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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Paperclip posted 3/23/2012 13:18 PM


I am in a similar quandary, except the affairs were 20 years ago and the people are now in their forties.

I go back and forth between deciding to tell or not. I do know I hate that I'm in the position of keeping secrets from someone.

It's difficult either way. Hugs.

both sides posted 3/23/2012 16:00 PM

Thank you to all that replied. Yes it is a hard spot. Knowing the devistation one can do..... I appreciate all of your thoughts, for now I will keep this to myself.

Thankfully I have a place to vent this stuff.

Have a good weekend all!

Both sides

Dallas2 posted 3/24/2012 19:47 PM

whytellmenow- MY WH also said it was just sex. Well if it was just sex why did he keep it a secret for so long. After years of lying and then the TTS.

I can tell you for him it wasn't just sex. He talked to her and shared his feelings with her. He told her all about our life.He shared more of himself in 2 months(so he claims) than 25 years with me. He even he admitted to me he told her he wasn't worried about me that I would survive and move on. Am I reading more into than there is?

The only thing I know for sure is he has shown his true self and I don't like him or trust him.

hurting7897 posted 4/1/2012 22:41 PM

Hello everyone, I just found this thread and like you all, I never asked for this, never wanted this to be my life. I found out my FWH had had a ONS with the OW 16 years ago and never told me. I found out (d-day 8 weeks ago) when he left his FB page open and there were messages back and forth from the two of them that resumed a year ago when she found him on FB. (he also brought her into our open marriage and bed. EA continued for 6 mos after until d-day)

As much as I'm plagued by the EA from the last year, the ONS between the two of them 16 years ago plagues me more. We were newlywed, had a new baby, and yes, he was drunk but also not drunk enough to wear a condom. He takes full responsibility for his actions and is very remorseful, in IC, and doing everything he can to try to make it up to me. BUT---it's my first thought every morning and I just am so f***ing angry. He broke our vows so new into our marriage and lied to me for 16 years!!!! He takes full responsibility and like I said, regrets it more than anything.
How do I get past this? How do I know this isn't a deal breaker for me?
Any advice is welcome.

Hugs to all.

pergatory posted 5/28/2012 20:59 PM

I'm glad I found this forum, because I have scoured the web for situations like mine, trying to find some sort of answers to the questions lingering in my head. I feel like my situation is a tame one in comparison to many, but my life has been very shaken by it.

About three weeks ago, I came home from work to find my wife crying uncontrollably. She asked me to sit down, and told me about an infidelity in our relationship that happened about a month before we got married. We have been married for almost four years, and she had kept this from me all this time. She entered into marriage with this betrayal hidden from me.

We had dated for a little over a year and had a long-distance relationship. I was her first, and I know this for sure. In fact, she was very inexperienced when we started dating. Although we lived in neighboring states, our ways of life were similar: fairly old-fashioned, traditional Christian upbringings. So the thought of infidelity had been completely out of the picture for me. Our marriage has always felt very solid to me, especially when I see the issues involved in other marriages.

The boy she cheated with had been someone she had feelings for intermittently through school, and I mean since 3rd grade. Nothing serious, never even kissed before. But during our relationship he had started texting her, often about his current relationship or other issues, but his texts had gotten more aggressive. She had told me about his texts several months back, and I had gotten mad, and she never mentioned it again. I assumed, and still feel, that through all his advances she had been true to me in every way.

But one night she contacted him though text. She claims it had started innocently. Since so much time has passed, she says she can't remember details anymore. She says she doesn't know why she texted him. She claims it had nothing to do with me. But apparently the text conversation progressed, and at one point she sent him a picture of her from the back, wearing nothing but panties, apparently to tease him, telling him he could never have her.

Again, the details have been scarce from this point. She doesn't know what led her to sneak out of bedroom window at her parent's house, but she did. She walked down the road and met him in his truck. They had sex, but she claims he didn't cum, which seems strange to me. She says she started realizing how much of a mistake this was during their encounter. She is of course incredibly apologetic and remorseful.

We still live together, though I have been sleeping in our spare bedroom. What is difficult is that, due to the traditional Christian circles we are a part of, I feel like I have to keep this to myself. I don't want others to know, and I know that if I leave others will find out. Our social/religious circle is very tight-knit, and my dad is a very important member of it. I don't want to bring shame to my family, and I know that if her family finds out they will react with great anger and judgment to say the least. Her parents are also visiting right now, so I feel like we need to pretend everything is just perfect for the next week while they are staying with us. I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

My main questions are:

-Can I trust her? What she did seems so out of character with who I thought she was. I want to believe that what she did was an isolated incident, but I've been having my doubts. I believe this is the only time she's cheated, but I'm afraid that if our marriage ever hits a rocky patch in the future, that she is capable of cheating again.

-When can I let myself and our life together return to normal, without feeling like I've let her off too easy?

sri624 posted 5/28/2012 22:55 PM

hi there...welcome to will be surrounded by friends here.

i want to recommend you posting your story on the "just found out forum." a lot of people will respond to your post and provide you with some wonderful insight and advice. i am sorry you are here. hang in will be okay.

hurting7897 posted 5/28/2012 23:03 PM

Hi ((pergartory))
I applaud her for sitting you down and telling you. If you read my story, you'll see the devasatation finding out the truth the way I did.

I would ask her "why now? what made you tell me now?" And I'd want to know why she took so long to tell you. Because I'm in this boat with you---again, my FWH had a ONS 16 years ago I just found out about and another 2 years ago and another EA/PA 8 months ago I just found out about. And the fact that I "found out" makes me suspicious how much more is out there waiting for me to find (he says nothing else is out there. He's told me everything) but understands how the fear is very real.

I can't say for your situation, but i am guessing that's her only transgression. That was brave of her to come forward the way she did. And yes, ti's very likely she could cheat again in the future if she doesn't address the issues that caused her to cheat in the first place.

I wish you both good luck and I'm so sorry you're here.


pergatory posted 5/29/2012 19:07 PM

Thank you sri and hurting for your support. I will try posting in "just found out".

To hurting, I hope that you're not right about her cheating again, but I guess the reason I joined this forum was to try and gain perspective. She says wholeheartedly that she never will, but when someone has already betrayed your trust for that long, believing that statement is hard to do. I tend to think that the reason for her cheating was not so much her personal issues, but more the situation. We had a long-distance relationship, this boy was available, and she was having cold feet about our upcoming marriage. I would visit her about every month, but most of our relationship was on the phone, and didn't like to talk on the phone as much as she did.

Are there any others out there who were cheated on because of cold feet? It seems like it would not be that uncommon.

Thanks again for the support

Itstoohard posted 12/31/2012 23:27 PM

I cannot believe there are others who have found out years later! 22years for me. FWH has said it was so bad he wiped it out. Doesnt even remember what she looked like. So difficult not having answers. Thought he was making things up but MC said he was making up memories rather than remembering memories. Made sense to both of us.He said he denied all these years be cuz he was afraid I would leave. Who knows . I do know he has done everything right since dd.its hard with no answers but I don't have to worry about running into her or getting answers to questions that I really don't need or want to know. A's are bad news whenever they happen.

[This message edited by Itstoohard at 4:44 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Itstoohard posted 1/1/2013 06:41 AM


[This message edited by Itstoohard at 7:00 AM, March 1st (Friday)]

TarnishedSilver posted 1/5/2013 01:44 AM


So sorry you are dealing with this now. I, like you, found out 18 years after the last A ended. My WH had infidelities for the first 10 years of our relationship.

Next month it will be 2 years since DDay #1. Things have gotten a lot better. With the help of us both going to IC and starting MC a few months ago. My WH has been improving with the details from the past. He said it was something he buried and never wanted to remember.

Come to SI for support. I will keep checking for your posts.

Itstoohard posted 1/6/2013 16:07 PM

Thanks for your input.
Yeah my H said same thing, he buried the whole thing. I glad for you that your h is able to remember.
When our MC said she felt he was making memories it made so much sense. I would ask"did you tell her you loved her?". Quickly he would say "NO.". But now he admits he doesn't think he could've but he doesn't really remember.
Sometimes I can't decide which is worse the A or the 22 years of lying. Do you ever think like that?
I too am sorry you have to deal with this. I so thank you ans SI for these posts. Just to know others have gone thru this.....

[This message edited by Itstoohard at 7:09 AM, January 12th (Saturday)]

Gr8Lady posted 1/10/2013 23:37 PM

I don't know why it is so reassuring to me that others have experienced knowledge after a significant time.
I can tell you it is. What is also healing is my WS coming clean....I did suspect and confronted him from time to time. His excuses were so ridiculous that they were believable. Who would make up such crazy stuff. Truth is stranger than fiction, and when you think you have heard it all...better buckle up.
What finally brought him to confessing is my finding pictures of his "friend" 1/2 his age. So after 35 years, of on and off infidelity I don't feel I am a crazy lady anymore. Unbelieveable that he could blameshift and allow me to think I was paranoid.
I cannot tell you how much better I feel. The healing has only just truly begun. We have been in reconcilliation for 8 months, but I feel at peace.
The only one I truly have control over is myself...and I am fully aware and making thoughtful choices without guilt.
Peace to each of you with a history of infidelity. May you each find a way to cope.

TarnishedSilver posted 1/12/2013 05:36 AM

The lying hands down is the hardest thing to accept. How he could keep this from me for so long and be able to live with himself.

I am thankful for his continued progress and feel that, with time, our marriage will be saved.

ItsaClimb posted 1/17/2013 08:10 AM

One of the things I have found very hard to accept since discovering the A is that quite a few people have implied that I was over-reacting as the A happened "long ago".

One of my closest friends said to fWH "If the affair had happened yesterday I would never speak to you again, but seeing as it was 9 years ago I can forgive you" I was so upset! To my mind she was actually rewarding him for keeping it from me for so long!

Even my daughters were quick to jump to their Dad's defence saying words to the effect of: "Come on mom, it happened so long ago and he's sorry!"

Why do people find it so hard to accept that whether the affair happened yesterday or 9 years ago that bottom line is it happened. fWH betrayed me, the fact that I never knew about it does NOT make it less of a betrayal!

In fact the way I see it, the fact that he kept it from me for so long and that the last 9 years have been based on a lie makes it much, much worse!

Anyone else have this kind of a reaction from friends or family?

dameia posted 1/17/2013 13:19 PM

I can't comment on my family's reaction because we haven't told anyone. However, I can guarantee that my family would never forgive him if I did say something.

The years of lying is the hardest thing to accept. I found out 5 years after the last A. Really, IMO, our whole marriage was a lie. The A's started within the first year of our M and carried on for 5 years and 10 months. I was gaslighted for that entire time, because I KNEW something had happened.

It's really difficult, because you just have no idea what to trust anymore. They were able to lie for so long, that it seems nothing they say or do can be trusted anymore.

YoungMommy86 posted 1/28/2013 09:38 AM

is anyone still here?

This is my story.

I was dating my husband on and off (I was 19 and he was 22 when we started dating) for about a year when I found out I was pregnant. DDay was literally the same day (only about 7 hours) that I found out I was pregnant. He was upset about something(probably feeling guilty about cheating) and broke up with me a few days before, then told me that he had cheated once. I had been thinking I could be pregnant and when he told me he cheated I prayed and hoped that my period was just late. During our conversation about him cheating at the beginning of our relationship, I told him I had missed my period and that night after work, he showed up at my apartment with a pregnancy test. It was positive.

Anyway, long story short, I ended up marrying him for the wrong reasons; because i was scared to be pregnant alone and I was also in and out of the hospital due to severe morning sickness, so I had to leave my job. I was not close to any family and barely had any friends, so he was the only person I had to help support me and my soon-to-be-son that I was pregnant with.

When my son was 2 months old, I brought up the subject of H cheating again and then found out that there were 2 one night stands during our courtship. He says he was drunk both times and uses that as an excuse.

I decided to try to forgive (really just put it in the back of my mind and try to forget about it) and move on. Then, 3 years into our marriage, I left because of a fight one night and stayed with a friend for a week. The night I left with my 1-year-old son, my H called his ex-girlfriend (high school sweet heart that broke his heart by cheating with his best friend/roommate in college) and begged her to come stay with him. He offered to pay for her plane ticket, etc. She said no and he stopped talking to her. The same night, he also got on a few "sex websites" (sites that you pay to find 'friends' to sleep with in your area) and also spent too much money on porn and begged a mutual friend to bring girls over. He ended up not physically cheating that night, but only because he didn't have anyone to cheat with.

I decided to stay. Mostly because I was scared of raising a baby on my own and losing my time spent with my son. I had been a stay-at-home-mom since he was born and the thought of losing that scared me.

Now, almost 7 years into our marriage, and another son (2-years old) I am realizing that I never truly moved on from his infidelity. I realize that I've lost myself during our marriage. I have tried to just put the infidelity out of my mind, but it always pops up when I least expect it.

I'm a roller-coaster of emotions 90% of the time. I'm unhappy, resentful, bitter, etc. I am uncomfortable with intimacy with my H because all I can think about is the infidelity.

I just feel so betrayed, even after all the years that have gone by. I am 26 years old and would rather be alone now than in 15 years when I'm older and he has had another affair.

Does anyone have a similar story? How did you get through it?

ME: 26
H: 29
2 children (5 and 2)
Married almost 7 years.
DDay- July 06 and May 07

both sides posted 1/28/2013 22:06 PM

Hi YM86,

It sounds like you rugswept at the time and its reared it head. These things have a way of doing that. If you can, you could get into IC to work through things. From reading your post it certainly sounds as though you never really processed this, so your mind is saying its time you did.

How does your H act? Have you told him? Is he supportive? He can certainly go a long way to help you work through this. But he needs to know.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about this IRL? If you are not comfortable telling someone close, an IC would help.

I wish you the best, this is not easy to work through.

Both Sides

[This message edited by both sides at 5:20 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

YoungMommy86 posted 1/30/2013 17:03 PM

Thanks for the reply.

We have talked about it. He has been remorseful since we got married, other than the times he's strayed emotionally (not I said, only because the girls wouldn't).

I am in the habit of saying I want to leave at least once every few months. This time, I actually left emotionally for longer than I ever have. We've been in separate bedrooms for a few weeks. I would leave if I had family or someone to stay with for a while until I got back on my feet.

I know H would do anything to make it up to me, but I'm just not sure I want to forgive him. I just can't handle the insecurity his infidelity brought up in me.

I'm sick of living in the body of this bitter, resentful woman the As have made me into. I'm 26 years old.. i shouldn't feel like a bitter old woman. I'm just not sure it will change if I stay with him.

both sides posted 1/31/2013 12:31 PM

Let me throw some things out there, take them or leave them, anyone else is welcome to shoot these full of holes.

It looks like you are really just starting to open this box and deal with it. So in a sense you are in a type of "just found out". You sound like a lot of people in that situation. At this time you are not sure how you want to proceed. The normal advice here is to not make any quick decisions regarding the future of your M. I would definitely look at IC for you. To talk it out may give you a chance to look at what is the best path for healing.

The fact that your H has had issues after your M says he should do work also. He needs to address what made him act out when you left.

I will finish with this, this can be a deal breaker, that is the way life works sometimes, but you've been together 7 years and 2 kids. Was there something there that carried you this far? Is that worth saving? Only you can answer that, but you need to address it. You are too young to be bitter.


hurting7897 posted 2/1/2013 09:34 AM

((Itssohard)) you asked, "is the A worse or the 22 years of lying?" I ask myself this question. I had 16 years of lying, on top of 2 years of new mulitiple A's and lying. But the first one seems to hurt the most. I have to say the lying. Because 16 years of pretending he was faithful kills me to my core. It has tarnished 16 years of memories. I look back at what I thought were very happy years with our babies and think of everything differently now.

If he'd had the courage to tell me the next day, or at least f**ing TELL me instead of letting fate decide it for me by his carelessness (he didn't delete everything; he left his FB page open and there was all the evidence) finding out 16 years later we'd have had such a better M. It makes R so much harder and trust so much harder to earn back, don't you agree?

First of all, I'd probably have stayed with him, but I would've made him get into IC and I'd have had the truth. He misled me into thinking he was someone he was not for 16 years, and, lo and behold, because he never dealt with what he did, he was destined to repeat it. (read my profile).

Hugs to you my friend.

[This message edited by hurting7897 at 9:37 AM, February 1st (Friday)]

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