Ons, whether it happened once or twice, still devastating and extremely difficult to accept and move on. I'm well over the one year mark, and still unsure whether to stay or leave.
A little background: WH had LTA, caught and TRYING to R...
During a polygraph he also confessed to a ONS only 6 weeks after saying he would pledge his fidelity to me in M...
Well, he has always put the ONS in a whole different category, saying "It was 25 years ago! I was younger, It was ONLY a ONS, it was a whole different why, etc Therefore we don't need to dredge that whole thing up...
Damned it, I am just so over all this minimizing, deflecting and crazy making!!! This whole R thing has wrung me dry and today and many days I don't think I have it in me to sacrifice any more of myself for this wrecking ball of a H... Sorry, but this vent sure feels good. Thanks for listening and if you have a box of tissue please read my profile, yuk.
After all the tears and hard work that was done for the past few years, he is having another affair. This one is different because he feels he has a future with her
I think if I had just ended the marriage when I first found out about the first affair I would not be hurting so much now. I do believe I have give it the best I can and know that the marriage failure is on him.
I now believe a spouse who's capable of lying and keeping secrets for so long isn't really going to give it their all to save the marriage.
I know some exws will do the work but I have to suggest to the bs to run and start over. Make the choice yours not theirs?
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
At his request, we started counseling immediately and in the course of the sessions he admitted to an affair about 20 years ago with a neighbor (the mother of my daughter's best friend). He said he had assumed I had known about it. The other betrayed spouse had confronted him. I'm such an idiot, I thought that the other husband was crazy. MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.
So now, I have not only the current affair (over before I found the mail, but it happened and he wasn't going to tell me and I never saw any signs) and also the knowledge of this other one to deal with. He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???
How can I bear this? I cry every day. I cannot believe how stupid I was. We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.
Almost 5 years ago, I found emails...started looking b/c H was acting really weird...that gut feeling they talked about spurred me to investigate...I never felt the need to investigate before...not in 35+ years! Short version...he was having an A with an old gf...one from even before me that I had never heard of. Okay, so I am thinking this is bad...this hurts...he's having a midlife crisis thing...etc. Then the real shocker...ha had an A with her 20 years before when our oldest was just a toddler!
MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.
All these years, I NEVER KNEW??? He kept this from me???
You should ask your H if he really thought that you knew, did he think you just never ask him about it? Also the confession of the old A...that baffles me as well. Did he just feel the need to confess??
When I confronted my WH about the emails and he told me who she was, he confessed about the A 20 years prior. I wondered why ...after all these years. I think it was b/c he felt like it justified his current A with her...old gf...buried feelings, etc.
You will find that the current A hurts in one way, but he past A has other consequences. In my case, we were happy then...starting careers, family, first house...pressures, but we were close, secure...I thought. How could he have done that back then and me not even suspect?? How could he have kept it a secret all these years? How can I ever believe him after such a huge 20 year lie? Who else knew and did not tell me?
First...you were a trusting spouse...that what a spouse is supposed to be. You are supposed to be able to blindly trust your life partner. YOU are not crazy.
We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.
Me too...40 years and two kids and a lot of life...good and bad together. It wasn't ALL a lie...but he is not the person you thought he was...now you know. Whatever happens, now you know the truth.
He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???
You don't and may never...things have changed...the blind trust is gone. That doesn't mean your M can't survive, but things are different. In my case, it is the same OW...I am supposed to believe that they had the 2 A's 20 years apart and that was all. As far as others, he says no, but ???
I don't post here...on this thread... a lot and probably should look here more b/c the old A are definitely harder to deal with in the long run. The current A have more sting but finding out about deceptions from years before, lies of the past, have deeper consequences I think. While you are in MC, ask questions...all you can.
You will never know if there were more or all the details of the ones you do know about. For many FWS the As really meant so little to them or ith time the have truly forgotten many of the details.
I think one of the hardest things is for us the BS to go back in time and remember and wonder the hat ifs? I read here someplace and I don't remember exactly where but do not let the knowledge of what you ws did rob you of your past.
Your past is as you remember it. Hang on to those good memeories/ At first this is hard but after awhile I got it. Don't let them rob you of what you felt. Your feelings were and are real.
You will never trust agin the ay you did before but that is okay. I have read that it takes twics as long to recover from an A as the the A lasted. For those of us who found out years later we hae the added burden of knowing our sPs lied for however many years. I think even these M can recover if both partners put in 110%. I also feel it important to listen to you gut. It knows.
WH had affair with a newlywed OW 24 yrs ago. We were not married then, I was the pregnant GF. This was before the age of Facebook, smart phones and even email. Her BH found out and my then WBF backed off. Baby was born, I found out but R'd, we got married and life went on. I never had a problem like that again until Jan, 2014. Guess who? Yep, OW from 24 yrs ago. Crazy thoughts go through your head. I didn't know how they had left it, 24 yrs ago. Maybe "I'll always love you but this is such bad timing"? Maybe now was the right time? Had they been seeing each other on and off over the years? All I really know is they didnt hit it off so well this time. Hes now 61 yrs old., not the young passionate guy she remembers. And she is menopausal mother of two, not a pert young newlywed. I know just about everything about this recent encounter, but almost nothing about the first. And now its all brought up again. So many unanswered questions. Dont know yet how its going to play out with us.
you are so close to dday and this is still such a shock...just take one day at a time. You have a lot to process. Honestly, I think I would focus on the IC...MC is great if WH is willing to put effort into it, but realize you will need him to answer questions.
Seeing the OW...bless your heart. Do you talk to this woman at games...know her? If not I would hold off on confronting.
Dkrms and SMSA
think of where you want to be 5, 10, or 20 years from now.
This is so true...I'm in my late 50's ...I need answers ...life is short.
Crazy thoughts go through your head. I didn't know how they had left it, 24 yrs ago. Maybe "I'll always love you but this is such bad timing"? Maybe now was the right time? Had they been seeing each other on and off over the years?
Drives you crazy doesn't it? I don't have much to go on as I didn't even know she existed until 5 years ago.