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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 5
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Survey questions.
1. Do you have sex? Everyday currently
2. Do you sleep in the same bed? Every night
3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)? We try once a week.
4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)? Sometimes... lots of connection, but not a lot of deep conversations. Seldom talk about the A anymore.
5. Talk about your future together? No.
6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)? Yes, there is intimacy, but there is a lack of lust or desire.7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)? 18 months.

Girls nights out:

Pre-A, my WW did this. The girls nights supposedly never led to her PA, but the girls nights were typically different than those nights outs (tupperware type parties, etc.). Only one friend knew of the affairs, but did not take a “covering up” type role. But my WW did do happy hours with co-workers; This always resulted in her swinging by the OM’s place.

I still let her out, but there are rules and conditions. She can only drive if one of her girlfriends rides with her from our house (chaperoned); Otherwise, someone has to pick her up at our house, or I will drive her “so she can have a good time and avoid a DUI” is the excuse. She has to check in and let me know where she is if they go somewhere else. She has to take party pic’s and post them on her facebook throughout the evening. If she’s having fun and wants to stay out later than she told me, she has to call and let me know. She has to have background noise that fits where she is too; no more supposed stepping outside like she used to at her boyfriends place. She has also stepped up: Often she has one of her friends talk to me, she’s looked into and tried to install a phone gps tracker so I can just look up where she is. She also can’t just go with her best friend who knew and even helped set her up with her EA. That friend gets the same treatment as happy-hours below....
The rules for happy hours with co-workers are simple: NO! She can’t go unless I’m there too.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has to take party pic’s and post them on her facebook

Oh that's a big trigger for me.

OM used to love posting 'party pictures' of him and my wife on his facebook during the A.

(I would be proud too if I was him, since he is on welfare, no front teeth, drug using, life-long looser, who happens to be having sex with a woman 10x out of his league)

If I'd ask my wife about it "he was just a childhood friend who was a little anti-social so she was just being friendly".

Its unbelievable how easy it is for WS's to lie lie lie. And us poor suckers, we only wonder why we feel so 'jealous in our gut' and try to work hard and not being the jealous spouse and allow them to have their fun.

I refuse to be in a position where I feel my wife needs to 'proof' she is behaving. She lost the privelege of that trust. :(


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh that's a big trigger for me.

OM used to love posting 'party pictures' of him and my wife on his facebook during the A.


That sucks man... I do it that way because those who are out with her often also add their own comments and photos.. So it gives me a third party verification on what went on.

edit; and facebook has bitten her a couple times too when I see some older party pics with her arms around yet another guy...

[This message edited by Mighty at 3:36 PM, September 20th (Monday)]


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And us poor suckers, we only wonder why we feel so 'jealous in our gut' and try to work hard and not being the jealous spouse and allow them to have their fun.

So true. That approach earned me the big "D" stamp on my forehead. And if you notice, a capital D completely covers up a capital L.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 12:40 PM, September 23rd (Thursday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if you notice, a capital D completely covers up a capital L.

Great observation, Thyme! The timing of that post could not have been better for me!


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 715 | Registered: Sep 2008
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will say this for all my brothers here struggling.

Until you are get indifferent to if the M makes it or not you will not get anywheres.

I care yeah but my actions now are what I need and the effect on the M does not matter. I must be me.

I have let go.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until you are get indifferent to if the M makes it or not you will not get anywheres.

This is so true... I'd read the advice very early on. Living it though was a different story.

For me, as I suspect it is for many, there was a process that I unfortunately had to go through first before I had that epiphany moment of truly understanding the wise words of those that had walked the path before me.

Reaching that point of letting go and making "me" the primary focus of my energies was the time when true progress started to occur.

I have found that rediscovering myself after so many years of putting my relationship and others at the forefront has been quite liberating. A journey that has only just started, but one that I now embrace rather than fear.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, September 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand exactly what you are saying Lotsa. I feel if I let go then I may never come back yet I know I need to do this for me if I am to survive.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until you are get indifferent to if the M makes it or not you will not get anywheres.

So true.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me time too. I took poor care of myself qand derived my worth from pleasing others.

What that got me was a whore of a wife.

But what I have learned is very valuable.

I take care of me now. Do much more. In fact i even treat my WW better.

The difference is I beleive in me. i will stand up to BS in a heartbeat and unless you have facts you are wrong. I was so subject to the guilt manipulation card it was ridiculous.

I can give a perfect example and why sometimes kids are WAY smarter than us adults.

I took a photography class. Wife was like you wont see kids that night and asked if their was pretty girls.

What did my DD say about the class? Oh my daddy is going to photography class to take better pictures of me. :-)

That took away all guilt and is one of the biggest lessons I have learned in all of this. I can do my best and it is their job to prove my way is wrong.

I feel much better about myself and have my balls back!


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
virtualv
♂ Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have my balls back

Working on gaining a pair, but in a respectful manner.

I tend to 'over react' at times to try and get my balls back.

I am trying to get them back without being dis-respectful.

Takes a lot of 'self analysis' and change, but I'm starting to get there.


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, September 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My number one issue was not reacting to my WW BS.

Give yourself slack as you find the best ways to react you will at times in some ways over do it.

But sometimes I ask myself am I really over doing it?

I mean my WW has to learn besides the A their were/are ways she treats/treated me that I will not stand for.

I have to make these zones unsafe for her to go in. She has to know that messing with me is bad for your health.

At the same time I am nice and will not let her issues destroy me or my day.

the key for me is I have let go. I do not fear the M ending or not. I was an idiot in some ways when I was so easy post d-day.

I love my kids more than I could ever imagine and that made it hard.

But than I had a thought. If my kids were 30 what would they tell me to do? They would right now tell me to leave.

This is my last stand ... being me.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My third night out of the house. I am hoping FWW will not think to come read in this thread since I am not normally hear. Why do I miss and want to call and talk with a woman who betrayed me as she did, and whose disorder traits result in foul venom towards me from her and her DD's? Geesh I need to find new things to do in my life now that I am not doing laundry, cleaning house, enjoying my family. I cannot even watch porn cause the GD internet in this place cannot handle streaming files

I wish she could just be evil all the time, it would make it better. Instead, it is just under the surface of thei wonderfully fun woman.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in a position now where I am going back and forth in my head to split. The past few days have been at the extremes, where one day she goes overboard (good) and the next its back to the same old shit.

I have an interview for a job in another state on thursday. Depending on the outcome, I have a few decisions to make. Strangely though, I am at a rational point where I think I could live with whatever decision I choose....


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish she could just be evil all the time, it would make it better. Instead, it is just under the surface of the wonderfully fun woman.

Therefore, the fun woman is a shallow cloak hiding the real insane clown woman underneath.

I strengthened myself by frequently calling her evil to mind.
That was the true being she was anyway, why not just see it?... instead of being pinwheeled about, abused and manipulated by the shallow "seeming" cloak she donned for deception's sake.

Sometimes I get so horny, the crack of dawn aint safe, but it's STILL better to be alone, AWAY from the soul-sucking drama.


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
longsadstory1952
♂ Member
Member # 29048
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I get so horny, the crack of dawn aint safe, but it's STILL better to be alone, AWAY from the soul-sucking drama.

Wow. Just wow!


Posts: 357 | Registered: Jul 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct -

Feel ya Bro! After I found out about WW#1, I split on orders with the military and spent 9 months without any. Yeah, I was horny, but I wasnt dealing with her or any other drama, except the price of beer, gas, and figuring out where to go camping or fishing each weekend.

Not gonna lie though, when the time came, and I finally did too, MY GAWD what a release....and then I just turned into a ho for about a year until I met my current WW......


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My God, I just did the math....it was 11 1/2 months after I split before I went out on a date and got laid.

Split from x wife in 12/2003. Got laid 1st time late november 2004. Met Current WW August 2005. Married 6/2006.

Shoulda stayed single....


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
SurvivingEA
♂ Member
Member # 26872
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Do you have sex?

Yes.

2. Do you sleep in the same bed?

Yes, when the kids aren't invading.

3. Do you date (do things as a couple vs. just doing things with the kids)?

Once a week date night - saved our marriage.

4. Discuss issues with _true_ depth and connection (meaning you aren't just going off on her about the A or she isn't just blaming you 100% for the demise of the M)?

We do but she wants to be past it. you know, the same old story.

5. Talk about your future together?

Yes.

6. Share any level of intimacy (probably more of a percentage than a yes/no)?

Yes. 95%.

7. How many years in limbo (ie: post A)?

Just a few months. She was immediately remorseful.


Me: BS
Her: FWW

Posts: 766 | Registered: Dec 2009
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 1st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still sailing around Cape Horn, clinging to the reefs
avoiding hull breech,
thinking

ahh, the sex thing has become
so unshallow.

I've been to a town.

If the superbowl is the game to end all games,
how come they're playing it again next year?
My existence resides on the tip sometimes
of a bloody painful pin.


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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