SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
For Those Who Found Out Years Later
just bringing them back into our lives if I contact them
I think if R is going good and NC is firm, then not contacting is probably the best option...don't bring them back into your lives. I know this is hard and I struggle with this (I did contact the ex-friend from 9yrs ago) and I have to fight w/ myself not to contact her or email anything else or hell even to fly out there and bloody her nose (oops, anger slip)
I keep telling myself, they are trash and karma will get them...My WH also says it was all him "broken self" and its true, I was married to him but, it doesn't take away our hurt and anger from those others.
I know I had to contact ex-friend, just so she knew her/their little secret is out now...I didn't want her to ever think that it was something special between them (WH never saw her again but, she has called a few times thru the years just to say hi)....I wanted to make sure she knew he finally confessed and I wasn't in the dark anymore...and mostly for her to finally know she didn't get my life.
[This message edited by pain from truth at 2:29 PM, July 19th (Monday)]
I am so thankful to have found this thread. The story's here are heartbreaking and I send warm hugs to everyone.
I found on on 5/19/09 that my FWH had an EA/PA/EA with a co-worker from 2005 to early 2006 when the sex ended and continued as an E/A until late 2007 or longer.
We had grown apart and in January 2009 set our sites on really working together to fix our distance. We grew close again at an amazing pace and were truly happy. I was the happiest I'd been in years. However, this nagging gut feeling wouldn't go away that he was different somehow. I had asked him several times if he had had an affair and vehemently he denied it. So I went digging, finally, and found all of the emails and texts describing in great detail the love and passion they claim to have shared. She was married also.
For the past 14 months I have been living with trickle truth. Even yesterday I was given or "found out" more information that he had lied to me about previously.
The funny thing is, he's back. He's remorseful and determined to make our marriage work. His reasons for lying...he's ashamed. He's never admitting to loving her, he said she was a crutch and someone that was an "easy target". A few nice said here and there got him the validation and attention he needed without much effort.
I have felt crazy for a very long time. And I'm at a point now where oddly enough, despite the hell I've been through we've fixed our marriage and have a great relationship.
With one exception. He continues to look me right in the eye and lie to me about the details of his affair.
IT's awful because I could get over the affair, but I'm beginning to truly believe I will never get over the trickle truth. It is the worst torture I've ever endured.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm at a loss. He has come to terms and put it in his past. He says it was fantasy bullshit and he regrets every moment and there isn't one thing from that time that brings him any joy whatsoever.
So it seems it's all on my shoulders to put it in my past also. That would be easy I suppose if I weren't living with the reminder.
Words cannot describe the loss I feel. The years I was robbed of , the memories. I've had to rewrite my life from the past five years.
I get so down sometimes that I can't imagine taking another breath. We have so many good days and times now but this is always here, in the pit of my stomach gnawing away at me and making me feel like I need to throw up.
I lost tremendous amounts of weight, threw up for months and months couldn't sleep and suffered from nightmares. I became a walking zombie. Living with the person responsible for all this pain has been difficult to say the least, despite his love and support.
I'm in shock at what I saw when I took off the rose colored glasses and when I realized the man of my dreams was so ordinary.
If you've made it this far, thank you for listening to me. I'm so sorry we are all here but very grateful I have found you.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm at a loss. He has come to terms and put it in his past.
Phoenix, that's exactly how I feel in my situation. Of course, we now have NC in place, but he hasn't seen these women in years anyway. (to my knowledge) The 180 is an excellent tool, but I should have been doing it years ago. He says he loves me, says he hasn't cheated on me in years, but something just doesn't feel right. I have no clue what to do either, it feels like my brain has been trickled-truthed into mush.
I'm in shock at what I saw when I took off the rose colored glasses and when I realized the man of my dreams was so ordinary.
Me too! I've been calling it my "Rude Awakening"
Pain from Truth - Are you glad you contacted the ex-friend? What did she say or do? There is one of my WH's OWs that became a "friend" after the A. She's the only one I feel like contacting, just to let her know that I know.
Pain From Truth - I hear what you are saying and felt the same way. Because my H and OW remained in very sporadic (once a year or so) email contact, he and I were able to craft a NC email to her that let her know I knew everything. I may have wanted to say more and deliver serious gut shots (snuck in a couple!) but it felt really good to let her know it was no longer "their" secret and that H was fully committed to me and our marriage.
Phoenix - hugs to you and I completely understand. Sometimes I think it might be easier to just let the memories of the past go and start all over. Sometimes I think that's what would happen if H and I divorced and I met someone new, so why not just start new with H? That, or course, is easier said than done.
You are certain he is still lying? My H withheld/actively lied to me about a few details - mainly because he did not want to cause me further pain or it was embarrassing. I begged for the truth and pointed out all that I had been able to handle already. I also had him read some things that pointed out that lying just postpones reconciliation. Perhaps you could share some articles like that with your H? I have to say that I still sometimes feel there are things he is lying about. From what I read and what MC said, that's normal. Stinks, though.
Are you glad you contacted the ex-friend? What did she say or do? There is one of my WH's OWs that became a "friend" after the A. She's the only one I feel like contacting, just to let her know that I know.
yes, I do wish I would have waited longer for the information to process thru my mind (I called within a week or two of dday). It was a quick conversation, she basically said zero. At first she was so glad to hear from me (when I stated who I was) haven't spoke to her in about 8yrs. I just said I know about your fbuddy (her words she called it w/ WH) and that WH told me and I did say something like do you want to talk to him (he was sitting w/ me...and she had the balls to say, if he wants to....I'm sure I called her a nice name or something and told her to forget ever knowing our family. she never admitted anything or said anything about it....one of those people if I don't acknowledge it, then it didn't happen. Atleast I know now and she & WH don't have their secret (it must have fully empowered her back then...what a joke)
Then a few weeks later, WH called her (i was there) just to tell her he loved me and they never had anything and he disprected me and that he has always loved me...all she said was, I don't appreciate you calling at my work.
what a bitch....I was thinking she would email or something and atleast appologize but, nothing...some people could careless, the attitude oh' well it was so long ago....ecck, makes my blood boil...she is trash, I always knew it and people like that will get theirs in the end. I wish I would have known years ago, I would have torn her up...now with kids and maturity, I guess jail time wouldn't be good...
she is a broken person who was sad and lonely
He says he loves me, says he hasn't cheated on me in years, but something just doesn't feel right. I have no clue what to do either, it feels like my brain has been trickled-truthed into mush.
this is what is fully blocking R, from myside....how do I really know it was the ones from years ago. He took a poly and had no problem wanting to take it but, he failed...he spiked on his own name. poly guy said he thought he was doing counter measures. I know that is not true, I could see the pain in my WH face I could feel his pain...he had no idea what counter measures are...
who knows, he really freaks me out...what if there has been more. We talk about this daily (I have tried every approach) and everyday he is willing to talk about it and still swears no other PAs....I keep saying I don't want my life built on lies, we did that for 14yrs....
maybe I will never know
any thoughts on that?????
he is 100% remorseful, in IC, SA groups, church group, talks openly, accountable, etc etc
so I know I should just live in the now but, its hard because our past was so clouded...I need to for my sanity and for our kids (the PAs were before the kids)
[This message edited by pain from truth at 2:30 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]
Recently found out that H had 2 PA's. First was 10 yrs ago and the woman lived in another state. He saw her twice over a 1yr period and communicated with her via chat/cell phone. 2nd PA was 7 years ago with a local woman.. this lasted 3months. He's indicated he hasn't had any contact with either of them since the A's ended. It's raw for me...and not knowing the exact timeframe of the A's is having me question everything that happened back during these timeframes. "Were you with HER when this event in our lives happened.."? I feel like everything we've done over the past 7 years has ALL been built on lies. Two PA's so long ago, but the pain is just like it's happened yesterday. Can't get the visuals out of my head.. and keep rethinking everything. We're in MC.
[This message edited by so-crushed at 7:59 PM, July 24th (Saturday)]
I understand completely and am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It did happen "yesterday" for you, and what you and I are experiencing is no different from what someone who finds out at the time of the A experiences.
I wish I could offer some words of wisdom regarding the feeling that the past years have been a lie, but I am right there with you and have not figured that one out yet.
Things are going better for me the last few days. I have decided not to contact them although I think I will write something to just get it off my chest.
I have also come to better terms with the past. I too was looking at pics wondering what was happening at any given moment instead of really looking at the pictures (and scrapbooks that I make) and seeing a happy family. Seeing that we were a unit and for the most part happy. He has always assured me he was and that he was broken and thought something was missing and each time he looked, he found each time the experience fell flat and he felt horrible. I think with most WS it's all that leads up to the cheating rather than the cheating.
I felt with had a solid marriage then and I believe that he loves me now and that he loved me then. I think that's what you have to decide. Did you love him then? Then the past isn't a lie for you. Do you think he loves/loved you? Then again, the past isn't a lie.
take care and good luck. Know that this is a struggle we all go through.
Thanks so much. Today I came across a note the 2nd OW sent my WH 7 yrs ago, attached to instructions for an i-pod. According to the note, the folks in her office all pulled together to buy my WH an I-Pod. Gosh, I feel so STUPID. I remember questioning the "gift" when it arrived so long ago... never thinking my WH was having a PA with this woman. She also sent my WH some "gifts" that she picked up while supposedly she and her husband visited the Pearl Harbor memorial. I remember questioning all of this and was just told that this woman was "a friend". How could I have been so STUPID?!
My WH has told me that the PA that occurred 7yrs ago opened his eyes as to what he was putting at risk (our marriage and family). I just don't know.
Just when I feel like we're making progress, something happens to open these wounds wide up again. I feel so much anger at both of these women...(and my WH).. the 2nd one in particular for all of these 'gifts'. Gosh, when does it get easier?
I have felt stupid, too, but I am going to tell you that we should not. It is not stupid to love and trust someone. For many of us, there was just no reason to have really challenged what was said or to have thought anything was amiss. Remember that people who are cheating are very good at deceiving and covering their tracks. So I understand feeling stupid, and it is legitimate to feel it, but it is not true.
Unfortunately, because the affairs happened so long ago, there will continue to be "new" discoveries and realizations. It just plain sucks when you suddenly recall something you were doing or something significant that happened during the time of the affair and are left to wonder what exactly was happening with your spouse at that moment. Actually, at times I think the not being certain as to what was going on either with you or with him is helpful - I am reaching a point where I can sometimes tell myself that I will never have the answer so maybe it is better to just let it go.
I understand the anger, too. At your H, at the other women. Unfortunately, new revelations or understandings tend to bring new anger. Hopefully your MC is helping with these issues.
This has been eating at me for months.
The only ones I know about are his one-time "ONS" (per him) and a 2 month PA with a MOW 19 years younger which resulted in a pregnancy and an abortion. Apparently this woke him up and we reunited 2 months after his leaving me.
It's been 4 years since then. I asked him a few times during these 4 years if these were the only times and he said they were. He even said that he had the ONS out of "curiosity" because he was never with anyone else before me, making me believe that this WAS his first time.
I keep thinking back over the prior 27 years and, either due to paranoia or my gut, wonder about several other times years ago when I should have acted on reg flags and didn't due to some reason or another--I was young with 4 little kids, scared, living in new places all of the time, in denial, etc.
Do I really need to open up this can of worms? This is eating at me.
If I decide I really need to dig deeper, how do I broach this? I anticipate the eye rolling, etc.
influx, should you decide to "go further," maybe mentioning that a polygraph test would REALLY put your mind at ease....
Sadly, I belong here, too.
I was awake all night and today I just feel like...
I feel your pain, anger, and confusion. I recently found out about my wh STA 7 years ago. I'm beginning to think 7 is a number I'll never think of as just a number. Seven years ago it happened and then he's lied for seven years.
I feel like I was robbed of so much. I didn't know I was in competition for my H. I didn't get the chance to decide what to do about it then. I didn't get the chance to find out who OW was. I didn't the chance to fix our M or the problems we had. I didn't get to trust myself becaquse I was always told it was my imagination. I was very active.
Now I get as chance to I know he cheated and he's sorry. I have the chance to know he chose me over her. I have the chance to feel stupid because I believed him over my own instincts. I get the chance towonder about everything and anything that has happened over the past 7 years. I now get the chance to decide what to do with the rest of my life. Decide if I will ever trust him again. I get the chance to do some serious self soul searching and figure out what I really want from him and our M. But mostly I now have the chance to dwell on a past that isn't what I thought it was and wonder that I'm not in the nut house.
(((Hugs to you all)))
this is so hard I have been with him since 1997, I was fifteen when we started living together. We got married april of 2004. At the time I was three months pregnant with our third child. He didn't even try to consomate the marraige. At the time it didn't make sence but I thought he was just tired. I had my DD on october 19th 2009. He had had an affair with my aunt. He says it started a month after the wedding, she had a different story and my time line is all screwed up. It went on for atleast three years wich it only ended because we moved two thousand miles away. He had to go back though right after the move and was seeing her then to. I can't realy get him to talk to me and I feel that I am still being lied to. I have caught him over the years hiding porn mags and closing internet sites as i enter the room. I don't think I can leave him and even though he sais he still loves me I feel that he does not. I think he will do it again and I feel like I am wasting the last of my youth with him. I am totaly lost and the pain is so unbearable it feels like the loss of a loved one! I feel my family(mom n sis) is tired of me venting to them and when I ask him questions or just try to talk with him about it he gets angry and clams up. The both of them are lying and now she won't speek to me, I have been trying to reach her to let her know that some where along the way he gave me an std and she needs to be tested. I don't know what's worse the std her being my aunt or that he paid her when I was at home and willing to do whatever he wanted. I also found out he was with AW last summer. I tracked her down she wouldn't talk either. I ended up punching her twice and slashing a hole in her tire. I do not know what to do I am going crazy and I don't recognize my self any more. I feel hopeless and alone!
Unfortunately I guess I should post here as well.
Made out with another guy that I introduced her to in passing on our "first" date.
Was screwing around with the guys she worked with, both single and married, both before and after we were married.
And I found out almost two years after the fact that she was and have been dealing with the lies ever since.
If not for the kids.....
Oh well, time to paste back on my smile and pretend its not all gone horribly wrong again somehow.
Well, I belong. I will not give details. Four years after my wife passed away, I found out I had lived a 37 1/2 year lie. I am now 75 and I really do not know how to deal with it. My doctor is going way out of his way to help me.
badcsm, I am so sorry you won't ever get that closure to this. I can only imagine the gut punch you must be feeling about your life together. Unfortunately you are the only one left to deal with the emotions. I will be thinking of you.
I also belong here. In a way, it's a good thing it's over and don't have to deal with a messy horrifying situation (again) but it's still the same issues/hurt/anger/ugliness. Sigh. I just found out last week but it happened 3 years ago.
[This message edited by punkdagain at 5:28 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)]
My husband had a two night affair (they did it twice) in 2004, I kind of found out he liked this woman in 2005 (he told me nothing had happened but that he did like her) and then with another woman (blowjob) in 2008. I found out about both in July 2010. There was no question of reconciliation... he doesn't want to leave and doesn't wnt me to either. We have lived for 2 years since the last time with me in the dark. We have had 2 children since the first time he cheated and one more since the last time he cheated. He says there will be no more cheating. I guess I believe him for now. But I wonder after reading several posts are cheaters mostly habitual. CAN they stop? My father cheted on my mom once and lived with the lady for a year, but to my knowledge and that of my mother's there was never another incident. Do you think cheaters are always habitual or can they stop? My husband says, he could no longer bear the burden. He says everyday he almost told me, wanted to tell me, but was afraid I would end our marriage and he didn't want to end our marriage. I was never replaced in his mind or his heart and what he did was stupid in 2004 and the blowjob lady was just presented and he did it. Where he works ALOT of the people are illegals (he says if they have papers the company can't do anything about it even if they're suspicious) and they will do anything to get to stay in America. He is a supervisor and he says it happens to all the bosses there. They all get propositioned. He says he wasn't in any relationship with either of them, but that they approached him and offered and he did it while thinking, "what am I doing?" the whole time. I feel stupid for just believing him, but what else can I do? We've been married for 14 years with 5 children and I am a stay at home momma. In everyone elses experiences how does this go away? I keep reminding myself it was 5 years ago, I can hardly remember 5 years ago... so for him it was a long time ago, but for me it happened in July because that's whn I found out about it. How is it different for you guys? 5 years ago doesn't diminish it for me, but both ladies are LONG gone, so there isn't OW and yet she is with me all day. She's with me when we make love, she's with me during my walk each day, she's with me when we kiss, she's with me when I touch him. He swears she was nothing. He swears he felt awful and cried in his truck several nights just agonizing over telling me, trying to push it away. How have you guys dealt with many years afterwards and how did it differ from woman/men who have been cheated on more recently or are being cheated on now... what do I expect? We have had awesome sex lately, but now a switch has flipped and I am becoming more and more angry... he is becoming more and more loving... what do I do?
(((badcsm)))My heart breaks for you. You have found the right place...there are other gentlemen with stories similar to yours...I just can't think of their names right now.
(((5kids))) I was surprised how much my reaction was exactly like those of folks who found out about more recent As - the anger, questions, weight loss. For you, it was like yesterday, not five years ago. You're reacting completely normally. (I don't know if that is a relief, it is all so awful)
I'm not sure if this is the right place for my question but here goes...
I found out two years after my FWH ended his last A. During my discovery of all the affairs, I learned that I was, in fact, an OW myself. My FWH was 4 months into a relationship when he met me. He didn't end that relationship until 5-6 months after we started dating. Hence, he was seeing us both at the same time (as well as other women). I found out from the discovery emails that he may have seen me one night, and her the next. We all lived far apart from each other so it was easy for him to hide his As. Neither his girlfriend nor I had any idea about each other. Nor did either of us know about his other As.
My only knowledge of her (his false story of course) was that he dated her a few times before he met me. Reason that ever came up is I attended a party with my FWH and someone asked if I was who she met at a party he attended a few weeks after we met. Other TTs occured over our engagment but I was always given the impression (until this year) that their relationship ended around the time ours began.
He broke things off with her in summer 2006. She left in tears. He continued to email her (but never saw her) for another year (until about a month before we married). During that time, he did mention he was in a new relationship when she asked to meet with him (by email) and he responded that it would not be a good idea. It was almost a year after we married (summer 2008)that he admitted to her (again in response to an email from her) that he was married. (He later said he didn't tell her before because he didn't want her to figure out that he was possibly seeing me while dating her. He didn't want to hurt HER feelings.) Their communcations became very rare by September 2007.
So my question: It's now 4 years after they broke up and contact is rare (once or twice since he told her he was married, she forwarded a mass email to him). Does she have a right to know about me? Or is this just setting up someone for being hurt when there is no more contact?
I am torn on this issue. On one hand, I want her to know that I didn't know I was an OW. It wasn't my fault. On the other hand, is it fair to bring up something from before when she has most likely moved on in her life and has no idea that she was cheated on? Should I be the only one to hurt and is telling her just being vindictive (THAT I don't want to do).
Anyone have thoughts on this?
[This message edited by strivn4peace at 4:59 PM, August 21st (Saturday)]