Just some humor to brighten the day. Apologies in advance if any or all offend anyone.
10 Commandments of Man Law - The rules that every man needs to know. Because, honestly, there are some things you just don't do.
1. Thou Shall Not Covet Another Mans Wife.
Bad things will happen to you.
Even if you lie to yourself and think it's worth the guaranteed drama, it won't matter when he's beating you to a bloody pulp.
Even if she's tearing off her clothes and vaulting onto you like a cranked up Kerri Strugg - she's his bag of issues, not yours.
Even if you think he's a worthless walking pile of herpes - you still can't touch her. (She doesn't have them ALL the time...right? RIGHT?!)
The sentimental BS that's currently flowing through what used to be your brain is easily cured by a trip to the strip joint, nearest bathroom or a medium-sized bear trap.
2. Thou Shall Never Sell Out Thy friends.
It would seem like common sense. But for those who are embarking on the Bromance Barge for the first time, take heed. Nothing will get you banished from the annals of male camaraderie faster than telling on your buddy.
"Brian is cheating on you. With a girl. Every night, they're in bed. Having sex. A lot. Just thought you should know."
Why stop there? You may as well as hand her the soiled boner bag, give her a hug and take her shoe shopping. Because at this point, youíve not only ceased being his friend: youíve just surrendered your manhood and have officially become a bitch.
Exception Man Law 2
a: If Thou is unwillingly used an alibi by a cheater and confronted, thou is not obligated to lie to protect the cheater.
3. Thou Shall Provide an Alibi
A true man will always give his buddies a way out of stuff they don't want to deal with. Such emergencies include her cousin's wedding, her cat's funeral, her Dad's prostate exam, dinner with her parents, her pap smears, the opera and marathon viewings of "The Hills."
You need a DA - "Designated Alibist" - to save your ass from a fate worse than death.
You may want to select a quick-thinking person for this job, though, as she's not likely to believe your herpes have crabs and you've miraculously regrown your appendix.
Exception to Man Law 3:
a) Thou need not provide an alibi for a cheater, and if used in such an alibi, please refer to Rule 2 Exception.
b) If Thou doth provide an alibi, thou art also required, however, to beat the ever-living piss out of said cheater until some sense takes its place.
4. Thou Shall Not Get Involved.
Never butt in on a buddie's fight with his lady. There are three very good reasons for this law:
1. You will die.
2. You will die.
3. You will REALLY die.
He's a grown man - he can handle it. As tempting as it is to stand by your buddy and tell his woman exactly where she can put that 3-inch hot pink acrylic talon, it won't raise any brownie points with either of them.
You'll make him look (and feel) like a weenie and she'll resent you for even getting involved.
Just walk away and provide silent reinforcement.
He's got it...unless she's hitting him. At that point you leave the house, call the police and refer to rule #3 when the rest of the guys ask how he got those scars.
5. Thou Shall Not Inhibit Another Man's Game.
Picking up on "marked" women is on par with drinking the last beer in the fridge:
Don't touch it unless you call it. If no one responds in 5 seconds, it's yours.
Show some pride and self-preservation:
"I got her, her, her, them and the one who just passed out on the floor. The rest are yours!"
Stick with your selection and don't drink another man's, um, beer.
6. Thou Shall Not Hang Out With Another Man's Girl.
Yeah, is she yours? Exactly.
A rather anorexic exemption from this case is if his girl was actually YOUR friend before THEY hooked up. Otherwise, you may as well shove your head in the oven and bang the door repeatedly.
What, you couldn't watch the game from your house? Did you run out of food? Toilet not working? Need to borrow some eggs? More like you need to borrow some balls. Grey territory, buddy. Grey territory.
7. Thou Shall Not Leave Another Man Behind In Combat.
You ALWAYS have your buddy's back in a fight.
A good friend makes your bail. A best friend hands you the toilet paper. You don't leave your buddy alone in a fight or a caper of crime.
Now if your friend can whoop ass like Lesnar, by all means, sit back, shout pointers and make sure you have a beer or cigarette waiting for him when he emerges from the Octagon. Otherwise, you're in this together and dammit man, nothing - not bail money, girlfriends, shaved eyebrows or black eyes - will come between you.
8. Thou Shall Not Move Thy Girlfriend In.
Men need their space.
To scratch. To fart. To re-odorize the bathroom. To watch Monday night football uninterrupted. To have beer/pizza/"Entourage" night (or Halo night, depending on your guy). To play video games. To watch porn. To exchange mannisms.
In short: men need space to be men.
Unwelcome and Unacceptable: food men can't pronounce, lite beer and girlfriends demanding to know where the pots and pans are.
Unforgivable: a guy being forced to keep shampoo in their room because the entire collection of Bath & Body Works Sensual has taken over the bathroom.
Unbelievable: a guy being told to clean up their apartment because the lone resident XX has invited her mother over.
9. Thou Shall Not Date Friend's Exes.
You call it conserving resources. Your friend would consider it a plea for death: yours.
This would make for interesting bar talk:
"So we're going out of town this weekend to --"
"Tahoe. Yeah, I know. She has a cabin up there. Plumbing is shit, though, so ease up on the fiber."
Sharing may be caring, but this is one occasion where it's not only encouraged to "buy brand new" - it's required.
10. Thou Shall Not Borrow Money.
Not a red cent over $10. Unless, you know, you're weaving clothes from your hair and decorating your cardboard box with rat droppings.
Look, we all go through hard times and it's a good guy who helps out his fellow brother. But your friend isn't your 90-year old grandma and your birthday comes once a year - not once a week.
Your friend isn't an ATM, so stop pushing his buttons, hoping something green comes out.