If he'd had the courage to tell me the next day, or at least f**ing TELL me instead of letting fate decide it for me by his carelessness (he didn't delete everything; he left his FB page open and there was all the evidence) finding out 16 years later we'd have had such a better M. It makes R so much harder and trust so much harder to earn back, don't you agree?
First of all, I'd probably have stayed with him, but I would've made him get into IC and I'd have had the truth. He misled me into thinking he was someone he was not for 16 years, and, lo and behold, because he never dealt with what he did, he was destined to repeat it. (read my profile).
Hugs to you my friend.
[This message edited by hurting7897 at 9:37 AM, February 1st (Friday)]
In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997
4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.
[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]
We had a child on March 15, 1996. We were married on July 7, 1997 while she was pregnant with our son who was born November 22, 1997. The A continued through this. She says it was a short PA and became an EA after she became pregnant with our daughter. I do not want to get paternity tests, I raised four great kids while in the dark about her A. We had twin boys October 4, 2001. Moved from LA to Las Vegas to raise the kids close to both our family members.
I left two successful restaurants and a very decent "working actor" career in LA. I was all about my marriage and kids and gave up ALL my dreams to do so.
I bought her a huge ring and asked her to marry me again on the beach in California about six months ago.
This was before I found out about the A on December 28, 2012.
Why did she do this? How could she do this? She had opportunities to end the A time and time again! Why 14 years of deception? How does she sleep at night?
Anyway, I told her the marriage vows she spoke were meaningless and the offer to remarry still stands but not until I feel she/we are 100% MC'd and IC'd to death!
I chose to forgive her rather than persecute her. What's done is done but I an entitled to know what I am forgiving. Thus us going to be a long road but I cannot betray my kids. I still love my wife but some days my emotions run all over the place. Knowing that others have and are suffering like me, are a huge help to me. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I accept the challenge because I know I was a better person than her or her (OM or AP?)
I hope we make it.
I had a great Xmas with my wife and kids. We've been married since July 15, 1997 but have been in a relationship since April, 1984. I had recently given her a huge ring and asked her to renew our vows and recommit to each other. It was an emotional and very tearful night.
On December 28, 2012, I found love letters and went on to find phone records which showed over 14 years of a very clandestine affair and my world came crashing down all around me. I have since been going through the most difficult range of emotions you can imagine.
She has admitted to having sex at least 6 times but I'm sure there was more but at some point that doesn't matter. IT JUST HURTS SO BAD! Tomorrow we are going to see a crisis counselor. I've already made the mistake of blaming me and forgiving her. She claims she hasn't spoken to him or had contact since early 2007. I can't prove otherwise. I love my wife very much. We have a long history. I want to survive this without separating or divorcing.
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)
I feel your pain...I really do! So glad you came to SI for support.
I usually hop on here in the morning. I will check in with you to see how you are doing.
Stay strong! I am going through exactly what you are now and I know how bad the pain feels!
Healing myself is now my top priority.
We've finally decided to divorce. Finding out about an affair is terrible at any time, but finding out when it is already over (and lasted a year!), does something very insidious. It takes away your ability to look back and try to figure things out, put the pieces together. It paints every memory between the affair and finding out. I lost all trust and respect for him. And that all came out last night when I told him that I believe the kids need to know about the affair. They are adults but we live in a small town and I know some of the connections that could find them learning about it from someone else (as I did!). You know what his response was? He said it's nobody's business, including our kids and that he'll take his chances on them finding out somewhere else. Well, this mild-mannered lady lost it! I told him that was bullshit and that it was the most selfish thing I'd ever heard in my life!
You see, I found out from a mentally ill relative. My h hadn't told me because he didn't think it was my "business." He thought it was between "him and God"! Well, what the hell does that mean? It means he's selfish.
So anyway, all I know is that the affair hurt. The years of living a lie hurt as much, and probably more than that. It robbed me of something I can't quite define. And that robbing continues.
Time to rebuild and reclaim! ~L
My WW had a three to four year long affair 14 years ago. I found out a few weeks ago and have not confronted her(YET).
Some friends are suggesting I calm down and let sleeping dogs lie. I don't know if I can do that.
Me–BS age 60
Her -- WS age 58
Married for 33 years
One child, 30yrs old
Status –sick at heart
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
I am glad I know and it has made me a stronger person!
IMO you shouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. Hiding her lie to yourself will crush you and the remainder of your marriage will be your dishonesty to her.
BTW, thanks to all of the previous posters. This is a great thread that is hard to find. I caught my wife in a lie that she'd kept from me for the last 15 years. It's only been three weeks so I haven't had much time to sort all of this out for myself. Our second MC is tonight.
Reflecting back over the past 15 years since her 1 year affair, I really think this kept her from being truly committed and hurt the marriage considerably.
It is hard. I don't know but I think finding our years later is worse than finding out during or very shortly after. I feel I was robbed of choices I could've made. I also don't trust my instincts because of the years he lied to me about my questions and almost had me convinced I was completely crazy.
Those of us who found out years later go through the same things as those who found out sooner but we have many extra issues to work on.
Glad to hear you are working on things. It is so hard when you have been M for so many years.
On the other hand the year long affair from 7 years ago cuts me to the core because I can't fit it into what I thought reality was. I can't place it, I can't see when and how it happened. It infuriates me that it happened and I did not know because it colored all the time after it. My reality is totally skewed. And if I had known my situation now would be different. I was younger then. I was only a SAHM for a few years so I could have easily jumped back into the workforce. I had more choices. Now my choices are fewer. It makes things so much more difficult to find out later.