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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 27th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things i miss the most is knowing that there is someone that loves me absolutely for being me. Not because im their son, brother, or dad... but because they chose me

Well said...

I'm in mind fuck land again. Came home early from trip and wife wanted to go to lunch. Picked her up at her work. She came up and hugged me, kissed me, and said how much she missed me. Must have told me how glad she was that I was home again four or five times at lunch.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm the border without benefits - she comes home last nite @ 1.30 - black nickers have got white stains in them - unprotected sex again even after 1 termination - stupid bint!WTF

[This message edited by deeppurple at 1:42 AM, August 28th (Saturday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm the border without benefits - she comes home last nite @ 1.30 - black nickers have got white stains in them - unprotected sex again

A perfect example of how living together in limboland while still M'ed can destroy one's mental health. BTDT.

Hang tough, bro.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 10:20 AM, August 28th (Saturday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 29th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

limboland = hell


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
zombieman
♂ Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 29th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went back and read a few posts from betrayed men 4 and yip, same stuff we have been discussing here. Most WW have a sense of entitlement, rug sweep, blameshift same old shit. It's just unbelivable.

My WW is still in nice wife mode as long as I dont bring up the A, it's also all about if I still love her, um im not the one who crashed the M into a wall. When I do bring up the A, holy shit, the demon is unleashed - im a psycho, im f**ked in the head because im not moving on and dwelling and being negative (your whole family is negative blah blah blah...) Told me again the other night, i didnt think you would care about the A - I told her if she truly belived that why didnt she tell me - deer in the headlights look for a minute and then oh so we are back at the intergeration phase are we zombieman? your a psycho etc....

I just dont know what to think or expect anymore - I feel she will never give me true remorse, she will just be nice as long as I do everything as she wants it and we can have a happy M and pretend all this never happened. But it doesnt feel right - it feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing. Is there any point in telling her again and again that she needs to look inside herself and really think about why she did this? I just feel that if she doesnt understand the real reason why, not because I didnt paint the bedroom or whatever the hell it is this week, this shit could potentially happen again. Do I just wait and see what she does, do I push her... confused as always. I've been over this too many times in my head and on this forum but damn is it a total headf**k to live my life currently as im sure you all personally understand. I just feel like bashing my head against a wall some days.

deeppurple - man I feel for you brother. I hope you can stay strong throughout all this and just enjoy your kids as much as possible.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 29th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zombieman - thanks. Staying strong, 180 & hell yes I'm enjoying the time with my kids. Ive never been closer to them than I am now (the only plus) bit jeez its a total mind f%%&k.
Stay strong too Bro.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zombieman,

Thats a shitty situation for you, From what you describe it sounds like your W has things pretty well under control.

If you can reconcile yourself to not bringing up the A then at least in the short term you get to enjoy having your W around being nice and plesant.

My concern would be that firstly she realises how effective this strategy has been in this situation and learns to apply it to other points of contention between you. But the more pressing one for me would be that she hasnt changed at all, that in a year or two it will happen again.

Some guys would be happy with the return on what they give in such a situation, the underlying thing though is that the situation wont change significantly unless you do something to change it.

Stay strong...and be true to yourself.

@deeppurple, wtf dude! thats why even though its financially tough on me i moved out of the house.... there is no way i want to see that sort of stuff, its bad enough to know it could happen. I couldnt be the dad my kids deserve if i was having to live like that. If you can, then my hats off to you.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thyme2go asked what I see as my foreseeable future. I see limboland as my foreseeable future.

I know I should divorce her. She is not going to change. She is not going to "fall back in love" with me or show remorse or regret or make a commitment to rebuild our shattered marriage. She is going to sink deeper into her "poor me" world of "I had a such a crappy childhood". All she does now is yell at the kids, lock herself in her bedroom, write in her journal, and cycle through the Twilight books. So, yeah, she is not going to change, and I should divorce her.

But...

I, myself, am a child of divorce. My parents got divorced when I was 12, and now, 23 years later, I am still traumatized. I can't do that to my kids. I just can't. I can't poison their lives the way my parents poisoned mine.

And besides, I know what post-divorce life is like. If I divorce this wreck of a woman that I call my wife, I'll have to pay child support and hardly ever see my kids. I'll always have to maintain some kind of contact with my (ex)wife because of our kids. I'll date again, and I'll marry a thirty-something divorcee or widow with kids and baggage of her own. Or I'll find a thirty-something never-been-married woman that has her own bag of problems. Either way I'll have to deal with all of the "step" crap that comes along with second marriages. No thank you.

But the only other alternative is to live in limboland.

I have accepted that my wife is not going to change. But that acceptance has killed all of my hope for the future.

On my good days, I tell myself that having a bad wife is an opportunity to work on myself and perfect my character.

On my bad days, I think of what a relief it would be to go to sleep one night and just never wake up again.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD - its tough mate but IC agrees with my approach. WW is heading for emotional breakdown (just when?) but if I left it would validate her actions.Its my house i worked my guts out to pay for it I'm not moving to make her happy. Told her we are having a relationship hiatus until she comes back but Im not taking the easy way out & walking away. I lover her & the kids too much. I dont want to be a weekend dad.
That said it fucking hurts seeing her go out each friday nite & sunday arvo knowing shes meeting a gutless looser.
I guess I'm the adult in whats left of our relationship until her world collapses & we try to pick up the pieces of her life.

Love - an emotion that gives us much pleasure & a shitload of pain.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 5:32 AM, August 30th (Monday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep rereading zombieman and deeppurples posts. Damn. Too many parallels and some tangents too.

I dont know if this is prgress or if I am buying into too much.

My wife gets upset everytime I bring up the affair, she says she thinks about it all day long and doesnt want to come home and talk about it at night after the kids go to bed. She has been saying for 6 weeks how she wants to work on things but up until the other night she refuesed to verbalize any of the things she needed to work on becuase "i've said how fucked up she is over the past three years so much she already knows"....

Well, she finally came up with a partial list when we were talking which included helping around the house, spending more time with the kids, more family time in general, less her her her. few more items but I feel like she missed the point of less selfish behavior which is where all of the listed items derive from.

She still hasnt completely acknowledged her role in our marriage let alone taken responsibility for her affair. In her words, for the umpteenth time, she's sorry she hurt me but she isnt sorry becuase for the first time in forever so and so gave her attention and she felt good about herself etc etc etc....I had to leave the shit was piling up too high

For the most part seems like she just wants to maintain status quo.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsngold
Get out of my head.

I wonder if their is just a point you just do not care at all.

Good or bad they have some reason to stay who knows. I think all of us at times waste too much time rying to figure them out. My wife absolutely makes no sense and any logic aruguement is pointless.

And the fear is the kids. Shit I wish beyond wish I would have known before they were born. I could ahve had the kids with anybody. She was an egg donor nothing more.

I think the struggle of limbo land is too much at times. I feel like shit all the time as she is the same person she was during the affair and I still sit with unmet needs.

I have tried it all and I think I am cruising towards a 180 way far out just to protect my sanity.

I cannot pretend I have a M and not get anything from the M. It hurts way too much.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeh. we all have the same WW. and we all have the same stories. Probably no coincidence we are all HERE at SI eh?

IMHO most WW if placed in the same situ will cheat again. Yeh. Mr. Jaded here. They all act in they own self interest. So if they have the opportunity to cheat again AND they think they can REALLY get away with it. Then they will do it again. They are better at it now because they are practiced at the techniques of deception.

And you know. Its fucking hopeless. Because if we D. Any one we meet will probably do the same.

I am coming upon 14 years since Dday#1 and 4 years since Dday#2.

Some ask me why I didnt leave after Dday#2. It were because I had only circumstantial evidence. And of course she denied (still denies) any contact. I confronted. She denied. But I dont believe her. If she can lie. She will. We all know that drill.

As some one who has taken permanent residence in limbo land. (may be I should run for mayor) I can tell you that you can live and have a modicum of happyness there.

Limbo land will kill you soul. But who need a soul any way?

Have some fun. Buy a Harley. Get a tattoo. You kids will love it. You WW will absolutely HATE it - and this is the reward we get for this behavior.

One of the things i miss the most is knowing that there is someone that loves me absolutely for being me. Not because im their son, brother, or dad... but because they chose me.

This was a illusion. We never had this. We only thought / wished we did. And the truth is we will never have it. Even the illusion of it is gone for us.

i'm the border without benefits - she comes home last nite @ 1.30 - black nickers have got white stains in them - unprotected sex again

This is beyond toxic. You WW is pushing you OUT of limbo land. This is beyond the border. Dont know what to tell you. But some thing has to be done about this.

I just dont know what to think or expect anymore - I feel she will never give me true remorse, she will just be nice as long as I do everything as she wants it and we can have a happy M and pretend all this never happened. But it doesnt feel right - it feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing.

This has been me life for the past 14 years.

Late next month me and WW will be going out to the city where OM lives and where much of her LTA happen. And I am internally debating whether to bring up question about the LTA while there. She will of course be playing Mrs.PerfectWife. So by bringing it up I will be Mr.JadedBadGuy. But god. some of these questions just haunt me. But I know she will just go into the litany of *I dont remember*. So whats the point.

I think I need another motorcycle and another tattoo. Fuck this world.

On my bad days, I think of what a relief it would be to go to sleep one night and just never wake up again.

Thats me. Every god damned day.

Razor

[This message edited by Razor at 10:27 AM, August 30th (Monday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading Razors, zombiemans, and deep purples post....shit.

Guess thats what my ramblings are about.
1) I dont think she will ever show remorse
2) We live in this status quo shit where nothings going to change, and she wants to pretend we're happy
3) I'm wrong for everything
4) Can't leave the kids with her in a D becuase, yes, she is that fucked up
5) to get the kids in a D in California, I'd have outrank the Pope
6) I have gone to bed MANY times wishing it was lights out for good.

Last night we got into bed, and she sniggled up against me. I just laid there and she asked me what was wrong. Decided snapping her neck wasnt going to solve anything so I said nothing, just thinking, then rolled over and went to sleep


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, you don't have to live like this. I know you think you are doing the right thing.

You deserve better, your kids deserve better, and even your WW's deserve better in life.

All of you living in misery helps no one. Make the decision and leave.

there is no honor in this kind of suffering.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zombieman your exactly right about entitlement etc. I wanted to R. My xw filed for D right away. Best thing she ever did for me. She did it because she was too lazy to fix what is broken.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The issue for many of us is this.

We know D NO DOUBT. But the kids.

The lakc of fault is BS. My M is directky a result of her actions.

Does that decrease trhe chance of being a weekend dad NO.

Razor and oftenwrong you guys are VERY close to the same thing because you guys are right. You dont have to live like this so if you stay with ... wife is not teh correct term ... just take damn good care of yourself because your whatever never will.

Without therapy and some deep insight on their side everything you believe about them bad is 100% true because actions speak, words mean shit.

In a way to stay in this stitch you need to do a big fuck you and just honestky not give a fuck.

Damn it i wish i could find a thread I think it was called 4 years and I am done. We are all playing the exact same script.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some advice.

We are divorced, but still tied together financially and living under the same roof (except for e/o weekend when she goes off to shack up with The Love of Her Life (not the OM)).

Anyway, she's going back to school in a week. Good for her, except that she is no longer putting the money into our joint account that we need to pay our bills. She doesn't seem to care that there's a court-filed stipulated agreement stating she will put in X amount each paycheck, no she's going to do what she wants.

I'd bring a contempt proceeding but you cannot get blood from a stone. What good would it do? It's not like she's sitting on a pile of cash.

The house isn't selling. We've knocked the price down by $15K. It's still not selling. If we closed today, for list price, we'd clear about 5K.

XWW is proposing that we rent instead. I don't want the headache of being a landlord. So, she's proposed that she refinance the house into her name only (not sure how she'll manage this miracle, but okay) and then I sign away my interest in the property.

Basically, I walk away with nothing. But I don't take on the hassle and risk of being a landlord.

Any thoughts?


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a Win Win situation to me. If she can come up with the financing to the situation you just described, dont walk away, RUN.

And look at the bright side - The "love of her life" just financed your anchor away, and you're a free man. She wont be your problem anymore


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess the only thing holding me back is do I really sacrifice my proceeds? Even if they only end up being a couple grand.

I've already given this bitch so much with the settlement.

On the other hand - you're right. It's a chance to just be done. It's only money.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 30th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 3 months out from dday so Im not rushing to make any decisions. Ive considered the options & there impact taking into consideration what i have gleaned from her secret diary.

I choose to stay in limboland at the moment; my choice but i have my timeline & im prepared to live with that at the moment.

I work on me & my happiness & if she misses the ride then so be it - i tried.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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