There were so many huge red flags flying...I found letters from other women, I saw him with other women...he always had an excuse. I beat myself up all the time for not figuring it out back then. IC & SI is really helping me forgive myself for this.
HowcanIgoon- How awful for you! You're living one of my big fears - I'm terrified of discovering an OC, especially now that we're coming up on 21+ years out of the last A. (and others in WH's family have had a surprise OC pop up years later)
Like Bobbie said, this has changed me profoundly also, in ways I'm just starting to find out about. Years of trickle truth can really do a number on a person - I wonder how much my anxiety & depression issues have been caused by it.
Rollercoaster, I wonder the same thing myself. I doubt I'd have finished college if I'd have found out back then. The only thing I know for sure is that knowing the truth has been a huge relief for me. I can't describe it - all those things I saw suddenly make sense.
[This message edited by Paperclip at 1:46 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]
1975 WH had part time job after school, got off at 11pm. Occasionally got home at 3 am 5 am 8am. Said his car broke down, or he helped a friend and time got away from him. WOuld end up yelling me down and said he was telling me the truth and that was all he was going to talk about it, then the silent treatment, til I dropped the subject.
1979 new SIL accused him of asking her out. He said she was a lying slut and we 'had to stay away from her from now on'. So we isolated ourselves from his family. Or at least he isolated me from them. From then on they all hated ME.
Over the next 20 years, there were a few red flags, female coworkers calling him at home, I never knew why. Seeing him scanning other women, finding a few odd phone numbers written down. He always said I waS paranoid, jealous. His favorite line was "If you're going to accuse me of these things, I may as well do them, because you will accuse me regardless'. It was like a threat to me and I must say it kept me in line and not accusing him of my suspicions.
So in 2007, I finally caught him on the phone with another woman. After an hour of yelling, and me calling him a liar over and over and not backing down, he started admitting he had cheated on me thru out our marriage with numerous other women. Then he would clam up for weeks or months, and then more TT would come out.
This whole ordeal has just about cost me my sanity and sometimes my life (suicidal). I literally HATE my H. THere will NEVER be feelings of love again. NEVER. I am living with him now due to finances, that's the ONLY reason. I'm almost 60 and don't have a job or extended family. I am basically all alone except for him.
SOmedays it gets me down, but I just pray my way through it. I have to believe my life won't be this lonely and depressed for the remainder of it. I'm trying to do things to make me happy. As long as WH is not around, I'm pretty content, but it is very hard when he is around and all I can think about is 40 years of lies. I want to just claw his eyes out sometimes. Counseling told me has sociopath traits and won't change.
I wish I had listened to my gut all those years ago. In hindsight, it was right all along.
I, also, beat myself up all the time for not figuring it out back then... for not standing up for myself.... for letting myself be a doormat... for just being stupid ME. For me, that has been the hardest part of all... forgiving myself.
Watchingu.... My H used the very same words on me... it must be an unspoken 'cheater's code'... saying whatever it takes to make your wife think she's crazy. My H always yelled at me every time I would dare to question him. He always made ME feel the guilty one. He used all the words... told me I was jealous, paranoid, told me all kinds of stories why he was out till 3 in the morning. When this woman finally told me about OW, he told me that she was lying because she was going thru a divorce herself and unhappy and wanted everybody to be unhappy too... He even told me "If you're going to accuse me of being with another woman, I may as well do it'. It worked every time because I would feel so guilty for accusing him that I would think OMG, he really will cheat on me if I keep accusing him. Oh, the stories, the lies he told me and I (the stupid one) bought them all. I would always back down and shut up, and then he would storm out the door and I would get the silent treatments, sometimes for weeks at a time and I would always be the first to break the ice. I see it now for what it was... his way of controlling me... whatever it took... and it worked for years.
I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time I wished I had listened to my gut all those years ago... I don't look at him in the same way I did thru the years. I see him for 'real' today.... I do love him, but I think it's mostly because of so many years together... And, I could see a change in him thru the years... it will never be as it was in the beginning... just too many years of 'bad' history.
[This message edited by Bobbie at 3:52 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]
It just makes me wonder though- if I could go all this time without knowing- what else could be going on? :(
I save my calendars. I write things about the kids and our lives, so they are kind of a keepsake. After I found out about the OW, I went back and looked over the calendar for that year. What was going on in our lives while he was seeing her? Were there any clues that I missed?
One thing that really bugged me was that we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in Las Vegas during the time he was seeing her. Was he thinking about her while we were celebrating 10 years together? Did he see her right before or after? It made me crazy.
I feel like he lied to me every day...from the first time he was with her, until the day I found out. Lies of omission. Every day was a lie. Plus, like Broken3ed said, what else has he lied about??
I guess the only hint of a silver lining that I can find is that he ended it a long time ago. I can't imagine what other SI'ers are going through whose spouses are still actively seeing the other person. Heartbreaking.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
[This message edited by brokenheart59 at 9:16 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by midori-alice at 1:28 PM, April 30th (Friday)]
Now we have everything I am supposed to not ask anymore about the other life my husband had because we are old and donít have a lot of time left so we should enjoy ourselves now.
On D Day I could not digest or process all the information. My husband could not have done this to me and our children not him, we had been through so much together how could I not have known? The man I married was a good man, honest and trustworthy, or so I thought.
Married 35 years
Me BS 59
2 children boy 30 girl 33
D Day 28 July 2008
I found out almost a decade later. During that time his guilt turned him into a different man...not a very nice one.
I may have my old husband back, but I will never have my old marriage back.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
After the discovery - she basically ran away from it all and said not a single word to any of the family. She did however go on to become another OW who caused them to divorce.
Me - I'm undecided. I need to work thru this at my own pace. I've decided to focus on me, take care of me first. I can't make him talk about it if he doesn't want to... but I also don't need to worry about what he will and wont do. I figure either way he shows his true colors - and THAT's what I need to see.
Even when we find out years later its not an easy process - for us the injury is fresh, raw and wide open.
Work on healing yourself first. No matter how to try to make sense of it... somethings just won't ever make sense.
One Day At A Time....
I was contacted by her H through a FB inbox message. I was shocked because I thought he couldn't be talking about my H. But he was. I asked him point blank if he slept with her because if he did, I swore I'd...I didn't finish that statement so he got scared and told me no...they were only kisses.
I kept in contact with her H to see if I could get him to admit anything to me...more info that he sounded like he knew about. In Dec'09, 3 wks later, I sent him an email telling him that I thought we should sever all ties because otherwise, she would still contact him (she had contacted him twice by phone and sent him an anonymous birthday card)The next day, I received an email telling me that they HAD slept together! Twice according to him (it was actually 3 times).
I was in utter shock. I was numb...I asked and received all the details that my H could remember. He tried to forget as much as he could over time..but through my asking questions...I got the gist of the affair. We figured out more later when I found and looked at cell phone bills from back then. We were able to piece together the approx. timeline for the second and third meeting. Also, the fact that he did call her when we went on a mini-honeymoon...that devastated both of us.
I went through anxiety, panic attacks and a lot of triggering and obsessing too but we are now in individual counseling and things seem to be improving. I still have a little ways to go before I can close this chapter but I did get the H I always wanted in all of this. I finally realized that I DO love my husband and he now cherishes me and makes me feel loved. Things are new again for us.
We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in Nov this year. Priorities and things have changed dramatically for us now...the pain still comes and goes but mostly if I open the box and look inside. If I look directly at it...it's excruciating but if I keep the box closed, I can function quite well. He knows and feels my pain and completely regrets ever doing this. I'm relieved that he's in counseling to figure out why he would even cross that line...he's discovered a lot of things, to my relief!
I always felt badly when I heard about affairs before...and I was naive enough to think that I was safe because I had God in my life...I was dead wrong. No one is safe! And I also found out that both my H and I were praying for things to change between us...little did I know that you have to be very specific when praying. Things did need to change between us...we were basically two strangers sharing a house...we lived separate lives...I kept very busy to avoid him. I see all that now. I see a lot of things now. We are also learning a lot from one another through this...the lines of communication have been opened for us!
I apologize if this is lengthy...I've just been trying to figure out where I fit in on here. I knew I belonged but because it had been a while since I found out...I wasn't sure where to post. Thanks for listening!
D-Day #1 - Nov 28/09
D-Day #2 - Dec 19/09
Didn't see this one coming...should have ducked when the brick hit me in the head!
At the time we had been married 32 yrs.
When I found out I also was told he had a DD with her. She was blackmailing him for money.
I demanded DNA, found out the DD was not his.
Talk about shock!
I think the length of the marriage and the length of when you found out makes it really hard. How could someone keep such secrets for so long and how could that someone lay next to you in bed every night and not feel some guilt.
I am still pretty devasted and this month it will be 3 yrs.
d-day at the end of May.
Love kills slowly.
It's very hard for me to think back to that time and face the realization of how naive I was--I never had a clue. I was pre-occupied with being very pregnant and happy....evidently I was very blind as well.
If I can be of any help to anyone here, pm me anytime.
Unsure yet what I am going to do. I know that I can live without her, but yet still do love her. Just cannot seem to get over the anger.
25 years of lies, deceit, etc. are extremely difficult to overcome.
I'm sorry for all of you who found out decades later. I really am. I get the part that it makes it seems like a sham - but like one of you said.... not knowing the truth did allow you "at the time" to enjoy parenthood and motherhood with the innocence of believing you were special and the "only one".
I only found out 6 months ago as my WH was in the thick of a new EA/PA (5 months together) and then found out that he had a PA before that from 2/07 until the new OW. The OW#1 had a baby in between and her second marriage. I started worrying about OC but he reminded me that he got fixed after our 4th child - so he was probably safe.
But I also found out that he had kissed a co-worker over 20 years ago.... he made sexually advances to two of our friends over the last 15 years - so it feels like he was always on the prowl.
And last year when we were celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary on our second honeymoon - the soon to be OW#2 was texting him (and she had kissed him right before our trip).
He then tells me that he probably would have strayed before - but he was afraid of my father. My father battled cancer for 6 years and died in 2008. So, he began (supposedly) his first A while my father was dying and then went all out in 2009 for OW#2 - and my father had been dead for over a year.
I'm so afraid that more will come out - but I think all of the biggies have come out.
Plus we're still raising two kids at home (13 and 14) and two are out of college.
I worry about what have we done to them? What kind of example has been set? What are they going to be thinking as they try to sort out "love" "committment" and "marriage".
My WH just tells me today that I'm not here with you because of that piece of paper and that piece of paper (Marriage) doesn't mean anything - and he says he doesn't think it ever did.
What??? After 25 years he's telling me this. I said where was this conversation 25 years ago??? Before we had our 4 children??? Doesn't a committment mean anything to you??? especially during a ceremony before friends, family, and God mean anything to you?
I looked at him and thought - boy this is NOT the man I thought he was???
My prayers are with all of you - and thanks for everyone giving so much of themselves to this site. It really helps.