SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
For Those Who Found Out Years Later
Wow! I didn't know this existed! I can relate so much to everyone's stories. Sometimes I feel so alone. I will share my story later, but thank you mods for adding this to ICR!
Edited- double post
[This message edited by survivinglies at 2:39 PM, May 7th (Friday)]
i am realing all the time...my h's cheating happened 20 years ago...i found 6 months ago at the hospital...he is battling cancer...i am a wreck...i only feel two things now...tremendous anxiety over his illness and extreme sadness over the cheating...nothing feels right...my whole life feels like a lie...
Hugs Midori. You have found people here who know exactly what you are feeling. We are here for you so please feel free to write more. It does help.
Your particular situation is very difficult as I assume your husband is in no position to talk with you much right now.
If it is any help to you, I too felt that my years with my husband after his affair were all a lie. It was one of the first things our MC told me was not so, and my husband has since reassured me that when he was with me, even during the affair, he was here. Once she was gone, for him, she was gone. Were there still lies beneath everything? Yes, but it does not mean that what you and your husband experienced all these years has been a lie.
I saw your first post on the 30th of April and I felt sadness as I thought you must be in great pain. I am glad that you posted again. You will find great people here in SI all genuinely concerned about you and ready to listen and offer insight and help along the way.
I too hovered for a while but once I got it out it just felt a whole lot better. I know I am too new to this but I just want to reach out to you and say that I am sorry that you are here but glad that you found SI.
I knew something was wrong for 13 years. FWH had a ONS while out of town when we were married just under 5 years. I asked, begged for the truth, and pretty much thought I was going crazy. I think what made it hardest was that we were each others firsts and onlies and "saved ourselves" for 3.5 years. How could he possibly have a ONS? I was so wrong!
When I finally had enough of the insanity when an soon-to-be PA/ early stages of flirting was discovered I was actually relieved to have the truth. I even had a polygraph just to make sure I had everything.
When FWH told his sister what was going on, she gave him some very good advice. She told him "Remember this is new to her. For her, it's like it just happened." She's not even a BS!
I think the hardest part is that every memory for 13 years is tainted. I feel like every smiling photograph is a lie. This is what we have struggled with most.
He wishes he would have told me sooner, but I think, back then, I would have just asked for a D.
Question for everyone - how has years of trickle-truth or knowing something just wasn't right affected you?
I wonder how much my anxiety/depression issues have been caused or worsened by this. My first bout with serious depression started about one year into my relationship with WH. It also dawned on me that is when my weight problems as an adult started. At the time, I figured it was stress from college and dealing with the loss of a family member. And WH seemed so supportive back then. I used to tease him about him cheating on me - I truly believed he wasn't that kind of person - but subconsciously I wonder how my brain processed his weird denials?
I wonder what other ways this has changed us over the years, before we actually knew about the As.
I think it is wise to explore how this might have affected you. The mind is amazing and I do believe there is knowledge of something hiding deep in there, and I think it makes sense that it can definitely have implications for health, well-being, etc. For me, there were no health issues, but I was always way more jealous, suspicious of normal work relationships than I should have been. I could never quite figure out why I had so many trust issues - thought it must have had to do with me and insecurities. Of course, I'll never know for sure what was lying in the recesses of my mind, but in my case it seems pretty clear the bomb was there just waiting to explode.
I KNOW the trickle truth made me feel like I was going crazy for years. I also had developed terrible self-esteem. After I got the truth, it was a relief to know I wasn't going crazy. I have also had an improvement in my self esteem through IC.
Instead, I exchanged these for severe depression and anxiety.
You ready for this? My wife had a ONS, got pregnant, then let me know she needed an abortion, got one letting me think it was my child, then came out with the truth 5 yrs later. Anyway, she always claimed she didn't know the OPs last name, but his first was kind of odd and she told me what he did and what part of the country he lived in. (They met in a bar of course). Fast forward 26 yrs. I am in a business that put me in contact with the guy and I am 90% sure it was him. I asked my WW if this was the guy and gave her his last name. Just thought it might be awkward to have to deal with him. You know what she did? She laughed in my face. How the hell was she supposed to know his last name? That was the whole conversation.
We'd been married for 34 years when I confronted WH with an email exchange he'd had with a 23-year-old former employee.
In the midst of confronting him I was hit by a flashback to a time 4 or 5 years into our marriage where he treated me the same way - demonized me, started arguements all of the time, etc.
During that time we were housesitting in the country for my retired aunt & uncle. We lived in a little mobile home in a park so having that time in a roomy house in the country was heaven. But he wasn't home much that summer - late nights "entertaining customers".
One day I went by our place to pick up a few things & realized our bed wasn't made up the way I did it. (Whew! Need a pause here, take a few deep breaths & to say this is the 1st time I've talked about this & can't begin to tell all of you how much it means to be able to open up about it to people who understand what I'm feeling now.)
Naive, trusting fool that I was I told him what I discovered & asked what was going on. He told me he'd given his boss the key to our place. How could I even think that of him? Why would I think he'd do to me what his boss was doing to his wife? Here he was working these awful hours to support our family & I come at him with a question like that? God, I bought the guilt hook, line & sinker. And, without a doubt, that's had an impact on me through the intervening years.
So I come to a screeching halt in the midst of my awful tirade about his current A & ask if he lied to me all those years ago. His answer? A simple "yes, but it was only once, maybe twice". (What is it with waywards anyway? If they only did the deed once or twice it's not so bad?!!)
That day sent me into a tailspin that's taken me a long time to recover from. Two different MC's were a bust, both bought my WH's public personna, not helped by my being a raving lunatic at the time. Thanks to an IC I discovered after giving up on MC, I'm emerging from the ashes.
I, too, have looked back on all those years as having lived a lie, but reading here tonight I have a different view. "I" didn't live a lie. "I" was there day in & day out through it all for my two wonderful adult children. I raised them with love, honesty & integrity. That's something my WH can't take from me. He took my love & betrayed my trust. "He" lived a lie.
Double-D-Day was 7 years ago this month. It's just been this past year that I've really come back into my own.
There's one thing left on my agenda for me to take care of. I've been staying "for now" to get back on a sound emotional footing. I feel the time has come for me to commit to staying or to decide to leave this sham of a marriage.
I asked my husband straight out, "have you ever cheated on me?"
More than once.
He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "No, I swear to you, I haven't. I could never do that to you."
Yeah, right. He was lying every single time.
My wife had a ONS, got pregnant, then let me know she needed an abortion, got one letting me think it was my child, then came out with the truth 5 yrs later.
inittotheend--that is so heart breaking and seems beyond cruel, I'm sorry.
I guess I should finally post here too.
28 July 09- caught WH in a sexting type EA via emails. He was deployed in Iraq at the time and after a talk w/ a neighbor (she was going thru a divorce) I asked for his password...and he handed it over. Something just clicked in my head to get his password...a few years before that I had found acouple flirty type emails to an old co-worker but, we worked thru that because they seemed harmless he never emailed her again.
anyway, so I had this gut feeling this time...and sure enough I go straight to the sent folder and I see tons of emails to another co-worker and this time it wasn't just flirty.
fast forward and after of hours of email converations and agreements, I agreed to stay until he came home.
arrived home 2nd week of august and on 19 august (after a week of him being home) I started a full blown interrogation...WH confessed to two PA back in 1997 and 2001 (both times I was in a different country)....the sexting EA was just that, I had all the emails and it clearly stated that they hadn't "done it" but, could have easily gone that way....
so after 14yrs of marriage I find out he had two PA years and years ago....1997 was while at school twice in one week (which got TT on that)
and then the killer was 2001....I had left the country (we were in the process of moving) and he had 1.5-2 mo. PA with my ex-friend/coworker....wtf? and then that bitch continued to be my friend and stood w/ me at his graduation...like we were just all
had to suffer thru months of TT on many details, half truths, revisions of story, etc....
I wish I would have known years ago, I wouldn't have cared so much back then (our marriage was very strained) but, I thought we had this unconditional bond (yea' right) i feel like a fool for believing in him so much....this was both our 2nd marriage and I thought he would never do me wrong.
if i would have known then...who knows what would have happened, i'm sure i would have just cheated back (nice huh?) but, we would have been in our 20's with no kids but, now we have 15yrs together and have two amazing kids.
I feel like so many choices were taken from...I would have done so many things different, if I would have known.
[This message edited by pain from truth at 8:28 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]
Hugs to you New Joy and congratulations for coming out on the other side. I can certainly imagine the devastation of your double D-Day. It is wonderful that you recognize that you did not live a lie and have the knowledge that you were there for your children and your husband.
I brought up the issue of the "lost years" at MC yesterday. My H just could not wrap his head around the idea that if we were both "present" all those years and he really was with me and never thinking of OP, why did I still wonder about what those years meant. I think he just does not want to have to realize that what he did could have caused this kind of damage. Anyway, MC did side with me and told him that of course I am questioning it all now because a fundamental belief I had was proven to be untrue. It is the beauty of MC that it provides an independent voice. My H heard her and now has to process that.
I wish you luck as you now try to sort through what to do with the rest of your life.
Thanks, Sad - I'm so glad your MC is not letting your H dodge the uncomfortable spots. Hang in there.
For me it was seven years ago and just about a month long. She was a co-worker who he said reminded him of me when were younger. Should I be flattered? I was out of town for a graduation and I remember talking to him on the phone and thinking somethings not right. When I got back home, I knew something wasn't right. I don't know if it was the way he acted, the house being spotless or what. I asked him then and have from time to time asked him again. I always was told NO. It got so bad I didn't trust myself or my instincts, of course he helped this along. He was always telling me I was dreaming up troulbe, too much time on my hands, even the tv shows I was eatching was putting ideas into my head. He almost had me convinced but there was that something in my gut. I think one of the worse that came out me believing him was that our youngest son was with him during this time. Our son told me that my WH had given him money to go with his friends. eat out, etc. This in itself was strange. Then one day he told me some woman called the house at midnight looking for WH. I believe she wanted me to be there so she could tll me about what was going on. One night as the three of us sat at the dinner table DS brought up this call. This happened about six yrs ago. My WH denied everything again but that instinct was there. I being stupid or still in love with WH told DS not to say such things and he wa just trying to pit us against each other so my WH said. I can't tell you the damage this did to my relationship with DS. He already had some issues and then for his mother not to believe him. I have to apologize to DS and then my whole family will know because he had already told them everything he knew. Our MC told me my WH has dealt with his guilt and shame all these years and not to punish him. He truly was afraid I was going to die. Some days I wish I had. I really don't think he has even told his IC all there is to tell. I read on a post that not make any decision at this point in time. I also feel like the past few years have all been lies. WH is saying no he still loves me. I wouldn't do what he did to my worst enemy much less the person I married.
God, I bought the guilt hook, line & sinker. And, without a doubt, that's had an impact on me through the intervening years.
New Joy, I can so relate! In fact, my IC said this is where I'm having the biggest problem recovering - I cannot believe how gullible I was, the wacky lies and stories I believed - for so many years.
I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things he's said over the last 20 years that have never felt quite right, and it's like that Plinko game on the Price is Right - so many memories have just bounced around in my head and they're all falling into place now. God, it is awful and painful.
We just had our wedding anniversary this week. He says he's happy to be married to me. But all I can think about is that had I known about all of his As before we were married, I doubt I'd have ever married him. I have no idea how to reconcile that in my head!
I am so relieved to find this thread. I thought I was the only one who's in this bizare situation. Briefly, here's where I'm at...
On January 22, 2010, I received a call at work from the OW--she informs me that she had a 7 year affair with my husband--she hadn't seen him in 3 years, but they've had continued phone and email contact. Apparently, he decided that he wanted to end it, but wasn't able to...for whatever reason. He began telling her outrageous lies...even bigger than the ones he told me. She lives 1000 miles away, and I guess she believed him.
The OW was a former friend of mine. She realized that he was lying when she found my facebook page, with a photo of my husband and together. So--she decided to tell me.
He claims that he allowed it to drag on because he was afraid she'd call me. Whatever.
Anyway, since then, he has happily maintained NC, and seemes quite relieved...which frankly is annoying since I'm reeling. I never thought this could happen to ME!
WH has allowed me to ask 100s of questions, and he anwswers to the best of his ability, but sometimes he doesn't remember... Logicially, I get that--sometimes my questions are about a minute detail from 10 years ago, but it is still frustrating.
Next week will be 6 months since "Black Friday" as we call it. I am doing 100 times better. This week, for the first time, I've felt a tiny bit of normal-ness. WH has done everything right--he's trying to make it up to me, and I'm trying to accept it. So hard. But--I'm just glad to know that I'm not crazy, and I'm not totally alone on this dark path.
Things have been going pretty good for my WH and myself for the most part. I dip occasionally but he is understanding and helps me through them.
My problem is that I don't have closure or NC with anyone in particular since most of my WH's encounters were ONS with women he didn't know (so he says) when out at the bar with his buddies. I was usually out of town although it did happen and then he came home to me.
I do know of one that he screwed her in my bed in 1996. She was an acquaintance that I played softball with a few years earlier. I thought we were acquaintances that could have been friends and the other was his massage therapist (20+ years in the business, professional, huh?) that he had an ongoing EA with although he doesn't call it that. He considered pursuing it and she was more than happy to. After a makeout session one night, she assured him no one (they have mutual friends) needed to know about their involvement. It was just between them.
So lately I have so wanted to contact them both and ask them why. Why did they choose to do this? I want to ask the acqaintance what I did for her to do this to me?
I just want to understand. I want to forgive them both; I have come to terms with the notion that I need to forgive to move on, but I need to understand why they did it too. Spouses can't cheat if people aren't willing to ignore the partner is married. Both of these women knew about me and about my children. I had my son in 1995.
My WH says I shouldn't hate them. It was his choice, his decision, his mistake, his broken self; but still....However, am I just bringing them back into our lives if I contact them? My WH swears he has not spoken to #1 since the night he dropped her off after screwing her and according to phone records that I had, he hasn't attempted to contact Ms. Unprofessional since Nov, 08 right before he had to tell me in Feb of 09.
Is my gut right, just stay away and deal? Otherwise, we really are doing well. I am happier (90% of the time) than I have been since we married. He talks to me like he has never before; he realizes this was the biggest cause of his straying. He was struggling with his inner self and he didn't come to me.
thanks to all, this site has been a saviour on many occasions.
just bringing them back into our lives if I contact them
I think if R is going good and NC is firm, then not contacting is probably the best option...don't bring them back into your lives. I know this is hard and I struggle with this (I did contact the ex-friend from 9yrs ago) and I have to fight w/ myself not to contact her or email anything else or hell even to fly out there and bloody her nose (oops, anger slip)
I keep telling myself, they are trash and karma will get them...My WH also says it was all him "broken self" and its true, I was married to him but, it doesn't take away our hurt and anger from those others.
I know I had to contact ex-friend, just so she knew her/their little secret is out now...I didn't want her to ever think that it was something special between them (WH never saw her again but, she has called a few times thru the years just to say hi)....I wanted to make sure she knew he finally confessed and I wasn't in the dark anymore...and mostly for her to finally know she didn't get my life.
[This message edited by pain from truth at 2:29 PM, July 19th (Monday)]