WS betrayed me 11 years ago....just found out.
DDay, May 15, 2014
It is normal to want the karma bus to run over her and back up several times.
But ... like you said, she knew what she was doing...her moral compass is NOT the same as yours...there are a lot of OW like that out there. Contact with her would serve no purpose and may even make it worse.
I am 5 years out and at some point she WILL be insignificant to you.
Your energy needs to be directed on YOU...you are early in the healing process. IC should help.
You found emails from that far back! My first question to WH would be why were those emails not deleted long ago?
I didn't. I went to IC and did al the work to try ad overcome this heartbreak. Fast forward four years he has had another A and this time left for the other woman.
If your fwh is truly remorseful and trying to fix things I still say try but if it doesn't seem to you or you feel it in your gut that he is Ii say run and run fast
My H had an A with an old gf 25 years ago. 5 years ago he looked her up and another A began.
I found out about the one 5 years ago through emails he left open (I think he did that intentionally so I would find them). When I confronted him, he confessed about the one 20 years before, so I was dealing with a present A and a past one. Not sure which was hardest.
I had to deal with the present one first...he was still in contact for a while and in the fog. Once in R, I still had to deal with the past betrayal...to me the fact that he did not tell me all those years made it worst. What your H needs to realize is that even though he may have put it way behind him, you are dealing with it now as if it happened yesterday and that ultimately, it has changed a lot of things in YOUR life and your M and that can't be ignored.
I knew most of the people my H knew as teens...he was 20 when we started dating (40 years ago) and I had never even heard her name. The fact that another person that you never even knew existed had such an impact on your life is overwhelming.
Just take baby steps...forgiveness will come ...or not. Don't put the pressure to forgive on yourself. I love my H and we are R pretty well, but I can't say I have forgiven him.
I am not sure why but either during the A or just after she decided I needed to know, started dropping hints. I didn’t want to believe either one of them would do this so I guess I went into denial. A therapist told me it is common, you don’t want to go there because it will hurt if you confront the issue, you also are afraid of the outcome. I think if I had confronted it at the time I would have left him, no discussion, no questions, just gone.
Life went on, everything was been great. Relationship was good, we continued to be friends with the OW and her spouse (I still didn’t know for sure what happened and tried to bury it). I know OW had cheated on her first husband multiple times and had cheated on her current husband. The OW definitely has issues, I have caught her in a lot of lies, not sure she knows what the truth is. She and her H don’t get along well, always arguing, nagging, tells people he “won’t give me a divorce”. Silly – no one has to “give” someone a divorce, you go get one. She had an A with another of her H’s friends and was caught. I also found out she had come on to another friend and was caught “making out” with a married man at a party. I do believe she would leave her H if anyone else would have her.
A couple of years ago, for some reason, the OW started saying weird things to me about my H. I am pretty sure nothing was going on, not just because he swears it wasn’t, but there was no time or opportunity. I won’t go into details but OW was talking about what a good relationship they had as friends, try to make me feel insecure in my relationship, belittle me, make me doubt the marriage. Saying things you would never say to another woman about her husband.
It finally got to me and I confronted my H, DDay Dec 2012. He fessed up about what had happened 25 yrs ago. It was hard to take even though I kind of knew anyway. I emailed OW, told her I knew and not to contact either of us again. The OW kept breaking the no contact for a bit, at least 6 months, contacting both H and me. I caught her lying about it and when I let her know she was caught she went into a rage. H stopped answering his work phone for a while but she seems to have stopped now.
I went to counseling, it helped a bit. My H has done everything he can to make it work. He offered to attend MC but not sure that is necessary so we didn’t do it. He checks in often, I have access to his computer, phone, email, etc. Of course I know there are many ways to get around that – other email accounts, another cell phone, etc. If someone is going to cheat they will. Since DDay H has become more attentive, more romantic, our sex life is good (although ugly thoughts sometimes creep in), very thoughtful, and for the most part does not get upset when I lose it and get angry all over again (when does that stop??).
So – 25 years from the betrayal, almost 2 years out from DDay, and still trying to deal with the hurt.
I do still love him. I am not sure I will ever completely trust him again. I am not sure I will ever forgive him. One thing I know for sure is I will never forget, and I really wish I could do that.
it is interesting that you remember that you had "clues" and denied them...I wonder if maybe I did the same thing...maybe just suppressed them. I asked H when and why way back then? He really has issues with memory and time frames, but told me how old our oldest child was at the time of the A. I have racked my brain trying to remember if there were clues...any gut feeling I had back then and can't really think of anything that stands out. As I remember during that time we were pretty happy...busy, but happy...????
I see pictures of us together from that time frame and wonder how he could stand there next to me while lying to me, while doing her on the side. I think of things we did together during that time and wonder how he could do those things with me while deceiving me, while betraying me.
Ugh - hard to get passed all this.
I know exactly how you feel. I scoured photos of that time frame and read my journal looking for any clue that something was going on...I unlike most of you had NO clue this happened. I was dealing with a lot right around that time and obviously my focus was not on my husband. I look at those photos that depict a happy marriage and feel absolutely betrayed I was the dutiful wife while he was the selfish. I don't know if I will ever get over this.....I'm just taking one day at a time
My H has been very attentive and loving and attended MC ...it isn't pall smooth sailing yet...I doubt it ever will be again. I take each day as it comes and try not to dwell on the thing I cannot change. Still trying to figure out if I can live with his betrayal and the 11 years of lies
11 years of lies
I think the years of keeping it a secret are the worst part of the betrayal. How could he face me all those years after...20 in my case...and not tell me? The OW was not part of our group of friends, but there was a couple that we were friends with...long time friends that must have known. I feel betrayed by them as well.
The time of the A WAS a busy time...we were both working, I was in school, small child, etc., but we were very tuned in with OUR life then also. I don't think I was not paying attention...just never had A on my radar...ever...never imagined he would cheat on me. Back in 80's there were no cell phone, internet social media, etc. Nothing to hit you in the face. If he said he was going fishing I believed him...working late...okay...I'll keep dinner warm. Such trust
I know exactly how you feel. I never had a clue. At the time we were building a $60,000 addition to our family home. We booked our first vacation without children at the same time this affair happened. We went on that trip 4 months later and had a wonderful time....no idea....no remorse on his part, that I could tell. Heck maybe this was his way of clearing his conscience.....showering me with "gifts" so to speak......but I was so trusting of him and secure in our marriage that it never dawned on me that that was what he was doing. I can see it now to some extent.....in all honesty I think I may have figured something out if it weren't for the fact that I was dealing with my fathers cancer treatments at the time. For many years he has told me he wants to grow old with me and that I am the love of his life and the best thing that ever happened to him. The sad thing is, he keeps telling me that he never stopped loving me. How can I believe this when I keep questioning how, if he truly loved me, he could make a decision 11 years ago to have sex with another woman that he knew would break my heart and destroy the marriage?! THAT is what I struggle with.
I am not saying all WS's who cheat and keep it a secret for years will cheat again but I think that there is a higher chance of it. I think it is more work to get past an A that was kept secret for years. I do like to hear of thoe that make but I'm afrid the numbers aren't very high.
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
Thank goodness...although the bliss of complete trust was nice, they are forever gone and a stonger me knows that things can change in one look at an email or text message and I will never be that blindsided again.
H had an A when we were young and starting a family, then again as we were older and kids were grown...how can I ever know he won't do it again.
"it was so long ago - you should get over it."
No one we know, nor our kids and family, knows about the A's, so i have never heard this, but that IS the attitude a lot of people have...they haven't been there. A long time friend of mine and I were talking last weekend and she mentioned an old gf of her H from 35 years ago. Someone asked if it bothered talking about her H old gf and she said no...that was way before me. People think an old A is like an old pre-marriage gf. It IS NOT the same thing. Finding out about an A from 10 days ago or 10 years ago is a betrayal of the marriage/relationship. The difference is that a current A comes with the fog and raw feelings from the WS.
Yes, heard that one along with, "I've spent the last 14 years learning to live with what I've done, I have forgiven myself and God has forgiven me."
Oh, and then there is the infamous "I'm a different person in a different place in my life."
These all seem to be a common refrain from waywards when the betrayed spouse doesn't find out until years have passed.
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
"I've spent the last 14 years learning to live with what I've done, I have forgiven myself and God has forgiven me."
Man, I will never hear that one....my H learned to live with his A 20 years ago so well that he had another one in 2009!
I'm a different person in a different place in my life.
no....different place, same person....at least in my case. I'm the one who is a changed person.
Sorry for the negativity...H is trying to be better...I think he is truly trying to help us R in his own way...I am a month away from antiversary 5...struggling a little more every day.