SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
For Those Who Found Out Years Later
((Itssohard)) you asked, "is the A worse or the 22 years of lying?" I ask myself this question. I had 16 years of lying, on top of 2 years of new mulitiple A's and lying. But the first one seems to hurt the most. I have to say the lying. Because 16 years of pretending he was faithful kills me to my core. It has tarnished 16 years of memories. I look back at what I thought were very happy years with our babies and think of everything differently now.
If he'd had the courage to tell me the next day, or at least f**ing TELL me instead of letting fate decide it for me by his carelessness (he didn't delete everything; he left his FB page open and there was all the evidence) finding out 16 years later we'd have had such a better M. It makes R so much harder and trust so much harder to earn back, don't you agree?
First of all, I'd probably have stayed with him, but I would've made him get into IC and I'd have had the truth. He misled me into thinking he was someone he was not for 16 years, and, lo and behold, because he never dealt with what he did, he was destined to repeat it. (read my profile).
Hugs to you my friend.
[This message edited by hurting7897 at 9:37 AM, February 1st (Friday)]
I get so caught up in the feelings of worthlessness and anger and resentment. How could my wife and mother of our four children (I think), have an A for 14 years and I just found out December 28th, 2012? It was over for at least 5 years when I found out. She didn't tell me herself. I literally stumbled on the letters and then the years of phone contact. I really have no idea how far her lies went. If you do that with one guy, what do you do after the first A ends and there was no reconciliation or real closure? My guess would be multiple A's in the years following. I may never know and I'm not sure I want to know but they say when you choose R, you don't D because of the A. You D because of what caused the A and the feeling you are not getting enough truth from the WW. We had really great S
I get so caught up in the feelings of worthlessness and anger and resentment. How could my wife and mother of our four children (I think), have an A for 14 years and I just found out December 28th, 2012? It was over for at least 5 years when I found out. She didn't tell me herself. I literally stumbled on the letters and then the years of phone contact. I really have no idea how far her lies went. If you do that with one guy, what do you do after the first A ends and there was no reconciliation or real closure? My guess would be multiple A's in the years following. I may never know and I'm not sure I want to know but they say when you choose R, you don't D because of the A. You D because of what caused the A and the feeling you are not getting enough truth from the WW. We had really great sex the 1st month. Every single day! They say that's a form of both parties re-affirming their relationship. Now, I don't want to touch her because she TT's and blameshifts or simply will not talk or address the simplest question. Not nearly enough MC or IC. Seeing 3 different Therapists and it's not enough. My heart goes out to anyone who goes through this hell and is trying to reclaim their stolen lives.
And hugs to you hurting. I can't imagine how it must have felt to discover his betrayal like that. Even tho my FWH denied for years I always believed...when I wasn't in denial.
I have said the same thing ..if only he would have told me right after. We were even in MC...she should have told him he needed to tell me.
Thru the M (afterp A) I would feel we should/could be so much better.
My FWH said he never told me because he thought I would leave. I honestly don't know what I would have done. Maybe he wouldn't have become the great H that he is now. IDK. Of course,then I would have known a whole lot more and understood better just how he got to a place where he felt it was ok to cheat.
I do know that has great as he can be I still am on this roller coaster as I still get angry when I think if all the wasted years.
What I have learned on here is that time does work wonders. So I try to stay focused on that.
I'm here for you Hurting.
I will copy and paste my story here for those it may help but I was so rocked by thiscA, what, having been in a relationship since 1984, she started a PA in 1993 (she tells me over me not committing) , continued the A until it literally had no steam left in it and ened in 2007! All a big elaborate deception.
We had a child on March 15, 1996. We were married on July 7, 1997 while she was pregnant with our son who was born November 22, 1997. The A continued through this. She says it was a short PA and became an EA after she became pregnant with our daughter. I do not want to get paternity tests, I raised four great kids while in the dark about her A. We had twin boys October 4, 2001. Moved from LA to Las Vegas to raise the kids close to both our family members.
I left two successful restaurants and a very decent "working actor" career in LA. I was all about my marriage and kids and gave up ALL my dreams to do so.
I bought her a huge ring and asked her to marry me again on the beach in California about six months ago.
This was before I found out about the A on December 28, 2012.
Why did she do this? How could she do this? She had opportunities to end the A time and time again! Why 14 years of deception? How does she sleep at night?
Anyway, I told her the marriage vows she spoke were meaningless and the offer to remarry still stands but not until I feel she/we are 100% MC'd and IC'd to death!
I chose to forgive her rather than persecute her. What's done is done but I an entitled to know what I am forgiving. Thus us going to be a long road but I cannot betray my kids. I still love my wife but some days my emotions run all over the place. Knowing that others have and are suffering like me, are a huge help to me. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I accept the challenge because I know I was a better person than her or her (OM or AP?)
I hope we make it.
HERE IS THE ORIGINAL DDAY POST:
I had a great Xmas with my wife and kids. We've been married since July 15, 1997 but have been in a relationship since April, 1984. I had recently given her a huge ring and asked her to renew our vows and recommit to each other. It was an emotional and very tearful night.
On December 28, 2012, I found love letters and went on to find phone records which showed over 14 years of a very clandestine affair and my world came crashing down all around me. I have since been going through the most difficult range of emotions you can imagine.
She has admitted to having sex at least 6 times but I'm sure there was more but at some point that doesn't matter. IT JUST HURTS SO BAD! Tomorrow we are going to see a crisis counselor. I've already made the mistake of blaming me and forgiving her. She claims she hasn't spoken to him or had contact since early 2007. I can't prove otherwise. I love my wife very much. We have a long history. I want to survive this without separating or divorcing.
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)
In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997
4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.
I feel your pain...I really do! So glad you came to SI for support.
I usually hop on here in the morning. I will check in with you to see how you are doing.
Stay strong! I am going through exactly what you are now and I know how bad the pain feels!
Thanks TarnishedSilver. Today we had one MC session and we each had one IC. Not sure there was much progress so far because before we got home, I asked a simple question and as usual, she TT'd me to death and then made it about my anger after she blame shifted. THIS SHIT IS GOING TO BE A LONG HARD SLOG LIKE THE IRAQI WAR. She was on the phone paying a bill and when they asked if she was Mrs Smith, she made sure I heard her say "yeah, but not for long"........THAT REALLY HURT!! I called my lawyer and asked for a referral to a divorce lawyer. I grabbed the box of love letters and phone records and recordings and she actually became physically violent with me to keep me from putting them in the car and shit got wayyyy out of control.ni actually started laughing at her fighting me and beating on me to keep that box out of the car. I'm not sure where the laughing came from but I think it was from not having seen that kind of passion and emotion from her in almost 30 years. Anyway.....thought I'd share today's experience.
This is for me. FWH affair was in2003, I learned about it in MC in2010. I think I have done most of this wrong. I know where we were at this time. I was DX'd with MS the year before. No excuse, just a fact. We are doing better, at least most of the time. I just am having a hard time with who is or was this man? Does anyone else feel like screaming at the top of the world. My H is not the honorable, honest, caring, or trustworthy person you all think he is? How does anyone get past the lies for so many years? I read about M that have become better. I am afraid finding out years later is harder to rebuild. I never believe a word he says and not sure I ever will.
I found out 2000
...and the pretending began.
We've finally decided to divorce. Finding out about an affair is terrible at any time, but finding out when it is already over (and lasted a year!), does something very insidious. It takes away your ability to look back and try to figure things out, put the pieces together. It paints every memory between the affair and finding out. I lost all trust and respect for him. And that all came out last night when I told him that I believe the kids need to know about the affair. They are adults but we live in a small town and I know some of the connections that could find them learning about it from someone else (as I did!). You know what his response was? He said it's nobody's business, including our kids and that he'll take his chances on them finding out somewhere else. Well, this mild-mannered lady lost it! I told him that was bullshit and that it was the most selfish thing I'd ever heard in my life!
You see, I found out from a mentally ill relative. My h hadn't told me because he didn't think it was my "business." He thought it was between "him and God"! Well, what the hell does that mean? It means he's selfish.
So anyway, all I know is that the affair hurt. The years of living a lie hurt as much, and probably more than that. It robbed me of something I can't quite define. And that robbing continues.
Time to rebuild and reclaim! ~L
Have any of you discovered an affair 10 or more years in the past and not confronted your spouse with their indiscretions?
My WW had a three to four year long affair 14 years ago. I found out a few weeks ago and have not confronted her(YET).
Some friends are suggesting I calm down and let sleeping dogs lie. I don't know if I can do that.
Me–BS age 60
Her -- WS age 58
Married for 33 years
One child, 30yrs old
Status –sick at heart
I found out 18 years later that my prince charming what not real!
He had been living a lie for the past 30 years, when he started cheating.
I am glad I know and it has made me a stronger person!
IMO you shouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. Hiding her lie to yourself will crush you and the remainder of your marriage will be your dishonesty to her.
BTW, thanks to all of the previous posters. This is a great thread that is hard to find. I caught my wife in a lie that she'd kept from me for the last 15 years. It's only been three weeks so I haven't had much time to sort all of this out for myself. Our second MC is tonight.
Reflecting back over the past 15 years since her 1 year affair, I really think this kept her from being truly committed and hurt the marriage considerably.
It's been three years since I found about my H's A. I still don't know everything and I pushed most things into the back of my head. He said something that opened the door to my memories. Now as I think and remember stuff that was said i realize I didn't get the whole truth. I am putting pieces together and coming up with a very different version of events. He has contadicted his answers to various questions and now I feelo like I'm back to square one and am asking myself now what???
It's hard isn't it...and for me he doens't exactly remember the dates and things of the affairs...but maybe that is good because then they meant so little to him...for me still fresh (found out 10 mohts ago) and he is remorseful and trying hard...so am I....love is hard...but have 31 yrs of marriage....
Welcome. Sorry you are here.Not too many of us here in the found out later.
After more than 20 years my H finally told me what I had suspected.
How did you find out?
It is hard. I don't know but I think finding our years later is worse than finding out during or very shortly after. I feel I was robbed of choices I could've made. I also don't trust my instincts because of the years he lied to me about my questions and almost had me convinced I was completely crazy.
Those of us who found out years later go through the same things as those who found out sooner but we have many extra issues to work on.
Glad to hear you are working on things. It is so hard when you have been M for so many years.
I found out about the 1st ONS about 4 years after the fact; it happened during our engagement. I don't think I ever really dealt with it because my WH told me while he was away for military training and I was on my lunch break at work so I couldn't exactly have a meltdown. Not seeing him for a few weeks made it easier to stuff away the feelings, plus because it happened so many years prior it was easier to 'forgive and forget', or so I thought. However, had I known this when it happened I don't think I would have married him, and I'm pretty sure he knew this hence why he kept it from me. However, to this day I question the timing of his confession...part of me thinks something else may have happened that he was feeling guilty about.
I found out 2 months ago that my H had a 6 and 1/2 y affair with 1 woman. They both say it was over years ago, although they were emailing each other 2 months ago. They met in 2002 and fucked and corresponded until 8/13. I have pulled my hair out, drank everything in the house and slept about 7 hours in the last 2 months trying to piece together the timeline of my marriage as it related to their affair. It is difficult to get records further back than 2006ish, but that hasn't kept me from trying. This sucks.
I'm dealing with both an old and new affair with the same woman. The yr long affair that ended on dday is almost easier to deal with. He remembers more details. I can look at my history in relation to it. It is raw and painful but I am finding tools to process.
On the other hand the year long affair from 7 years ago cuts me to the core because I can't fit it into what I thought reality was. I can't place it, I can't see when and how it happened. It infuriates me that it happened and I did not know because it colored all the time after it. My reality is totally skewed. And if I had known my situation now would be different. I was younger then. I was only a SAHM for a few years so I could have easily jumped back into the workforce. I had more choices. Now my choices are fewer. It makes things so much more difficult to find out later.