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User Topic: The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work
SkeerdButHopeful
♀ Member
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone read "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work"? My FWH and I are currently reading it and are still on the first chapter. Just wanting some opinions. :)


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
mel88
♀ Member
Member # 18862
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did read this but quite a long time ago. I recall thinking it was very good.

The author (Gottman) trains MC's in his particular methods and styles. My IC has done this training. She recommended a Gotttman-trained MC for us if we decide to pursue MC. If you like the book and want to pursue MC in this style, it might be worth looking into.


"tous dans le jeu, yo. tous dans le jeu."
-Omar

Posts: 594 | Registered: Mar 2008
slowlymending
♀ Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is one of the very good books for M, and is research based.

He(Gottman) and his wife offer weekend intensives for couples. If you go to his website, there is a lot of good information.

I have friends who went and found it very helpful, though they never shared if they were R after infidelity.
I believe you and H do your work together, privately, but they have facilitators to offer support. There is no public sharing, similar to Retrouvaille.

My friends commented that it was well worth the money to find tools to strengthen their M.


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 1st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this book within the last six months. I remember thinking that Gottman came across like "Everything I have to tell you is scientific fact. All you have to do is these seven things, and you'll have a great marriage!" Kinda like a car salesman.

He had some good things to say, and it was the first book my IC handed to me. I ended up reading Hold Me Tight right afterwards and preferred it much more.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have started and not finished this book, but I will say overall what I've read has been very helpful. Particularly the part about discovering each others' love maps. It was the first time I can remember actually getting H to talk about our M when I initiated the conversation - I read from the questions, the one about what we were wearing when we met - and he reminisced! He actually remembered what I was wearing! I was so touched! Didn't finish the book, actually got so excited over that conversation that I misplaced the book, but that was very positive. I like the overall positive vibe I'm getting from this book so far.

I find his brief mention of affairs to be insulting, as I often do when an author makes a short note, because affairs are more complicated. But overlooking that, great book so far...


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Burchellscoucal
♀ New Member
Member # 37859
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sent this book after activating my EAP (employee assistance program) for help with relationship conflict, etc... And I really like Gottman's approach, and his writing style is good - makes this subject easy to read.

I also found his brief mention of affairs and the emotional insanity that goes with that to be wanting, but for what it does cover, it's very good so far. I've gotten as far as love maps. Currently reading this one solo. Will include the bf soon :) (( After finishing my novel, I just posted about! hehe)).


BGF: 26
(F)WBF: 28
D-Day 1: Oct 21, 2011
D-Day 2(Discovery of the omission of all details): Nov 16, 2011
D-Day 3: February 18, 2012

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gottman also wrote a new one that I'm reading that deal specifically with infidelity: What makes love last.. and it is the best one of his, I think...
His writing about what predicts divorce is based on research. And, it's good information on how to avoid those traits - the 4 horsemen, he calls them...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5061 | Registered: Dec 2010
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gottman has another one called The Science of Trust which looks at trust (obviously), betrayal, the process of how people rewrite their marital history, and recovery post A. It is pretty clinical heavy, I believe it's written more for the therapist than as a self help book.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
PippaPeach6
♀ Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really liked this book. H's not a big reader, but we attended a local seminar and got a lot out of it. H was a very unfair fighter. The Four Horsemen concept was incredibly helpful for our conflict resolution vs. below-the-belt to-the-death fighting, and for keeping a healthy respect in our relationship.

I'm going to check out Science of Trust, too - thanks, Issa!

ETA: looks like there is a new book, What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, that is specifically aimed at As. Downloaded.

[This message edited by PippaPeach6 at 12:03 PM, December 28th (Friday)]


Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009
Reconciled

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall


Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just looked up "What Makes Love Last". It sounds really awesome and what I read in the desciption it looks like it has the info from Science of Trust but meant as a couples book.

My H was open to reading Gottmans work because Gottman takes more of a science approach with his research (he's not touchy-feely) and that appealed to my H who is in the engineering field.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are using this book in marital therapy. It has been very beneficial. It really helped my WH look at his part of our marital discord. The info on affairs, she had us skip. It was not applicable or helpful.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
PippaPeach6
♀ Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted this on another thread, but wanted to put it here, too. (and no,I don't get commissions from the Gottmans)

"The book that helped our communication the best was The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. He really addresses communication (i.e., "discussion") issues well. It was a 2X4 for FWH, for sure.

ETA: We also went to a Gottman seminar locally. Dr. John and his Dr. wife were on a video and were talking about ways to communicate/fight fair - and then actually had a fight over something ON THE VIDEO! I mean, a really good in-your-face voices-raised discussion about a serious issue in their real life that would have had FWH and me totally screaming at each other! Then they discussed their fight and talked about the techniques they used and the things they DIDN'T do which would have just accelerated the fight. Mr Pip was (emphasis, "was") a really unfair, snarky bring-up-every-single-thing fighter, er, "discusser." Having the communication boundaries they outlined completely changed the way we address things now. And it also helped to be more open at the same time. We can honestly express what upsets us - and also how to appreciate each other, too. I'm not afraid to walk on eggshells any more in case I start something - what a weight off my shoulders!

And ETA to add, it really also addresses someone who communicates like a "smart ass, callous, piece of shit," too "


Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009
Reconciled

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall


Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Topic Posts: 13

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