Where is Affiar recovery? My FWH also doesn't read but I am no longer going to settle for his lack of effort. He is the one who broke us and now he has to finish fixing us. I did all the books, IC,MC, here, Marriage builders anything to try and understand and get my M back on track then I realise that it is our M and he needs to a lot more than he has.
Do you ever read the R with the emotionally unavailable? That is my next thread. I think that WS who keep their A's secret forso long are exactly that and I hop I can find some good advice there.
I am doing better. My H is not. He is slipping back into his old habbits. I have to stop him and tell himI am not living with him in the garage or basement. I wonder if it hard for him to look at me. Maybe I am a reminder to him of what a jerk he was.
I agree it hard when they start treating you better or show unexpected gestures of affection or thoughtfulness. I do try and appreciate it and no question it but...
I am glad to hear he talked about and is thoughtful of what he says to you. I think it is hard if they either tune you out or get defensive and start yelling. Mine did both.
Sometimes a WS seems to forget the stupid things they did and said during the A and before they "got it".
Have you started a list of what you need from him to heal? I wrote down the things I needed and actaully just pulled it out again to remind him and me. I was just typing a letter for him because it is easier that way sometimes.
The memories suck. I remember all the times I asked him about cheating, all the friends I told that I thought he was cheating. all the times I was alone in bed. It makes me sad and angry.
I have to make myself when I remember not to dwell on them. I put them away- they are there and always will be but I am trying to make a better M so I try to focus on the good. How many kids do you have? They are positive memories and hope for the future. What type of farm do you have? How long have you had it? That must be pretty awesome.
I feel like he cheated me out so many years of happiness that he has to do double the work now to make now and future estactic. Greedy am I.
I think you are still angry at him but I also feel that somewhere is a spark of love and Hope. It is ok to love them and hate them at the same time. Pink's song "True Love" is something you should listen to. I find some truth in it. If I didn't have any love for my FWH I would not be here.
Sorry so long. I just was wanting to give you some HOPE!!
Just brought the emotional up closer to the fron it is in the "I can Relate" forum.
I swear you could hit them with a 2x4 and they still wouldn't get it. I am big into holidays and trying to make life special. When I moved out my H was so surpised and then he remembered he didn't get a card from me. Big hint wouldn't you say?
Maybe part of your anger is your sick and he isn't. I guess he also isn't very open about it, nor does he want to discuss it. My FWH is this way. He is finally showing that he knows when I am feeling poorly, he acknowledges seeing me when I stumble, he can read the pain in my face(physical). I was DX'd in 2002 and he had his A 2003. I know it makes me angry that as I need ed his help he was gone and had been gone many years since.
I also thought I was foolish and angry, I also thought the worse betrayal I had suffered wasn't him, it was me. I didn't stand up for what I beleived, I didn't trust myself. I have made peace with myself. I had a lot of stuff to deal with and sometimes there was no choice in what to do at a certain point in time. I will no longer tolerate his indifference to me. I will put me and my happiness before his. If I am not happy I have to fix it. He has to put effort into our M.
I really want someone who is in a similar situation to mine, that can talk with me about the nitty gritty of the day to day reality. To hash out the dreaded future that staying married to a man like this would entail.I am fiercely protective of my family unit and desperately want to keep it intact. My sons are 29, 20 &17 and I have a 16 month old grandson.I care about the welfare of my husband but do not have any inclination to be affectionate with him and as I said in the first post, I most definitely could never have sex with him again.My choices are either divorce-which would decimate my family unit, reconcilliation-which is out of the question, or living in a sexless marriage with a recovering sex addict who seems to be fully committed to his recovery.I've lived without sex for approx ten years anyway so I don't think that will be much of a hardship for me. (Excuse the pun! )Anyone out there who can identify?
[This message edited by jangledchick at 4:19 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]
The affair ended about 6 and a half years ago, she doesn't remember the exact date. It would be silly to expect her to after all this time.
She's as remorseful as she could be and she's being everything I need right now. I have no doubt as to her current commitment. We're going into therapy next Tuesday and I am looking forward to being able to speak with a neutral professional about this.
I'm OK some days and a wreck other days. We've had constant sex since DDay and there is a lot of reassuring and nurturing going on. In a lot of ways, we're more open than we've ever been with each other right now. I guess she's finally learned she really can tell me anything and the world won't end.
I feel like it'll be good in the long run. We're coming through the fire and will be forged stronger in the end. But until we reach that end, the fire hurts an awful lot sometimes.
She's had almost 7 years to process her feelings. She's dealing with the hurt she's caused me, to be sure, but my wound is still very fresh and the first two years of marriage and raising our daughter together are constantly being put into a very different light for me. Happy occasions I remember are suddenly colored with the knowledge that she was sleeping around with her colleague. From what she tells me, it sounds almost like a postpartum depression that spiralled way out of control. I wish she had trusted me at the time to be there for her rather than looking to someone else for comfort.
Still, in the end she chose me, even if the end took two years to come. She's been a great wife, mother, and partner since it all ended. If I didn't have the past six years with her, I might not want to still be with her. Barring any future revelations or deceptions, I believe we can work through this.
Do any of you feel that its better finding out later? Or do you wish you would have known when it happened?
I think most of us here would saying finding out later was worse. I think we have more to deal with, we question everything imaginable. I know if I had found out at the time I would not be M today
You story mirrors mine completely, other than it took me 20 years to find out. My wife is also very sorry, very eager to help me.
Where we depart is in attitude. You have a great and positive attitude, and are handling things in a very logical and wise fashion.
I, on the other hand, am being much more negative, petty, and unforgiving. We've made progress, and also are closer now, but I am struggling mightily to put things behind me and forgive. Very obsessed by what happened, and cannot get the images out of my mind.
What's your secret?
[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 7:19 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]
She thought they were in luuuvvvv, true soul mates in life. She had decided to end our marriage as soon as DD graduated high school and WW received her PhD. She actually bought into the fantasy of them running off to CA to teach at a small private university. It did not dawn on her just how badly deluded she was for almost a year after the affair ended.
I don’t think I could have sat and listened to how much she loved him without throwing her out and filing for D. Both she and MC looked shocked when I said as much in session a couple of weeks ago. In truth, what I said was ‘the first time I heard that soul mate crap, star crossed lovers bullshit, I’d have Hefty Bagged her crap and changed the locks.’
She has had fourteen/fifteen years to realize the truth, process her true feelings and I think she is truly remorseful. She is doing everything I ask and more trying to help me come to terms with her infidelity, her lies, her betrayal. She even offered to send letters to people in Atlanta (that knew about the A and helped cover it up) telling them the excuses she used at that time, getting their assistance in covering up the affair, justifying her actions, etc., were untrue. Apparently, she told people I was ‘unambitious, ‘unsupportive’, and ‘unemotional’. I’ve told her ‘thanks but no’, I never want to see or hear from any of them again as they are definitely not friends of the marriage.
These were people we socialized with, people we invited to share our beach house, couples we invited to backyard cookouts. They knew me better than that! They knew I did almost all of the cooking, cleaning, attended school functions, and supported the family while she chased her dream of a PhD. They knew, but still came to our house, drank my beer and single malts, ate our food, AND SAID NOT A DAMN WORD TO ME. (for some reason this hurts almost as much as the A itself)
I have IC twice a week; fWW has IC once a week. fWW’s IC told her she could drop back to once a month and fWW told her she wanted to continue weekly sessions to keep reminding herself the affair may be old but my discovery is recent,my pain current and debilitating.
In addition to IC, we have MC once a week although we will be cutting back to twice a month after the first of the year. The latest stumbling block, I am having real problems with being ‘the backup plan’. MC and IC both tell me to look at it as ‘she chooses me’ but I am finding that difficult. Maybe if she had been the one to end the ‘A’ I could believe ‘she picked me’. The way I am looking at it, he dumped her, threw her under the bus when his BS found out and she was stuck with me. She didn’t pick me, she settled for her second choice (me) after her four yearlong A went to hell in a hand basket.
Time will tell, time does not heal wounds, it is what you do with the time that heals the wounds although the scars may be there forever.
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
Sorry to see you in this boat. Many of us here agree that finding out later may be one reason why we are still M. It is hard to discover your partner cheated and kept it a secret for years.
I don't know if you are questioning everything but it sounds like you are. For me that is harder than the A. MT WH lied to me and tried to convince me I ws crzy for being suspicious. Not only do I question everything about him I also question myself.
You wonder why she stayed and I know that is a big question for me too. It is so difficult to accept when my H claims he stayed because he loved me. If that was the case why was he screwing around? It boggles my mind having an affair is the least loving thing a S can do.(IMHO) I think next on the list of least loving things they can do is lie and keep it a secret for years. I know the reasoning my H used is if I didn't know it wouldn't hurt me. How dumb is that? The secret almost destroyed us, he drank himself to the point of alcoholism and he distanced himself that basically we were living seperate lives. Roomates that didn't like each other.
Now we are working on rebuilding actually starting over. I do not count the last years ar part of my M. I even suggested a D and them maybe remarry. I think he is afraid if he does that I am gone. AT one point that would've been the case.
I can tell you with time things do get better and yes the wounds are there. Like scars they will heal and fade with the proper care.
We were new in town and she didn't have any girl friends and we were looking for a babysitter for our 2-year old little girl. The president seemed to know everyone by name on campus and when he introduced himself to me, he asked me to come to him for help if I ever needed anything.
A couple weeks later, I approached the president and asked him for a special favor. I asked him if we could speak privately in his office because what I had to ask him for a very important favor.
I told him that my wife didn't know any girls her age and asked him if he would be willing to introduce my wife to some nice female students in which to make friends and to find a suitable babysitter so we could go dancing. I also happened to mention during our conversation that I worked night shifts at a local hospital. Of course he said that he would be happy to help me and told me to bring her to the student center so he could introduce my wife to some new friends.
A day or two later, I brought my wife to campus and introduced her to the president and then I had to run to class. Needless to say, he never introduced her to anybody and began sleeping with her a few weeks after that.
My wife says that she fell instantly "in love" with him and felt as though he was her soul mate. According to her, they planned to tell me about their love at our graduation ceremony and get married, but she decided to end the affair fearing that I would kill Mr. President if I were to ever find out.
Mr. President committed suicide 4 years ago after many years on a jet-setting drug-binge. Naturally, my W feels she made the right decision to stay with me, but continues to "love" him to this day. It really hurts me that I wasn't enough to fulfill her emotional needs. She decided to confess to me about the A after she converted to Christianity and felt that telling me was necessary for her to get beyond her sin.
I respect and admire her for coming clean about her A even though it hurts like HELL. She is currently in IC, hoping to overcome her "love feelings" for the OM. She realizes that he was not the person she thought he was, but the fantasy remains very strong in her mind.