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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh allgood: i tried to respond to you earlier this time i got interrupted my my kids for homework...

I tried to tell him how I feel - but if he doesn't agree with how I feel it's always been very hard for him to even acknowledge that it's nonetheless real to me & deserving of his support.

first of all he has no business telling you how you should feel, he does not walk in your shoes....he hasn't a clue, not one motherfucking clue how you feel....now that being said, he is probably completely stuck on himself...i get the impression that this man is as cynical as they come when it comes to your marriage..i really believe that he believes that nothing he does will ever suffice, that he cannot do anything right and almost to the point of if its never going to be right, why bother....but bother he must...and on some level he still gives some, but holds the rest back i think maybe because of that final rejection he thinks is coming....

tell him how you really feel and do it the way tryn has told you...and then let it go...i know letting go is not your strong suit.. ...but learn how...

and i know just how exhausting it all is...and that it sucks some big moose eggs too....


i am so so sorry for your pain, i know how much it hurts and how fustrating it is at the same time...but don't give up yet allgood...not yet....

(((allgood)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost: DS 35 & DS 30 were 19 and 14 when DDangel was born. (They were from my first marriage) DS 35 loved her and held her and still talks about his sister.
With DS 15 & DS11, I told them when I felt they were old enough to know. They saw her picture thay I have in my "china" cabinet (lol full of Pathmark dishes and garage sale finds )
and I told them about her.
Thank you for your "Bullying". I am seeing an IC and am working on my self esteem. If I could have complete NC with WH, I'd be better off, but alas, with kids involved, that's not possible.

Allgood: I'm sorry to hear about your fight with your WH. It's so hard when they are drinking (whether it's "socially" or not) and hear the garbage that spews out of their mouth and not react to it. I have realized it's best not to argue with a drunken person, but we are all human and can't help it when they push buttons and go too far.
It may be helpful to try to talk to him when he's sober and discuss this particular issue with him. You may just tell him that when he's drinking, you are NOT going to engage with him because of the way he acts.
I completely understand wanting to get away. There were so many times that I really wanted to just go to a hotel for a day or two by myself just to unwind from all the tension.
My neighbor (yes that one ) told me when her bf died that she was "going to date myself". She said, "I'm going to buy MYSELF flowers, get a manicure, have lunch, take a bubble bath, etc." Allgood, I truly understand the place you are in right now. Your children are young, you are working full time, and your WH is acting up and not acting enough in the areas he should. You are overwhelmed. I have learned long ago that I cannot be superwoman, though I tried and came damn near close to it! Slow down as much as you can. Try to enjoy each moment and not think ahead of all the things you have to do (I know I did, giving the baby a bath and thinking while I do it "I still have to fold the wash, wash the dishes, oversee HW, etc.) If at all possible, live in the moment and enjoy that baby in the bath and laugh. KWIM?

{{{{{Allgood}}}}

Tryn: selfishly I don't want you to go, but on the other hand I'm glad that you feel that you are ready to go on. I hope you find the peace you are seeking. I believe you will find it.

Miracle: When I read your posts about pfm, I feel so saddened for you. I see how much pain you are still in and how much frustration and anger you have. I wish I had some wisdom to impart, but all I can give is my support.
I think you, and everyone here should "date themselves" and be kind to themselves.

Rollercoaster is starting up again after being on a hiatus for a while.
I'm going back and forth from being sad and teary to starting to feel angry. Maybe because antianniversary was this weekend. <sigh> I know that quite a few people are having theirs around this time too.

My mother told me long ago that she always felt sad around Nov. even without realizing it was because her parents and brother died around that time and that's when my father left (different years).

She said it wasn't a conscious thing that she remembered, but it was more of the weather, the look of the sky, the smell of the air. Studies have shown that our sense of smell has the strongest link to memories. Just think of how memories come flooding back when we smell the aroma of pumpkin pie for example.

I feel she's right about that. The day WH told me was a gorgeous day, just like we had in my area this past weekend. The temperature was perfect, the spring smell, the sky a beautiful blue, etc. So, it's the feel of this time of the year that's bringing back memories.

Hugs to all. {{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: as sad and melancholy as you sound, you also sound stronger, wiser and more in control...more in control of uncontrollable situation....sounds like an oxymoron (hope my definition in my head of that word is correct, somewhat of a brain freeze this am)

how is your car?...is it capable of driving yet to that library?...mama miracle wants to know!!!

i am sorry for your rollercoaster of emotions, it does suck...and its part of this horrible process....on the good side it means you are processing, the sooner you process the sooner you can come out on the other side....whatever that may be....antiversary's do suck eggs, rotten eggs....


and thank you for your continued support and wishes, it really does help...and yes i already date myself, and i am a very generous date indeed...nothing is too good for ME!! ....and i don't plan on stopping this dating of myself anytime soon...and it really does feel good when you do something good just for yourself,not your kids, not your mother, not a friend or a neighbor just myself....it sometimes feels somewhat decadent and selfish...for someone like me who is so used to sacrificing all the time it takes some getting used to...but i am getting used to it.. ....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle:
First, I forgot to comment on this:

"I believe that all things like this do hold lessons, and if we look for them they hold gifts as well...would we actively look for these lessons and gifts through another means,...hell yes, but that is not how they came to us...and some of our gifts and lessons are small, some are good...you learned how to truly love your wife and your wife has learned how to truly love you, you both learned to choose love of each other, you both learned the appreciation that can only come when you come so close to losing it....you now value each other....you may have lost unconditional love, but you gained love that is given freely and by active choice...

I thought I had commented on it on my earlier posts, but now see that it must've gotten lost with all the interruptions here.
Anyway - I think that is probably the most constructive positive way anyone could look at this.
So, thank you for showing us "the silver lining".

Ok - and now for the extremly stupid question:
When you say to let go - are you talking about the argument? I am letting it go slowly, but still unnerved by it. I stopped talking to him about it tho after he told me I had to let it go earlier yesterday.
Or - are you talking about the A?
And you are right - letting go is not my strong suit.

Honest: the next day, I did try to discuss the issue with him & all we did was argue again. He just sees things very simply - that I started an argument (not acknowledging all the shit that happened before that I didn't respond to), etc. So, that's what I meant by it going around and around in circles. Ultimately he texted me that he was wrong too & he was sorry - but I half suspect this was less than sincere.
O- and btw- about an hour after he stormed out he called me to pick him up when his motorcycle died. I had to pull all the kids out of bed to get him & didn't get back until midnight.

And - you really hit the nail on the head with this one:

Try to enjoy each moment and not think ahead of all the things you have to do

And, my thoughts are with you for what may be a very difficult week for you...

EDITED TO CONCEAL FREUDIAN SLIP...

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:10 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

EDITED TO CONCEAL FREUDIAN SLIP...

and i missed it...damn...


no allgood, you are not ready to let go of the affair...for that to happen you need feel he fully owns his shit, gets "it" and then begin to feel safe again in his love...not necessarily trusting but feeling safe in the knowledge that he does truly love you.....then you begin to let the affair go....and find a place for it in the back recesses of your mind...kind of like when someone dies, you don't forget the person, you learn to live with the knowledge that person is no longer there, bring it out now and then when needed for whatever purpose but then get back to the PRESENT.....but you are a ways off from there...that is part of the end of this process, and its the place we all strive to be.....

i think the ironic part is when the ws says why can't the bs just let it go....i think we wish we could do that as much as they do, if not more....our loss was not by our choices but the ws's choices...

when i tell you to let go, its to let go of the matter at hand at the time...your husband seems to shut down much like the charlie brown characters...there is only so much i think he can process at once, and i don't think he as capable of processing all that he needs to process on your timeline....and i really believe that if you talk to him like tryn has told you and then let it go, plant that seed...i think you might just get what you need, just not the way and speed that you would like...and yes it sucks that you have to work for this...when he should be busting his ass...but the truth is, he is just not capable....

and allgood we all have a silver lining...getting to it though is the biggest pain in the ass...but possible...you must believe it for it to be...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had more time to post today because I would love to comment on so much that is being said here. It seems like so many are having a rough time right now (Miracle, Allgood, Honest especially) and I wish I could give each of you a hug IRL and words of comfort and encouragement. I will have more time tomorrow but in the meantime, I am sending warm hugs to each of you.
One thing I did want to say though to those of you whose S's are saying "you need to get over it" is this: what they don't understand is that what they did in the past is affecting how we feel about the future. It's about safety. What are these S's willing to do to help us to feel safe again. I used to say this to my H all the time. When they act badly, when they fail to answer our questions, even those we've asked dozens of times, when they are short-tempered with us, when they seem distant, when we can't veryify where they are, when we see a faraway look in their eyes, when, when, when, that insecurity, or lack of feeling safe, just gets overwhelming. For me, it was needing to regain that sense of security in our M that helped me to finally put the past where it belonged but until I was able to do that, the past was very much alive and part of our everyday discussions. I hope this makes sense because I think it is key and once our S's understand this, that it is their responsibility to restore our sense of safety, hopefully they will make a sincere effort to do that for each of you.
Hugs and love to the tribe.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, I hope that some fun was had by everyone over the weekend.

I truly feel for all of you who are trying, seemingly unilaterally, to R with your FW spouses. I read of the attitudes of your FWSs and your frustration and it is just so difficult to imagine. Given what many have you are going through, I have no reason to feel anything but wonderful in my current M.

allgoodnames, it takes some nerve for your FWW to storm off on his bike and then to call you to come and save him. I hope that he begins to realize, and he certainly does not seem to appreciate, how childishly he is acting and how, like a good parent, you are stuck taking care of him. It would be nice if he could grow up some and be a man instead of a hurt little boy.

iwantamiracle, I am amazed at what you are going through for your children, and that pfm is not able to do better for you and them. You have so many helpful words, thank you. I hope that you arrive at the point where you can embrace and enjoy your silver lining.

honnesttoafault, best wishes to you as you go through this week. I have not hit my 1 year yet, but in reading, I have noted that the first few days after the antianniversary seem to be worse than the actual date, so be prepared. Can you take some of your own advice and get away for a day or two. Even a full day alone helps me when things are really tense.

old dipstick, I have thought of you this weekend, and not just while smoking my babyback ribs and grilling sweet corn. I am not sure it is good for a spouse to put their needs aside as a way to help out their spouse. I always tried to be self-sufficient because I could see that FWW had her hands full with her life (work, kids, school, etc). She saw this as my not needing her, transformed into not loving her, felt guilty taking help from me, which turned into withdrawal, and here I am. So while it is admirable that you are not being needy, even during stressful times I think it is important for your spouse to understand that she is important to you, and to give her the opportunity to reinforce the connection regularly.

trynhard, best wishes. You may not read this, but you gave me advice and confronted me when I needed it. Rather than reflect and confirm my feelings you challenged me. That was helpful and good for me. Thank you.


Sunday FWW and I took the boat to a waterfront establishment to meet with some casual friends and an employee of mine (and her SO) who is also a friend. It was a great day listening to music, talking, and enjoying shrimp and beer. My employee and her SO know of the A (yes, it was wrong of me to share the information with her and it made for an awkward dynamic for a while). While I was taking a break, FWW told employee that she was working hard to make things better with me, and that she was sorry for what she had done to us. This surprised me. Others, the casual friends, wondered what was up, but were happy to hear we are doing better. The other surprise was that employee twice said to me, “You know that I love you.” Truth is I do know that, and early after Dday I was tempted to take her up on her offers to go out for a drink, join her in travel to an overnight conference. I told FWW about this, she says women say that sort of thing, but I know it is a true statement. I hired employee out of a bad situation, protected her from unwarranted attacks from others, and provided her opportunities to grow and improve as an employee.

Today is FWW’s last day at her job in Hell. Tomorrow she starts at another not-for-profit. She has been reviewing their financials and they are not as good as she was led to believe, so she is keeping open her options with another job that will not be so rewarding, but offers more stability. Through all of this, I am surprised at how much she has literally been attached to me. Touching, talking, and holding. It is different after years of her getting her affirmation and comforting words from OM. I keep waiting for her to be angry with me about something. She says everything is fine and that she love me, but after years of her hiding her true feelings, I am anxious from time to time.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:36 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

The other surprise was that employee twice said to me, “You know that I love you.”

how did you feel about this?..and i believe it too, whether or not she loves you like "in love" is something i would question, from what you posted you are her kisa, which means there is partial fantasy involved, not that that couldn't develop into something more if the sich is a healthy one, because it most certainly can...your wife's response is one of self-protect, the blinding kind, what she doesn't see, she doesn't have to acknowledge or deal with, because if she did see it, i am sure that g2g's would be nil and void....

i am happy that you see your silver lining, that you appreciate what you have compared to many of us.....its necessary to appreciate the gifts we have in life, and i know that sound ridiculous considering what we are alking about here, but its sadly true...there is nothing like hard times to help you appreciate the good...


hey fnf how's that kitchen coming along..?

oh and i hope tryn isn't done yet, i thought he was talking about the near future...not this near...but if its necessary for him, i not only understand but wish him well and hope he finds the rest of what he is looking for...so tryn if i am right that we have a bit more time to be blessed with you...YAY..

ats: you are gettin in on the grillin too now?.. ...men who cook, this could be a definite turn on..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well trying to keep up with everybody is a job. I wish I was a speed reader.

miracle.. Big moose eggs?? I have never seen moose eggs. I can not imagine sucking on them. Rotten eggs. I have seen/smelled those before.

Now about that problem of answering a simple question with looooong answer. Something that should be answered in one word or one sentence, will be a 15 min speech. About the only time I can think of that she has been able to be short when answering a Q is explaining the A. One word, one sentence seems to be good enough in that one case. That is in the cheaters manual somewhere.

I hope those dizzy spells are better. I have never had that problem except perhaps when I drank too much and took xanx. I did keep my clothes on though.

ats. Not having someone IRL to talk to about this stuff does suck "big moose eggs." You have to really trust someone to talk about things this personal. I think there is a difference concerning living in a smaller town and the big city atmosphere. Where everybody knows everybody, gossip like this spreads very fast. One little slip and everybody knows. Something that I think us men have to worry about more than a BW, is the fact that when word gets around that a woman "puts out", immediately some men's ears will perk up. A co-worker of mine told me that his bro caught his W cheating. This BH told several of his male co-workers, and within 3 days one of them had called the WW wanting to know if she would like to have lunch and talk.

I understand what you are saying about putting my needs aside and that is something to consider. In this case it is probably helping me though. She has thanked me several times for my actions lately. That gave me a chance to point out that I have always been that way. Maybe I should not have pointed this out, but sometimes we just can not help ourselves, can we?

I'm glad that you trip was pretty smooth. Those thoughs you had concerning the OM are a pretty shity thing to deal with.

How were the baby backs?

Allgood. Freudian slip! You better confine those to SI. It is hard to edit those IRL.

I hate to hear about your latest troubles. Your H said there was more, but you did not need to know about it? Damn these WSs really like to control things. They should have controled their own actions better, then we would not have anything to "get over."

Honest. Those antianniversity days are sad. I understand what you say about the weather and how it can influnce the mind. I hope you can stay strong and get this legal stuff worked out.

forgive. I agree about the saftey and security stuff. That is hard to come by and hard to hang on to.

tryn. How was the 500? As for the moving on from SI subject, I think it would be kind of hard to do. This place can be addicting. Let me also make this point. If you leave and I can run ats off, I will have all these women to myself. Now doesen't that make you jealous?

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...how did you feel about this?..and i believe it too, whether or not she loves you like "in love" is something i would question, from what you posted you are her kisa, which means there is partial fantasy involved...

iwantamiracle, the kisa is right on target. I never thought about the possible relationship (much). Despite being married, even after Dday I would not become involved with an employee. While I like and admire employee, I cannot see love developing even if we were in a different sich.

Interestingly, FWW picked up on employee's attraction to me years ago. FWW often (during her A's) cited employee as a person I should be with instead of her (FWW). FWW even mentioned this to my Mother once as in "Employee would be perfect for Atsenaotie if I (FWW) were not around."

btw, I have always cooked. When we dated, FWW used her oven to store art supplies. Bread used to be my specialty, but I can no longer eat that many carbs. To this day it pisses FWW off that my first try I won a best of show for my canned salsa. I also did a lot of brewing before moving to south Floirda.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmn. Got to check in super-quick.

No, I didn't confront WH. Why? Couldn't see the point. I wasn't going to believe anything he said unless he said yes I was there. I'm concentrating on getting the finances in order. If your spouse will cheat on you, then they're capable of just walking out by surprise too. I can see he's still in some fog. Realistically it could go either way.

As for her BH -- he knows. I'm sure of it. I do struggle with this sometimes. But, the statute of limitations on adultery in my state is 5 years. If they do continue the A I'm sure to catch them again. Honestly, her entire marriage has been poisoned by this, after 20 years its not an emergency. Plus, lets face it, the ideal if your spouse has cheated is for them to end it, you to never know and your marriage to improve by surprise. Its a gift I'd love to give him.

But, I really do think he knows and the fact that we were all so close and suddenly haven't spoken in nearly 8 months -- I mean what else does he need to know? I will tell him if I ever run into him in person, but I'm not going to seek him out. I feel like the past needs to be the past.

I know many would disagree. I do know that if they do continue or resume the A I would not confront my WH until I've already spoken to her BH. I would want to give him time to move assets and hire an attorney before I say anything.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - it's good to hear from you. You sound like you are doing ok - hope you are.

I think your sentiment about ow's spouse is sweet - any of us would have liked to avoid the pain of knowing about the affair, but who's to say that their marriage will be better just because the A is over - especially if no one is pushing her to change - maybe ow will just engage in further affairs.
Personally, I wish someone told me. I know I probably wouldn't have believed him/her initially - but my eyes would've been opened enough to check his phone records - and then I would have had conclusive proof.
I think all BS have the right to know what he/she is dealing with & make an informed decision about it.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle. Men who cook are a turn on! Does this mean that everytime we post about grilling, we are sort of talking dirty to you? I have never considered this possibility. This evening I am cooking a 2.3 lb pork tenderloin that has been soaking in my secret marinade for several hours. It should be melt in your mouth tender and juicy. With a baked potato and corn on the cobb, the meal will be complete.

m3 and Allgood. What you all are saying about knowing and not knowing hits home with me. When I hear that Bob Seger song that says, "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then" I always think, no shit. During the A time I was living a pretty good life. I was pretty happy. Of course I was living in a lie. Her A stuff had ended, so if she had never told me I would not have had this stuff to worry about. Ignorance is bliss. It may be false bliss, but it is bliss.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away all weekend and it took me forever to read up on everyone's posts. It will take me two weeks to respond to everyone...

I am going to miss tryn....I hope he finds peace.

I know there are lots of us who are having antiversaries very soon. I am trying to forget about it but it's not working. I had a huge trigger last night...I was watching the Bachlorette. She took her date to Vegas and when they showed the Vegas strip I burst out crying. I ended up going to bed and crying myself to sleep. I'm just so sick of triggers, crying and the coaster ride.

I have also realized...my FWH really and seriously doesn't get it. I told him I was sad because sex and intimacy will never be the same again...and what did he say? I know...it sucks to get older...look at me he said, "I have rectal disorder". What he meant was erectile dysfunction! WHY ME OH LORD???


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun:

Look at me I have a rectal disorder....

OMG!!!

I'm sorry, I know the point of your post was that he doesn't get it......but lol, I think that so many of these WS's need a swift kick in the butt and have a "rectal disorder" !!!!
I'm so sorry about your trigger. It's all so difficult and we cry ourselves to sleep while the WS sleeps like a log.

....it means you are processing.....

Thank you. This really struck me, Miracle. I really am trying to process instead of just sweeping it under the rug. There is just so much! But the word "process" is something I really have to remember when I am going through this painful time.

Allgood: I meant the issue that you may need to discuss with him is his behavior when he is drinking. I'm not suggesting he has a problem, just that how he seems to be mean when he is drinking and how you will, in the future, not engage with him when he is acting like that.

atsen: Yes, I have read many SIers say that somewhere in the second year it can hit hard. I guess because in the first year we are floundering and trying to survive. In the second year, I think we are really hit hard with the reality of what has acutally happened. Our whole world has been shaken and with it, we have been too.
I'm glad to hear that you had a good weekend, and that you are acting appropriately with "employee". It seems from what you said that your WW said about "employee" in the past indicates what a low self esteem she had. That she thought she wasn't good enough for you. She probably felt that because she was having an A and felt low.

fnf: Yes, I agree it's about security. That's all I ever wanted throughout my whole marriage. When I explained to WH that I needed to feel secure, he told me that he was tired of making me feel secure. I was always "depressed" and he was tired of dealing with it.
Yes, I want to feel safe. I don't want to deal with him because frankly, I'm apprehensive of when he might make some insensitive or hurtful remark.

M3: that is wonderful that you would contact the BH of OW first. I feel from your posts that you seem to be resigned that WH may/might do this again and you are fully preparing yourself. I think this is extremely wise, but also, they say, "Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best."
I hope you can enjoy as much as you can and that your WH is working toward making you feel "safe" as fnf says.

dip and atsen: when I hear you guys describe how you BBQ all that fine food, it sounds so wonderful!! Maybe there is something sexy about a man taming the fire and cooking meat!!

Also, I hate to cook, (I CAN cook, just don't enjoy it), so anyone who will cook a meal for me is much appreciated!!!

{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

FWW used her oven to store art supplies.

nuf said...


m3:

No, I didn't confront WH. Why? Couldn't see the point. I wasn't going to believe anything he said unless he said yes I was there

the point is simple, you check his story for truth, and truth is what is should be....plus you get to gage his reaction for the future, because time and time again his reaction should be the same with very few differences....if this should change then you have a red flag to check into...

As for her BH -- he knows. I'm sure of it. I do struggle with this sometimes. But, the statute of limitations on adultery in my state is 5 years.

he may be choosing to turn a blind eye, or she may have concocted some story and he believes, while i absolutely understand your struggle with this, and i even understand your position on this...but that being said,

how do you know he is really happy in the marriage and that she is being the wife she should have always been

what if she is still cheating now with someone else

and telling the bh has nothing to do with the law...there is no statue of limitations on telling someone that their spouse is cheating...

.

I'm concentrating on getting the finances in order. If your spouse will cheat on you, then they're capable of just walking out by surprise too. I can see he's still in some fog. Realistically it could go either way.

i think getting your ducks lined up is smart...and i agree, prepare for the worst, it is the practical thing to do...

dip:

Does this mean that everytime we post about grilling, we are sort of talking dirty to you?

not exactly, its the being waited on.. ...its the service..

and its most especially the fact that you enjoy providing the service...hell yes that is a turn on...

i personally am not turned on by how you grill your breasts, only that you serve them well...not turned on on how you baste your butts, only that you enjoy it when you serve them....not turned on when you turn the legs, only that you enjoy it well when you present me with each....hell yes i will most certainly be turned on by the servitude...


Ignorance is bliss. It may be false bliss, but it is bliss.

way back when i told pfm that had he come to his so called senses and manned up and became the husband he should have been without me ever having known, i would have been much happier....but then it didn't happen that way did it, nor would it ever have happened that way...and then of course all these women i am sure would come out of the proverbial woodwork when he does die, and then wham after he's dead now i would be faced with all this shit, that is unless i die first.... ..

ignorance is bliss til you realize that it was so much more then ignorance, then it becomes more torturous then it ever would have been otherwise...

fun:

I ended up going to bed and crying myself to sleep. I'm just so sick of triggers, crying and the coaster ride.

i am so sorry for this, it does suck...the pain never seems to run out some times...like when we run out of milk, and we have to go to the store and get some more, we never seem to run out of this pain....at least not yet....we will eventually find a place for it, a place for it when it becomes a dull ache instead of the dagger it is now...

"I have rectal disorder". What he meant was erectile dysfunction! WHY ME OH LORD???

i'm sorry fun but this made me laugh.. ...and i think he did get it right, he does suffer from being an ass at the moment, a non functioning one at that....

honest:

the word "process" is something I really have to remember when I am going through this painful time

when my ic first started to use this word, pretty much the first time i met her, it made me mad...i told her i don't want to process this, i just want to reach point z already...i want the fast track to the end where i can be happy, this process shit takes too long...i've got a life to lead....and she looked at me and just smiled and said, o.k. you could try that but i don't think its going to work...like everything else that is traumatic we have to process all that there is, and in this sich there is such an overwhelming amount of information alone to process let alone your feelings on all of it....well after that all i wanted to do was stick my tongue out at her and tell her to watch and see...well after a month or 2 i looked at her and used the word...the process word...and she smiled...and said she was happy that i was beginning to see the way is to process and that i was doing so so well...i never felt like i was doing so well...i still wanted to just crawl into a hole, or really into bed and never get out except maybe to kill him...i still wanted him to just die...well i am still working on the wanting him to die part.. ...anyways, i ramblin again...all to say that i hated that word in the beginning and now i honor it....whew....there i finally got to the point....sorry it took me so long..

security. That's all I ever wanted

this will be one gift you give to yourself at the end of this mess....so this needs to be one of your goals...so make a list of what you need to feel that sense of security for yourself...then take whatever steps you need to to make it happen....and i know step one is to get to that library... i cold be such a pest...


Also, I hate to cook, (I CAN cook, just don't enjoy it), so anyone who will cook a meal for me is much appreciated!!!

well i love to cook, and i would gladly cook for you anytime...we will have to arrange it....unless of course you find a man who loves to cook so that he may serve you..

((((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all...
I had a great time this weekend at the Race..

No, I cannot throw the daily thoughts of infidelity... but didn't cry, nor linger on it, nor hate, nor dwell too much. It’s to the point where I expect to think about it everyday. It is amazing the need, the calling, the necessity to visit SI... It is like what you feel when you think about OM or OW, those triggers… it just pops into you head as you arrive at the keyboard.

What I have come to realize is that coming to SI and posting was a great inurement exercise… and truly, I believe I have now desensitized this trauma for the most part… So please… use this site until you too are ready to leave. Thanks to all for your helping me…

It’s hard to count the blessings of you life, among the evilness that will happen. I noticed today in the paper a young 20 year old girl away at summer school died in a jet ski accident. I feel so sad for that family… I am happy my son and daughter are enjoying life.

Anyway… Ask your spouse to go to Retrouvaille and learn to forgive. Do not accept abuse and make the most of your day, your week…. If you fail, pick yourself up and look forward…. Peace all

I’ll post again later…


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

I’ll post again later…

my favorite part of your post my friend, my favorite part....

and i am happy happy that you enjoyed your weekend..and happier that you are finding places within for all that you hold...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWaM said it best!
tryn:
I’ll post again later…
my favorite part of your post my friend, my favorite part...

Looks like it was a great wkend. We had RaiN, rAiN, and more RAIN! ... over 90 mm!
We have company from the UK with us this week so lots of running around for FWH (I don't drive) for legal and memorial stuff. Keep us in your thoughts Fri.& Sat as my s-i-l is interred and her life celebrated. I think it will be a "Xanax, take me away" wkend. (pardon the Calgon takeoff)
Gotta run... {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle. Wow! After reading that, I will never view grilling in quite the same way again. I did not know that grilling could be so hot!

Honest. I really don't feel sexy when I grill. Actually I do not feel sexy anytime. You and miracle now have me re-evaluating all this. Sexy old grilling slave?

nofun. Rectal disorder, or erectile dysfunction? Maybe in his mind he would rather own up to the former. It might not be as embarassing.

tryn. Damn. This sounds like a old western. "My work here is done," said the handsome stranger as he rode off into the sunset.......

Glad you had fun at the 500. You will be missed here.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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