in contact with the PA OW....but if WH does not get IC to dig deeper & find out why it was OK to lie to me for years, what will stop him from finding another OW?
All the lies he told me while I thought we were happily married.
Well, our marriage sucked on & off while he was in the EA's/PA but I thought we were committed at least, I took the vows seriously & trusted that WH did also...
Sorry you have to be here but glad you have found this site to give you the support you need.
I think it is perfectly normal that you have all kinds of questions that you need answers too. While it may be true that your WH doesn't remember all the details, he should be totally forthcoming and open in giving you the details he can remember ( and that you want to know).
You are also dealing with a double betrayal where the OW was a person you considered a friend. Was this woman still in your life up until you found out? This other woman who was blackmailing your H, did you still think of her as a friend until D Day? It is amazing how low people will sink. Any real friend would have told you about the A as soon as they found out, not blackmailed your H.
My fWH had multiple As. Two were with so called " friends" of ours so I can relate to how you are feeling. I found out 8 years after the A with the first friend ended and a year after the A with the second friend ended. (There were others before and after too).
Do you think there may have been any other As during your marriage or was this the only one? I was totally blindsided on D Day. I thought we were happily married and never dreamt my H would cheat on me, then I found out it had been going on throughout most of our 25 year marriage.
It sounds like your H is remorseful and you are both committed to your marriage. Taliking to a counsellor may help you sort out your feelings and help you process the information you now have. The emotional rollercoaster sucks. Everyone on these forums seems to agree that it's normal to have good days and bad days, and this can go on for a long time. There's lots of good information in " the Healing Library". Keep posting. There are lots of wise people here who will reach out to you.
Thank you for your response, it really helped just to be able to get a little bit of it out!
The OW had already distanced herself from us about 8 yrs ago. She remarried and moved away for awhile, divorced, moved back and has now remarried again.
The other "friend" had also kinda of dropped out of our circle of friends for the last 3 years which is about the time she first asked my H for money. She still lives in our small town, but we don't have contact with her anymore.
I truly believe this was the only OW he has been unfaithful with, but am I just being stupid again? H says he has tried to think of the times they were together (in order to answer my questions) and there were only 11 or 12 times during those 6 years. Of course during that time she was married twice and divorced. He says it was absolutely nothing but sex. He didn't take her anywhere, buy her anything or do anything for her. He said she did ask him would he leave me for her once the kids were grown and he says he made it clear to her that he would never leave me that was not what he wanted.
I did have a promotion at work during this time and was out of town quite a bit, so i guess I made it easier for H to stray. My two sister were also going thru Chemo at the same time and I spent a lot of time with them also.
You know I spend a lot of time blaming myself. My little girl often slept in our bed, so maybe he wasn't getting enough sex from me, I don't know.
I am just babbling on now so I'll quit, but again thank you for responding. I really can use some support!
It makes me so mad that these women thought nothing of sleeping with my H behind my back while pretending to be my friends to my face. I welcomed them into my home, I trusted them. I don't know how they could look me in the eye all these years.
One thing I can tell you for sure is stop blaming yourself for your husband's actions. Nothing justifies what he did. Everyone who has kids has gone through that period when they are very young and they seem to take over life as we know it. Maybe it's not ideal if sex has to take a back burner for a while but I think it's quite common. Not all husbands in that situation choose to cheat. It's a selfish choice they make all by themselves. In no way was it your fault.
Hang in there.
Sorry you have to be here, but I'm so glad you found us!
Yes, it's completely normal to have tons of questions for your WH. I made lists in a notebook to help get them out of my head.
"I don't remember because I've tried to forget about for the last 10 years!"
IC can help, but be careful. The first one I had kind of rolled her eyes when I told her how long ago the affairs were. Finally I found a good one that explained to me that I was grieving the loss of the man I thought I'd married, and that finally made some sense to me.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have the OW in the same town! I know I'd try to avoid her as much as possible, but I doubt that's the healthy answer.
women thought nothing of sleeping with my H behind my back while pretending to be my friends to my face
It's amazing, isn't it? I can't even wrap my head around how they must justify it in their heads.
He also had the blackmail thing. The OW was blackmailing my WS for years. She claim to have had his C. The whole thing was sick. She left town and then came back and when she did she blackmailed him. So I can totally relate to that.
I don't believe that he is cheating now but I totally believe that it could happen again.
He also says it was just sex. He did not take her any place or buy her anything. He had sex with her at his business and at her house. I do believe him when he says that because I have asked detailed question about that and what he has said it is believeable that they were just having sex. That does not make it harder or easier. My feelings about that are just as bad and disgusted.
[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 9:33 AM, February 4th (Saturday)]
Love kills slowly.
.. ..kind of makes you think that you shouldn't have or want 'friends' in your life because you can't even trust them to not fuck around with your spouse!!!
..conversely, my wife chose to fuck around with my 'friend'..
..getting screwed over by a stranger is one thing.. ....but the 'friend' ???? the blaytant, in your face smile of deception..
..years of it ..?????
I found out the week before Christmas, needless to say the holidays were completely ruined for me. I suspected something for years, but another man just blows my mind. No pun intended.
He swears he is not gay or bi, has some childhood SA issues, trying to get into counseling. We do love each other and are committed to working through this, but I am really getting pissed off at times when it crosses my mind .
Anyway, just wanted to say hi and reading this stuff is helping not feel so alone.
[This message edited by Hannelore at 12:09 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)]
It's difficult to know what we will find out in our futures.
I wish you all peace.
DD 1: 27/12/11
DD 2: 16/04/12
Me: 49 (now 50)
WS: 44 (now 45)
OW: 33 (now 34)
Status: Divorcing / Selling our House
Here is the background, about 1980 my W started an affair with her boss. He was married as well. The affair continued for about 5 or 6 years (that could be the subject of another post). My W says she had to stop because she was feeling so guilty. So she says they did but they remained "friends" for many years. They then moved out of the area shortly before our joint DDays. This affair was kept from both his W and myself for almost 30 years.
So my question, the OM and his BW are both in their mid to late seventys. This happened so long ago. Should I contact the BW and tell her? What good would it do? To know that by telling her now may ruin the life she has left. This plagues me so. If I do tell, at this point it would be for revenge, make him miserable for the rest of his life. That does not seem reason enough to do this to her.
Thanks for reading this, I know the conventional wisdom here is to tell. Maybe I just need to get this put here....
You are in a tough situation. Why would you want to tell the BW now? Do you realyy think she didn't have some sort of idea? Remember we all have instincts about this. If the OP has any type of morals he is already miserable in some form. My WS has become an alcholic to cope with his guilt. Revenge will end up making you feel guilty especially if something terrible happens. Write a letter to her and put all your thoughts, feelings and bitterness in it. Set it aside a couple of days and reread it and then shred it. This will you give some satisfaction with out damage to you or them. How are you doing with this knowlegde?
..news like this could trigger a heart attack.. who knows?
..it comes down to your own conscience as to your true motivations for outing the A, even after 30 years.
..in my case, i got the truth after 40 yrs!?
..what is it exactly you hope to gain from informing the BW?
..there is nothing wrong with getting some payback if some revenge is on the menu.
..there is no statute of limitations on betrayal.. in fact, the longer the lies, the longer we are kept living an imaginary life, the worse the impact of the damage.. it's like 'woodrot'..
..the longer it is left, the more it creeps in and expands throughout the structure.. and the harder it is to fix..
..in the end, it is a very personal call for you to make. ..hope you can come to a peaceful place
I think to disclose now would do more harm to innocent people than any revenge is worth. I have been stewing about this for a while and just needed to let it out.
I wish you all peace as well.
I can't remember because it's been x number of years that I have been trying to forget about it.
EXACTLY that line through months upon months of TT. And this coming from a woman who remembers the tiniest of details from more than a decade ago.
Does anyone have trouble believing them now?is just what I have been feeling lately. He had an A lied for years, still has not told the whole truth(probably never will), blames me for it, claims he stayed be of me. I have decided I don't believe anything he says to me. He lied all those years without any tells, almost convinced me I was crazy. What has he done to tell me the truth or convince me of the truth? Zilch. To avoid being lied to I just don't talk about anything he can lie about.!
Wow, I could've written that about my WW. I can surely say she drove me crazy through the year or so of TT till I just didn't want to hear the same shit over and over again. I am so disgusted at the treatment meted out to me after our mutual DDays, while I was being honest and open and worked HARD to start the R process, she kept waffling around in her TT and gas lighting. On another forum, I did ask whether so many years of her fogginess (started by the 2nd year into our M), and her state of having so many constant As over 6 years might have put her in a reality that the M was the aberration and the As were normal... She's almost stated that once or twice even during MC.
It's a mind bender of epic proportions. My entire M was based on lies and dishonesty and here I was thinking and often working at trying to fix our problems through all these years blaming myself and our day to day problems. I had no clue that I was warring with multiple APs and a multitude of As ranging in intensity and purpose (and won't ever know the details of). Loved a quote on this site, "you can know where the light is from the shadows", and all I am surrounded by when I look back to those years and her treatment over 2 years of not wanting to deal with the As (on both sides), are the shadows.
I remember distinctly feeling a lack of intimacy and I ended up blaming that on the death of her mother. I took a lot of blame and put up with a lot of gas lighting post DDay not realising the extent of her brokenness and her As. I took a lot of blame even during her A years through her gaslighting, frequently acknowledging my behavioural problems, our fights and M issues as the core problem (which would be in the absence of infidelity), not realising that I was dealing with someone who had already poisoned the well years ago and consistently kept doing it.
I am still reeling from not KNOWING about my LIFE, through 3 kids, 8 years of M, constant struggles with family and finances. How could I be such a fool? I readily bought into her revisionist history initially, how else could I explain such a blatant and continual betrayal? I had a hard time reconciling that with the feedback I used to get, not only from her but from those around us about how ideal our M looked from the outside.
I've since realised that her revisionist history is critical for her to maintain her justification, nay, sanity, to explain her As. I can't remember so many little things that seemed so wrong back then, but I do know I was (we were?) trying to make it a good M.
The worst feeling is one of disgust at being treated (and still so) for all those years with so much disregard and utter contempt by someone who I felt so safe with and claimed throughout to love and cherish me... Ugh.
I also know that she attempted to minimise the fallout of my A recently because she just wanted to minimise her own infidelities. I was like OMG, that was so horrible and disgusting, and yet she always gave the impression of "it's over now, let fix the M". Now I know why. She's scared to look into herself. She is, even in these 22 months of heightened awareness and attempted Rs, a dry adulterer.