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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhapes you could talk to her IC one time, let her know about the EA incase she hasnt told her, let her know that you are struggling to deal with it on your own, that she is showing little or no remorse and that this is putting your continued support and the stability of her home environment at risk.

I would love to do this, but my WW will never let this happen. She wants me on the sidelines. Hell, she is still furious that I read her diary. So she looks at her IC as her one safe place of refuge.

Now what?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in a tight spot jsngold...

I'm no mental health professional but any mention by your WW of suicide is obviously a concern.

Is her IC aware she has contemplated suicide?

I don't know the dynamics of your WW's SAB issues or your M, but whether she is serious when she says this or not IMHO you need to act in some way.

Now that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be the one to solely support her through this. Google suicide hotlines in your area, speak to someone, your local GP, anyone... Get advice from a professional.

I have had family members commit suicide and from my limited understanding, even talking about suicide can be a warning sign.

As SCD posted, I think there's a difference between doing the hard 180 and a subtler version that can still enable you to start the healing process for you. But your WW needs to be prepared to help herself to some ectent and despite her issues eventually be cognisant of the damage she is causing to your M through her denial of the EA and her misplaced anger to you. You can only do so much.

Hell, she is still furious that I read her diary.

She's obviously not able to recognise the impact of her behaviour on your M at this time and is still engulfed in fog. Doing the 180 while beneficial for you can also potentially assist in lifting that fog, but in the context of her issues and more importantly her contemplation of suicide you may need to tread a little lightly, but not take the burden on alone.

I would strongly urge you to speak to a professional regarding your WW's issues and I am sure they can give you better direction than I can.

I am sure our other brothers here on SI can give you better advice than I as well.

Sending you my prayers and encouragement to remain strong.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold. This is going to be rough in a way.

To me this is plain and simple manipulation of you. Sure definetely contact mental health professionals on this.

But no matter what happens this is not your fault even if the worse happens. Repeat this three times and believe it.

This is clouding the real issue. She cheated and how she can help fix the marriage.

And she is furious you read her diaries? Wait who cheated her.

That co-dependance you have is dominating you.

Check the book out no more mr nice guy and start reading and checking the website.

I was you a year and a half ago ....


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WW tried the suicide card about a year ago. She was worthless, life wasn't worth living, etc etc.

I simply asked her why she wanted to do that to her children.

the suicide shit stopped immediately, it was simply a ruse-prolly the same in your case...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No More Mr. Nice Guy. Good book and opened my eyes a lot.
As for the support. My wife plays the suicide card. You know her best. For mine, itís more of a manipulation tool to get me to back off and leave her alone about her affairs. Iíve treaded cautiously though (removed firing pins from all guns, and being conscience about my alibi should I need one)... <== Sheís told friends she thinks I might kill her, so if she does go suicidal, I have to make sure to protect myself. Iíve told her that stuff is beyond anything I can ďfixĒ and she should talk to a professional about it. But I canít bury talking about her affairs even if it makes her feel this way. Iíve even suggested that if she wants to stop, we could divorce... I just donít believe this would help her self-esteem at all, so sheís got to work on herself. If sheís really that low, thereís nothing to lose by being afraid to face herself and deal with the problems head on. Canít seem to make this sink in though.

I will emotionally support my wife on anything except her decision to have an affair. This includes her mental ramifications resulting from it: Self-loathing, poor self esteem, etc. I try to help her rebuild these things by giving her positive reinforcement on those things that strengthen her character. I remind her of all her good aspects. I donít talk to punish her, I talk to understand her.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold,

If your WW is using the suicide card as a tool to manipulate you she is being a cruel SOB and you must not stand for it at all.

To all you men who have had the card played on you, I feel for you because it has to be one of the most fucked up thing another a human being can do to another (having an A excluded of course). If my FWS tried that shit on me I'd have her involuntarily admitted to the psych ward in a flash and pack her bags while she was in there.

But you know your WW best jsngold. Either way, make a stand.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
cuckhold
♂ Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I confronted FWW with her (she thought) hidden birth control script, (long AFTER my vasectomy) she ran into the bathroom with a razor blade. I kicked down the door and told her, if she was serious, to be sure she cut the veins the long way instead of the short as she would bleed out before it could be repaired. Her bid for sympathy ended right there.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is everybody?

Don't know why but really feeling pissed the last few days. XW has always relied very heavily on me to watch the kids when she is supposed to have them. I don't mind. I love having them around.

But when I have to see her more often in person I cannot help but want to point out how much damage she has caused. How she continues to make one stupid decision after another. But she is not my problem anymore. That is the maddening part. Why am I getting pissed?

I am in much better financial shape without her free spending ways
I am not walking on eggshells anymore
I don't want her or desire her

Honestly, I think it has to do with the fact that I am struggling with the idea that I just can't banish her from my life. I have to deal with her weekly because of our kids. I find myself looking forward to when the kids are in college. Then I won't have to deal with her nearly as much. Hopefully for months at a time.

That is my main issue one year out. I still get pissed at her. While not as much as before and less with each passing day I still do. Hopefully, I'll get to a point where she just doesn't trigger anything. I suspect I will but for right now there are still times where it just sucks.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
lifesgood
♂ Member
Member # 20287
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me like you have every right to be pissed. Your XWs stupid decisions don't affect you, but they do affect your kids. How could they not?

Sounds like you are just being a protective Dad. As you should be IMO.


Me BH 39
Her FWW 38
DD 7
DDay 2/25/08
Vows renewed 10/17/09

Posts: 373 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Indiana
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's prolly my biggest impediment to D-I STILL have to deal w/her for the next 14 yrs REGARDLESS, because of the kids.

might as well stay w/her-I have great health/dental ins., none offered by my employer.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any one ever run into OM in public?

There is a thread about this in General (I think). I never have but wonder what me reaction would be.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any one ever run into OM in public?

I think I did today, just how many black guys driving Volvo's are there?


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not though I expect that I will at some point. I think I will find it funny. Because he is such a fucking dope he won't recognize me. And when we are introduced it will be fun to watch his expressions.

I don't have some speech prepared. My XW is the one who also chose to cheat. He, of course, threw her to the curb one month after our D was final. She was the "love of his life" or so he told her.

Just to watch him cower and try to get away will be priceless.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I ran into the OM when he showed up (uninvited) at a party my WP was hosting for her business. I introduced myself and shook his hand but he seemed shocked (apparently he for some delusional reason didn't think I'd be there.) He kind of stuttered a reply and walked off.

As much as a jab in the nose would have been satisfying, I felt like it was better to not play into expectations and try to make myself more of a real person in his head rather than some abstract concept. At the time it kind of worked (he got upset and left), but in the long term it wasn't immensely helpful to the situation.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've run into OM a couple of times and he always turns tail and exits as quickly as he can.... He's NPD so the older he gets the more paranoid he gets... Pretty damn funny actually...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nahh, never met OMM(we travel diff circles), but OM #1 gave me a dirty look one day at WW's work.

But fuck them, they never promised me shit....


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot go down that path OM would not like seeing me at all.

I will NEVER be the last frame of this cartoon again.

http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/?p=1764


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
cuckhold
♂ Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, For the last 6 months, in church every Sunday morning. We are about to do something about that. Scheduling meeting with pastor to get his advise on how to confront.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
awakening1
♂ Member
Member # 27360
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have considered spitting in his face. Seems appropriate.

WW started our JC session saying she has definitely decided to separate. I replied, "Whatever.". Then I added that we better dust off the agreement so we can start the clock. She tried to patronize me by saying that this what she wanted months ago, and she wishes she hadn't been hurting me since then, and I replied that she hasn't been doing me any favors for the last 7 months, and she certainly isn't now. She said the affair was a symptom of something wrong in the marriage, and I replied that I was more than willing to work to address those if she has the guts to dump St. MF. But without breaking contact, we were getting nowhere. She tried to tell me that she understood and cared about what I was going through, and I interrupted and reminded her about how she withdrew and walled off not just in the last 7 months, but for years before then. She never treated her ADHD, and never could sit still while actually listening without interrupting, or even focus on one thing in bed without jumping to another.

I feel some sense of resolution. No more limbo bullshit. Time to start building my single life again, and focusing on being superparent during my half of the week.


Me: BH, 43
Her: WW, 41
Kids: 2 (9 and 6)
D-Day: 11/21/09. WW tried to bust up another marriage, but got dumped. OM/St. MF apparently wasn't so saintly after all.
Drafted S papers in 1/10. Filed in 1/12. Court date set for 1/13.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Northern VA
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any one ever run into OM in public?

Not to my knowledge.

He lives about 15 miles NE of me, as the crow flies. He and the ex met overseas (miliatry deployments). There would have been no other reason for them to have met otherwise. We don't frequent the same areas.

I did, about 5 years ago in the midst of all the shit, find his name in my company's email address book. To say that was a shock is an understatment.

I started figuring out how I'd deal with seeing him at work.

Turns out he was a sometime contractor of sorts for the overall corporation (which is quite large). I doubt he ever stepped foot on the site where I work.

Unless he and the ex are still at it....I can't see me ever running into him in public. This metro area is quite large and the odds are pretty slim.

At this point....if I did...I'd probably laugh. He really isn't worth my time.


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
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