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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, Shocked. My WW is a big time victim, so she tells everyone how horrible our situation is. All I know is, though, none of her friends (who I have known for 15+ years) have reached out to me at all. So who knows what she is telling them about how we got here.

All I do know is, especially with parents, she's not going to tell the people she is relying on for support what a skank she is. Her mom knows what happened and hates her right now (although she has hated her for a few years anyway - separate story).

Just got off the phone with OMBW. We are in totally different places. She still wants him back, but I don't ever want WW back. Still, our mutual desire is that they end up apart, and damaged, and ruined, and realizing the hurt they've caused us.

I guess I just made this about me, and not responding to you anymore. But when I read your post I thought, "here is another WW who knows she is doing the wrong thing, but rationalizing it with people she thinks will give her sympathy."

No words of advice, just want to express that I am in the same shit situation you are.

[This message edited by jasper at 9:48 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The unprotected sex thing is so crazed. My STBXW cheated with strangers on the internet; you know, the sex boards. She was one of the few women there who was actually real.

She felt that all these guys were disease-free just because they said they were, being the upright men of high character that they are.

I am *so* fortunate not to have contracted anything.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL, terrifying! I haven't been tested at all. I know I should be, but there are so many other appointments I need to make.

I don't have any evidence of infidelity beyond the current situation, and the 3 incidents I know about. But I guess I need to be thinking about it.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with understanding some fo the risks that FWW took when she was 'crazy'.

Unprotected sex with men who are clearly repeat online cheaters...

Meeting men from the internet for the first time in quiet locations...

heck meeting men from the internet that know your married and cheating on your husband...

of the 3 the unprotected sex one scares me the most.... my FWW is still young but after our 3rd child she had a tubal ligation (sterilisation) I cannot help thinking that if she wasnt then the chance of an OC would have been high .... She would have had a lot of trouble going and staying on the pill while living with me...and she has a strong aversion to condoms...


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is IMPOSIBLE to think as my WW does or how she projects as I think nothing alike.

I understand how she thinks:

Whim of the moment and then anything to relive the guilt through projection or attacking in various forms.

I call it selfish guilt relief.

That is as far as I go anymore in understanding her. She will do bad stuff, project her shame on me. Wash risnse repeat.

I cam up with this simple theory as now I dont have to waste one more wated momment of time figuring her out.

I take that time and figure myslef out ... the only thing I can control.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's already said she fucked up and caused a lot of pain, but it was just lip service. She said what she thought she was supposed to say. Her actions spoke. She would not commit to NC or R. When I asked her to leave, she complained a little, but she left.
She's done a lot of crying about how sorry she is, what an asshole she is, how selfish she's been, but she has continued to pursue her A!

I have heard the same willingness to say that what she did was wrong, and saw tears while uttering that she never hoped to ruin my life or the kids lives, but still no willingness to NC. She says that the PA is over, but the EA is still strong. And she got St. Motherfucker to move from his house in TN to an apartment down the road from us. She says he is "greiving" about how badly is childish behavior is impacting his teenage daughters in TN, and he might decide to return there, but she still needs "space" to figure herself out. She is finally going to IC now, but I have little hope for R, and no idea how it could go if we get there. Until then, I'm stuck in limbo, and trying to read as much Buddhist philosophy as I can to come to terms with it, and get back to enjoying the moments I do have with friends, my kids, and other family.

[This message edited by awakening1 at 9:48 AM, April 30th (Friday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper.

My WW is a big time victim, so she tells everyone how horrible our situation is. All I know is, though, none of her friends (who I have known for 15+ years) have reached out to me at all. So who knows what she is telling them about how we got here.

There is 1 thing you can be totally certain about. And that she is playing the victim and making you the villain. She is telling every one with ears that you are a abusive horrible person who DROVE her to to have her A. You are made out to be such a awful person that I am sure you WW friends are agreeing with her that her A was completely justified.

The picture she is painting is that a virtuous woman such as she would NEVER cheat on her H if she were not driven to it thru extreme abuse and neglect.

And of course she is making the whole thing completely about her.

I got this done to me. And I think that ALL of us BH have it done to them. Believe me. You can not imagine how horrible you WW is making you out to be. It is extreme beyond you imagining. I wish we could sue for slander.

And about the unprotected sex thing. It is strangely common. Women who we once thought were intelligent will have unprotected sex with men that are cheating on they BW. And they will say that they OM is some how special and *clean* because he would NEVER do this to another woman (have multiple partners he is cheating with). Some how they make OM out to be virtuous - which really goes beyond stretching does it not? Our WW never consider that OM may have done this before. May be doing it now with another WW. That he BW is not doing it to him. Some how this never occurs to them at all.

There is also the common enuf thing of screwing OM in our bed. Talk about a violation! Hell. Our wedding pic was hanging on the wall over the fire place in there. There were pictures of our kids in there. And yet they think nothing at all of violating that space. Honestly I think they are seeing it only as a flat soft spot to lay down and screw. Nothing more than that.

And the emasculation. I am going on 14 years since Dday#1. And I still feel like a *chump*.

Razor

[This message edited by Razor at 10:07 AM, April 30th (Friday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is also the common enuf thing of screwing OM in our bed. Talk about a violation! Hell. Our wedding pic was hanging on the wall over the fire place in there. There were pictures of our kids in there. And yet they think nothing at all of violating that space. Honestly I think they are seeing it only as a flat soft spot to lay down and screw. Nothing more than that.

What it all comes down to is that she just didn't give a shit about me, herself, or even her own children. What it comes down to is that she is an utter, complete asshole who doesn't deserve reconciliation. Took me a long time to fully realize that about my STBXW, but it is what it is. I'm done trying to get inside her head and try to somehow sympathize with what she did. That just turned my insides out and left me a confused, angry babbling mess.

I will not spend the rest of my life with the one person on earth who has treated me worse than anyone else on the planet. Goodbye. Go fuck all your Craig's List buddies until your vagina rots.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:51 AM, April 30th (Friday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Razor said.

FWW had her A's because of me, I did not make her happy. At one point after DDay she said that me having to forgive her for the A's made it easier for her to forgive me for the horrible M.

At least I don't think they did it in our house. Both OM have been in the house, but other people were around.

FWW did the unprotect sex thing too. OM had talked about other A's, hanging out with prostitutes (not doing anything, just hanging out), she figured he'd be clean. He wasn't.

As for the emasculation, I do not feel that so much anymore. The OM from the LTAs were not attractive at all. Her BIL, enough said, but it was just phone sex. The one "attractive" OM she had a couple ONS with, his wife was dying at the time. She gets to keep all these nice memories and deal with them, not me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all know that our WW's actions had little or nothing to do with us. They had everything to do with them and some hole they have in their psyche that can never be filled. So they keep looking for that little risky thrill. Whether is it drinking, drugs, unprotected sex, spending money like crazy. Nothing is ever enough.

If my XW had come to me and said, "I can't do this anymore. I just want a D and be on my own." I would have been sad but in the long run appreciated her honesty. Who wants to be married to someone who ain't in the game.

My XW once told me that she did this stuff so I would see what a bad person she was and I would D her. That way she could look in the mirror and say to herself that she did not initiate the D, I did. What kind of fucked up thinking is that?

I just focused on me after the D. It was really tough adjusting to the schedule with the kids (50/50) but when I did not have them I kept busy working out, cleaning out my house, doing things that made me happy. Mostly because I wasn't wasting any more energy carrying the entire marriage on my shoulders.

Guess who has figured out that life isn't so easy when you are on your own? That the super guy she cheated with wasn't so super when he dumped her right after our D? Guess who keeps trying to be oh so friendly to me now?

No thanks.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL, terrifying! I haven't been tested at all. I know I should be, but there are so many other appointments I need to make.

Make this a priority - for the sake of your sanity. It was well worth the effort and money spent.

As for whether its more manly to stay and R or to leave and D.... neither, both a bloody hard roads to walk... whats manly is not what road you take but how you walk it.....

Great advice from SCD -- heed this advice. Don't fool yourself as none of the options you/we are faced with is easy. Just know you will survive no matter which route you venture on.


And about the unprotected sex thing. It is strangely common. Women who we once thought were intelligent will have unprotected sex with men that are cheating on they BW.

The use of a condom would imply their actions were premeditated and would thus destroy the fantasy mindset. In other words, a reality check in the heat of the moment.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I've hit the anger stage today, or what. But I am feeling seriously angry, and right on the brink of flipping out and throwing shit around my office. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about the WW and OM together before I discovered the A. It's all I can think about today, and it is making me crazy. The lies, the manipulation, the fact that we were all hanging out together, having what I thought was a fun time.

I feel like such a fool. It's almost like I'm finding out all over again. I don't know why I'm feeling like this today. I can't think of anything that could have triggered it. All I know is, I am furious, and feel like I want to just rage all over the place.

I'm afraid I'm going to be the asshole on the train tonight, and get in a fight with the first person who annoys me. Fuck, I hate feeling like this. And it's creepy, because it just came out of nowhere.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Jasper, I think we have all been there felt that. It is wierd, especially for those of us that were never very emotional in the past.

Part of my big weight drop has been the extra miles I have put on my bicycle trying to burn some of that off.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30 lbs of weight drop for me from running and biking and I have kept it off in the year since our D was final.

In the beginning it was to burn off that anger and stress. Now it just makes me feel good

Go for it Jasper


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm a runner, and it has helped a lot. I'm a little worried this week because I haven't run since Monday. It's like I don't have the energy. I wonder if not burning it off this week has led up to the anger.

I've calmed down a lot since this afternoon, but I'm still feeling pissed, and still feeling kind of weirded out that it came on so fast and so strong.

Glad I have therapy tomorrow AM. Maybe followed by a long run...


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1000 miles running last year, lost 30 pounds, and looking forward to a solid time, if not breaking a 14 year old PR, weather permitting, in my half on Sunday. That is one upside. Nothing sheds weight like the extra cortisol from a marriage falling apart.

Anyway, I was also stuck with anger towards her and St. MF earlier in the week. Tried to think of the many personal upsides of seeing less of her, but got stuck on the damage to our kids, and her incompetence in takin care of them during the half of the week she would have them. Only later in the week, while coaching my son's soccer practices, did I get back to living in the moment.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

I would get stuck in the same rut. But after a while a would force myself to run or bike. It just became the one thing that I could control. So even when you don't feel like it get out there and run. And keep doing it no matter what. As awakening said you want to get back to living in the moment. Exercise really helps with that.

Awakening, Good luck with the half. Please let us know how it goes. Every positive thing that happens for you is great and also a good thing to hear for everyone on this thread.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During 2007 to 2009n I packed on weight eating, drinking watching TV. FWW was doing her thing,

August I was renewing my SCUBA instructor rating. None of my gear fir so I bought new wet suits, new gear to fit.

1 month later is DDay. I drop 50 - 60 pounds. All the new gear >$1000 does not fit, it is too big. Old gear I sold cheap would be great.

So, I am buying new new gear, $750 in retailoring suits, thousands in MC and IC. She still does not know if she can love me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are all so alike it is both scarey and amusing. I too have dropped about 50 lbs and am in the best shape in years. Needed new clothes, people say i look good. It is the one saving grace of this situation.
I too got triggered into an uncontrolable rage yesterday.
God, her A is a gift that relentlessly keeps on giving. Yes, there is no easy way out of this. It's our destiny and it sucks big time.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper,
I understand how you feel. Strangely enough I have only lost 5 pounds but I have been so busy setting up my new apartment and just hanging out with my son I have not exercised in 6 months. I am sure once I am out of the house that will change. If I loose 50 pounds I will be in trouble, I only weigh 225 and I am 6'3 so I could stand to loose 20.
It is very strange how we all seem to be married to the same woman. Their must really be a cheaters handbook for women so they all say and to the same things. I always say they are all sisters but I am really beginning to believe they are just clones of each other (the cheaters that is). I should of read the small print on contract when my FIL gave me his daughters hand in marriage.
Today I am strangely calm, I caught the WW taking the day off from work after pretending to go in at the same time, she then went to the attorneys office to discuss how to screw me over (financially) and then she spent the day with the om.
And yet I have the strange calm of knowing 30 days and I am out of here.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


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