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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men Only.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off just a little something to get things off on the right foot....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Febr_t_qa9U


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Jesper,

I think most of us sometime have similar feelings of being emasculated.

I recently asked my FWW for a full list of the people that she knows knew about what was going on, and how much they knew, and a lis tof people she told after DDay and what she told them.

Part of it was so that i dont accidentally reveal more than i want to a friend of hers/ours that may not know all the details... but also partly because a few weeks back when i was updating my evidence sheet i realised that the Boyfriend of her Best Friend knew what was going on.... and Id only been introduced to him after DDay...

Now i know i shouldnt give a rats arse what he thinks of me, but ...

As for whether its more manly to stay and R or to leave and D.... neither, both a bloody hard roads to walk... whats manly is not what road you take but how you walk it.....

do you walk it being honest to yourself, your loved ones...with integrity, with care and love... can you look back and be proud of yourself..



Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When does the self confidence come back?


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Unthinkable_Pain
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Member # 27380
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for whether its more manly to stay and R or to leave and D.... neither, both a bloody hard roads to walk... whats manly is not what road you take but how you walk it.....

I said something to this effect to my WW. That both paths will be incredibly hard, but one rebuilds while the other destroys... so why choose the path to destruction? Of course no amount of reason seems to matter to her. :/


Me:BH 33 (30 when she started the A)
DDay:1/24/2010
A beautiful 4yr old daughter and I am DAMN PROUD TO SAY I HAVE CUSTODY :)
Divorced 11/22/2010

Posts: 373 | Registered: Jan 2010
Dadof2
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Member # 28023
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just some humor to brighten the day. Apologies in advance if any or all offend anyone.

10 Commandments of Man Law - The rules that every man needs to know. Because, honestly, there are some things you just don't do.

1. Thou Shall Not Covet Another Mans Wife.

Bad things will happen to you.

Even if you lie to yourself and think it's worth the guaranteed drama, it won't matter when he's beating you to a bloody pulp.

Even if she's tearing off her clothes and vaulting onto you like a cranked up Kerri Strugg - she's his bag of issues, not yours.

Even if you think he's a worthless walking pile of herpes - you still can't touch her. (She doesn't have them ALL the time...right? RIGHT?!)

The sentimental BS that's currently flowing through what used to be your brain is easily cured by a trip to the strip joint, nearest bathroom or a medium-sized bear trap.

2. Thou Shall Never Sell Out Thy friends.

It would seem like common sense. But for those who are embarking on the Bromance Barge for the first time, take heed. Nothing will get you banished from the annals of male camaraderie faster than telling on your buddy.

"Brian is cheating on you. With a girl. Every night, they're in bed. Having sex. A lot. Just thought you should know."

Why stop there? You may as well as hand her the soiled boner bag, give her a hug and take her shoe shopping. Because at this point, youíve not only ceased being his friend: youíve just surrendered your manhood and have officially become a bitch.

Exception Man Law 2

a: If Thou is unwillingly used an alibi by a cheater and confronted, thou is not obligated to lie to protect the cheater.


3. Thou Shall Provide an Alibi

A true man will always give his buddies a way out of stuff they don't want to deal with. Such emergencies include her cousin's wedding, her cat's funeral, her Dad's prostate exam, dinner with her parents, her pap smears, the opera and marathon viewings of "The Hills."

You need a DA - "Designated Alibist" - to save your ass from a fate worse than death.

You may want to select a quick-thinking person for this job, though, as she's not likely to believe your herpes have crabs and you've miraculously regrown your appendix.

Exception to Man Law 3:

a) Thou need not provide an alibi for a cheater, and if used in such an alibi, please refer to Rule 2 Exception.

b) If Thou doth provide an alibi, thou art also required, however, to beat the ever-living piss out of said cheater until some sense takes its place.

4. Thou Shall Not Get Involved.

Never butt in on a buddie's fight with his lady. There are three very good reasons for this law:

1. You will die.
2. You will die.
3. You will REALLY die.

He's a grown man - he can handle it. As tempting as it is to stand by your buddy and tell his woman exactly where she can put that 3-inch hot pink acrylic talon, it won't raise any brownie points with either of them.

You'll make him look (and feel) like a weenie and she'll resent you for even getting involved.

Just walk away and provide silent reinforcement.

He's got it...unless she's hitting him. At that point you leave the house, call the police and refer to rule #3 when the rest of the guys ask how he got those scars.

5. Thou Shall Not Inhibit Another Man's Game.

Picking up on "marked" women is on par with drinking the last beer in the fridge:

Don't touch it unless you call it. If no one responds in 5 seconds, it's yours.

Show some pride and self-preservation:

"I got her, her, her, them and the one who just passed out on the floor. The rest are yours!"

Stick with your selection and don't drink another man's, um, beer.

6. Thou Shall Not Hang Out With Another Man's Girl.

Yeah, is she yours? Exactly.

A rather anorexic exemption from this case is if his girl was actually YOUR friend before THEY hooked up. Otherwise, you may as well shove your head in the oven and bang the door repeatedly.

What, you couldn't watch the game from your house? Did you run out of food? Toilet not working? Need to borrow some eggs? More like you need to borrow some balls. Grey territory, buddy. Grey territory.

7. Thou Shall Not Leave Another Man Behind In Combat.

You ALWAYS have your buddy's back in a fight.

A good friend makes your bail. A best friend hands you the toilet paper. You don't leave your buddy alone in a fight or a caper of crime.

Now if your friend can whoop ass like Lesnar, by all means, sit back, shout pointers and make sure you have a beer or cigarette waiting for him when he emerges from the Octagon. Otherwise, you're in this together and dammit man, nothing - not bail money, girlfriends, shaved eyebrows or black eyes - will come between you.

8. Thou Shall Not Move Thy Girlfriend In.

Men need their space.

To scratch. To fart. To re-odorize the bathroom. To watch Monday night football uninterrupted. To have beer/pizza/"Entourage" night (or Halo night, depending on your guy). To play video games. To watch porn. To exchange mannisms.

In short: men need space to be men.

Unwelcome and Unacceptable: food men can't pronounce, lite beer and girlfriends demanding to know where the pots and pans are.

Unforgivable: a guy being forced to keep shampoo in their room because the entire collection of Bath & Body Works Sensual has taken over the bathroom.

Unbelievable: a guy being told to clean up their apartment because the lone resident XX has invited her mother over.

9. Thou Shall Not Date Friend's Exes.

You call it conserving resources. Your friend would consider it a plea for death: yours.

This would make for interesting bar talk:

"So we're going out of town this weekend to --"

"Tahoe. Yeah, I know. She has a cabin up there. Plumbing is shit, though, so ease up on the fiber."

Sharing may be caring, but this is one occasion where it's not only encouraged to "buy brand new" - it's required.

10. Thou Shall Not Borrow Money.

Not a red cent over $10. Unless, you know, you're weaving clothes from your hair and decorating your cardboard box with rat droppings.

Look, we all go through hard times and it's a good guy who helps out his fellow brother. But your friend isn't your 90-year old grandma and your birthday comes once a year - not once a week.

Your friend isn't an ATM, so stop pushing his buttons, hoping something green comes out.


A bad marriage is just like a bad investment, cut you losses and exit and don't look back because there's always a better investment opportunity lurking around the corner.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2010
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unthinkable Pain,

both paths will be incredibly hard, but one rebuilds while the other destroys... so why choose the path to destruction?

I guess it depends, The D path doesnt allways lead to destruction...it could lead to a new fullfilling life, yes you may need to tear down a few things along the way but at the end whats achieved might be a lot more..

Similarly the path of Trying R may well end destroying a guy...or worse his kids future happiness....

I dont think its appropriate to say one path is inherantly better than another.... just as one is not easier than another..


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
OnceInALifetime
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Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think its appropriate to say one path is inherantly better than another.... just as one is not easier than another..

Thanks, SourCherryDrops. As one who is choosing divorce from a WS that wants to stay married, and with whom I share small children, I can't hear words like yours often enough.

Over a dozen other men? No, I cannot, will NOT, try to reconcile. That would be the path to my destruction, and would damage our chilren terribly, and yes, in the long run, even damage her more.

I've fought a huge inner struggle to overcome guilt about this. I can't begin to describe how difficult and torturous this road has been. There is nothing easy about divorce. You don't just "walk away," not when there are children involved, not when the state will punish you forever financially for making this decision. It's hard as hell, legally, emotionally, everything.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When does the self confidence come back?

still waiting on that one...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
oftenwrong
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Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It comes back the day you decide to take control of your own life. Women for the most part are not attracted to non-confident men.

The day my SO left I:
- Became a vegetarian
- Run 4 miles every other day
- lost 25 pounds
- Threw out everything that remind me of her
- Began new friendships with new people. Became more outgoing.
- Became closer with my family. SO was like a wedge between us.

I was always a shy introvert. I chose to be something different and take control of my life as best I could. I used to need a woman to validate me. Never again will I let someone hold me hostage by my own emotions.

[This message edited by oftenwrong at 11:54 AM, April 29th (Thursday)]


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alex1,

You know, I don't feel emasculated by FWW. I feel sorry for her.

She did not choose these OM over me, she chose herself over me. Now she gets to live with what I suspect are some very vivid memories off most the times and things she did. I say most because she blacked out from alcohol and prescription drugs some of the times.

You have all the time you need to decide what is the right decision. The choice is not just R or divorce, there is also limbo, waiting and seeing.

Hell, I thought FWW and I were working on R, but she was still lying. I am just being for a while till I see what is what.

Good luck my friend, I know this has been a hard week for you.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:49 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Unthinkable_Pain
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Member # 27380
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unthinkable Pain,

both paths will be incredibly hard, but one rebuilds while the other destroys... so why choose the path to destruction?

I guess it depends, The D path doesnt allways lead to destruction...it could lead to a new fullfilling life, yes you may need to tear down a few things along the way but at the end whats achieved might be a lot more..

Similarly the path of Trying R may well end destroying a guy...or worse his kids future happiness....

I dont think its appropriate to say one path is inherantly better than another.... just as one is not easier than another..

Good point. I guess I've never thought of it that way. I guess everyone has unique circumstances to their own situations, but I do think my view of it is true for my situation though.


Me:BH 33 (30 when she started the A)
DDay:1/24/2010
A beautiful 4yr old daughter and I am DAMN PROUD TO SAY I HAVE CUSTODY :)
Divorced 11/22/2010

Posts: 373 | Registered: Jan 2010
TwoHearts
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Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the thing that bothers me the most is my WW does not seem to be very remorseful and has turned into an expert at not wanting to deal with the whole truth as well as projecting the reason for her cheating back onto me.

I am a little over three years past our first D-day and my gut is still telling me that she broke her N/C rules several times since then. Of course, I am wrong and she is not doing anything... and it is my fault that we canít move past what she wonít talk about or deal with.

I hate projection, where is the karma bus when you need it most?


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
Alex1
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Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strange. I just kissed my W good night. I look at her and see everything I could ever want in a woman and yet I feel like calling it quits. I don't know if I can get over the betrayal. But the wise thing is to wait a year, see how it all plays out.
Time.
Time.
Time.
Time.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
jasper
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Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really struggling with the separation thing. Our current living situation has my WW over every morning and evening. We see each other all the time. I am aloof but civil. She is friendly. She is looking hotter than usual lately (maybe because she's getting it regular from the OM, or maybe because she wants me to stay jealous). It's distracting me from 180. Sometimes it even makes me doubt my plans for D.

The thing is, I know R is impossible. She doesn't want it (well, she can't fully commit to it -- she wants to eat cake until she figures it out, and that to me = she doesn't want R at all). And even if she did, I know I will never trust her or be able to fully forgive her.

Starting to realize how much I will miss her, even though I know it is impossible for us to continue as a couple.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shyguy
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Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper, If she is not 100% for R then she is just cake eating. My xww was a cake eater


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
jasper
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Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shyguy, yeah we are bound for D for sure. We have already decided not to R. The more I see her though, the more I waffle.

I'm psyched that she is getting her apartment this weekend, and soon she will stop coming over every day. I'll be sad not to have my daughter here with me every night, but it will be better for me to not see my WW.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Finallyawake
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Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

Once she is gone it will get much easier. I lived with my XW until our D was final and it was brutal. Just plain brutal.

You may desire your W at times but try and figure out whether you really want her or whether some part of you just wants her to pick you instead of the OM.

If you really think about it why would you want someone who treats you so badly? Don't get me wrong. I know the feelings you are experiencing. It's just that when I got closer to D I started to stand up for me more and more. And I did not want her anymore.

The difficult part is the fact that you did not emotionally start the process of leaving the marriage until d-day. She started it a long time ago and has built up all sorts of justifications for her behavior. She has to so she can still view herself as a good person.

To come back to you would require her to admit she fucked up and caused a great deal of pain. Not many WS's make that trip. Especially if they are still involved with the OP.

So until she comes back to you begging for another chance and truly proving that she is trying to R you should just continue what you are doing.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's already said she fucked up and caused a lot of pain, but it was just lip service. She said what she thought she was supposed to say. Her actions spoke. She would not commit to NC or R. When I asked her to leave, she complained a little, but she left.

She's done a lot of crying about how sorry she is, what an asshole she is, how selfish she's been, but she has continued to pursue her A! And she has moved out! This is why I know I'll never be able to trust her, even if the situation changes and she begs to come back. She's putting on such a show now, but there is no real substance behind it. Just crocodile tears and showmanship.

Her behavior is contrary to the things she says. I'm still shocked by the fact that this is my wife of 10 years doing this to me. I'm pretty sure I never knew who she was.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
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Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW just told a mutual friend of ours she is extremely happy we are getting divorced. She tells her parents how devastated she is, and another friend on how depressed and thinking dark thoughts. Does anyone have a WW acting like mine (well of course someone does, I mean they are all sisters).
Meanwhile I took my son to the my future apartment and he is thrilled and loved his new room and the fact he can decorate it any way he wants.
WW is out again tonight with her girlfriends, oh and she is now carrying a box of condoms, OH now she wants to have safe sex, now that I am not doing her, before she was having unprotected sex.
I have no idea who this woman is, I mean she is off her rocker.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
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