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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Teacherman2000
♂ Member
Member # 6683
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder how much damage we are all carrying with us? I mean long term issues. I didn't think I was too bad off, but lately I'm wondering.

PTSD? I don't think so. I don't have strongly negative reactions to any stimuli, or even without any stimuli.

I seem sort of flat. Maybe the opposite of PTSD...

SI came very close to saving my life at one time. It gave me a lifeline and a source of knowledge and of course, support. These days I'm doing fine except, well, I keep reading here. I read lots of stories and try to help out where I think I can. It's been more than 5 years since dday, almost 3 years since the divorce, almost 1 year since I finally said "enough". However, it seems like I'm still looking for answers. I'm not positive if thats so, but I just can't explain it. I'm looking for answers but I'm not really sure what the question is. (Matrix stuff? Hitchhiker's Guide Stuff? The answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. But what's the question? lol Anyway...)

I have a wonderful girlfriend but I wonder if I can love someone deeply anymore? Right now my emotional state feels like this: Imagine an athlete that is past his prime. He can remember being able to throw a 95mph fastball but no matter how hard he trains and does the right things, he'll never be able to reach that again.

Could this experience be doing this to us?


Me - BS/48
Her - XWS/44
DDay - 4 December 2004
Several more ddays to follow, the last one in July 2009.
Long boring story where I do nearly everything wrong.

"Waiting for my real life to begin." Colin Hay


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Tennessee
slowlymending
♀ Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed Men only.

[This message edited by trying2deal at 10:22 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, slowlymending. Every bit of sympathy and support is welcome. I expect your post will get zapped, but I'm glad I had a chance to read it before that happens.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
SoCalDad
♂ New Member
Member # 28234
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post here on SI. In a few days it will be one year since D-Day. There have been so many changes in my life since then. SI has been a big help in dealing with the changes. I first discovered that my WW had an ad up on Ashley Madison. She said that it was a silly site and nothing happened with it. Then I discovered that some business trips were actually cover for her to meet up with another man she had met at a conference. She actually used attendence at an Ethics Conference as one of her excuses. I wonder if they had a how to lie to your spouse class? Then there were early morning and late night texts and phone calls to a client. Apparently he had some pressing employment law questions at midnight on a Saturday.

I got the "it's all your fault" I am doing this. You've been a bad husband and father. We tried MC but got fired by the MC after 4 visits because there was nothing he could do. The sessions were all about how I was an asshole and I had invaded her privacy by looking at her computer and phone records. Then came the verbal abuse. I was a asshole, a mommy's boy and I must be gay. Then came the throwing stuff at me and finally a false report of domistic abuse.

I told her in December that I wanted out of the marriage but we continued to live in the same house. I offered to let her be the one to file for divorce but she didn't want to. I guess she thought she could be a cake eater. I filed at the end of January, moved out of the house in March (after a 3 week battle over temporary custody and support). It has been tough. But SI has helped.

My WW engaged in unprotected sex with God knows how many people. She has never come clean with me on anything other than to admit to one instance where she couldn't deny it. But there was unmistakeable proof that it was going. She would deny it and say I was crazy.

She finally got around to telling her parents that we are getting a divorce a few weeks ago. They already knew because I had told them months ago (I did not tell them the true reason why). She told them that I had gone off the deep end and had serious drug and alcohol abuse problems and had left her. They know that that is not the case and years ago asked me why I was still married to her. They told me that if I should ever divorce her they would understand and not hold it against me. So far they have been true to their word.

So far I have had to spend over $10,000 on attorneys and we haven't even had our first court date. The hardest part was having to fight to keep from being charged on the false domestic abuse charge. Had that occurred I would have been suspended without pay from my job until it was resolved. At least I had recordings and witnesses to prove that she was lying about what had occurred, but it took 3 months before it was formally rejected by the DA.

I too lost a lot of weight after D-Day. I went from 245 to 180 in about 2 months. I have kept most of it off. I started running and got up to 16 miles at a shot. Putting on the headphones, listening to music and running was a great way to relieve the stress. I am just getting back into the running again after taking a few months off.

I didn't want divorce after 23 years of marriage, but I could no longer live in the poison cesspool that my WW had created. Someday she may look back and miss what she has destroyed but I doubt it. After spending the last year reading a ton I am pretty sure that she is a high functioning Borderline personality with a bunch of Narcissitic personality traits thrown in. Everything has been a battle and nothing is her fault. But at least I know what I am dealing with and there is a lot of information on how to respond to it.

Thanks to all of the people who post here. Knowing that there is a script that these broken people go by has been a big help in coming to terms with it all.

Peace!


The Gypsy lied

Me: BS 50
Her: WW 51
2 DD 2 DS
Married 23 Years
DD May 2009
Filed for Divorce Feb 2010
Divorce Final July 2012


Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: So Cal
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoCalDad,

What a story. Unbelievable. I'm sorry. I don't know how you refrained from posting all this time.

Your STBXW gave you the Mommy's Boy crap, too? I heard the same thing. My mother has been nothing but kind and generous to my wife, and never intruded into our lives. I had no idea where that came from. As if she was jealous of my mother, whom we only saw occasionally. WTF?

Some other similarities as well: many OM, bald faced lying even when presented with hard evidence, BPD and NPD traits. What cesspool do these women come from?

We're divorcing, but living together through the process. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:50 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
SoCalDad
♂ New Member
Member # 28234
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once:

Sorry that you have to stay there. I know it was very difficult for me the three months I was in the same house after I told her I wanted the divorce. I put a lock on the inside of the door of my bedroom and locked myself in every night. I had no idea of what my WW would do. I put a keyed lock on my bedroom door of my current house just in case she copies the house keys my kids have. I lock it at night and when I leave the house. It really sucks having to live with this fear of an irrational person.


The Gypsy lied

Me: BS 50
Her: WW 51
2 DD 2 DS
Married 23 Years
DD May 2009
Filed for Divorce Feb 2010
Divorce Final July 2012


Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: So Cal
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teacherman2000,

I understand the feeling, the FLAT feeling. Its like my extremes (sad and joyous) are missing from my chemistry and all I have is flat.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Teacherman2000
♂ Member
Member # 6683
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can people be so cruel... false domestic abuse, all the cheating, blaming the bs, ... unbelievable cruelty. I'm so sad that so many people have to endure this kind of abuse. Has the world always been this way? Have abusers always wielded this kind of power over those who depend on them?

My mood is reflected by the rainy, dreary day. Man, I want the sunshine and huge pollen count back!


Me - BS/48
Her - XWS/44
DDay - 4 December 2004
Several more ddays to follow, the last one in July 2009.
Long boring story where I do nearly everything wrong.

"Waiting for my real life to begin." Colin Hay


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Tennessee
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slowlymending,

Thanks for the kind words, I hope they allow the post to stay, it just shows us there is women out there who appreciate the kind of guys we are. Yes we hurt just like the women do but we are often misunderstood because we do it quietly and with a stiff upper lip.

SoCalDad,

Welcome to the family, I am sorry we have another brother but we welcome you with open hearts and arms. I am sure the more you read here the more you will realize we all married similar women, I am currently in the holding pattern, moving in June staying to help with my son. She told me she wanted to work out an agreement between us then went and hired an attorney, so the lies continue. After she met the attorney she spent the day with OM and told my son and I she was working.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach... I'm three years out from Dday and feel the same way... It's like I've pretty much burned through all the emotional capital I had... I really don't believe that I will ever deeply invest emotionally in a relationship again...

One of my friends calls be bitter but in a smiling kind of way... After what the ex did and then my sociopathic daughter did, I'm pretty much used up...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once,

I totally agree. I lived with my XW up until the D and it was just brutal. Having to know that she was lying about her whereabouts, going out to meet the OM, coming home completely wasted. Another high functioning BPD that rewrote the history on everything.

When you do finally get away on your own in your own place it gets so much better.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the "it's all your fault" I am doing this. You've been a bad husband and father. We tried MC but got fired by the MC after 4 visits because there was nothing he could do. The sessions were all about how I was an asshole and I had invaded her privacy by looking at her computer and phone records. Then came the verbal abuse. I was a asshole, a mommy's boy and I must be gay. Then came the throwing stuff at me and finally a false report of domistic abuse.

I told her in December that I wanted out of the marriage but we continued to live in the same house. I offered to let her be the one to file for divorce but she didn't want to. I guess she thought she could be a cake eater. I filed at the end of January, moved out of the house in March (after a 3 week battle over temporary custody and support). It has been tough. But SI has helped.

My WW engaged in unprotected sex with God knows how many people. She has never come clean with me on anything other than to admit to one instance where she couldn't deny it. But there was unmistakeable proof that it was going. She would deny it and say I was crazy.

Short of the MC, I could have written that statement. You are correct, we all are pretty much unwittingly made into cast members of the same script. I am glad to see you are moving on with life. I many cases involving WW's that is the only option as once they emotionally detach it is near impossible to reconnect. My xw would hear nothing of it and was the one to file for D.


I really don't believe that I will ever deeply invest emotionally in a relationship again...

Sure you will! Your mind has the wonderful ability to forget and your soul the perseverance to bloom again -- all it takes is time.

Mark my words, bro.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 5:27 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoCalDad, sorry to hear your story but glad you are posting. Sounds like a crap situation, but good to hear that you are taking the steps you need to take to shut the madness down.

Feeling pretty good about today. We had amazing weather, I got out early and met with the therapist. Liked him. Not exactly sure what I will ultimately get out of it, but good to have an unbiased 3rd party to talk to. Went for a run (not as long as it should have been, but still felt awesome), made 3 trips to Home Depot, and got a ton of shit done. Productive.

WW took our daughter to have dinner with some really good, really old friends of ours. We all went to college together, were roommates with each other, etc... We are supposed to be going to Disney with them in November, so had to do some planning. I'm not a real Disney guy, so I told WW she could keep the trip (and maybe take her mom or something, not OM). She thought maybe we'd be civil enough we could all go together. (whatever -- keep living in that fantasy world). Anyway, she told them the whole story -- keep in mind, they are also friends with the OM and OMBW -- and said they were shocked and upset, but supportive. WTF does supportive mean? She said her girlfriends were supportive too. How do you support infidelity when you know both WP and both BP? And you know both families that have been destroyed? WTF does that mean?

Anyway, now I need details. I know calling over there now would not be very 180 of me. However, I did drop an email to my buddy (husband of the couple WW told tonight) to say I was sorry for not showing up at dinner and for leaving him and his wife in an awkward situation. Hoping he will respond with a few details about the conversation. We'll be on a guys weekend in Boston in a few weeks anyway, so I should be able to get details then. But I need to know what story she has been spinning that is getting people to be so "supportive."

[This message edited by jasper at 8:04 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
shockedandstuned
♂ Member
Member # 27153
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well just another day here, WW just came home with her friend, drunk and her friend ran over the mailbox, WW kept laughing and laughing telling her its ok. Not even OOOPs I am sorry, WW just said its ok, I would fix it. I had friends over and they were horrified and I was horrified.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked, that's appalling man. I feel like a common thread here is that our WWs are unbelievably inconsiderate. Were your friends aware of your situation? That must have been tough to deal with. Was your son around?

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
SoCalDad
♂ New Member
Member # 28234
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The WW first told me she was sorry about the affair and then took it back and said she was glad that she had sex with another guy. Then she told me how kind she was by not sleeping with someone local so I wouldn't accidently run into them. Ah gee thanks honey that made it so much better.....

She had lap band surgury about two years ago and it was all down hill from there. She never discussed it with me and I only found out about it when I accidently found the insurance papers hidden in our closet. She had been denied by insurance because she did not medically qualify. She appealed and then went back in to be re-weighed. Her weight was high enough the second time. I was told by a family friend that my daughter told her that my wife strapped extra weights on her when she went back the second time. Nothing like a little fraud to get what you are entitled to.

At least I am not going to have to deal with all of the problems that come from having that surgury.


The Gypsy lied

Me: BS 50
Her: WW 51
2 DD 2 DS
Married 23 Years
DD May 2009
Filed for Divorce Feb 2010
Divorce Final July 2012


Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: So Cal
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

What does supportive mean? That they were supportive of her cheating? That they were sorry to hear about the hardship in your collective life due to her actions?

I totally understand the need for details. But I have to tell you one year out from my D being final that I doubt you are going to find any satisfaction at all. There is no way she did not spin this. You know you can hear it.

"We have been having problems for a long time. I've grown in new ways and Jasper is still stuck in whatever rut he is in. He really needs help. Our marriage was so barren of love and support and one day I just met someone. I felt like a plant in the desert that just got some water. I bloomed."

Why torture yourself? I know why because I did it myself. I so desperately wanted everyone to know the truth that I just had to know "details".

But in the end you are being honest. You are acting rationally. She will rewrite history over and over just so she can brand herself a good person. Please remember that. She will do and say whatever she needs to do so your friends and she can see herself as a good person.

Fuck that. You cannot compete. I tried and beat my head against the wall over and over thinking how unfair it was

Then one day I let go. You will too. You will also be surprised in the long run how many of your "friends" figure out who is the idiot despite what she says. And when you let go you start to heal. Frankly, most of your friends really don't want to get involved and pick sides. If they do and pick her then consider yourself lucky that they aren't a part of your life anymore.

Sorry for the rant. This really cranked me off thinking about how I went through the same shit and how it pissed me off.

Also congrats on bailing on the trip. I had a vacation with the family while we were getting divorced. It was quite possibly one of the worst weeks I have spent in my entire life. Don't do it.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
trying2deal
♀ Member
Member # 2597
Red  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slowlymending,

You have a PM.


All truth, in the long run, is only common sense clarified. Thomas Huxley

Posts: 13203 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: LI, NY
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the PTSD side... this is a really minor thing, but I've discovered I have to change my text message tone because I start triggering each time it goes off.

I guess because so often I'd find out bad news that way from her.

The problem is, I have an iPhone and there's only about 6 sounds you can use - so now I hear other people's iPhones go off and wince at it.

Will it get carried into a next relationship? Everything we experience shapes us but that doesn't mean it all has to be bad just because it was a bad experience. I've had bad jobs but that doesn't mean I can't have good ones.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 2nd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an awesome weekend on the east coast. It was like summer. I had a good day alone (mostly) yesterday and got a ton of stuff done. Spent an awesome today with my daughter and several different groups of friends. It reminded me of the good life I have, and the fact that my WW was only one part of it. I still feel OK about the fact that we are separated and I need to get off my ass and do the paperwork I got from the lawyer, meet with my accountant (who is going to be shocked), and get this divorce going. Financial shock aside, I will feel better when it's done.

On the downside, I still can't stomach the relationship between WW and OM. She was MIA today (not really MIA, I guess, because we had discussed in advance that she was taking care of a lot of her moving stuff today), but I got a few texts and a phonecall tonight to talk to our daughter at a very inconvenenient time (wrapping up dinner, trying to get to bath -- not my forte, to be honest). I found out from the OMBW that they were at the fucking Ikea store buying cheap furniture to furnish each other's love nests. Not that I wouldn't expect it, but the thought of them together doing this kind of thing nauseates me, and makes me sick to my stomach.

Buddy called last night after the awkward dinner where WW told him and his wife (who we have been friends with since colleage and who also have known OM and OMBW for many years). Clearly, when she used the term "supportive" she was editorializing. He was disgusted, pissed I didn't tell him first, and really sad and worried about the situation. Conversation felt good.

I guess I wish WW wasn't getting so much affirmation from people when she tells them. Obviously, people who have been friends with both of us for years aren't going to start screaming "whore!" and "homewrecker!" when she tells them, but I hate that she is walking away feeling supported. She doesn't desrve support right now after what she's done, and I don't even see how it is a subjective issue.

Anyway, all in all, today helped me realize that I'm on a better path and I'll be the one who is better off int he end, but it also helped me realize that she s unlikely to realize how terribly wrong this A is anytime soon.

Fucking Ikea? I wondr if they were coordinating furniture so they would have matching pulpwood crap when they eventually consolidate apartments. Makes me want to vomit.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
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