Ideally you want a meal that is pretty much evenly balanced between carbs, protein, and fat. This helps ensure that your energy levels will stay up throughout the entire run.... if you just eat carbs you may find yourself running low after a while.
I liked to have a peanut butter with sultana sandwich a couple of hours before.
Another thing that might help is to not let your mind wander untill after youve successfully established your rythem.
ps under 100 minutes... thats a pretty good result in anyones book,
As to seperation... where i live its a 1 year minimum and 3 years minimum if the D is contended...I dont actually think thats wrong, Id not be ready to do anything within that year anyway...
I do have a question though, what do you guys understand under the term seperation... what is a seperation to you? What is allowed, what not...Im asking because my FWW's IC, our former MC, suggested to her in her last session that we should seperate... both of us were a bit flabergasted at the suggestion...
However, in the state where I live, separation is a non-legal situation. You are either married or divorced. My WW and I tell people we are separated, because we live apart, but term has no legal bearing here.
That's about the extent of my knowledge. I'm sure others can give more substantial descriptions.
BS (me) 47
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved
I can't say how it works in other states. The funny part is that my lawyer just told me that we could sign the declaration and that the courts don't typically question it. wink wink included.
Given the information you have provided it is difficult to tell. Your lawyer has to guide you here. She may have been trying to figure out a way to really stick it to you and finally her lawyer convinced her that she probably would not get what she wanted. That she is just wasting time and money. So she chose to save the money and get to the D more quickly.
Your lawyer has to provide you the feedback. If he/she does not feel like you are getting screwed and that the agreement is fair then you are covered.
Legally you can be living in the same house and still be seperated, and if both parties agree you could sign a declaration that backdates teh legal seperation...
But thats not really what im getting at... does seperation mean to you still trying for R... still seeing each other... or is it mean one step away from divource...ie leading completely seperate lives (as much as any children will allow)?
so to clarify... my question is less about what consititutes a seperation legally and more to do with what do you personally consider a seperation...
For the purposes of satisfying a legal requirement of the courts you have to separate for a period of time. If you decide to reconcile you can stop your D procedures in court.
I guess it really depends on the two of you. If, right now, she is not in the game and basically ignoring your efforts for R, then I think you know the answer.
But if she is sitting on the fence, you are the one faced with the decision. Do you want to sit back and let her cake eat at your expense physically and emotionally?
In my case I did not file for divorce until I knew it was over. But at the same time I had agreement to also sign the declaration that we were not living together as man and wife for the previous six months. So my D was final three weeks later.
Again, my view is that the separation is just a legal requirement and has no bearing on your ability to R or D. This is really more a question of how much pain you can take in the hopes that she "comes to her senses" and also the fear that you might have that if you legally separate that you have no chance of R.
I also have to add that you need to consider whether this will be contested. If so, do you really want to wait three years to be rid of her? If you think this is going to be contested you need to file immediately and start that clock. Even better would be to gain agreement to backdate the separation to the exact date you can both agree that you no longer acted as man and wife. That might be six months ago or longer depending on how long she has been in her affair
I have not posted in a short while but I felt the need today. For the last 7 weeks I have been after WW to sit down and do an agreement with me so we can move onto the D. She has been telling me its in the hands of her lawyer and would not sit down with me. Last night she came home and asked me if I would be interested in sitting down and doing an agreement. She sat down and was actually polite and non argumentative. We came to an agreement, she told me she would submit it to her lawyer to type up. Then if we agree her lawyer would then file, the good thing here is she is paying for all the expensive stuff.
I will just have my lawyer read it over.
My problem is I cannot understand is why the sudden change of heart, I strongly believe she is up to something but for the life of me cannot think of what that would be. It is a complete 180 from her previous actions.
Anyone else get a WW who suddenly turned like this?????
We both are back and forth on the separation. When I focus on WTF is going on in her head, and how I could be with someone who did something like this, I start to think I would be better off with some time alone for myself too. Then I think about our kids, and how I would feel like I would be abandoning them ... She probably gets encouraged by some bullshit St. Motherfucker comes up with, or maybe too overridden with guilt about how she is impacting me, and then she thinks about telling the kids ...
And in VA, legal separation is more than just no sex - it's no meals together, no sharing duties and chores. I have been in a different bedroom for some time, even before the affair. She claimed it was because her libido left when she was nursing our kids, but now it seems like something more. I wanted her to pursue counseling for it, with or without me, but she resisted for some time. I think she found that her libido returned with St. Motherfucker, and that has messed her up even more.
And, thx on the sub-100 compliment. Always wanted to qualify for Boston, but doing that twice seems awfully tough. Better weather, and more than 2 hours of sleep the night before, might help.
My WW actually answered one of my questions about why she had her LTPA by saying "because he was so nice and kind and good to me". When I asked her if she thought that it might have something to do with the fact that every time he was soooooo nice to her he knew he was going to get laid with no strings attached, she said "no it was because he really liked her and made her feel good." I asked her if she thought she was his only conquest and then I asked her if she thought it would be the same if he had to live with her full time like I do. Got no answer to that one.
Of coarse the “story” she tells me. “I know what you are going through. I’ve been lied to as well and cheated on. I was manipulated. It was never about the sex. I liked how he looked at me and how I saw myself in his eyes.... it was like he’d do anything for me. I started talking to my XBF because he lived to far away to really contemplate sex. I was ready to move on and the (EA partner) helped me see that.” Seriously.. If I hadn’t discovered the condoms, that EA would be poking her now..... He too was trying to get in her pants, so of coarse she should dump PA and BH and come on over....
So, we’ve had it out. I’ve called her out on her bs and won’t tolerate it anymore. Now she’s in the stage where she’s trying to R without really addressing her core issues or full truth. Not sure how long I will last, but at least I’m fully awake now.
Who knows if she’s a high function BPD or a narcisist... I think most women work like that regardless.
"In no way should I have let myself be compromised by someone with obviously no morals or ethics".
I kid you not... I'm thinking of getting a t-shirt with those words immortalised on the front for my morally sound and ethically unchallenged WS to wear.
I think that image speaks for all of us.
"In no way should I have let myself be compromised by someone with obviously no morals or ethics".
Dude, I came to a new realization tonight. I was just thinking about my WW, and fantasizing about different confrontations we might have (yes, I know, I'm such a girl. I learned this shit from her.)
And it took me to a weird place, somehow. Regardless how I feel about us, and how she might try to tangle her affair up with the issues we had in our marriage, when I realized she has crossed a line she can't even justify, is when I realized she stole her good friend's husband, a child's father, and the husband of her own daughter's godmother (yes, it's complicated).
She's disgusting, and has done so many things wrong. I keep getting to this place where I feel OK about her. I need her out of my life. I have let myself become attached to her, but I need her away from me, and out of my life. She has compromisd my morals.
[This message edited by jasper at 8:48 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]
I figure if you have come to such a realisation and are content in your self in breaking that connection, you'll have advanced that little bit further down that long road of recovery.
Personally, I think your morals are sound - you have no problem there. Never thought of someone else compromising one's morals....interesting concept.
My WS? meh... if she can't see the irony in her description of OM and their tawdry trysts, then I don't hold out a lot of hope for her or us.
[This message edited by Lotsa at 9:29 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]
It was funny in our first MC session she told our therapist that I had a fixation with honesty, like it was something bad. I have always told my children that honesty and integrity are the most important things you carry with you through life. My WW would tell them to keep things from me and to lie to me so that I wouldn't get angry. What a screwed up, mixed up thing to do to kids. But honesty to her is a vice.
Hang in there Jasper! You've come along a lot farther in a short period of time than I've been able to do in a year. But then your wife was at least an open book compared to mine. I have never seen someone so fixated on privacy as the lady I lived with for 23 years. Later I will have to tell the story of our visit to the ER.
Me: BS 50
Her: WW 51
2 DD 2 DS
Married 23 Years
DD May 2009
Filed for Divorce Feb 2010
Divorce Final July 2012
As in my XWW would say something about the reality of our marriage and I would regularly get the "What the fuck" look on my face.
Cause she would just constantly revise history so she could feel like a good person. My feelings and the truth did not matter.
At the time it was beyond frustrating. Now I can laugh because I don't have to live with that anymore! She has to and it ain't pretty.
My WW would tell them to keep things from me and to lie to me so that I wouldn't get angry.
Yep, 20 years of this. Soon after DDay, FWW started telling me how awful a husband, stepfather and dad I had been. How she had to protect and console the children. I was awful because I expected things like bedtimes, homework before TV, help with chores...
Ths is on top of FWW stuffing all of her feelings. Is it any wonder I was not doing well meeting anyones' unvoiced, hidden needs?
Now, after her 4 year excursion, I am being told by the MC I am pushing too hard for her to be honest.
I recall 1 quote in particular that struck me.
Women often lie to their partners as a way of relationship management.
There are even *jokes* about this. Like a woman buying a new dress then keeping it on the hanger in the closet for a month. Then when she wears it and you say *is that new?* (intending a complement) she will say *No Ive had this a long time*.
Lying for women seem to come easy. And so it becomes all the easier to betray they H.
Why is it that the spouse who earns less is always deemed to have made career sacrifices?
Why is it that the monetary value of these sacrifices is always considered to be equal to the difference in the spouses' incomes? In other words, why is it that the monetary value of these sacrifices is directly proportional to the other spouse's income?
Why is there no pressure on the lesser-earning spouse to increase their earnings power?
Why is it that the higher earning spouse may not change careers if it lowers their income?
Why is it that the spouse who earns less is encouraged to be a dependent forever, through lifetime alimony (routinely granted)? In a state supposedly promoting independence?
What is going on here?
[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 3:05 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]