just bringing them back into our lives if I contact them
I think if R is going good and NC is firm, then not contacting is probably the best option...don't bring them back into your lives. I know this is hard and I struggle with this (I did contact the ex-friend from 9yrs ago) and I have to fight w/ myself not to contact her or email anything else or hell even to fly out there and bloody her nose (oops, anger slip)
I keep telling myself, they are trash and karma will get them...My WH also says it was all him "broken self" and its true, I was married to him but, it doesn't take away our hurt and anger from those others.
I know I had to contact ex-friend, just so she knew her/their little secret is out now...I didn't want her to ever think that it was something special between them (WH never saw her again but, she has called a few times thru the years just to say hi)....I wanted to make sure she knew he finally confessed and I wasn't in the dark anymore...and mostly for her to finally know she didn't get my life.
[This message edited by pain from truth at 2:29 PM, July 19th (Monday)]
I found on on 5/19/09 that my FWH had an EA/PA/EA with a co-worker from 2005 to early 2006 when the sex ended and continued as an E/A until late 2007 or longer.
We had grown apart and in January 2009 set our sites on really working together to fix our distance. We grew close again at an amazing pace and were truly happy. I was the happiest I'd been in years. However, this nagging gut feeling wouldn't go away that he was different somehow. I had asked him several times if he had had an affair and vehemently he denied it. So I went digging, finally, and found all of the emails and texts describing in great detail the love and passion they claim to have shared. She was married also.
For the past 14 months I have been living with trickle truth. Even yesterday I was given or "found out" more information that he had lied to me about previously.
The funny thing is, he's back. He's remorseful and determined to make our marriage work. His reasons for lying...he's ashamed. He's never admitting to loving her, he said she was a crutch and someone that was an "easy target". A few nice said here and there got him the validation and attention he needed without much effort.
I have felt crazy for a very long time. And I'm at a point now where oddly enough, despite the hell I've been through we've fixed our marriage and have a great relationship.
With one exception. He continues to look me right in the eye and lie to me about the details of his affair.
IT's awful because I could get over the affair, but I'm beginning to truly believe I will never get over the trickle truth. It is the worst torture I've ever endured.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm at a loss. He has come to terms and put it in his past. He says it was fantasy bullshit and he regrets every moment and there isn't one thing from that time that brings him any joy whatsoever.
So it seems it's all on my shoulders to put it in my past also. That would be easy I suppose if I weren't living with the reminder.
Words cannot describe the loss I feel. The years I was robbed of , the memories. I've had to rewrite my life from the past five years.
I get so down sometimes that I can't imagine taking another breath. We have so many good days and times now but this is always here, in the pit of my stomach gnawing away at me and making me feel like I need to throw up.
I lost tremendous amounts of weight, threw up for months and months couldn't sleep and suffered from nightmares. I became a walking zombie. Living with the person responsible for all this pain has been difficult to say the least, despite his love and support.
I'm in shock at what I saw when I took off the rose colored glasses and when I realized the man of my dreams was so ordinary.
If you've made it this far, thank you for listening to me. I'm so sorry we are all here but very grateful I have found you.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm at a loss. He has come to terms and put it in his past.
Phoenix, that's exactly how I feel in my situation. Of course, we now have NC in place, but he hasn't seen these women in years anyway. (to my knowledge) The 180 is an excellent tool, but I should have been doing it years ago. He says he loves me, says he hasn't cheated on me in years, but something just doesn't feel right. I have no clue what to do either, it feels like my brain has been trickled-truthed into mush.
I'm in shock at what I saw when I took off the rose colored glasses and when I realized the man of my dreams was so ordinary.
Me too! I've been calling it my "Rude Awakening"
Pain from Truth - Are you glad you contacted the ex-friend? What did she say or do? There is one of my WH's OWs that became a "friend" after the A. She's the only one I feel like contacting, just to let her know that I know.
Are you glad you contacted the ex-friend? What did she say or do? There is one of my WH's OWs that became a "friend" after the A. She's the only one I feel like contacting, just to let her know that I know.
yes, I do wish I would have waited longer for the information to process thru my mind (I called within a week or two of dday). It was a quick conversation, she basically said zero. At first she was so glad to hear from me (when I stated who I was) haven't spoke to her in about 8yrs. I just said I know about your fbuddy (her words she called it w/ WH) and that WH told me and I did say something like do you want to talk to him (he was sitting w/ me...and she had the balls to say, if he wants to....I'm sure I called her a nice name or something and told her to forget ever knowing our family. she never admitted anything or said anything about it....one of those people if I don't acknowledge it, then it didn't happen. Atleast I know now and she & WH don't have their secret (it must have fully empowered her back then...what a joke)
Then a few weeks later, WH called her (i was there) just to tell her he loved me and they never had anything and he disprected me and that he has always loved me...all she said was, I don't appreciate you calling at my work.
what a bitch....I was thinking she would email or something and atleast appologize but, nothing...some people could careless, the attitude oh' well it was so long ago....ecck, makes my blood boil...she is trash, I always knew it and people like that will get theirs in the end. I wish I would have known years ago, I would have torn her up...now with kids and maturity, I guess jail time wouldn't be good...
she is a broken person who was sad and lonely
He says he loves me, says he hasn't cheated on me in years, but something just doesn't feel right. I have no clue what to do either, it feels like my brain has been trickled-truthed into mush.
this is what is fully blocking R, from myside....how do I really know it was the ones from years ago. He took a poly and had no problem wanting to take it but, he failed...he spiked on his own name. poly guy said he thought he was doing counter measures. I know that is not true, I could see the pain in my WH face I could feel his pain...he had no idea what counter measures are...
who knows, he really freaks me out...what if there has been more. We talk about this daily (I have tried every approach) and everyday he is willing to talk about it and still swears no other PAs....I keep saying I don't want my life built on lies, we did that for 14yrs....
maybe I will never know
any thoughts on that?????
he is 100% remorseful, in IC, SA groups, church group, talks openly, accountable, etc etc
so I know I should just live in the now but, its hard because our past was so clouded...I need to for my sanity and for our kids (the PAs were before the kids)
[This message edited by pain from truth at 2:30 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by so-crushed at 7:59 PM, July 24th (Saturday)]
"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"
I understand completely and am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It did happen "yesterday" for you, and what you and I are experiencing is no different from what someone who finds out at the time of the A experiences.
I wish I could offer some words of wisdom regarding the feeling that the past years have been a lie, but I am right there with you and have not figured that one out yet.
I have also come to better terms with the past. I too was looking at pics wondering what was happening at any given moment instead of really looking at the pictures (and scrapbooks that I make) and seeing a happy family. Seeing that we were a unit and for the most part happy. He has always assured me he was and that he was broken and thought something was missing and each time he looked, he found each time the experience fell flat and he felt horrible. I think with most WS it's all that leads up to the cheating rather than the cheating.
I felt with had a solid marriage then and I believe that he loves me now and that he loved me then. I think that's what you have to decide. Did you love him then? Then the past isn't a lie for you. Do you think he loves/loved you? Then again, the past isn't a lie.
take care and good luck. Know that this is a struggle we all go through.
My WH has told me that the PA that occurred 7yrs ago opened his eyes as to what he was putting at risk (our marriage and family). I just don't know.
Just when I feel like we're making progress, something happens to open these wounds wide up again. I feel so much anger at both of these women...(and my WH).. the 2nd one in particular for all of these 'gifts'. Gosh, when does it get easier?
Unfortunately, because the affairs happened so long ago, there will continue to be "new" discoveries and realizations. It just plain sucks when you suddenly recall something you were doing or something significant that happened during the time of the affair and are left to wonder what exactly was happening with your spouse at that moment. Actually, at times I think the not being certain as to what was going on either with you or with him is helpful - I am reaching a point where I can sometimes tell myself that I will never have the answer so maybe it is better to just let it go.
I understand the anger, too. At your H, at the other women. Unfortunately, new revelations or understandings tend to bring new anger. Hopefully your MC is helping with these issues.
The only ones I know about are his one-time "ONS" (per him) and a 2 month PA with a MOW 19 years younger which resulted in a pregnancy and an abortion. Apparently this woke him up and we reunited 2 months after his leaving me.
It's been 4 years since then. I asked him a few times during these 4 years if these were the only times and he said they were. He even said that he had the ONS out of "curiosity" because he was never with anyone else before me, making me believe that this WAS his first time.
I keep thinking back over the prior 27 years and, either due to paranoia or my gut, wonder about several other times years ago when I should have acted on reg flags and didn't due to some reason or another--I was young with 4 little kids, scared, living in new places all of the time, in denial, etc.
Do I really need to open up this can of worms? This is eating at me.
If I decide I really need to dig deeper, how do I broach this? I anticipate the eye rolling, etc.
But, that's just me...
You just gotta BELIEVE
Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug...
I feel like I was robbed of so much. I didn't know I was in competition for my H. I didn't get the chance to decide what to do about it then. I didn't get the chance to find out who OW was. I didn't the chance to fix our M or the problems we had. I didn't get to trust myself becaquse I was always told it was my imagination. I was very active.
Now I get as chance to I know he cheated and he's sorry. I have the chance to know he chose me over her. I have the chance to feel stupid because I believed him over my own instincts. I get the chance towonder about everything and anything that has happened over the past 7 years. I now get the chance to decide what to do with the rest of my life. Decide if I will ever trust him again. I get the chance to do some serious self soul searching and figure out what I really want from him and our M. But mostly I now have the chance to dwell on a past that isn't what I thought it was and wonder that I'm not in the nut house.
(((Hugs to you all)))
Made out with another guy that I introduced her to in passing on our "first" date.
Was screwing around with the guys she worked with, both single and married, both before and after we were married.
And I found out almost two years after the fact that she was and have been dealing with the lies ever since.
If not for the kids.....
Oh well, time to paste back on my smile and pretend its not all gone horribly wrong again somehow.
I also belong here. In a way, it's a good thing it's over and don't have to deal with a messy horrifying situation (again) but it's still the same issues/hurt/anger/ugliness. Sigh. I just found out last week but it happened 3 years ago.
[This message edited by punkdagain at 5:28 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)]
not sure what I want anymore
(((5kids))) I was surprised how much my reaction was exactly like those of folks who found out about more recent As - the anger, questions, weight loss. For you, it was like yesterday, not five years ago. You're reacting completely normally. (I don't know if that is a relief, it is all so awful)