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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Focus on myself, I am the important person here, I cannot control her, I cannot change the outcome I can only be a better person.

I can not make her tell me the truth, I cannot make her 100% never cheat again, I cannot control her. I can only control myself.

I found that after coming to the same realisation, everything else became a lot clearer for me and a weight lifted off my shoulders. Hope you're feeling the same zombieman.

I took my balls outta the jar on her nightstand last night and they're reattached


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically this is what we are all faced with. Wincing is an example of being sucessful with it.

You have to put the focus on you and let go of the M your WW and become who you want to be.

You may want the M to survive but really at this point it is not worth effort.

As your strive to free yourself from the pain and absolute bull shit our wives put us through.

You no longer attempt to control or change them as it always was their job.

They are 10 year old bitches trapped in a grown womans body.

It is their job to fix themselves and NEVER was our job. We do know better for them and our children and our lives but you cannot ram rod the realization down their throught. They need to hit rock bottom or an epiphany to change.

You will eventually get to a point where they either grow with you or become passengers in your life.

Than you have a decision. Can you manage this enough and keep a partnership (note not a M) for the kids if that is what you want.

If they do step up to become a whole healthy adult only than can you R. But R is not a given. You may out grow them and still want D or a simple partnership.

But you have healed and gone on with the rest of your life.

You are in control of the only thing you can be you.

IMHO really the last thing to try is say fuck the marriage fuck your wife and be healthily selfish and see what the fuck happens.

Shrink for men is an exceelent site but it misses one thing. How to grow yourself.

Some books I recommend.

No more Mr Nice Guy
Passionatte Marriage.
Way of the Superior Man
When I say No I feel guilty.

I am on the horse again (thank god) after getting smacked by reality lately and my goal now is NOT to fall of again.

We are in similar boats and similar seas and hope for you all to have the absolute strength you need and dont let ANYBODY take away one more moment of your life or joy with your kids.

Believe in yourself.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are 10 year old bitches trapped in a grown womans body.

10? Wow, what I would have given (when I gave a shit) for that. Mine's more like an especially difficult toddler.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said, lostCause and zombieman. Agree 100 percent.

I gotta love myself again. F her! Focus on myself, I am the important person here, I cannot control her, I cannot change the outcome I can only be a better person.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion all of us, no matter how great R might seem, should be prepared for the big D.

I absolutely agree with this. You have to draw a hard line and stick to it.

The first step is to focus on you self. I lost 40 pounds after Dday#2 and these were pounds I needed to loose. I am feeling and looking much better now. Nothing better for the old ego than to get smiles and winks from young women (and some near me age) when I go out. Makes me feel like I have options.

Also. You have to consider what mind set a WW would have if she constantly made you worry about more contact by way of her actions. You know. Repeating old A like behavior. Saying she is going to a place where she and OM used to fuck *by her self* and you have no way to verify. Disappearing for a time like she once did during the A. Things like that.

These are acts of a vindictive and evil minded woman. This intense lack of consideration show a utter lack of respect for you and a complete ignorance regarding the pain she inflicted. And that alone may be enuf to pull the plug and go for D. I mean. Who wants to live a life where our WW pulls strings like that on us? If pulling these things is unintentional then it just means she is callous uncaring and self involved. If she is pulling these things intentionally (even tho not meeting OM) she is a vindictive evil bitch. Take you pick. Both situ show me that this is a woman I dont want to be with.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to add, by the way, that I took my balls outta the jar on her nightstand last night and they're reattached. Feels much gooder.

Well said


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor has to me one of the biggets points of R.

If the attitude and actions are the same (read bad, uncaring, show no respect) you may just have to D.

My wife is the same. Do I beleive she respects me now? No but the difference now is I demand it and she faces consequences for acting a fool.

And I like your second point Razor and I am going to rephrase it. Their motivation for acting like a piece of shit does not matter. they cant control it, constantly doing bad things and thinking sorry is a get out of jail free card, etc. because it is absolute bullshit.

I bet you top dollar they do not act like that at work towards their boss, their friends, or a cop.

It is all absolute bullshit because they can control it mental issues or not.

What can you do? Grab brass balls and do not take one bit of shit and do it with a smile.

And if you changing the fucked up dynamic they perpetrated and you accepted end the marriage so fucking be it.

Their is NO OTHER path with a selfish person except zero tolerance and putting shit back where it belongs on them.

if it ends up ending the M so fucking be it.

If not great the family can be saved.

But it begins with each one of us saying no fucking more.

And if they get pissed so be it. They should be pissed ... with themselves.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to mention something else Iíve learned. I am the only one in control of me. If I spend all my time reacting to her, she has all the power in the relationship. By taking control of myself and cutting that cord, she is put into a position where she needs to react to you. Her actions & comments no longer have the same reaction from you if you stop giving a shit about her and focus on yourself. Nothing frustrates a WW more than losing control. That puts the direction of the R back onto your plate.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my WW called tonight to tell me how much "she loves me, and she misses me, and so on and so on..." Words, Words, and more Words, followed by " Havent I called you every chance I got, and texted you at least three times a day?" Almost sounded like one of the adults in a Charlie Brown episode "Whon, Whon Whon."

So maybe its a little of the trust issue and maybe its a little of the I dont give a fuck anymore syndrome, call it what you want. Facts are facts.

She's gone out til late every night she's been gone, getting back to the room after 10 and sometimes 11. She "got lost" with someone the other night, but not to worry, it was with a married woman coleague of hers", And last but not least:

Today I had to call her on a financial matter. It was 430 her time, 130 mine. She's gotten out of training early every day this week, but this time her phone was shut off until 6pm. And her response was she didnt get out of training until 530. On a day that she previously stated that all but her and one other person from California were flying out on 7 and 8 o'clock flights; she leaves tomorrow. Whatever.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to close the previous post with my question...Forgive the ranting ADD mind....

Been through this twice. Dated A LOT before the 1st and between the 1st and second. Not impressed. Are all women freaking liars? Maybe there's something to being a Priest after all....


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who wants to live a life where our WW pulls strings like that on us? If pulling these things is unintentional then it just means she is callous uncaring and self involved. If she is pulling these things intentionally (even tho not meeting OM) she is a vindictive evil bitch. Take you pick. Both situ show me that this is a woman I dont want to be with.

Yeah this is tough territory for me at the moment, as I mentioned above, i have come to the conclusion I can't change shit with her but it's still hard to live with someone who is behaving as Razor mentioned. Case in point, what she wears to work, now her fashion sense had changed before her affair - she came out of 1.5 years at home with a new child and decided to step it up and be more confident, lose weight etc.. As you can guess she got carried away with her ego and thats why i'm posting on an infidelity forum, I seriously think that she thinks she is some sort of sex bomb now, hey she looks good, but lets not get carried away. She still is wearing stuff to work that is kinda inappropriate and knows that I am uncomfortable with her wearing it when POSOM is still at the job, so as Razor mentioned she is either callous uncaring and self involved or a vindictive evil bitch, i'm going to throw a third option in the mix that she is also really dumb. She has no fucking idea. All it does to my fucked up head is make me wonder. Is she still playing some sort of game with him - hey look what you cant have now... If she isn't she needs to find some empathy, because it is non existent, in fact the more I think about it is one of her major problems, a total lack of empathy with anyone even before the A.

Im doing my best to hold my tongue a lot around her at the moment as it's not worth the trouble, I'm going out clubbing tonight and she found my wedding ring and asked me several times to put it on today. All I wanted to say was, what difference will it make? You were wearing yours while you were screwing prince charming at a motel, so they obviously didnt mean shit to you then but now our marriage is sacred territory? I guarantee she will be txting me all night giving me sad stories of how she misses me etc.. My indifference couldn't be greater at the moment.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, August 21st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sat here laughing tonight (honestly felt great) at some thoughts about re-entering the single life after my 1st stray wife and before I met my current stray....I'll save myself the typing just go to the following post

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=369371

Should crack a smile at my kinda luck....probably how I finally ended up with my current. After that shit "normal" felt GREAT!


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were wearing yours while you were screwing prince charming at a motel, so they obviously didnt mean shit to you then but now our marriage is sacred territory?

i get the same shit, zombieman, WW even bought me another band, she wears it as well as my old band. Never will another ring haunt my finger.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got to tell you, guys, it really does seem to me, we have it harder, then the BW's. They seem to get past the "it was just sex" part easier then we do. Of course, I don't think any of us, before this, would even object to our wives having an EA.

Anyway, this would go over like a lead balloon where the women read; when I finally got over the initial shock, I was on another relationship site, and the advice was the same, "take care of you" they all said. So I did. I did about an 8 month stint of fucking anything in a skirt. It was more for the ego, then for the heart, but it worked. After a while, a relationship started forming, I wasn't really trying too hard for this, which I think made her want it all the more, which pushed me farther away. It's really a vicious game . Anyway, all the while, WW is hearing about ole Jimi, and as the old saying goes, "wanting what she can't have". I don't suggest this as a 180, but more as a "if this is what you need to get you through", it's not unheard of.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think any of us, before this, would even object to our wives having an EA.

"EA" is bullshit. An EA is called a gay male friend. I could give a fuck that she confided her "troubles" to another man. When she spread her legs or opened her mouth it became problematic. The lies kind of suck too.

Stringing me along as her backup plan was kind of a shitty thing to do, too.

Funny thing is, I don't care anymore.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having sex with someone else was the one thing that helped me finally close the door on my X.

I waited a while and it was worth the wait


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the way i see it most women value the Emotional before the physical, so when their WH says it was just sex its easier to take. For us we both know that most women need the emotional in order to engage in the physical, and coupled with our tendance to associate with the phscial more storongly a WW's PA hurts us right at the core of our masculinity.


For me i was i guess a little bit off from the norm, the fact that my wife srewed at least 4 other guys wasnt the big thing, after all ididnt fall in love with a virgin and i sure didnt marry one, for me it was the betrayal of trust that hurt me, the lies, and that she had withdrown so far from me.... that cut me deeper than any physical action could.

cutting short...ill miss my running group if i dont head out now.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was the amount of time and energy my ex put in "trying" to keep me as the backup plan that eventually did me in... She told me it was over with the OM and she went on screwing him and me and making me think we were in R...

When I found out the real truth of the sitch.... That was it... Onto my own life...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am going to have to spend some time here for a while, boys. I've always been reluctant because, well, it's 27 pages for the love of God.

But being out in some of the other forums is really starting to piss me off. Check out the Fight Club thread in General for an example.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the thread, FoF.

I might have to read Fight Club, I'll put it on mental list.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

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