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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
played-a-fool
♂ Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ready-to-run, do not feel like the two years you spent on R was waisted. In reality you did a very honorable thing by trying to stay together and you are not the schmuck. Don't forget that the two of you made vows on your wedding day and it is never wrong to try to keep them. You aren't the one with serious character flaws, you tried to do the right thing. You can't force her to do the right thing and at some point you have to cut and run. And you're right. They stray, we pay. It does suck.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question Gentlemen:

So I have read time and again on here that only us as individuals can decide when we have had enough of our respective situations.

My problem is that I go back and forth with this on a daily basis. I started 8 weeks ago saying I wouldnt make any drastic decisions right away, and after signing on to this site decided the one year mark was probably realistic and a good place to reassess everything and make a rational decision.

But within the course of a day, my emotions and the little bastard voice in my head yell to get the hell out of here, and the other voice keeps saying stick to the plan, she is taking baby steps, just give her time.

I'm going NUTTS here. I've started wondering if I'm not bi-polar or multiple personality or some kind of crazy.

For those who stuck it out in R, is this normal or should I check myself into the local mental ward immediately?

I need to burn off this stress. Excercising worked great for a couple of weeks. But the only thing working out has done for me in the past week is I pulled something in my neck and shoulder 4 days ago and I'm walking around like retarded bobble head with a bent spring! Maybe I'm just bent in the head?

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 3:15 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may D as well.

But you know what. It was NOT wasted brother. You had two more years to bond with your precious little girls.

Sure if I end up D I could always say i should have D'd two and half years ago.

But then i look at all the things I did with my children and take half those memories away.

You had extra time and allowed your kids to know without a doubt you are their daddy.

And look at the other side. You are now free of your WW BS and can give your kids and YOURSELF the attention that you all need.

Stay strong. You will be better in the end.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtingAndLost,

Glad you have a sense of humor about it.

Limbo was excruciating for me as well. It felt like a war was raging inside of me, and I didn't know which side to take. These opposing voices in my end would just go back and forth, back and forth, getting nowhere.

In my case, it was gut vs. heart. My mind as a reasoning tool was absolutely fucking useless; it just rationalized the louder voice in my head.

So, it just came down to which voice was the strongest, which voice would not give ground. My gut was always incredibly consistent, while my heart just flopped all over the place. My gut finally won out and I divorced her.

Do you have a "gut" feeling about it, some sense of inevitability about the outcome? In my experience, the gut cannot be ignored, and the heart is an idiot.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have read time and again on here that only us as individuals can decide when we have had enough of our respective situations.

My problem is that I go back and forth with this on a daily basis. I started 8 weeks ago saying I wouldnt make any drastic decisions right away, and after signing on to this site decided the one year mark was probably realistic and a good place to reassess everything and make a rational decision.

But within the course of a day, my emotions and the little bastard voice in my head yell to get the hell out of here, and the other voice keeps saying stick to the plan, she is taking baby steps, just give her time.

I'm going NUTTS here. I've started wondering if I'm not bi-polar or multiple personality or some kind of crazy.

For those who stuck it out in R, is this normal or should I check myself into the local mental ward immediately?

BTDT, have the shirt!

Perfectly normal! Upon Dday I made up my mind to wait one year before deciding which path I was going to follow. Seven months later xww filed for D and made up my mind for me.

We generally advice waiting one year for the very reason you describe -- your emotions will be all over the place every single day and many times over.

Just focus on you and year health for now. You need all of your wits to pull yourself through this as there is no way around it... you must go through it.

Hang in here, bro.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtandLost... Completely normal to waffle around. I did this; Each morning I promised myself I could last today. I repeated this exercise over and over each morning for about the entire first year. You take it a day at a time. You bet your ass there were many days I decided to divorce, but I respected my morning promise. By the next morning, that D feeling had receded enough to make it one more day... on and on it went. In the meantime, watch and hold onto those things that make you happy for a moment. Revel in that good before your brain drags you back down. After a time, you can hold onto it longer until you have what youíd consider a good day, then someday it will be a week, then.... This has nothing to do with your WW... Itís about you finding happiness to get you to the next day as you ride out the storm of emotion caused by the affair and buys time for healing. At some point though you may hit your own wall were you no longer can see any progress.... enter the lethal plain of flatness......

Razor, good post! I agree they hit this point where they think they are done. Hereís the thing: They donít control that! You can keep it alive in the marriage. Iíve got my own damn voice to let her know Iím not ďover itĒ yet. She canít disagree; She isnít me and I donít give her the control to say when Iím done talking about the affair and the marriage! Doesnít mean sheíll do squat about it, but I can let her know the ramifications of that inaction: Iíll start distancing to heal myself without her. She understands where that road ends with me: Divorce. She either reacts in a helpful manner, or I start setting in motion ďthe exitĒ.

Really the only control either person has in a relationship over the other is the power to end it.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
lostbroken
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Member # 23940
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if your wife is truly remorseful, despises the OM and had N/C from dday on other than the N/C letter, she has been successful and continues to work out her issues that lead to the affair.
Say she respects me more than anyone on the planet for staying with her, regrets her encounters with the OM and the affair as a whole so much it makes her sick. Etc.. Etc...

And I still feel like crap when I think about her with him. I'ts gotta be a total male thing. She never told him she loved him or anything like that. Their talk was 95% just texting chit chat and when they did see each other it was just "party/escapism" far away from our home and even she was done with it after it went too far physically.

I still totally dig the girl, we have an amazing past together and get along great. It's really like the affair was all her worst issues in life finally coming to a head and she is really working them out and even succeeding. I want to stay with her and really do still love her.

Sometime I think I just gotta suck it up and deal but man it still really bites when I think of her with him even now. I was hoping there would be a good coping mechanism for dealing, especially when she is out of town, which is how the only encounters with the OM happened.

[This message edited by lostbroken at 4:15 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2009
longsadstory1952
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Member # 29048
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just some general thoughts for LB and H&L. Yes, every M will stand or fall on its own merits. Yes, a few months is usually not enough time to make a life change. Yes, remorse or lack thereof can be a factor. Yes, it makes a difference if it is a ONS or a LTA. Yes, TT, rug sweeping, blame shifting will delay R. Yes, not knowing what is "really" the truth can be a killer. Yes, kids are a cmplicating factor. Yes, you can feel like you are rewarding her if you R and that she will never see justice.

Having said that what is most important is what you at the end of the day feel you need. If you decide to D base upon a ONS that is ok. If you want to R after a 6 yr LTA, that is ok.

Here's how I see it. 2/3 of Ms with cheating end in D. So if you are evne thinking of Ring you are something of an elite. But that doesn't mean you have to follow through on R if it is making you physically or mentally ill. Look at it this way, given what you have been through, no one is entitled to find you wanting if you try to R and can't whether its 4 days or 4 years. All you can do is go with your heart.

You might take a look at the posts of Rastaman on this issue in JFO. It's sort of a journey from DDay to D in something like 6 months. He is pretty straightforward on his reasons for choosing D, which boil down to him knowing he can not get past knowing that his wife was physical with another man.


Posts: 357 | Registered: Jul 2010
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostbroken.

As was said. No one can decide this but you. At the end of the day you not only have to live with you WW - but you must also live with you self as well. Oftimes I think the later is more difficult.

Some times cheating is just a deal breaker. And there is nothing a WS can do to change that. They can be the model WS. Yet it can still be a deal breaker for you.

And you are not at fault with this. People may try and put blame on you. But the fault lies on you WW. Not you. She cheated. You didnt. She may be wonderful afterward. But that dont take away the act. And the act is the deal breaker. You are not bad or wrong for walking away.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Ready_to_run
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Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support, guys. I DO understand the benefits of not making a knee jerk decision and taking time to process everything completely before deciding to R or D. But, at some level I just can't help feeling like a fool for trying so long before pulling the plug for good.

Lostbroken, I completely understand what you are feeling. I read posts all the time in the Wayward forum from extremely distraught and remorseful women who just can't believe they could do something so aweful. It just amazes me! I want to say so badly "THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO IT?!?!?" I still don't get it. I definitely think it makes it even harder when the betrayal comes from someone that it is just so out of character for them to do something like that. It's like it just makes you question your own reality and judgement of everything at that point.

I wish there was something to say to make you feel better. But, I just wanted you to know that someone understands what you are going through and feeling. Keep reading and posting!

[This message edited by Ready_to_run at 6:31 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain of the betrayal has long term, lingering effects that will not just "disappear" once you decide to either D or R.

I try to coach myself at moments when I am at either extreme mentally battling what to do. As I have had the misfortune to be in this boat a second time with my second wife, I have both REALLY bad judgement in women apparently, AND the hindsight of what to expect.

The difference this time around is that when confronted, this one confessed. She knew my stance and she's in as much shock I think as I am that I am still here.

The first time around, I was in denial about the first one, didnt find out about number two or three until after D, and when she shacked up with number 4 I called her out, dropped the dime to her whole family (#4 is an in-law), and kicked her sorry ass to the curb. To this day, she still denies everything (even though she's still with number 4).

Becuase the dynamics are somewhat different I chose to try and stay and see if things could be salvaged this time around. But I also know that this will consume my conscience for years to come.

My ex and I split in 03. The shit still ate at me through 05 and probably early 06. Now I think about it too but for different reasons; now its more of an oh shit, if two women think this way, maybe I really am just a worthless piece of shit. Maybe my standards, morals and personal values arent worth a damn. I know better, but the thought still creeps in.

I was able to burn off a lot of this self doubt early on with the ex. I was Active Duty Army and a Plt Sgt, so the job kept me focused. After hours I burned off stress at the gym, and unfortunately for a while at the bars. That part was pretty much all about self destruction and I'm not talking about the alcohol.

The point to this ramble is that no matter the choice, it just plain sucks. My reasons for sticking around are perhaps more of an attempt to salvage some trust and middle ground where even if this M doesnt work out we can at least part with mutual respect and not have the rediculous Ex relationship that my Xwife and I have. As I know from my current situation, I cant fight two wars on two fronts forever.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
lostcause111
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put me in the house of the only reason I am still here is the kids.

Their is a window. A window right away were their is shock and a WW can step to the plate. Universally the guys here just about to a T the WW has failed.

I had three weeks of remorse and she gave up. IC MC whatever has not changed shit.

But a lot has changed in me.

I will no longer let the A or my very flawed WW take anymore life from me.

Being with her can I ever have a real intimate true relationship. NO.

Do I define myself by her anymore? FUCK NO> She is a liar and cheater with mental issues.

I take what i have good. My kids, good friends, a decent job, good hobbies and define my life with those.

I am in a shell and it does feel good.

As it stands right now at least for me I feel like it is a trade. Kids not in my house everyday vs being with a woman who I no longer love.

I think for myself the rest of this year is going to be the decicive point. Everyday even at 2+ years out I debate D vs not. I am concluding this in my mind.

being in this middle limbo bullshit is not worth the pain it causes.

My brother BH's here. I only have one huge point of advice. grab you balls live lufe and never take shit again. Either your wife wakes up or it ends. Their is no other path.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Yep me too
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Member # 29385
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, thanks for the effort you have put into these posts. The different perspectives are helpful and thought provoking.

I'm about 1.5 years past D day and even though she has done everything I could ask I don't think I love her anymore but the kids are holding me back.

I just wanted everyone to know that your contributions are helpful and I thank you.

Now back to stewing...


Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2010
teedoff
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Member # 29152
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great bunch of thoughts. It is truly an awful situation no matter which course of action you decide to take.

I have moved full steam ahead with D from the beginning. It has been a mixed blessing. On one hand, I loved my wife, was always faithful and it crushes me that she didn't value us enough to do the same.

Having said that, I truly felt like hanging around and hoping things would change would make me regret the time spent. I don't want to constantly have to check her e-mail, cell phone logs, etc. I see that advice a lot here as part of "transparancy". I relate that a lot to being a parent.

As my daughters grow up, I want to protect them from everything: boys, smoking, drugs, whatever. However, I realize that there will one day come a time where I have to let them go on there own out in the world and trust them to make the right decisions. It is part of their development as human beings.

So for me to now take this hyper vigilant role of reviewing my wife's movements it became clear that I would never be trusting of her again. How long does the transparancy period last? 6 months, a year, forever?

And when it does end, how would I feel then? Would I ever be able to feel comfortable with her going out, texting on her phone, playing around on Facebook? The answer was NO.

Therefore, I filed immediately citing Adultery and cannot wait for this to be over with. I think life is too short to burn years waiting for something to change that probably won't. Like the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.


Me: 39

STBXW: 37

3 daughters: 12, 10 and 6

This sucks, but I deserve better. To my future significant other, trust is the best quality you can have. Period.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Mid Atlantic
WhenWillItEnd
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Member # 12439
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys,

Need some help and wisdom, my brother is going thru something similar as his wife is having A while still married to my brother. My brother is waiting for her to come back from abroad and then present her with divorce. As of now, no lawyers or anything yet.

They have two kids ,3 and 6, and he wants to keep custody of both kids. He is the main bread winner and all the bills are under his names along with the house.

She got alot of bad attributes so I will leave it at that. So going fwd with the divorce, is documenting what he does on a daily basis, pick up children, spend time with them important or showing that she is an unfit mother more appropriate? Which will be a better tactic overall?

Thanks, i posted this in the divorce/separation but nada for response.


Posts: 63 | Registered: Oct 2006
played-a-fool
♂ Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whenwillitend, my state is a no fault divorce state. The A makes no difference at all in wheather the D will be granted but it could make a difference in the custody of the children. He should absolutely show the court all that he does with the children. On the other hand, at least in my state, the fact that he is the primary bread winner may cost him a bit. If he wins custody of course he won't have to pay CS but he will most likely have to pay alimony. I learned all of this during a meeting I had with an attorney the other day so I would suggest that he meet with one and find out exactly what he will be facing and what to expect. Unfortunately in my state the courts lean heavily in the mother's favor when it comes to custody. It sucks because that's saying that us husbands aren't good parents even though we didn't break the vows we made and leave our family for a romp in the sack with some other man. He really needs to meet with a lawyer and get educated.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which will be a better tactic overall?

IMHO, the meanest, lowest, nastiest, family law lawyer around is his best bet.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think life is too short to burn years waiting for something to change that probably won't. Like the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Thought I could change my WW after we first married. Thought she would change for the better after the A's were discovered. I was wrong on both counts. Now that we're discussing S/D she says we won't need attorneys but can do it ourselves and save money. Won't get fooled again.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
lostbroken
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Member # 23940
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a real killer for me, my wife has changed for the better and the things that lead to her affair were issues she has battled since long ago. Not the cheating of course, that was new.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser staying with her. Other times I feel like am just being incredibly compassionate and understanding. It's really tough, in some ways I wish she would not have been so remorseful, it would have made my choice a lot easier.

I know I do want to be with her, I just don't want to feel like such a sucker for staying.

Quite a trap I've found myself in...

[This message edited by lostbroken at 4:34 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2009
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostbroken:

With ya Bro. Minus the incredible remorse and change thing. Just sitting here 9 weeks after Dday makes me feel like a pussy.

I even asked my WW if she expected me to stick it out after Dday, and she said this isnt at all what she expected.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

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