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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VV,oddly enough mine did the "girls nite out" bit also.

Of course I would be an ass to keep her from "girl's nite out"...

years ago it was "I'm working out w/Gina", code for going to my other boyfriend's house...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girls night out is done. Who knwos with our W history how many ONS could be mixed in their. that becomes the norm i die. Supised you didnt pummel your WW for working all night. Sound like no care for what you feel.

My sad survey results for you all:

1. Do you have sex? Very Rare. We can have it twice a week and than not for months.
2. Do you sleep in the same bed? Sometimes.
3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)? Yes but lately i have been wondering what is the point? We can have a good night but then some bomb drops or she acts foolish and would we ever go home and have sex like a normal couple? No.
4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)? This one is downright funny. This is me talking her standing their deer in the headlights look. This to me is the fundamental reason this is the limbo land survey and not the R survey.
5. Talk about your future together? She tries to but i change the subject. I do not think much past the week with her. She has never healed the affair and I will either D or she will cheat aain if things stay as they are.
6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)? 10%. their are momenst just fleeting.
7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)? Almost 3 and it SUCKS!


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is me talking her standing their deer in the headlights look.

Priceless description. Where I live(western Maryland) there are deer everywhere--in the yard and out on the road. I will think of that every time I see one and LOL.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy crap! I don't know how you guys handle limbo with no sex.

I mean, I was in my own version of limbo for close to 3 years, but we still had sex 2-4 times a week. (Less in the beginning, obviously, but by 12-18 months out, it was back to what it had always been.)

Is the lack of sex by your choice or hers? I mean, I figured that everyone else had fucked my wife, so I might as well get mine (at the worst of the anger, you understand). I didn't want intimacy so much as getting laid, and she was willing to give that to me even if there was nothing else.

If she'd initiated no sex...wow. I don't think I could have tolerated that.

I honestly think that sex was the only thing that kept us together during the really hard parts. Even if it was just grinding danglies, it was still something we shared, know what I mean? A shallow form of physical intimacy is still intimacy.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VV, In my 180, I've decided to get my life in order. Honestly, I have limited faith in her. Who would after they cheat.

Like I said, I'm fixing myself, at this point, been to the doctor and dentist, and am working thru several issues. Might as well spend the community dollars on my issues. Hell, I've even been thinking about LASIK, too.

A year from D-Day, I'll make some sort of decision. My daughter is 3.5 years old, she's my priority. I'm getting her used to school, babysitters, etc. My Mother in law lives with us. So, I'm trying to start to break some of these dependancies I have on her and her mother. Also, thinking financially into the future.

If she were to have another A or resume the A, there would be no if and or, buts, it would be over. She seems to be wanting to reconile, but let's see.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL-hearing my WW telling OMM how badly she wanted back in bed w/him really killed my sex drive.

It still has not returned...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Maxiom
♂ Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree.. I would never be able to tolerate that. Even when I was experiencing the worst of my anger I still needed sex.

Any less than 2 times a week for extended periods of time and Max goes bat shit crazy.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 435 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Wife gives it up in the feast or famine routine though. Can't say its any better than before (initally was pretty frequent / intense, but its almost lame now). We're back to "She's tired", "she doesnt feel good", etc...Prior to her Phoenix fling we werent having sex at all, and it was just a BJ once a week or so to appease me.

But its getting pretty old. I'm at the stage where I might as well get mine. I mean shit, OM got it and he wasnt even paying for it (e.g. roof over head, new fucking clothes all the time, car payments, etc....)

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 3:12 PM, September 17th (Friday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, This was our texting last night when I woke up at 3am and realized she was not home yet.

Me: Where r u? Are you ok? 3:15am

Her : Yes on my way. 3:23am

Her : Drank too mch red bull. A little hyped up. Gonna take <her friend> home, snooze, couple of hrs. Goto gym. Then I will be home. Sorry for the late night lists of frustration. Will be home tomorrow gonna cancel dinner w <another friend>. I need to start being home more 3:34am

her: I love you. I just have lot on my mind. Nn to destress. Thx for beig patient w my idiot seld. I will be home soon. 3:46am

I think she may have come home around 8am. I had to leave earlier to get to work.

Oddly enough, this would have irritated the fuk out of me before the A. At this point, yes, it bothers me, but I don't care, I'm working the 180 getting my house in order.

BTW, it's this thread that has helped me the most on this site in dealing with all this BS. Thank you all!


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know better then anybody if those replies are resonable.
To me the completely sound like an affair is going on because i seen quite a few of those during my WW's affair.

But dont let me put things in your head. I have no idea. If this was my wife, 100% certainty of A.

Anyway. Working on yourself is really good.

I did lasik, invizalign braces, go to the gym 4x a week. Seen IC. And did MC to learn for ME. Oh and new clothes and shoes and haircut. Got a tattoo too. All things I wanted to do but I always put her shopping needs first.

I am ready to walk if there is even a hint of another A. And i swore to myself to keep myself in good shape mentallt and physically from now on in case she F's up again.

During her last A. I was working 80 hours a week to provide financially for us and i really put my social life and physical health last.

Never again though.

So your attitude with the 180 sounds really healthy, but I do feel you can demand more responsibility of your WW.


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course I would be an ass to keep her from "girl's nite out"...

Been there!
One of her girl friends (also somewhat my friend) knew about the A and covered for her.

She had asked my WW once about it and my WW had convinced her I was a control freak. Apparently I had told my WW she had to be home by 9pm every night.

Such a conversation has never taken place. I laugh at the idea of being able to tell my ww what time to be home at.

But... Thats the game they play.
Whatever gets them to see OM and live their fantasies. They dont mind wrecking your reputation to do it.

She is better now. So far. She surprised me a few months ago by closing her facebook account. I couldnt believe it. She closed her 'other man search tool'....

Progress!

She did open up a twitter account 2 months later. But i believe that is not being used to communicate with any men at all.

So far so good.


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks VV, I'm listening.

I'm going to keep working the 180 and keep taking care of my daughter. Also as you said, I'm there mentally now. So, if the A was still going, end of story. For the sake of my daughter I do want to give it a chance.

It would be easier choice without children. Here's the funny thing ... a lot of our issues stem from my daughter.
Her non-desire to be a parent, and my absolute love of being a nurturing loving parent. It's a wierd dynamic, but I've come to terms that she is not going to change. Neither am I .. I love being a nurturing parent to my daughter, she deserves it.

So, we'll see what happens. I'm not clinging to any false hope. It will play out.

All the crap you do when you're in the marriage, working crazy hours, saving money, IRAs, 401Ks, life insurance, it all seems so meaningless now. All that added stress to be divided as community property. Screw it, time to 180 and focus on myself and my daughter.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, September 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't need to tell you to be careful DMG, but be careful. I had that shit going on all the time during our false R.

One night, I woke at 2:30AM, she still wasn't home. She wasn't answering her phone. It was an early season snow storm and dozens of accidents reported on evening news.

She finally came home 3:15AM. Said she had been out walking to "clear her head." Said she had a lot to think about.

What she was actually doing was rutting like a whore in the backseat of his car


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She finally came home 3:15AM. Said she had been out walking to "clear her head." Said she had a lot to think about.


I heard the same 'effing words... surprise, surprise. I too am now D'ed.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 2:37 AM, September 18th (Saturday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh shit my ww is still in the affair so no survey for me - lol
bugger it
no sex 4 years
sleep in other bed 4 years
dont discuss future or anything about us period
intimacy = 0%

shit what am i still doing here - need a beer!!!!!!!!!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ILguy
♂ Member
Member # 29518
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife did the "girls nite out" a few times. thing is she was not letting her friends know what was going on. my WW would tell me she is going over to a "lisa's" and go over for 5 min and leave for 2-3 hours go back to lisa's and call me say i'm at lisa's i'm coming home now (makeing sure lisa was talking or laughing in the background)

When the A was discovered lisa was upset.she couldnt believe that my WW used her this way. I was upset she lied to me.

As for sex? we were still having it while in the A. One morning she woke up frisky so yeah we had sex. then that night she told me she was not comeing home from teh OM's place.

we slept in the same bed until she got arrested.

we tried dateing. but after she said in MC that she was REFUSING to end her relationship with david we stoped.

we don't talk about it. my WW is so damn deep in the FOG its scary.

since the A was discovered about 2 months ago i haven't been in limbo. in fact things are moving really really fast. She filled for divorce last week (claimed we were already sepereated 6 months and she refuses to talk to me. BUT she is calling everyone we know and telling them "her" side wich is full of lies. good part is they know my WW and myself well enough to know what is more likely the truth.

lol even her best friend came to me and said my WW is full of shit and she wants no part of her anymore.


BH 36
WW 34
2 kids 4 and 8
married 12 years together 18
A discovered around 8-10-10
Divorce filled 9-13-10

Posts: 188 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: northern IL
FatherofFour
♂ Member
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girls night out - that shit cracks me up and I'll tell you why.

See, my X worked nights. And she worked with a couple gals that liked to party. She started going out for "a couple beers" after work with more and more frequency.

You guessed it - 90% of the time this resulted in rutting with the AP in his back seat, not going out with her friends.

So, after d-day I set the (weak, I admit) boundary that if she was going out with friends after work she needed to call me, and she needed to let me know when exactly she'd be home.

One of her friends caught wind of this, and convinced her that I was controlling and emotionally abusive because I was setting obstacles in the way of her having outside friends.

HER FRIEND KNEW NOTHING OF THE AFFAIR AND MY X DIDN'T SEE IT RELEVANT TO TELL HER.

Instead, X told me I was being abusive. Even tried to go as far as bringing it up in MC. Fortunately, we had a no BS MC who pretty much shot that argument down.

I shake my head at all the crap I went through during that 9 months of false R. And I'm sorry so many of you guys are still going through it.


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yea. I was 'abusive and controlling' too because what loving husband would call his wife at 11 pm if she said she would be home by 9pm.

Nobody right?!

Its sooooo controlling


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too funny (or not) -

My XWW accused me of being controlling and abusive after she was caught in the act by one of my Buddy's.

She called one day (I was stationed in AK at the time, she was at previous duty station in Ok), to cry me a river about how her life had been threatened by some crackhead down the street (long, separate BS story, not true, so not relevant).

I asked if I needed to take leave and come back, and all of a sudden she went from "scared" and "afraid", to resistant, and suddenly not a big deal. Then, I didnt hear from her for two days. I called 20 times, the house phone and her cell, and couldnt get ahold of her.

So I called my boy, and asked him to swing by and make sure everything was ok. About ten minutes later he asked if I knew anyone with a white grand prix, license plate # so and so, with a full description of other details.

We both knew immediately WTF had been going on. I called and she didnt answer, so I hit redial over 50 times (I was using both cell ohone and house phone, hitting both numbers back home) until she finally answered.

She played it off until I asked how good the other dick tasted, and she got stupid with the denials. So I played the ace card and gave description of car, to which she played off as a girlfriend from school, until I dropped final ace asking her and OM to look out the window....Bingo, my boy was on the porch shaking his head and giving her the finger.

She accused me of spying, being a control freak, being emotionally abusive, and when her family found out she accused me being physically abusive and a cheat. To which her Dad and Brothers told her to eat a bowl of dicks, she was a liar and a cheat just like her mother....

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 11:19 PM, September 18th (Saturday)]


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all have our 'Girls night out' stories.

I never begrudged my W her girls night out until about a year before DDay.

I had been telling her for a while that i didnt really like her going out so often without me, that occasionally she should say, how about we let the guys come with... but no the Girls nights stayed Girls only.....

Well on one particular night they planned to go to the pub and i had said id really like to come, but no ... it was a 'Girls Only' night... however, because my W couldnt get a ride home, and its too far to taxi she arranged for me to come pick her up from the pub at 2am or so...

when i turn up to pick her up shes pretty drunk, but what got me is that her and her 'Girl Friends' apparently include a whole bunch of guys from the regular group.... according to W they wernt invited and just happened to turn up at the pub.

Im pretty sure that that is pretty much how most of her real 'Girls Night Out' actually went. the girls get together to get ready, do their hair and makeup etc then head on out, only for the guys to 'just tun up' later on....

I wasnt really friends with this group, and only know the guys in it by face...

At the time i was pissed off that some of the other girls boyfriends or parnters would turn up but my W hadnt bothered to call me even though she knew i wanted to come.

In hindsight i can see that in reality at this point she didnt actually want to spend the evening with me.

She also used the 'Going to <female friends> house' and ' girls night out' excuses for when she was shacking up with either limp dick or fuck features.


My attitude towards Girls Nights Outs has changed a lot. I still think the girls should be able to blow of steam together with the guys around. But there really isnt any need for it to be at a pub, bar or nightclub. If theyre going there then the partners should be going too.

If all they want to do is get together have some drinks and talk then doing that at someones house is a lot cheaper, quiter, etc...

What theyre really wanting when they go to a bar in a group is the external affirmation of having guys chat them up.... on the whole most of the woman are probably not looking, but its the first step on the slippery slope, tie in a weaking parntership in the M... and we have a new BH in JFO.


...

As for sex.... these days its a foreign four letter word to me....see shows how much i know about it these days... but in the months after DDay we had a little HB period, and then in the last 2 months before S not very much. Not because nether of us wanted it but because we wernt in sync. Id started running again, getting up at 6am, so i was heading to bed by 10:30 at the latest, when in bed i wanted to sleep. if W was feeling frisky she#d come with me wiggle over on my side and wiggle her but around, which is how she likes to say, ok im available now do your stuff... If shed actually followed though and initiated id have been up for it, instead i just cuddled up and went to sleep.... me on the other hand was dropping hints all evening, i didnt want to wait untill late at night when i needed my sleep, but for whatever reason my W wasnt interested untill bedtime. so there wasnt a lot in the last few months...

sometimes i wonder if that wasnt a contributing factor to her deciding to S...


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

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