Focus on myself, I am the important person here, I cannot control her, I cannot change the outcome I can only be a better person.
I can not make her tell me the truth, I cannot make her 100% never cheat again, I cannot control her. I can only control myself.
I found that after coming to the same realisation, everything else became a lot clearer for me and a weight lifted off my shoulders. Hope you're feeling the same zombieman.
I took my balls outta the jar on her nightstand last night and they're reattached
You have to put the focus on you and let go of the M your WW and become who you want to be.
You may want the M to survive but really at this point it is not worth effort.
As your strive to free yourself from the pain and absolute bull shit our wives put us through.
You no longer attempt to control or change them as it always was their job.
They are 10 year old bitches trapped in a grown womans body.
It is their job to fix themselves and NEVER was our job. We do know better for them and our children and our lives but you cannot ram rod the realization down their throught. They need to hit rock bottom or an epiphany to change.
You will eventually get to a point where they either grow with you or become passengers in your life.
Than you have a decision. Can you manage this enough and keep a partnership (note not a M) for the kids if that is what you want.
If they do step up to become a whole healthy adult only than can you R. But R is not a given. You may out grow them and still want D or a simple partnership.
But you have healed and gone on with the rest of your life.
You are in control of the only thing you can be you.
IMHO really the last thing to try is say fuck the marriage fuck your wife and be healthily selfish and see what the fuck happens.
Shrink for men is an exceelent site but it misses one thing. How to grow yourself.
Some books I recommend.
No more Mr Nice Guy
Way of the Superior Man
When I say No I feel guilty.
I am on the horse again (thank god) after getting smacked by reality lately and my goal now is NOT to fall of again.
We are in similar boats and similar seas and hope for you all to have the absolute strength you need and dont let ANYBODY take away one more moment of your life or joy with your kids.
Believe in yourself.
10? Wow, what I would have given (when I gave a shit) for that. Mine's more like an especially difficult toddler.
I gotta love myself again. F her! Focus on myself, I am the important person here, I cannot control her, I cannot change the outcome I can only be a better person.
In my opinion all of us, no matter how great R might seem, should be prepared for the big D.
I absolutely agree with this. You have to draw a hard line and stick to it.
The first step is to focus on you self. I lost 40 pounds after Dday#2 and these were pounds I needed to loose. I am feeling and looking much better now. Nothing better for the old ego than to get smiles and winks from young women (and some near me age) when I go out. Makes me feel like I have options.
Also. You have to consider what mind set a WW would have if she constantly made you worry about more contact by way of her actions. You know. Repeating old A like behavior. Saying she is going to a place where she and OM used to fuck *by her self* and you have no way to verify. Disappearing for a time like she once did during the A. Things like that.
These are acts of a vindictive and evil minded woman. This intense lack of consideration show a utter lack of respect for you and a complete ignorance regarding the pain she inflicted. And that alone may be enuf to pull the plug and go for D. I mean. Who wants to live a life where our WW pulls strings like that on us? If pulling these things is unintentional then it just means she is callous uncaring and self involved. If she is pulling these things intentionally (even tho not meeting OM) she is a vindictive evil bitch. Take you pick. Both situ show me that this is a woman I dont want to be with.
I forgot to add, by the way, that I took my balls outta the jar on her nightstand last night and they're reattached. Feels much gooder.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
If the attitude and actions are the same (read bad, uncaring, show no respect) you may just have to D.
My wife is the same. Do I beleive she respects me now? No but the difference now is I demand it and she faces consequences for acting a fool.
And I like your second point Razor and I am going to rephrase it. Their motivation for acting like a piece of shit does not matter. they cant control it, constantly doing bad things and thinking sorry is a get out of jail free card, etc. because it is absolute bullshit.
I bet you top dollar they do not act like that at work towards their boss, their friends, or a cop.
It is all absolute bullshit because they can control it mental issues or not.
What can you do? Grab brass balls and do not take one bit of shit and do it with a smile.
And if you changing the fucked up dynamic they perpetrated and you accepted end the marriage so fucking be it.
Their is NO OTHER path with a selfish person except zero tolerance and putting shit back where it belongs on them.
if it ends up ending the M so fucking be it.
If not great the family can be saved.
But it begins with each one of us saying no fucking more.
And if they get pissed so be it. They should be pissed ... with themselves.
So maybe its a little of the trust issue and maybe its a little of the I dont give a fuck anymore syndrome, call it what you want. Facts are facts.
She's gone out til late every night she's been gone, getting back to the room after 10 and sometimes 11. She "got lost" with someone the other night, but not to worry, it was with a married woman coleague of hers", And last but not least:
Today I had to call her on a financial matter. It was 430 her time, 130 mine. She's gotten out of training early every day this week, but this time her phone was shut off until 6pm. And her response was she didnt get out of training until 530. On a day that she previously stated that all but her and one other person from California were flying out on 7 and 8 o'clock flights; she leaves tomorrow. Whatever.
Been through this twice. Dated A LOT before the 1st and between the 1st and second. Not impressed. Are all women freaking liars? Maybe there's something to being a Priest after all....
Who wants to live a life where our WW pulls strings like that on us? If pulling these things is unintentional then it just means she is callous uncaring and self involved. If she is pulling these things intentionally (even tho not meeting OM) she is a vindictive evil bitch. Take you pick. Both situ show me that this is a woman I dont want to be with.
Yeah this is tough territory for me at the moment, as I mentioned above, i have come to the conclusion I can't change shit with her but it's still hard to live with someone who is behaving as Razor mentioned. Case in point, what she wears to work, now her fashion sense had changed before her affair - she came out of 1.5 years at home with a new child and decided to step it up and be more confident, lose weight etc.. As you can guess she got carried away with her ego and thats why i'm posting on an infidelity forum, I seriously think that she thinks she is some sort of sex bomb now, hey she looks good, but lets not get carried away. She still is wearing stuff to work that is kinda inappropriate and knows that I am uncomfortable with her wearing it when POSOM is still at the job, so as Razor mentioned she is either callous uncaring and self involved or a vindictive evil bitch, i'm going to throw a third option in the mix that she is also really dumb. She has no fucking idea. All it does to my fucked up head is make me wonder. Is she still playing some sort of game with him - hey look what you cant have now... If she isn't she needs to find some empathy, because it is non existent, in fact the more I think about it is one of her major problems, a total lack of empathy with anyone even before the A.
Im doing my best to hold my tongue a lot around her at the moment as it's not worth the trouble, I'm going out clubbing tonight and she found my wedding ring and asked me several times to put it on today. All I wanted to say was, what difference will it make? You were wearing yours while you were screwing prince charming at a motel, so they obviously didnt mean shit to you then but now our marriage is sacred territory? I guarantee she will be txting me all night giving me sad stories of how she misses me etc.. My indifference couldn't be greater at the moment.
Should crack a smile at my kinda luck....probably how I finally ended up with my current. After that shit "normal" felt GREAT!
You were wearing yours while you were screwing prince charming at a motel, so they obviously didnt mean shit to you then but now our marriage is sacred territory?
i get the same shit, zombieman, WW even bought me another band, she wears it as well as my old band. Never will another ring haunt my finger.
Anyway, this would go over like a lead balloon where the women read; when I finally got over the initial shock, I was on another relationship site, and the advice was the same, "take care of you" they all said. So I did. I did about an 8 month stint of fucking anything in a skirt. It was more for the ego, then for the heart, but it worked. After a while, a relationship started forming, I wasn't really trying too hard for this, which I think made her want it all the more, which pushed me farther away. It's really a vicious game . Anyway, all the while, WW is hearing about ole Jimi, and as the old saying goes, "wanting what she can't have". I don't suggest this as a 180, but more as a "if this is what you need to get you through", it's not unheard of.
I don't think any of us, before this, would even object to our wives having an EA.
"EA" is bullshit. An EA is called a gay male friend. I could give a fuck that she confided her "troubles" to another man. When she spread her legs or opened her mouth it became problematic. The lies kind of suck too.
Stringing me along as her backup plan was kind of a shitty thing to do, too.
Funny thing is, I don't care anymore.
I waited a while and it was worth the wait
For me i was i guess a little bit off from the norm, the fact that my wife srewed at least 4 other guys wasnt the big thing, after all ididnt fall in love with a virgin and i sure didnt marry one, for me it was the betrayal of trust that hurt me, the lies, and that she had withdrown so far from me.... that cut me deeper than any physical action could.
cutting short...ill miss my running group if i dont head out now.
When I found out the real truth of the sitch.... That was it... Onto my own life...
But being out in some of the other forums is really starting to piss me off. Check out the Fight Club thread in General for an example.
I might have to read Fight Club, I'll put it on mental list.