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For Those Who Found Out Years Later
Where is Affiar recovery? My FWH also doesn't read but I am no longer going to settle for his lack of effort. He is the one who broke us and now he has to finish fixing us. I did all the books, IC,MC, here, Marriage builders anything to try and understand and get my M back on track then I realise that it is our M and he needs to a lot more than he has.
Do you ever read the R with the emotionally unavailable? That is my next thread. I think that WS who keep their A's secret forso long are exactly that and I hop I can find some good advice there.
Hi Dallas, Affair Recovery is a website. Has had some pretty good extensive articles on all this. It is Christian, I like that. He was a cheater and a SA, turned himself around and made his marriage work. I guess I feel like he gives good advise because he has BTDT. I have shared a lot of the articles w my H. Like I posted before, he is never going to seek info out on his own. Even when I read them to him it takes a week and maybe two more times of reading it for anything to get through. He isn't dense so I know he is just resistant to anything that might make him feel bad.
We actually had about a week of doing pretty good, till yesterday. He talked about someone at work being out most of the night and acting like a teenager, all of a sudden I remember that he (BH) was out all night with his AP while I was @ home with our 2 babies and our house was broken into. Couldn't find him anywhere, about 7 AM he calls and says he just got my message, he was asleep and never heard the pounding on his door. He was working in another town at the time. So I remember this and then I remember being in labor w/ our first, I asked him to please sit up with me & time contractions but he was TIRED and said to get him up when I needed to go to the hospital. I also started to remember how we never went anywhere, had a dinner out or movie, all things he did with his AP's. I just started to shake- literally-. I said we should talk about this later because right now I am having a really bad time, I am feeling angry and remembering things that are very painful to me. We went about our way and later talked about it. You could tell he carefully thought about what he responded to everything I said and I think that was due to what I read to him. Went well, ended without a fight but, to tell the truth today I am still remembering those things and feeling pretty cold toward him. I've been taking how for all those years of knowing but not knowing I always said - If he ever gets it & changes it'll be too little too late. So true. He waited till I had no more love just commitment to my vows for him. On a good day I can laugh with him and work beside him on our farm but the most I feel for him is friendship. He threw everything else away many years ago.
Thanks for letting me ramble on, I needed to talk to someone & am completely alone in this. Zero support anywhere but on SI
Dallas, I just read an old post from you where you say you are the same person who was shaped by your H treatment. Boy, that sure describes me, after so long of being treated poorly and carelessly it's hard to accept that he is trying to be a better H. I am not used to being treated nicely, that was saved for others. So now I have a hard time not pulling away, maybe I can try to just accept and see if it lasts. Are you doing better?
I am doing better. My H is not. He is slipping back into his old habbits. I have to stop him and tell himI am not living with him in the garage or basement. I wonder if it hard for him to look at me. Maybe I am a reminder to him of what a jerk he was.
I agree it hard when they start treating you better or show unexpected gestures of affection or thoughtfulness. I do try and appreciate it and no question it but...
I am glad to hear he talked about and is thoughtful of what he says to you. I think it is hard if they either tune you out or get defensive and start yelling. Mine did both.
Sometimes a WS seems to forget the stupid things they did and said during the A and before they "got it".
Have you started a list of what you need from him to heal? I wrote down the things I needed and actaully just pulled it out again to remind him and me. I was just typing a letter for him because it is easier that way sometimes.
The memories suck. I remember all the times I asked him about cheating, all the friends I told that I thought he was cheating. all the times I was alone in bed. It makes me sad and angry.
I have to make myself when I remember not to dwell on them. I put them away- they are there and always will be but I am trying to make a better M so I try to focus on the good. How many kids do you have? They are positive memories and hope for the future. What type of farm do you have? How long have you had it? That must be pretty awesome.
I feel like he cheated me out so many years of happiness that he has to do double the work now to make now and future estactic. Greedy am I.
I think you are still angry at him but I also feel that somewhere is a spark of love and Hope. It is ok to love them and hate them at the same time. Pink's song "True Love" is something you should listen to. I find some truth in it. If I didn't have any love for my FWH I would not be here.
Sorry so long. I just was wanting to give you some HOPE!!
Hi Kim, you are right about being mad at him. Anytime I let myself think about how foolish I was to stay while I was being lied to, and the way he treated me for so long I get so mad! Then I think about how young we were and stupid! I guess what is so hard is that I loved him so much, even though I "saw" all the signs of his affairs I thought I could be the one who held us together. I held that faith for YEARS, he totally disregarded me, just went about his own life. Even when I got sick and had to have tests to get diagnosed ( similar disease to MS) he went off to do a job out of town and left our neighbor to take care of me for a week. He could only manage to call once a day. All our neighbors chipped in, walked the dog, cooked meals for me took me back to Drs etc. 5 years later I found out the truth about his affairs and porn, by then I had lost any feelings for him as he had never been there for me. THEN he begins to act loving and considerate. He waited till I felt nothing, why? Now he says to me- you have everything you tried so hard to have for 30 years and now you don't want it. My feelings were gone for 10 years, he never even noticed that I no longer cared for him. Said he thought during that time when I just quit talking to him that things were good, fine, and finally I had quit nagging him to talk, do things, connect with each other. He said he never really thought about me, the kids, what I might want or need. He figured I just wanted whatever he wanted but, never thought to talk to me. He did spend hours talking with AP. Told her all about us, our marriage our sex life etc. never felt then need to talk to me.
Where is the topic on emotionally unavailable ? I found it once but can't seem to now.
I tried to make a list of what I need or want, it was hard. He is trying so hard, I just can't force myself to feel things I don't feel.
I am praying for you, I hope it gets better. Do you have support? MC? IC? I am glad I have my faith. Sharron
Just brought the emotional up closer to the fron it is in the "I can Relate" forum.
I swear you could hit them with a 2x4 and they still wouldn't get it. I am big into holidays and trying to make life special. When I moved out my H was so surpised and then he remembered he didn't get a card from me. Big hint wouldn't you say?
Maybe part of your anger is your sick and he isn't. I guess he also isn't very open about it, nor does he want to discuss it. My FWH is this way. He is finally showing that he knows when I am feeling poorly, he acknowledges seeing me when I stumble, he can read the pain in my face(physical). I was DX'd in 2002 and he had his A 2003. I know it makes me angry that as I need ed his help he was gone and had been gone many years since.
I also thought I was foolish and angry, I also thought the worse betrayal I had suffered wasn't him, it was me. I didn't stand up for what I beleived, I didn't trust myself. I have made peace with myself. I had a lot of stuff to deal with and sometimes there was no choice in what to do at a certain point in time. I will no longer tolerate his indifference to me. I will put me and my happiness before his. If I am not happy I have to fix it. He has to put effort into our M.
Apart from ALL the obvious reasons to be shattered by their use of prostitutes, understanding the concept of sex addiction and then maybe even feeling compassion for their plight... HOW do you even begin to imagine having sex again?I am repulsed by him. He is tainted. The hands I once loved are layered with imprints of all the whores. The smooth olive skin I once enjoyed stroking is now impregnated with the perverted touch of others.I've been told that I can heal from this and that with time and hard work can recover, BUT I don't want to overcome these thoughts and feelings. I WILL NOT.Imagine something so repugnant to you that you'd rather do ANYTHING but that something, say... eating the regurgitated food from a cat or a deep fried cane rat . Then imagine being told, that with time and hard work, you can overcome your feelings. Would you be willing to give time and hard work to overcome your feelings?
I really want someone who is in a similar situation to mine, that can talk with me about the nitty gritty of the day to day reality. To hash out the dreaded future that staying married to a man like this would entail.I am fiercely protective of my family unit and desperately want to keep it intact. My sons are 29, 20 &17 and I have a 16 month old grandson.I care about the welfare of my husband but do not have any inclination to be affectionate with him and as I said in the first post, I most definitely could never have sex with him again.My choices are either divorce-which would decimate my family unit, reconcilliation-which is out of the question, or living in a sexless marriage with a recovering sex addict who seems to be fully committed to his recovery.I've lived without sex for approx ten years anyway so I don't think that will be much of a hardship for me. (Excuse the pun! )Anyone out there who can identify?
[This message edited by jangledchick at 4:19 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]
I found out the true extent of my wife's affair just last Wednesday, the 6th of December.
The affair ended about 6 and a half years ago, she doesn't remember the exact date. It would be silly to expect her to after all this time.
She's as remorseful as she could be and she's being everything I need right now. I have no doubt as to her current commitment. We're going into therapy next Tuesday and I am looking forward to being able to speak with a neutral professional about this.
I'm OK some days and a wreck other days. We've had constant sex since DDay and there is a lot of reassuring and nurturing going on. In a lot of ways, we're more open than we've ever been with each other right now. I guess she's finally learned she really can tell me anything and the world won't end.
I feel like it'll be good in the long run. We're coming through the fire and will be forged stronger in the end. But until we reach that end, the fire hurts an awful lot sometimes.
She's had almost 7 years to process her feelings. She's dealing with the hurt she's caused me, to be sure, but my wound is still very fresh and the first two years of marriage and raising our daughter together are constantly being put into a very different light for me. Happy occasions I remember are suddenly colored with the knowledge that she was sleeping around with her colleague. From what she tells me, it sounds almost like a postpartum depression that spiralled way out of control. I wish she had trusted me at the time to be there for her rather than looking to someone else for comfort.
Still, in the end she chose me, even if the end took two years to come. She's been a great wife, mother, and partner since it all ended. If I didn't have the past six years with her, I might not want to still be with her. Barring any future revelations or deceptions, I believe we can work through this.
King, welcome to the thread. It sounds like you are on the right track, remorse and effort on WW part make recovery possible. It is hard finding out later, do you ( like me) wonder about things that are forgotten? You seem to accept that so much better than I am able to. Any ideas why? It also sounds like there is still love in your relationship, that goes a long way to easing recovery I think. Several in this thread have mentioned that the betrayal and the amount of time that passed before reevaluation have all but eliminated any feelings of love.
For your situation I am happy, keep posting how it going. I love a happy ending
I found out in late Sep that my WS has had 3 ONS in the past. Once when we had a 2month seperation, another after we had gotten back together, where he drove to her apartment ( the same girl he slept with in our separation, he ran into her at a bar) and then once again about 1-2yrs after that at some house party.
These two girls are apart of the same circle of friends. One of the reasons we seperated was because of his addiction to cocaine. After we separated he just drown himself in alcohol and drugs. One night he called me in tears saying he is sorry and that he loves me and will change. I gave him that chance and he had relapsed a few times but i helped him through it.. ( has been clean of cocaine in 4yrs) and i remember him doing some really stupid shit wasted a few years back. Then he finally changed and stuck to it we have had the best life the past 3 years, he has become a different person and we had our daughter last year and everything was great. He has been so great, i thought wow, he is finally grown up ( we were young when we got togetherI was 15 him 17) I was so proud of the man he had become.
One wasted night a few friends were talking anout cheating spouses and I remember coming home to him amd asking him if he has ever cheated or done anything. The look on his face told me something was there, so i kept at it and it eventually came out. Im soo devastated, I thought I knew who he was. Its so hard to think I never saw it... Never. If anything I was suspicious about the drugs never cheating.
He never brought me around that circle of people ( prob because they were all getting high)
Its sooo hard trying to put all the pieces together. There are sooooo many moments of happiness and I feel as if they were all fake now.
He told me that shortly after the third time he came home amd was watching me with our son and had this " WTF am I doing moment" and has been deeling with what he jas done. He had gained alot of weight (90lbs) and would go through moments of a depressed like state but would mever really talk about ot....
It just kills me thinking that I was comforting him all these years when he was feeling bad about cheating on me... And i didnt even know it... Ugh
Do any of you feel that its better finding out later? Or do you wish you would have known when it happened?
My feeling is that the longer they lie the more difficult to recover. The more lies that were told the more trust was eroded. I would have liked to know right away.
Most surely at the time or at least soon afterwards. Along with the things that have been mentioned I can't imagine living with that for all these years. I was raised and raised my kids that when you do wrong own up to it immediately.
I was raised to do the right thing also, it wasn't that you couldn't make a mistake. Your character is revealed in how you handle the mistake, we also were raised to make amends.
kate0421- Your situation is a little different than mine becaue of the drugs and there is a thread in the I can relate forum for those that love an addict. The only thing I can say is when they are on drugs they are not in their right mind, I don't think they even have a mind or concious at all. I am not excusing his behavior but you know how low he went and some things that he did you know he would not have if not for the drugs.
I think most of us here would saying finding out later was worse. I think we have more to deal with, we question everything imaginable. I know if I had found out at the time I would not be M today
You story mirrors mine completely, other than it took me 20 years to find out. My wife is also very sorry, very eager to help me.
Where we depart is in attitude. You have a great and positive attitude, and are handling things in a very logical and wise fashion.
I, on the other hand, am being much more negative, petty, and unforgiving. We've made progress, and also are closer now, but I am struggling mightily to put things behind me and forgive. Very obsessed by what happened, and cannot get the images out of my mind.
What's your secret?
[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 7:19 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]
In our case, I think the years separating the end of the affair and my discovery are quite possibly the thing that will allow our marriage to survive. I’ve spent a lot of time mulling this over the past few weeks, reading and re-reading the timeline. Seeing how deeply she was immersed in her fantasy life with her AP, I do not think our marriage would have survived had I discovered it during the A or anytime in the first year after it ended.
She thought they were in luuuvvvv, true soul mates in life. She had decided to end our marriage as soon as DD graduated high school and WW received her PhD. She actually bought into the fantasy of them running off to CA to teach at a small private university. It did not dawn on her just how badly deluded she was for almost a year after the affair ended.
I don’t think I could have sat and listened to how much she loved him without throwing her out and filing for D. Both she and MC looked shocked when I said as much in session a couple of weeks ago. In truth, what I said was ‘the first time I heard that soul mate crap, star crossed lovers bullshit, I’d have Hefty Bagged her crap and changed the locks.’
She has had fourteen/fifteen years to realize the truth, process her true feelings and I think she is truly remorseful. She is doing everything I ask and more trying to help me come to terms with her infidelity, her lies, her betrayal. She even offered to send letters to people in Atlanta (that knew about the A and helped cover it up) telling them the excuses she used at that time, getting their assistance in covering up the affair, justifying her actions, etc., were untrue. Apparently, she told people I was ‘unambitious, ‘unsupportive’, and ‘unemotional’. I’ve told her ‘thanks but no’, I never want to see or hear from any of them again as they are definitely not friends of the marriage.
These were people we socialized with, people we invited to share our beach house, couples we invited to backyard cookouts. They knew me better than that! They knew I did almost all of the cooking, cleaning, attended school functions, and supported the family while she chased her dream of a PhD. They knew, but still came to our house, drank my beer and single malts, ate our food, AND SAID NOT A DAMN WORD TO ME. (for some reason this hurts almost as much as the A itself)
I have IC twice a week; fWW has IC once a week. fWW’s IC told her she could drop back to once a month and fWW told her she wanted to continue weekly sessions to keep reminding herself the affair may be old but my discovery is recent,my pain current and debilitating.
In addition to IC, we have MC once a week although we will be cutting back to twice a month after the first of the year. The latest stumbling block, I am having real problems with being ‘the backup plan’. MC and IC both tell me to look at it as ‘she chooses me’ but I am finding that difficult. Maybe if she had been the one to end the ‘A’ I could believe ‘she picked me’. The way I am looking at it, he dumped her, threw her under the bus when his BS found out and she was stuck with me. She didn’t pick me, she settled for her second choice (me) after her four yearlong A went to hell in a hand basket.
Time will tell, time does not heal wounds, it is what you do with the time that heals the wounds although the scars may be there forever.
Sorry to see you in this boat. Many of us here agree that finding out later may be one reason why we are still M. It is hard to discover your partner cheated and kept it a secret for years.
I don't know if you are questioning everything but it sounds like you are. For me that is harder than the A. MT WH lied to me and tried to convince me I ws crzy for being suspicious. Not only do I question everything about him I also question myself.
You wonder why she stayed and I know that is a big question for me too. It is so difficult to accept when my H claims he stayed because he loved me. If that was the case why was he screwing around? It boggles my mind having an affair is the least loving thing a S can do.(IMHO) I think next on the list of least loving things they can do is lie and keep it a secret for years. I know the reasoning my H used is if I didn't know it wouldn't hurt me. How dumb is that? The secret almost destroyed us, he drank himself to the point of alcoholism and he distanced himself that basically we were living seperate lives. Roomates that didn't like each other.
Now we are working on rebuilding actually starting over. I do not count the last years ar part of my M. I even suggested a D and them maybe remarry. I think he is afraid if he does that I am gone. AT one point that would've been the case.
I can tell you with time things do get better and yes the wounds are there. Like scars they will heal and fade with the proper care.
It drives me insane the fact that I will never know who this woman is, how the relationship started, ANYTHING! I can definitely relate to this.
I guess I belong here. Found out 12/29/13 that the love of my life, my only, had a ONS with a girl he met at a bar in 1993 while out of town working, 3 yrs after our wedding & just months after our first son was born. He wouldn't have told me if I hadn't thought I had an STD (went today, don't have what I thought I had, thank God, waiting to hear about the other tests) and confronted him and pretty much told him I wouldn't accept anything other than his confession. He is showing remorse, a lot of it, really. Its not helping me in the least. 20 years of lies. EVERYTHING is nasty now. I asked if he was drunk. He said buzzed. I asked if at any time during the night if he thought he shouldn't be doing what he was doing and he said "I don't remember thinking that until afterward." He said he confessed to his dad and told no one else. He says he thought our marriage was pretty much over. Long story there, but it certainly wasn't. It was a huge misunderstanding on his part. He said he learned a big lesson and has never cheated since. He is an alcoholic now since returning from Iraq and suffers PTSD & major depression. He lies about almost everything, especially anything to do with drinking and anything to make him look like he is better than what he is.
I just found out in October that the virgin I married had a 5-month A 19 years ago with the student body president of my college. We were married for five years when this all began.
We were new in town and she didn't have any girl friends and we were looking for a babysitter for our 2-year old little girl. The president seemed to know everyone by name on campus and when he introduced himself to me, he asked me to come to him for help if I ever needed anything.
A couple weeks later, I approached the president and asked him for a special favor. I asked him if we could speak privately in his office because what I had to ask him for a very important favor.
I told him that my wife didn't know any girls her age and asked him if he would be willing to introduce my wife to some nice female students in which to make friends and to find a suitable babysitter so we could go dancing. I also happened to mention during our conversation that I worked night shifts at a local hospital. Of course he said that he would be happy to help me and told me to bring her to the student center so he could introduce my wife to some new friends.
A day or two later, I brought my wife to campus and introduced her to the president and then I had to run to class. Needless to say, he never introduced her to anybody and began sleeping with her a few weeks after that.
My wife says that she fell instantly "in love" with him and felt as though he was her soul mate. According to her, they planned to tell me about their love at our graduation ceremony and get married, but she decided to end the affair fearing that I would kill Mr. President if I were to ever find out.
Mr. President committed suicide 4 years ago after many years on a jet-setting drug-binge. Naturally, my W feels she made the right decision to stay with me, but continues to "love" him to this day. It really hurts me that I wasn't enough to fulfill her emotional needs. She decided to confess to me about the A after she converted to Christianity and felt that telling me was necessary for her to get beyond her sin.
I respect and admire her for coming clean about her A even though it hurts like HELL. She is currently in IC, hoping to overcome her "love feelings" for the OM. She realizes that he was not the person she thought he was, but the fantasy remains very strong in her mind.