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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

old dipstick, I understand the lack of IRL people to discuss things with. My best friend is just tired of it and me putting up with it all. He helped convince me that OM#1 my suspicion was all in my head, so I understand his frustration.

FWW says she feels bad for not realizing what she had with me, so do I.

Flight home was Hell with the storms, glad we did not have to overnight in the Atlanta airport. Boys did a good job of keeping the house clean and taking care of each other. Tired and a little on edge after thinking of FWW and OM#2 on travel as we came home. Especially the times she and he would kiss good-bye, and then she would walk out to arriving where I would pick her up.

She mentioned the other day how “we were not getting along” during time with OM#2, of course “we” were not getting along, she was involved with the OM.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:09 AM, May 29th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my! What a page! Roflmao!

”What are you afraid of? That we'll have a threesome?"

And then I thought, oops, this might end up in a “situation”.
Then I thought nah, and went again! Good job you didn’t take a xanax and indulge in a couple of mudslides, then he would have cause to be concerned!! Well, not concerned so much as jealous!

m33 – that’s a relief. But don’t get sad about it, it is as Dip says, you cannot trust him so you are verifying. But I’m glad it’s sorted.

Gotta go, there’s MIL about.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She mentioned the other day how “we were not getting along” during time with OM#2, of course “we” were not getting along, she was involved with the OM.

ats - my H still tells me how unhappy he was in his M and how "we were not getting along". It's funny how before the A started and after the A ended...we get along!! It wasn't a perfect M but he made sure he found enough fault with me or the kids to justify what he was doing. Most of the wayward's seem to say and think the same thing. I still feel as though he blames me and he refuses to look within himself. It's so frustrating.

Iwant - My GF did not have sex...she was alone....she said she will never do that again!! I guess you are not supposed to mix xanax and alcohol.

dip - there will be no xanax and drinking at a bar for me. If I got naked the whole bar would clear out...maybe years ago it would have been ok....but not now...




BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: ok, ok - I jumped to the conclusion that it was a bar when you said "drink". BUT, it still sounds like something your H would say - so I stand by my rant. (I usually do).

On a more serious note, please appreciate that the wheels of justice turn SLOWLY. Do not wait until the finances have been cut off to go to court - you will have a tough couple of months waiting for the money to arrive - especially if he is out of the country, etc. My suggestion is to bring whatever documents you have to your lawyer & have him/her start to work on it. You can keep it on hold if you wish (you know my thoughts on the matter), but at least when the sh*t hits the fan, the paperwork can get filed the next day.

And, to all the mudslide fans: personally, I cannot enjoy a drink with so many calories - not to mention the brain freeze. I like a drink with a low calorie to high alcohol ratio myself. (Told y'all im impatient - if I'm getting drunk, let's get to it & stop fooling around with the chocolate chips. Lol).

Ats: my H said the same thing - that we weren't getting along. To a point, he is correct. We both neglected our relationship before the A started, but at least I told him what was making me unhappy, whereas he said absolutely nothing & did absolutely nothing to help me out - left the care of the home & all these kids to me while we were both working outside the home. Of course, it did get worse when it was clear he didn't give a shit about me anymore(cuz he didn't need me - he had ow). 2 months before DDay he gave me flowers for our anniversary (it was so awkward by that point) with a card that said "I love you. We will work it out". To this day, he will swear he meant it, yet he offers no explanation as to why step #1 in "working it out" wasn't to stop F-ing someone else. Lol. I am similary amused by a conversation we had about 1 months before DDay when I told him I felt alone & after seemingly not giving a shit - comes to me hours later asking what he can do so that I don't feel so lonely. Hmmm.... that's a tough one... Hmmm. I wonder... Maybe, just maybe, stop F-ing someone else & start to put some of that misplaced energy into me & the kids! Y'know - that might have worked!

I don't know why I'm so glib. I've spent no more than 1 hr/day with him for the past 3 days due to his work schedule. And, today is the day we should be discussing my "offer" - the full confession with amnesty offer. I'm sure he won't bring it up - I will have to - and I'm sure he will say I know everything & then I'm going to have to exercise more self-control than I currently possess & not interrogate him.

G2g as my daughter just spilled 1/2 bottle of water all over herself...
Ta ta for now (I watched Winnie the Pooh with Tigger this morning).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats.. Me too.. I even have a card that says how much she loved me I think about a month or so before her A started... During her A, I was asking... “why don't you want me anymore?” She says it was because I had time for everyone but her... I think you do give up on working on the M once the A starts… and of course it goes south… One thing I have learned about relationships today is that I will not let a problem drop, conflict drop, without full, complete final conclusion and satisfaction. During the A… I let stuff go with the attitude.. Oh well, “it’s that time of the month deal”.. No more my friends…

Honest… I would listen very strongly to Allgood… I’m sorry your H just isn’t a man that can be a good person.. I hope you kids don’t take the his path in life… I’m sure later in life as they grow, you can teach them the right ways for happiness… strength to you…

I am really starting to feel good about myself. I’m proud as I reflect back after my daughter begins to enter the next phase of her life… I gave to the M, the family so much more then my W did... Fact is, she took away from it during that time… I can guarantee she could not have felt good about herself. NO WAY you can be truly happy cheating, sneaking, beytraying God, yourself, spouse.. Can you? No Way I say… Sometimes, I feel sadden that someone could do this about themselves.. Especially someone I cared for more than any other human on this earth… I can only hope that I can make it easy for her to want to be open with me without fear… It is so hard… yet so simple… Just say what you need…. Just say what you want… Just take time and effort to be the best spouse you can be…

One Day, I pray I can be at true peace… I cannot seem to get by the daily thoughts of infidelity.. what happened to me… and all the associated thoughts. They make me cry sometimes… sometimes I can change thoughts.. Sometimes I’m OK with it all… Maybe another year or so.. One day, I won't be here.. It may be coming soon... I'm thinking about moving forward...

Peace to all today...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:19 AM, May 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that you are down, Tryn. Someone, maybe Honest?, said that it's as simple as whether you are better off staying or leaving. I truly believe this. There's no turning back time - so it's the lesser of 2 evils. Try to remember why you want to reconcile - I thought the 2 of you had reconnected - did something happen that makes you doubt your relationship (A related or otherwise)?
And... on a lighter note... how could you ever stop coming here? Wouldn't you miss all this banter?!?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One Day, I pray I can be at true peace… I cannot seem to get by the daily thoughts of infidelity.. what happened to me… and all the associated thoughts. They make me cry sometimes… sometimes I can change thoughts.. Sometimes I’m OK with it all… Maybe another year or so..

Tryn' - I can promise you that as long as your S continues to show you love and remorse for her actions you will find the peace you are searching for and deserve. I am 4 1/2 years out and I am finally "seeing the light." There were days when I never thought I'd feel happiness or contentment or security again. Time truly is the secret to healing from their LTA's. Of course, like I said earlier, love, remorse, commitment and devotion to the M and to us, these go without saying. You two sound like you are on the right path and I do believe all you need is a little more time to reach a place of peace.
There are times I have taken a few months off from here to see if that would help with my sometimes obsessive thoughts about my H's LTA. It didn't seem to matter because they stayed with me whether I was on here or not and the support here and, knowing I wasn't alone, seemed more helpful than going through each day without SI. You will know when your time here is done. But as you can see, UKG, LH2, HS, myself and others all come back to check in and stay awhile.
This place is a place of healing and of comfort because we all know how each of us is feeling and there is noone I would suspect in any of our lives that can understand the pain of years of betrayal other than those of us here.
(((Tryn)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I was a little cranky last night.

I am so proud that we could leave our 18 and 14-year-old boys for a week and not only trust them, but they made effort to keep up on laundry, dishes, cleaning, and lawn. (not saying it was all OK, but they did make the effort ).

Trynhard, I am perceiving an undertone of funk in your recent posts, like you are trying hard to convince yourself that your W did not enjoy her A's (even though you would tell me "of course WS did"). From a selfish perspective, it is frustrating that you are still bothered with daily thoughts. When I am as far out as you, I really wanted to be free of this.

All the Xanax talk makes me a little jittery FWW says she would take Xanax with drinks when travelling with OM, when spending an afternoon with them for sex and did not have to go back to work. She also takes them to calm herself when flying, and would always have a Xanax haze after landing when I picked her up at airport. Yesterday on our flight home, she took an extra Xanax due to the storms. As she tenderly held me, snuggled and kissed me during our flight I could not keep from imagining her with OM on airplanes during the work trips sitting together, chair arms up, snuggling and her feeling comforted by him and resenting having to leave to come home with me when I picked her up.

Allgoodnamesgone, I am with you on the importance of the alcohol to calorie ratio On campus they actually use the # of calories in drinks as part of the campaign to reduce student drinking, at least for the co-eds. Dirty vodka martinis seem to have a good ration, as does single malt scotch and tequila shots

m33, I am so relieved to hear the resolution to the parking receipt. We cannot prove the negative hypothesis (the affair is over), we can only continually test and build confidence in the hypothesis that FWS is being honest now.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:00 AM, May 29th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

checkin in: we went to family therapy, only pfm and i....well i am not sure how this is going to go, it is once again in pfm's hands....its his parenting that needs to be "fixed"...and i still get the impression that he is not "listening"...he hears some but is so damned wrapped up in his own head and he doesn't seem to know how to get out of his own head long enough to realize that he needs to change what he is doing with the kids or he will lose them all....time is no longer on his side, they are older teens getting on with their own lives.....oh well..


i also woke up this am with my vertigo seemingly in full swing..so i am dizzy and woozy...shitty feeling...i took a drammamine and half a xanax this morn...well by early afternoon i was out cold...til 7ish...i do not do drugs very well..


ats: i am sorry that your return home gave you some triggers...did you talk to her about it?...

the xanax thing has me a bit puzzled...she would take them whenever she was with him...i find that odd...that with such anxiety over being with him, how she was able to keep doing it and why...

glad your boys took care of each other and the house...its nice that you can count on them, gives you some peace of mind...and these days i am sure that any peace of mind in any respect is not only welcomed but cherished...

allgood: i have seen you in person, and i would never have figured with your so slim figure that you would count calories...if i may ask, why do you?...

keep us posted on the response from mr allgood...and i also understand that need to interrogate, to press...that though is over for me, as soon as i made my decision i have not interrogated pfm once since...i have to say though i was good at it, because that was how i got most of my info, like a dog with a bone...but i finally decided that getting info in that form meant nothing...i realized that to mean anything to reconcilliation he would have to come to me on his own with whatever he had...he needed to trust me with his worst truths instead of his best lies...or we would never move forward, i would never feel safe, i would never trust, i would never believe...after all if he couldn't feel safe enough to tell me and trust me with his naked truths then we would never heal together...so he really made the decision for us yet again....i set the rules and the consequences and he opted for the consequences...oh well


honest: whatever the car ends up costing i think you should tell him cost double...and be careful..


(((tribe)))
fnf:

This place is a place of healing and of comfort because we all know how each of us is feeling and there is noone I would suspect in any of our lives that can understand the pain of years of betrayal other than those of us here.

i too feel the healing...its weird but for the most part i spend most of my time in si in here, off topic, f&g and waywards....i usually only venture into other threads if the title in the home forum page strikes me....general is the one i sometime go to or take a break from...and i almost never venture to jfo...the pain in there is still too much for me....but when i feel i need a break, i stay out of general....or i go there briefly if something catches my eye....maybe tryn you could try that kind of a break, then we can selfishly get to keep you around a bit longer...but if and when the time comes that you feel you are ready or need to leave us for good we all will of course wish you well, keep you in our thoughts and prayers, will miss you and your insight, your pictures and your zest for what you believe in...and should you ever change your mind we will welcome you back with open arms...hopefully though maybe you could be like lovin and just breeze in once in a while just to say hello...but i am glad that you have not decided to do this yet..



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsen: It's good to hear that your boys were able to keep house while you were gone. It's hard with the triggers. You never know when they will pop up. It's interesting that your WW took xanax a lot with OW. I feel it just shows how she really felt inside that it was wrong and that she was messed up during the affair.

UKgirl: LOL, no there wouldn't be a "situation"!!!
I don't mix xanax and alcohol!! I have trouble with a glass of wine!!
But I couldn't help let that sarcastic remark slip out!!
I did good damage control I wrote WH an email (so I have less contact) telling him the latest in the "car from hell" woes. I wrote a PS that I baked a banana bread for my neighbor and her bf.
WH sends me an email back saying "I love you, u r an angel".
Typical....I was a "good" girl and did what he told me.....let him think that!!!
I learned my lesson, I will not give him any more info than he needs. <sigh>

tryn: I can "hear" from the tone of your posts that you are down. Keep posting and I think you may need a vent!! You have been trying so hard to be optimistic and moving forward, that you still have to let yourself say it's ok if you are still feeling upset, angry or sad at times. {{{{{Tryn}}}}}

Allgood: Thank you for your advice. I think I will do what you say, get everything ready to go. I think that I will go for a legal separation (or a post nup) at this point. I feel it may be in my best interest for many reasons. I hope that you are feeling better. It's hard not to want to interrogate them!! It made me think of those old movies when they put the suspect under the lamp and question them! I wish we could do that to our spouses....once..get everything out so it can be dealt with and no TT. But I may as well wish for winning the lottery while I'm at it!

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:51 AM, May 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ooops, posted too soon!

tryn: I pray that the kids won't be like WH. What a role model he is!!!!
I, too, pray that you will be at peace. I think we all do. So many of us get to the point that we just want to stop hurting. It does take sooo long.

Atsen: I know what you mean that you wonder/feel is this how they acted when they were together? WH spoke to me in his language a few times while he was half asleep, and I felt he was talking to OW.

Unfortunately, I don't think all the triggers will ever go away completely. There are deep scars that are always there under the surface and although you think they are healed, something similar triggers it, and you feel the pain again.

I always felt that I was over/healed from my parents' divorce, but WH said and did some things that my father did that brought back the pain almost in full force that it shocked me.

Miracle: I'm glad to hear that you and pfm went to family therapy. I know that pfm doesn't seem like he is getting it and has a long way to go, but it's good to see that at least he is going to these sessions. I hope that he can improve his relationship with his children.

I'm so sorry about that vertigo! I went throught the same thing several years ago. The room just started whirling around. It's so scary!! Doc prescribed dramamine also. Don't mix those scripts!!! Please be careful!

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,
but we didn't acknowledge it in a special way because WH way of dealing with it was not to talk about it. NOW it is hard. Her anniversary is coming up (6/6)

My other children didn’t know either till last year. My H, like yours, also did not want to talk about it all those years which led me to keep my grief to myself. Will you think of telling the children now? I don’t know how to express this properly, but its made such a huge difference having my baby be a solid presence in his family. It was difficult for the first few weeks after telling the kids when he featured in almost every conversation. I had to be very patient with them and allow them to come to terms with this in their own time. And in a strange way, it felt good talking about him, his name being said aloud – it brought some healing to my heart as well. I don’t know what its like in the “celestial crèche” but I am hoping that this brought him some peace too.

WH told me that he named OC #1 the same name as our daughter.

Fuckity fuck! What a complete and utter tosserwankerassholefuckfaceslimeball.
I am so sorry. That just blew my mind.

did good damage control I wrote WH an email (so I have less contact) telling him the latest in the "car from hell" woes. I wrote a PS that I baked a banana bread for my neighbor and her bf.
WH sends me an email back saying "I love you, u r an angel".
Typical....I was a "good" girl and did what he told me.....let him think that!!!
I learned my lesson, I will not give him any more info than he needs

Honest, don’t let him bully/manipulate you.No, I am going to be even stricter with you and say, don’t let yourself be bullied/manipulated like this. As he is playing happy families with OW, don’t for a minute think that you owe this man anything, least of all justification on how you spend your time. Come on. Take some control. Someone mentioned drawing up legal paperwork so as to protect yourself. Please do this. Are you in IC – what work is being done on building you up?
I think of those times before dday and the year or so after dday, and I cringe at the person I was – in H’s words,” a spineless coward”. He said that I LET him bully me, take advantage of me, and whilst I can’t take resp for his actions, I can and must take resp for mine. He was right. In order that peace may reign, that my chn and I would not be chucked out on the streets, that our family/friends would not see what a failure of a W I was and most of all so that I can be the GOOD GIRL, I allowed him to treat me that way. And underlying all of this was that this was learnt behavior from childhood. Its quite a mishmash, and it takes hard work and time to work through but Sweetie, it is SO SO SO worth it. YOU are worth it. Just one step at a time…are you with me?
Gosh, I think I am sounding like a right bully now too. Can you tell how passionately I feel about this?
It took some good people on SI to get tough with me before I was even able to acknowledge this (me an abused woman..NO WAY!)and I will remain forever grateful to them.

***
M33

Check me out -- I was wrong

What a huge relief!
That’s great news. Don’t beat yourself up. It is how it is (we have all in some way BTDT and as time goes on, it does get better.Whew.

***
Miracle,
It’s a good sign that H attended family therapy. It can’t have been easy for him listening to what a f-up of a F he was/is. Maybe something will hit home.

Hope you are feeling better today. What caused the vertigo?

***
Dip,
Your W is jealous? As she should be!
Wishing you “lekker braai” weather !

***
Hi FNF and UKg.

Big hugs.

***
((((Tribe)))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the nice comments.. I think I did not communicate too well... I think I'm going to stop visiting SI... I'm sure I will never forget about what has happened to me... and I will always cry over it. I just will.

My W and I are getting along about as good as a M can be....

It does not stop the fact I think about A, cheating, relationship... everyday... manytimes a day.

I think I am ready to move forward in trying to stop myself from this kinda stuff... try to start living a normal life again...

Yes.. SI has helped my brain. I can discuss my trauma at ease most of the time... I'm sure it's due to the 1000's of reading post.. my own post.. reading books... those chats with my best friends...

Anyway.. going Indy 500... Have a good one all...

Peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn- have fun today & while we will miss you, I'm truly happy that you don't need to be here every day. Of course, whenever I see a big chart with lots of arrows, I will always think of you.

(And - of course, should you change your mind, we will be happy to hear from you...)

Miracle: I hope PFM pulls his head out of his ass soon. I still don't understand why you guys can't co-parent, co-exist & date. Wouldn't that make you happier? Or - is it that you don't want the kids to know that you are not "really married"? Just curious - if you don't want/can't discuss it - I understand.
On calorie counting - while I don't count calories, it's a throwback from my teenage years - when I was 105lbs & thought I should be 1001bs. Omg - if you saw the photos back then - I don't know why I thought I was fat. That's how it started, then I "bulked up" to 117lbs toward the end of high school (worked at a donut shop - lol) and my track coach was on me constantly about my weight. (Meanwhile - I was still anorexic by any stretch of the imagination & by today's standards, for a teacher to talk to a teenage student like that.... it's outrageous). Anyway, this has caused me to worry about my weight for my whole life. Not that I count calories, but I'm aware of them.

Honest & Lost Heart: I stayed away from this topic because it's so sad, there's no way anything I could say would be a comfort - but, I am so sincerely sorry for your losses. The magnitude of the loss is really incomprehensible to me. You are in my thoughts.

As to Mr. Allgood's response: so last night I tell him we have unfinished business. Of course at the very moment I say this, my daughter goes berzerk, so my H takes the opportunity to run off, claiming later that he thought I was going to try to put her to sleep.

So, later I call him out on it - he tells me he didn't run away from the conversation tho that is almost literally what he did. Anyway, says there's lots of stuff I don't know about, but nothing that would surprise me & nothing that would affect what we are doing. I only asked him 2 pointed questions, without revealing anything specific about why I was asking - same denials as before.

Later I asked him what he meant about "lots of things" I don't know. He basically meant the day in & day out kind of stuff.

So - I got almost 2 full sentences from him - no surprise there. I don't have any anxiety about it (at the moment - we all know how that can change on a moment's notice) so I'll let it go.

Watched "Dear John" last night. Terrible movie. Anyway - as with any love story- I think "you know, I really don't have those feelings for my H". I mean I like him, I love him, I don't want to be without him, but do I have butterflies in my stomach? Can I not wait to see him at the end of the day & tell him things? No.
Anyone relate to this?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:03 AM, May 30th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that he can improve his relationship with his children.

me too honest, me too...

Maybe something will hit home.

if i don't hit him first lh2

What caused the vertigo?

really not sure...i have actually 3 things that give the dizzy's...2 different kinds of vertigo, positional and this one which is benign and i have very very low blood pressure....the positional one i have almost knocked out....hopefully when this latest case goes away i could go back to the exercises i was given to do exactly that..i was close to knocking them out just before my surgery, then with the surgery those exercises were out of the question, but since i am feeling so much better from surgery, and lately i have been doing a lot of tossing and turning in bed...and i think that made it worse...anyways...i always like to say if its fixable and curable its allowable...i've seen too many cases where that was not the case...i do feel better today, and hopefully tommorrow i should be all clear...


tryn:

I'm sure I will never forget about what has happened to me... and I will always cry over it. I just will.

no of course you will never forget what has happened, but i don't believe you will always cry over it, i think you will find a place for it, a box so to speak...will you still think about it everyday, i dont know, but will it make you this sad everyday, i don't think so...you and your wife work at it, you CHOOSE to love her, you choose you wife...and guess what, your wife is ACTIVELY CHOOSING you too....this is what will help, this and time...you are now in a position where you will appreciate each other like you never would have before...

i believe that all things like this do hold lessons, and if we look for them they hold gifts as well...would we actively look for these lessons and gifts through another means,...hell yes, but that is not how they came to us...and some of our gifts and lessons are small, some are good...you learned how to truly love your wife and your wife has learned how to truly love you, you both learned to choose love of each other, you both learned the appreciation that can only come when you come so close to losing it....you now value each other....you may have lost unconditional love, but you gained love that is given freely and by active choice...it is unconditional in that it is there,fully and accounted for... the conditions are on the relationship and not on the love.....

perception my friend can be freedom...freedom from pain...how you CHOOSE to see something is the difference between half full and half empty...perceptions can be a choice....perception can change....


allgood: i cannot imagine you at 105 lbs...you must have looked like a poster child for hunger, like my youngest son.. ...i think watching what you eat for nutrition is smart, for you to watch calories though, so so not necessary....its a shame that you still carry that with you...i am curious, how did you deal with pregnancy weight? ...

I still don't understand why you guys can't co-parent, co-exist & date. Wouldn't that make you happier? Or - is it that you don't want the kids to know that you are not "really married"? Just curious - if you don't want/can't discuss it - I understand.

you can ask me anything, if i ever feel unsafe posting in the open forum i can pm you..no i do not want my kids to know, my boys are in the dark and that needs to stay that way, at least for a time...ultimately that is exactly what i plan for me, i do plan on moving on...and i very open to dating, it would however have to be in secret from my kids....not easy, possible but not easy...

I hope PFM pulls his head out of his ass soon.

not likely....and unfortunately i think he will end up letting this opportunity to repair his relationship with his kids fall away...he is too preoccupied with losing me, and all that goes with me...and i dont think he knows how to get out of his own way, he sabotages himself at every turn...i used to try help steer him, i still do when it comes to the kids...but slowly i am stepping back....i am learning that i cannot fix him and i no longer want to, except for my kids (that one is the hardest one)...he has to fix himself, and even though he is in ic, i think his issues are so immense and he doesn't know how to cut to the chase, which means an awful lot of wasted time....

one thing that drives me somewhat insane is his inability to give me a direct answer to any question...and i mean any question...eg.

me: is there alot of pizza left
him: well manchild had 2 slices, scrawny boy had 3 slices and i had 3 slices, there were 2 pies now we have most of the second pie, we have 7 and half slices left....

and i look at him and ask so thats a yes???

when asked about his women, money and everything else he hides...thats when i get nothing, thats when he learns to edit, that where he cannot be forthcoming with any details..... .....

no i don't see that head coming out of that ass anytime soon...


says there's lots of stuff I don't know about, but nothing that would surprise me & nothing that would affect what we are doing.

you know that there is no possible way for you to know everything there is, its not a ons, its not a short lived affair...way too much time was vested in his affair for him to be able to tell you all of it...and in his mind you already know the important stuff, you know who she is, you know how long and you know how and when....and i am sure in his head that is enough, he probably feels why do you need to know more then that, it will serve no purpose...and in some respects he is right...however if there are certain things you need to know to move on then there is a purpose he cannot understand...and i believe in his head, the 2 of you are working at putting your lives back to together, she is finally out of the picture, what more could you want, she needs to be out of the picture and yet you keep bringing her back in....and i don't think he gets that she is already there and that you need what you need so that you COULD get rid of her.....that needs to be the ultimate goal for you both, to take her out of the equation...as of now she is still there ....YOU BOTH need to be done with her...plant those seeds allgood and step back, he seems to respond to those seeds....and yes i know how hard it is to hold back..you have a need that has no patience...but it must find it...if you feel the need to interrogate someone, i volunteer pfm or honest's husband....


but do I have butterflies in my stomach?

you know i never had butterflies in my stomach, i did have excitement, i did have the anticipation....but never butterflies...i think butterflies are for the movies and first dates with people that have this reputation or aura...i remember when i was in high school and i was asked out by a guy in college...well he was in college and he was smart and i built this man up or i should say boy because he really was still a boy but to me in high school he was a man....well we went out, went to dinner and a movie and then came the kiss good night...and kissing for me had always been pivotal, if you can't kiss there would never be another date..so anyways here i am ready to be kissed by a college guy and i was so excited...well the boy used his teeth on the top of my lips...quite painful...so i thought well maybe i am positioning my head wrong, after all i am in high school, he is in college and should know how to kiss...so stupid my thoughts... ...anyways he kisses me again, and we are making out, and i keep changing position, determined to figure out why he is using his teeth...i should have just asked him, but i didn't want hurt his feelings, never mind he was hurting my mouth...stupid i was...anyways i learned that people were seldom who we built them up to be, i learned that all people are the same whether they are in college, high school or whatever....not all people are created equal and status means you could be a bad kisser just like joe shmo..

although i think if i ever had an opportunity to kiss donny osmond, major crush growing up, i think i would probably go back to being that stupid high school girl with the big expectation....


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure I will never forget about what has happened to me... and I will always cry over it. I just will
No and no. Miracle is quite right. You won’t forget, how could you? But you will find a place for it. I truly think that your FWW was so over OM come d-day; she had long wanted a way out but found inertia was the easiest option until everything was blown open. And then the decision was instant. She threw him and the job without a second thought. She became an open book and did everything you asked – including the Retrouvaille. You have the best chance at reconciliation and I wish you all the love and luck in the world. Keep working at it. You will find attic space (or basement) in your head where you will box and store this. You will never be rid of it completely – it is part of your history now. It may always sadden you, but there will come a time when you don’t cry.

Just drop by every now and then, check in and let us know how you are and maybe write a little positive post for a newbie.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I tried to respond to you 2x yesterday - my H came down both times & I had to make a hasty exit.

Pregnancy weight: I gained a normal amount - 25-30lbs with each. I can't say I liked the way I looked, but it didn't bother me at all.

one thing that drives me somewhat insane is his inability to give me a direct answer to any question

OMG I can relate to this. This is my 9 yo son. Trying to check his hw every night is unbelievable - no simple answer to anything - everything is a long story, trying to distract & exhaust me... I've finally found an approach that works: I break down every question into parts - like "did you do your homework" becomes 10 short yes/no questions. I swear... nothing is easy.

I don't know how you have been able to hide this from your kids. H & I got into a big argument yesterday & even though the A was not brought up - he left & I couldn't stop crying & the kids were definitely jarred... Ugh.`

O - and the Donny Osmond thing - lol - I was in "puppy love" with him too! Lol!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:09 AM, May 31st (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: "puppy love" brings back such a memory for me, i actually smiled so wide reading it.. ...but what were you 2 when he was popular???

as for the answers that never are really answers...this is something i have been dealing with from the getgo and it has always made me insane...but i used to joke about it, i dubbed him the man who goes to china to cross the street...and i would make light of it most of the time..whenever we fought though there was nothing light about not getting straight answers...its positively exhausting, fustrating and instigates my fury, especially now...now it just adds to the man who cannot own his shit, the man who can't be a man and stand up and take full responsibility for his past actions and his continued actions...but i am learning to let it roll...or at least i am trying too...so not easy...i am like you, i want to sit him in the chair and interrogate him to get all my answers....and then i realize of course what a waste of time that would be....because he wouldn't have learned how to do it himself....not to mention there is just no point anymore...

as for your son, you could try teaching him what kind of answers are required...but i tend to think that in general there are certain people the seem to be hard-wired to certain traits.... .....


I don't know how you have been able to hide this from your kids. H & I got into a big argument yesterday & even though the A was not brought up - he left & I couldn't stop crying & the kids were definitely jarred... Ugh.`

o.k. allgood, i know your pain, i know it too well, but you really need to try and put your feelings and anger on hold when the kids are about...and i know just how hard this can be, after all i am married to one who has no sense and says the most insensitive shit, pfm is the epitomy of stupid on timing, words and gestures....not to mention that he still lies which is so damned fustrating when you hear the lie....so anyways...your kids though are another entity, they need to be protected from all of it, if not they will surely act out in some way shape or form...NO CHILD is immune to mom and dad fighting all the time, it changes who they are and who they will be....

now once in a while they are going to witness fighting, that is something that cannot be helped...but healthy fighting is all they should witness...but this is impossible for us dealing with everything we are now dealing with, but at the very least they need to see mom and dad be able to work it out to some kind of peaceful agreement...i am sure you have seen this first hand in your practice...and yes i know that sometimes if not all the time it feel impossible to pull off because of how hurt and angry you are...and when you are that hurt and angry its sometimes impossible to see ANYTHING ELSE...and this is why you need to keep it in the forefront of your mind to prevent getting yourself into those sich where you might lose it...and yes i know just how hard this is too, but the result is way way worth it....

(((allgood)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - I know you are right about the kids - this situation last night was building for hours (and H had been drinking for hours & he was really pushing my buttons). I did manage to stay calm for quite a while -but I just couldn't get through to him & he was walking out. The last straw was when I was trying to tell him that at the social event we were at earlier in the evening & in fact every social event we have ever been to (not to mention every day of my life) I feel like his nanny & he told me that if I was his nanny I would be fired because I'm doing a horrible job. And - that's when I completely lost it. All kids but 1 were out of earshot. But - everyone saw that I was crying & Daddy was gone.
I am not in a good spot now. I do not believe he is open to or capable of having a significant connection with me. I tried to tell him how I feel - but if he doesn't agree with how I feel it's always been very hard for him to even acknowledge that it's nonetheless real to me & deserving of his support. We're just going round and round in circles - he told me a few hours ago to just forget about last night & move on- but I saw too much of the kind of crap that happened before & during the affair & I'm feeling like we are just not going to make it.

I really, really, really wanted to leave last night - just go spend some time along some where.

No response needed - just a rant.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well - I guess everyone had a good Memorial's Day - nobody's been on all day.
I just got home & read my last post - which now seems unclear. My H didn't walk out in the sense of ending the marriage - he was just going out.
And, while there were a lot more tears today than usual -and I'm still not feeling good about this exchange - I'm trying not to read into it anymore. I will, as Tryn had said, let go & trust that God will be looking over me through this.
G'night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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