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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I feel like such a loser staying with her. Other times I feel like am just being incredibly compassionate and understanding.

I think that pretty much sums it up for most of us guys dealing with this.

I guess the part of me that felt like a loser for staying with a cheating wife won out because in about 16 hours I will be single again. But, I certainly would never look down on a guy that wanted to stay and work on saving his M...especially if there are kids involved.

I personally couldn't do it because I don't believe I ever got the whole story from her and I got sick of hearing her justifications.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good luck tomorrow, RTR.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
lostbroken
♂ New Member
Member # 23940
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm at about one and half years since I found out, well 85% of it, of course the first three months trickled the last 15%.

Yet, I still struggle with it after all this time. I will admit it's not as hard day to day as it used to be in the beginning but it still sucks.

No kids here, so it's just about me and her for the most part. But am 100% sure I got the whole story, with out that I don't think I could have made it. Her 100% honesty has been a big deal for me and a lot of why I've stayed.

I think sometimes I am looking for a way of thinking about things to feel better about it all. Sometimes I can get close but never all the way.

[This message edited by lostbroken at 5:03 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2009
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think at times I got the truth, but at other times I wonder.

When confronted (She was still on trip to Phoenix), she broke down and confessed. A couple of weeks ago, I finally broached the question on the actual "acts" and number of times, and I THINK she was honest.

But then I look at her, I watch her, and I think back to when we first hooked up, and I wonder. So I just dont know. And it kills me.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 5:15 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
lostbroken
♂ New Member
Member # 23940
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah that is how I felt those first 3 months. It seemed plausible what she said happened yet it just didn't sit 100%. So I kept pushing and eventually I get the final "reveal" about 3 months later. Although the left out parts where not that big of a deal really in the big picture. Still, this was almost the end for me because I knew we had start all over and the first 3 months of hell where now in a way disqualified. I think that whole event was her big awakening in a lot of ways.

Man after all this effort I want to see this thing work out.

[This message edited by lostbroken at 5:25 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2009
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you have days where you are just faking your happiness because you know your WW is happy and you know she can't handle hearing about the A anymore?

She tells me how good things are going right now and I am glad she is happy.

I fake it half the time though. To be honest, a lot of the time when we cuddle my mind is at the affair. :(

Even at work.

I have gotten to a stage where I can function again at work (at about 70% the level I did before), so its no longer "all consuming", but it feels this is going to take a really long time to forget.

Also, we don't have kids. And she says she wants kids in a few years. But I am so turned off by the idea of having kids with her.


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

virtualv.

I would delay the kid thing. Dont know your age. But having kids with a WW... if she still has issues or lacks remorse or any of that stuff. You could be setting youself up for huge heartache.

Allot of us guys stay in the M for the sake of our kids. Without that allot of us would have been gone and happy by now.

Just saying. Consider this REALLY carefully before agreeing to anything. THEN consider it again.

Razor.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of you bring a contempt hearing against your X due to failure to comply with J&D?

We have a temporary arrangement for finances till the house rents or sells. It hasn't, and she's not paying close to what she should. I am considering bringing her to court but am not sure how that would go.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Virtualv:

Sorry to say I'm in your boat. She wants to cuddle almost every night now, and I find myself welcoming it sometimes, but thinking about the A ALL THE TIME. So yeah, I paste the smile on my face and pretend.

She see's through it at times and asks what can she do. Short of going back in time and undoing shit there's not much I can think of right now so I keep my mouth shut.

My performance at work has definitely taken a hit; after 9 weeks I might be up to 25% of what I used to put out, and I struggle to get that much done.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

V
I know the feeling. I put my happy face on everyday so she doesnt see how much it consumes me. Work is much better 3 months out (almost lost my job) but everyday is a battle to focus on the tasks at hand without drifting to the A.
To those getting hugs I wish it was me - midlife meltdown continues - the volcano exploded again last nite @ the kids - she is so fucked up its painful to watch someone self destruct before your eyes.Also appears that the fantasy escape of the affair isnt so good afterall - lol


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, 64. I hope the D goes smoothly so I can finally put this in the past. Not really looking forward to it though.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
BrokenHead
♂ Member
Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIMBOLAND POLL:

Please ring on this for those whose are still M, WW's are NOT actively in an A and NOT really R'ing in any significant way:

1. Do you have sex?
2. Do you sleep in the same bed?
3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)?
4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)?
5. Talk about your future together?
6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)?
7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)?

It seems to me there is a large variations in the disposition of our collective limbolands, I just wondered where most people are at...


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2009
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish we could do real surveys here. Ive seen some forum sites where you can - but those are newer sites that use a boiler plate (paid) service for running the forum. SI being older was built from scratch by MH. And may I add that he did a damned good job.

To you survey questions.

1. Do you have sex?
Yes. We are up to 1 per week now which is much more than usual.
This has me suspicious.

2. Do you sleep in the same bed?
Yes.
3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)?
Yes.
4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)?
No. We never speak of the A. It just remain there in the back ground.
5. Talk about your future together?
Only in the most vague terms.
6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)?
Intimacy level = about 25%
7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)?
In November it will be 14 years since Dday#1.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Do you have sex?

yes about once a week / 10 days

2. Do you sleep in the same bed?

yes

3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)?

not really, a few lunches

4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)?

Yeah rightrefer to my post of UPDATE: struggling in general forum

5. Talk about your future together?

NO..She tries and I change the subject or dont reply

6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)?

15%, much more than in the past two years leading up to her spreading her legs for strange dick

7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)?

Only 9 weeks out from Dday

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 10:04 AM, September 17th (Friday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Do you have sex?
It's been months

2. Do you sleep in the same bed?
Not since 1998

3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)?
No

4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)?
Rarely and only if I push for a conversation.

5. Talk about your future together?
Lately it's been about S/D but other than that, no.

6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)?
5%
7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)?
16 years


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Do you have sex? yes, when she wants it-I seldom want it
2. Do you sleep in the same bed? yes-nowhere else to sleep
3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)? no
4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)? hell no
5. Talk about your future together? nope
6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)? not really-talk abt her day etc-superficial stuff/kids
7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)?
damn near 3


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Do you have sex?
No, been at least a year or longer.

2. Do you sleep in the same bed?
No, She sleeps with my 3 year old

3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)?
Yes, part of MC, also realized it was one of our issues.

4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection?
Yes and no, some issue have it. Some are just wait, watch and we'll see. On the A itself lots of discussion after D-Day, not so much now unless I bring it up.

5. Talk about your future together?
Yes, but it always feels shaky and in doubt. Just being optimistic.

6. Share any level of intimacy?
Intimacy level = about 25%

7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)?
Only 3 months so far.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
BrokenHead
♂ Member
Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I should answer my own poll :-)

1. Do you have sex? Not in a year
2. Do you sleep in the same bed? No
3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)? No
4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)? We've made a little progress in being civil but clearly everything for the last 20 years is my fault (boy is she NPD)
5. Talk about your future together? No
6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)? 0% She wants me to R all by myself
7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)? 13 months


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2009
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VirtualV, I feel a lot like you. I'm doing the 180, working on myself. I feel 10 years younger, been working out and on myself. Still have a ways to go, but I'm confident I'll get there.

When it comes to the M, I just am watching to see how things play out. I've accepted the possible outcomes and am just going along for the ride at the moment.

While I appear pleasant and happy, I am torn apart inside. I don't show it, but it's there. Work is tough too, I check this site daily to cope with my thoughts. The new normal is tough, but I cope as best as I can.

My wife did not come home last night, she came home around 8 this morning. Her boss is shutting down offices, so she's doing crazy hours. Still that's unusual, she says she drank too many red bulls and was with her girl friend. I kind of believe her, but at this point who knows? It could just be BS. Anyways, I keep working on myself.

This is the limbo I live in.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DFW,

I am a BS who's wife's favorite way to have sex with OM was to 'have a girls night out and then spend the night at her girlsfirends place'...

Yea... Right.

So keep in mind my scar is very deep when it comes to 'my wife not coming home and making up the: i drank to much excuse'.

But man i feel extreme anxiety in my gut reading your message.
Its extremely inappropriate for your wife to not come home. Esp. since she is a WW.

Very disrespectful and it sounds like doing a very hard 180 is the way you should go.

If my WW did that to me at this stage in our R. I would immediately leave and fill for D. I dont even care if she was telling the truth or not.

Just the fact she makes me remember her 'girlsnight out' would be enough reason for me to leave.

But like I said. I have a very emotional scar from that and you should not take what I say as advice you should follow.

My WW has been out of the fog for 5 months or so. So if you WW has never fully left the fog yet, doing the 180 might be worth a try.

Once they leave the fog though and you have done some MC, there is zero tolerance in my book for continuing to act like a teenager and rip your spouse's heart out like that.

I feel really bad for you!


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
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