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User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
jasper
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Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're men. We're resilient.
Yes! We are much stronger than we think.

Guys, this is true, and I like seeing it written. This helps me realize that I will come out of this mess in a much better place than my WW will.

I'm so encouraged by the success I see from guys on this board. And I'm starting to see changes in my own situation that encourage me.

And frankly, one of the biggest hurdles my WW and I have had is the fact that I am fascinated by, and embrace change and new experiences, and she is rooted in process and stability.

Unfortunately, we are both "right" in some sense, but are both too extreme to benefit from one another. All I know is, I'm already figuring out how to get over this mess. I'm sure it will take a shitload of time, but I'll be past it in a year or so. And I can work on making myself better between now and then.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper, you raised an interesting question... are BS types attracted to WS types?

Bassed on the annecdotal evidence you mentioned it certainly seems like there may well be at least some sort of corelation.

Ive spent some time thinking about this in another way and what i think is that in just about everyone there is the capacity to be a WS ... I appreciate that this may not be a very popular idea but ill put it out there anyway.

What i mean is that everyone has a breaking point... after which they are susceptible or almost pre-destined to commit infidelity when the opportunity arises.

I know that most BS's here on SI would resolutly say that there is no way that they could commit infidelity... that its just not in them... but then i look across the field at the otherside... ask the WS's which of them thought that they would never do something like that... and the majority will put their hands up... ask their Spouses who agrees and again its the majority...

So we have a large number of WS's that firmly believed that they would never commit infidelity... but yet they did. What makes us BS's that claim the same thing so sure...

So what i reason is that each of us has some level of tolerance for a poor M... if its exceeded then infidelity is a possibility.

Sure we all say that if the M is that bad then what you should do is end the M first... but i wonder is this actually a realistic expectation... I really cant recal meeting a single D'd person where infidelity hasnt played a role in the D. Maybe there are exceptions... but are they just the exception to the rule?

So If we accept that we all are susceptible to infidelity, and that we all have different breaking points... why is it that we see some BS's with a history of WS's... i think its because their breaking point is very high... and theyve just allways had Spouses with a lower breaking point.

So if you have a high breaking point then a lot of the people you meet will have a lower one.... the trick then is to try and identify where you think the new persons breaking point is... whats their history... look at their family... the next is to ensure that the Relationship doesnt degrade in the first place... do you actually compliment each other, are their shared interests, goals, life philosophies, do you speak the same love language.... basically if you were in a R are there enough good positive feedback loops...

Meh... ok feel free to rip what ive said to shreds...


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only quibble I'd have with what you've posted, SCD, is that I think you're putting too much weight on the concept of a poor marriage.

I've been a WS. I cheated on and left my first wife in my very early 20's. If you'd have asked me then why I was doing it, I'd have said it was because she stopped having sex with me, was emotionally unavailable, and we'd "grown apart" (and, really, how far apart can you grow in two years? )

The fact is that I knew even at the time, though I refused to face it, that the real reasons had more to do with the fact that we had an infant son I wasn't ready for, I had a dead-end job I hated, I felt like the entire trajectory of my life had gone off the rails and I simply didn't want the responsibility I'd saddled myself with.

Rather than fix me or fix my situation, it was easier to distract myself with fantasies of another life, of starting all over again.

The failure was in me, in my coping mechanisms. Everything my ex and I were going through was normal early-marriage and baby stuff.

I honestly believe that most of the "poor marriage" argument is really just normal ebb and flow of any relationship, and people just find themselves at points in their lives where dealing with the ebb is more difficult because of non-marital circumstances (bad jobs, other stresses, unfulfilled personal goals -- the key word here being "unfulfilled".)

I think the biggest factor in most infidelity is an inner feeling of being unfulfilled, and rather than doing the work to be fulfilled, to dream new dreams or achieve the old ones, the notion of falling in love with someone feels like a quick and easy fix -- a distraction -- from disappointments with one's own life (i.e., if I can't accomplish anything else worthwhile in my life, at least I can look back and say I had a "great love story" that made made life worthwhile).

The state of the marriage gets blamed almost in retrospect as part of the self-justification process.

I know for myself, throughout my second marriage since I've been down the WS path once, when I've been unhappy with my life's trajectory, my career or my goal-achievement, that's when I've had to be the most mindful of not losing my focus and looking for the slippery slope again.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 6:35 AM, May 17th (Monday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
SourCherryDrops
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Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL,

Your probably right, being un-fulfilled, or not satisfied with where your life is is probably more likely the root trigger...

one may lead to the other, and vice versa...

Perhapes the coping strategies chosen is what seperates those that become WS's from those that dont...

or perhapes.. rather because i dont believe that many WS's choose to go out in advance and have A's ... its the inabbility to act, to rectify or address the dissatisfaction that allows it to continue untill eventually the opportunity for infidelity is presented.



Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
awakening1
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Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thoughtful stuff here.

in just about everyone there is the capacity to be a WS

Don't want to believe it ... want to feel morally superior ... but probably have to agree. The righteousness and unforgiveness can make us feel better in the short term, but they distance us from the shared humanity that makes deeper connections, whether with our current spouse or in a new relationship, possible.

I know that most BS's here on SI would resolutly say that there is no way that they could commit infidelity... that its just not in them... but then i look across the field at the otherside... ask the WS's which of them thought that they would never do something like that... and the majority will put their hands up... ask their Spouses who agrees and again its the majority...

So we have a large number of WS's that firmly believed that they would never commit infidelity... but yet they did. What makes us BS's that claim the same thing so sure...

Interesting point. WAL chimed in with his personal experience. I recall walking through a similar discussion with my IC. I was focused on how I couldn't see myself doing what WW and St. MF did, but he paused and cautioned me otherwise. He recalled our earlier discussion when I was about to go out with someone from my divorce support group earlier, and my eagerness prior to that date. The chemistry didn't prove to be there that night, but my desire for a revenge affair was strong. Granted, a revenge affair is not the same as the initial affair, but if the circumstances were different earlier ...

So what i reason is that each of us has some level of tolerance for a poor M... if its exceeded then infidelity is a possibility.

I agree that having different "breaking points" is part of what can lead to different propensities to cheat. Still, I often come back to "But for the grace of God go I ..." type reasoning if I think hard enough about the circumstances of WS. We all have some threshhold.

I honestly believe that most of the "poor marriage" argument is really just normal ebb and flow of any relationship, and people just find themselves at points in their lives where dealing with the ebb is more difficult because of non-marital circumstances (bad jobs, other stresses, unfulfilled personal goals -- the key word here being "unfulfilled".)

I think the biggest factor in most infidelity is an inner feeling of being unfulfilled, and rather than doing the work to be fulfilled, to dream new dreams or achieve the old ones, the notion of falling in love with someone feels like a quick and easy fix -- a distraction -- from disappointments with one's own life (i.e., if I can't accomplish anything else worthwhile in my life, at least I can look back and say I had a "great love story" that made made life worthwhile).

The state of the marriage gets blamed almost in retrospect as part of the self-justification process.

I agree that the "poor marriage" description is often a scapegoat for the real, underlying reason. Often, that scapegoat can be arrived at without any ill-intent; this stuff is difficult to feel and understand. We all play several different roles in our lives at any given time -- Father, Husband, Lover, Son, Coach, Boss, Employee, Scholar, Writer, Musician, etc. It is rare when all are clicking along well -- usually some are good while others are bad. Ideally, we keep our shit together and behave responsibly and mindfully instead of acting out in a self-destructive manner. It doesn't always work that way though.



Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Finallyawake
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Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to go with you on this one WAL. The unfulfilled part of us is always there. Some people look to fill that empty part of themselves with a variety of things. Shopping, drugs, alcohol, affairs. Maybe we all have our own threshold for this type of thing.

But I still wonder. I have thought about this quite a bit during the year after my D. How is it that some of us choose to cheat and others don't? How did we get hooked up with a wayward type? When you are in your early 20's you really don't know all that much about life even if you tell yourself you do. When you are 40 or beyond you have lived long enough to arrive at some conclusions about who you are. I like to think this is the bedrock that we draw upon in tough times.

Still, I wonder about the base foundation that makes us who we are. Jasper, you said something in earlier posts about being hard on yourself and others. When you fuck up you really take it to heart. I cannot help but wonder about this trait and how it fits into looking for and marrying a mate. I am very hard on myself. I expect a lot and that is what I have lived with my whole life. It is me. So when I was faced with trouble in my marriage I looked inward to examine my role in the issues. There is a part of me cannot help but wonder if these very traits are what attracted my XW to me. She cannot look inward. She was looking for someone who was self reliant, capable, and willing to work hard. Because at some root level she knew she was broken. That when the going got tough she would bail. So she wanted someone who could carry the load that she couldn't.

I know, I know. This gets into stuff that is almost too far reaching to contemplate. That we attracted people that were predisposed to cheat. Not that they thought it was a good thing. Just that when it comes to step up and take ownership they fall short. They look to external events for the sad feelings they have about their current situation. They don't look inside.

This really simplifies a lot of the dynamic in a M. I just wonder sometimes about the signals we send out when we attract a mate. Does our competence and skill send up a red flag for all people who are fundamentally broken? People who can hold it together most of the time but are fighting a losing battle to their core dysfunction.? I don't know.

But I do know that I can look at myself and see how I might be better as a man. There are many things that I wish I could do better. But at the same time I know that I am far more stable than my dopey XW who continues to make one stupid decision after another. Her whole being is focused on one short term act after another to make herself feel better. Does she have good traits? Sure. She is a hard working, personable, intelligent woman. But she is forever looking at what she is missing instead of what she has.

You can't fix that no matter how hard you try. She has to fix it. In your twenties I think we all feel that way. But when you are older you should know better and that is the last remanent of my anger towards my XW.

That is my issue and I will continue to address it. She is who she is.

Sorry for rambling a bit here. I have been ruminating on this topic a bit more lately because of the the posts on this forum.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting convo guys.

Thinking on this. How many here were told by women that we were *the kind of guy you married. not the kind of guy you just have fun with* ?

I read once that women select mates based on criteria that include stability and *potential good father* and even income earning potential. And that the *bad boys* they want to date for fun dont have these qualities. So they marry us but they cheat on us with the *bad boys*.

Just thinking.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
SourCherryDrops
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Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

This is point in a blokes bulshit session where i get to stand up and blow my own trumpet...

but i leave it said that there were several years of my life right up until i met my FWW where i was the 'bad boy' the one girlfriends warned their friends about (which incidentally is the best advertising you can get.. but i diverge)

But around the time i meet my wife i was also tiring of that ... and meeting her sealed the deal, Once i decided to commit to her i basically stopped my earlier behaviours there and then....


One thing that will allways baffle me with women is why they are so drawn to the bad-boys... to abuse an oxymoron its womens logic.

Its ok when your young but ...really at some point youd think they were older and wiser... still when you already have your 'nice guy' sitting at home then it probably makes that 'bad boy' all the more tempting... sad thing is that the bad boy is probably just someoneelses nice boy getting out for the night.

at our ages there really aint a lot of real 'bad boys' left... most of em are all growed up... like me.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
CluelessGuy
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Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say thanks for the posts here. Very helpful. Nice to know that you're not the only one.


BH - early 40s
XWW - early 40s
Two kids

D-Day - Easter 2010
D-Day 2 - July 18, 2010

Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2010
lostcause111
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel often we as guys who really value the M and our wives and our children come off as pussies. Even now how the fuck is talk 528 suppose to fix anything.

Wal you got lucky. You wife changed the core that allowed her to cheat. he also was a prick at times and not letting her off the hook like everything was fine.

The thing I ask myself now 2+ years out is why shouldnt I just be a prick? Why not be the fun bad boy and treat her as she wants to be treated?

It is weird to me. To me affairs stem from self esteem. When i look at Wal's wife she worked on this. Got nursing degree. Three years at shrink. Wanted herself to feel better from within. She didnt wait for wall to drop off flowers wasnt going to happen. I am VERY proud of her because that path is hard ... confronting yourself.

Often us guys ALLOW the way it goes. The dynamic in my shitty marriage "works" for my W at some level. You fix overcome their flaws for them and thus they stay the mentality of a 5 yo like my wife.

In the end I think you are better off being a bull than a cuddly teddy bear. Nobody respects a teddy bear ...


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, CluelessGuy! Glad you found us way down here.

I think I was on SI for like 9 or 10 months before I even noticed the I Can Relate forum, let alone a whole thread for dudes only.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
awakening1
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Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot help but wonder about this trait and how it fits into looking for and marrying a mate. I am very hard on myself. I expect a lot and that is what I have lived with my whole life. It is me. So when I was faced with trouble in my marriage I looked inward to examine my role in the issues. There is a part of me cannot help but wonder if these very traits are what attracted my XW to me. She cannot look inward. She was looking for someone who was self reliant, capable, and willing to work hard. Because at some root level she knew she was broken. That when the going got tough she would bail. So she wanted someone who could carry the load that she couldn't.

Bingo. The mother of a woman I dated in law school (and tried damn hard to pull away from the guy who ultimately became her husband) said something about there needing to be a yin and a yang in each longstanding relationship. Lasting couples had ways to complement each other - where one was weak, another was strong.

I think this can work early on in a relationship, but not always later on as each party grows at potentially a different rate. For us, my WW has always had issues with anxiety. Early in our relationship, she called me her rock. Within the last few years, I haven't been much of a rock - I had some serious work dysfunction and stress. Instead of her helping me through it, she judged me for handling it differently than she would have done. At the same time, she was working with this air traffic controller client, St. MF, who has been trained not to react to highly emotionally charged situations. During my stress, and in part, because I tired of handling her unneccessary emotion over little things, he proved to be a better rock. She has been the flawed little girl looking for a hero. Funny though, that St. MF wasn't such a great rock when he finally clued in to how badly he was fucking up his relationship with his teenage daughters by pursuing this affair.

Often us guys ALLOW the way it goes. The dynamic in my shitty marriage "works" for my W at some level. You fix overcome their flaws for them and thus they stay the mentality of a 5 yo like my wife.

Along the same lines, Fisher goes into over-responsible and under-responsible pairings as one of the unhealthy groupings that can lead to dissolution. My wife said early on that she recognized me as someone who would make a great husband, just not her husband. Despite having that feeling early on, she pressed on. She wanted a ring for Christmas, then her birthday 6 days later, and I saw her disappointment on both events. At 30, I hadn't thought through what I wanted enough to resist. I finished law school, and it seemed about time to settle down. Not the best way to choose a mate, by any means.

How many here were told by women that we were *the kind of guy you married. not the kind of guy you just have fun with*?

See the above husband quote. What's crazy is that, due to her control and anxiety issues, she has limited me - or maybe better put, I let her limit me - from being the kind of lover and fun-loving person I have been with other women. If she could simply let go of her deep control issues and adapt, she would see how much more of me she has been missing. Better yet though, maybe I need to ignore her controlling behavior and push through for both of our interests. Easier said than done, however.

In the end I think you are better off being a bull than a cuddly teddy bear. Nobody respects a teddy bear.

This fits with what I just outlined above, but we don't do ourselves any good faking the bull when we feel like a bear, or vice versa. Not to mention the difficulty in trying to figure out what she is looking for at any given time, and then timing your response accordingly.

[W]hen it comes to step up and take ownership they fall short. They look to external events for the sad feelings they have about their current situation. They don't look inside.

Yep.

I just wonder sometimes about the signals we send out when we attract a mate. Does our competence and skill send up a red flag for all people who are fundamentally broken? People who can hold it together most of the time but are fighting a losing battle to their core dysfunction?

Yep, and it fits with the whole childhood romantic Prince Charming sweeping the Princess off her feet to Happily Ever After Land. It's childhood bullshit, but it's deeply ingrained in traditional views of men and women, even for my ultraliberal/feminist WW and her family.

[S]he is forever looking at what she is missing instead of what she has.

Indeed. This craving for attachment to a person, material thing, or a desired result, is a ticket to more suffering. The Buddhist term is sunyata - nothing possesses essential, enduring identity because of such things as the impermanent nature of the form of all things. There is emptiness in everything, so don't get fooled into thinking the next anything is what you need to be happy. Happiness instead has to come from within.

You can't fix that no matter how hard you try. She has to fix it. In your twenties I think we all feel that way. But when you are older you should know better and that is the last remanent of my anger towards my XW.

That is my issue and I will continue to address it. She is who she is.

Exactly. And our WW will do it with or without us, and we will be strong either way.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Lonerider
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Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a deep post, awakening.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
lostcause111
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 18th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post awakening. You are on target.

One thing that has been really hard for me is taking it to the next level.

That is really where you embrace that you are trying to make lemonade out of lemons and to do exactly what you want to do to that ends and in a way not carring at all about their reaction to it.

Example is starting to work out or getting a hobby or hanging with friends you lost touch with or going to therapy. These are things for you that grow you into a potentially better person thus a better meber of the team. This will make many women ala my wife freak out as you begin to take your balls out of their purse.

You really have to believe in you and what you are doing and ignore the shit tests and buttons that worked so well and for so long.

For many of us we over worry what they think (co-dependant) and stop believing in ourselves.

Often I think the BS is not all that fucked up till d-day. We developed coping mechanisms to deal with a partner who did not make sense. Once ou realize hey I am alright ... shit I even like me and believe in myself as a man it is my job to lead NOT fix.

My biggest regrest is I allowed buttons to be installed that could control me. That is what I own in all of this and that is it.

In the end this gets scary. They can come along for the ride as you get to a better place or they fall to wayside as you become the man you always were buried beneath a pile of shit.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Finallyawake
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Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All,

Heard about this on the radio and thought of all you BM out there.

www.myexwifesweddingdress.com

Just go read it. Start with the story. Then laugh.

FA


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finallyawake, thanks for sharing this. It's hilarious.

Guys, I've been in SI withdrawal for the last day or so. I suddenly stopped having access. From the looks of it, so did most of us. So glad to have access again!


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
awakening1
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Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We developed coping mechanisms to deal with a partner who did not make sense. Once ou realize hey I am alright ... shit I even like me and believe in myself as a man it is my job to lead NOT fix.

My biggest regrest is I allowed buttons to be installed that could control me. That is what I own in all of this and that is it.

Well said. I have said as much about leading to my mother and friends. I get, and believe in, the theory; it's just the implementation that gets difficult at times.

Off to do some speed work on the Mall. Need to stick to the goal of qualifying for Boston this fall.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Mighty
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Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

access to this site has been crap... but here's some thoughts I had a couple days ago..
I believe in these thresholds. I’ve been tempted to ask my wife this question to show her how she tells me what she thinks I want to hear instead of what she believes: “Are affairs allowed in our marriage?” Of coarse she’ll say no.. Then I’ll point out that she did have affairs, so at some point (threshold), when the circumstances are right, she does in fact believe they are ok. This would be my example to her how she really isn’t doing any deep self-reflection and instead just spouting off what everyone knows is the right answer. Everyone has this threshold in my opinion.

I too don’t like the poor marriages thing. I believe bad marriages just make better excuses. Also, with a certain percentage, I do strongly believe that it is quite likely the marriage is bad prior to the affair because one or both of you are already trying to make monsters so you can feel justified in having external relationships that you know cross healthy boundaries. You are essentially actively trying to manipulate your spouse so you can reach your threshold in yourself where suddenly it would be ok to act on those feelings you are already thinking about. I believe this is probably somewhat common if the spouse already has someone they’ve been becoming closer too than what would be considered a healthy boundary.

My wife did this, and I was stupid enough to fall into her web. The basic facts are that she was attracted to a few different men and was flirty with them. Affairs crossed her mind. She was facing her mid-life crisis and did not really like who she was becoming. So, she pretty much set about making my life miserable by finding every fault, every chink in the armor, and abusing it. I reacted pretty much like anyone else would; I got angry, bitter, and distanced myself. She was making a monster that made it ok. So when I was “non-supportive, icy, and not there for her”, she felt it was ok to let this OM step in to “being there for her”. She pretty much insured our marriage would get beyond the thresholds she needed to feel justified for her own ethical and moral dilemma. She knew it was wrong, so she manipulated the marriage to make it ok simply so she could face herself in the mirror.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
jsngold
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Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point in this conversation, a lot of guys talked about how they enabled their weak wives: the husbands emotionally took care of their wives.

The consensus was that this sort of enabling turned the husbands into "nice guys" who got dumped when the "bad boy" came along.

So here is my dilemma:

My wife is going to individual counseling to deal with her history of childhood sex abuse. It is causing her to be an emotional basketcase. She is talking about suicide.

Part of me wants to be there for her, listen to her, prop her up emotionally, enable her, be the nice guy, etc.

However, she still shows no remorse for her EA.

Question: Do I "be there for her" or do I do the 180?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
SourCherryDrops
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Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold, I dont know that any of us here could realistically answer that question for you without projecting a lot of our own situation onto yours... In which case even if we could come to a consensus it may well be completely the wrong choice for you.

But since you do ask ill offer my opinion take it for what it is...

I think that there has to be some balance, it is unrealistic for one partner to provide all the support especially when both are dealing with deep emotional hurts. This means that yes you should be there to support her and no you shouldnt give her the hard 180... but it also means that she has to give you support too when you need it.

Perhapes you could talk to her IC one time, let her know about the EA incase she hasnt told her, let her know that you are struggling to deal with it on your own, that she is showing little or no remorse and that this is putting your continued support and the stability of her home environment at risk.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

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