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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
marzipan
♀ Member
Member # 28544
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this part of the forum. This is me in Just Found Out: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=355859

I learned a couple weeks ago that my husband of 17 years has had a girlfriend for 4 years, whom he has brought around the family, taken on countless business trips, and spent thousands on gifts and spa treatments we cannot afford. He even bought a Porsche to impress her. He just got home from a two-week 'business trip' to France with her. I have filed for D. He is out of the house and staying with her now.

Here's something I'm really having a problem with that maybe you guys will understand. I just can't wrap my mind around the enormity of his deception. He lived a double life for four years. All those trips, all those nights I thought he was working, all the times he was texting her from the bathroom before bedtime, all the times I made sexual advances and he flinched away. My mind wants to process where I was and what I was doing those times, to get a handle on it, but I can't. It was every day for the last four years.

I'm trying to grasp it, but I just can't. You who have been through this, how do you do it?

[This message edited by marzipan at 10:02 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]


me--Mean Batshit Crazy Pottymouth
him-- Swampy the WH
divorce DONE!!!!

http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/
PART 16-- "You are Such a Good Mother"


Posts: 4076 | Registered: May 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

marzipan, first off welcome to our little corner of si...and you asked the question of the year:

I'm trying to grasp it, but I just can't. You who have been through this, how do you do it?

we do it one day at a time...sometimes its by the hour and still other times by the minute...i have learned begrudgingly that this is a process....a process that takes time to well acutally process....there is so much to a lta, you feel as though so much of your life with this person is a lie, for some of us its the entire relationship....

i have not yet read your entire story yet, i only went through the first page briefly...i will go back later when i have more time, but i did want to address you....

(((marzipan)))

and listen you are so new, brand spankin new...which means you are as raw as raw can be.....give yourself some time...

i don't know the whole story yet, but if you are not in ic, do so immediately, you will need the help and support irl....from ic and hopefully you have some family and friends too...it ALL helps...and you have si, and this place is here 24/7....

(((marzipan)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi Marzipan. Welcome. I might not be the best person to answer this because I'm a long way out and, believe it or not, the details do fade.

I think wrapping your mind around something like this is a process. You sort of reel from the impact for a while and then start slowly letting it in, dealing with it, making peace. But slowly. It's like any other trauma (I lived in NY on 9/11 and found coming to grips with that and the affair very similar), you can't comprehend it all at once. I remember even almost a year after d-day still having moments where it would hit me, or some detail about it would hit me, like I'd just found out yesterday.

I looked at your thread. Wow. You seriously rock, and if nothing else, you can always be proud of how you've handled yourself. The betrayal in your case goes wide and deep and I think you need to be prepared for the fact that even though you've acted decisively and with determination, it's going to be a lengthy process, with stages of grieving and anger and shock that come and go for a long time. I also wouldn't be surprised if your H has a wake up and tries to come back. They often do when the BS acts with such determination.

Do you have an IC? If not, I'd recommend finding one.

((hugs))


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You who have been through this, how do you do it?

((marzipan))

It is hard, and speaking for myself I do not know that I will ever understand how it occured. I will simply accept that it did. I have not yet reconciled my wife's behavior during her affairs with the woman I thought I knew and married, the mother of my children, and the woman I am getting to know now.

You phrase it very well, the enormity of the deception.

In IC I keep hearing it is not about me, it was about her; but that does little to help me to understand. Around here on SI they talk about the WS being in a fog, but that does not help me to understand. She knew it was wrong enough to hide and lie about, so how was it OK to do these things? FWW says that she thinks she always loved me, even during her A's

Others will chime in, but for me I am still trying to do it and what I am trying to do is just accept it.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

marzipan. Welcome to the LTA forum. I read your story and I agree that you are really a rock. You have had some good advice and a ton of great real life support.

The enormity of this deception is what makes understanding the LTA so hard. You are very new in this, so be prepared for a long up and down ride. I think it helps if we can understand that our WSs were/are sick and crazy. My WW called herself that. Look at what your WH said when he got mad at you for filing for D without talking to him about it. This while he was just off on a trip with the OW. How sick and crazy is that? BTW, your answer to him was very good. You are obviously not crazy so you are going to have a hard time understanding his crazy mind. We do not think like they do. Keep coming here. There are several smart people here with a bunch of good advice.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
marzipan
♀ Member
Member # 28544
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for chiming in so quickly you guys, I really appreciate it. Old Dipstick, you are so right:
Look at what your WH said when he got mad at you for filing for D without talking to him about it. This while he was just off on a trip with the OW. How sick and crazy is that?

He was also miffed that I got all freaky when he was away, retaining an attorney and removing certain files and documents from the house. "I have nothing to hide" he said Wow, compartmentalize much, crazy man?


me--Mean Batshit Crazy Pottymouth
him-- Swampy the WH
divorce DONE!!!!

http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/
PART 16-- "You are Such a Good Mother"


Posts: 4076 | Registered: May 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe. Did anyone happen to notice that marzipan said "Old Dipstick you are so right"? Another person who agrees with something I said. She is so very smart.

marzipan. Your H has nothing to hide? They really are crazy. I was reading in another thread today about a WW that did not want to give up OM, but did not want to get a D because of religious reasons. Her religion says it is o.k. to have a boyfriend, but D is wrong? That is insane. You can't make stuff up that is this nutty.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok. marzipan, i caught up....i must applaud you woman, you are more then a rock....your strength is astounding...which to me means your inards are more of a mess.....your insides must still be within their own tornado of sorts....when i first starting this journey through infidelity hell my ic told me that i experienced my own 9/11....and that analogy still fits...

your journey through this mess will be long, hard, hurtful and worth it in the end...incidentally i haven't reached my end yet, but i am working on it....your journe will be extra tough like so many of us because your ws is of no help or use to you in your healing which means you will be doing it alone, but not alone...you will hopefully have ic, you have your family, i don't know if you have close freinds irl..and you have si...which has been a very powerful healing force for so many of us....

and trying to understand the motivation, the why's behind what they did is sometimes so damned fustrating because like dip stated we don't think like they do....but understanding it even if its abstract does help us make some sense of it....after all we want it to make sense...but then there are the parts of this mess that no matter what you do, no matter how you try to look at it will never make sense...

you are an amazing woman, with an amazing capacity to hold it together...at some point in time you may feel the need to just let it all go...and it may happen out of the blue...when it does, if your children are not with you or you could get away for some privacy its important for you to let it be, and feel all that pain i am sure you have bottled up....have yourself that good ugly cry...do not internalize it....

we are here for you..

(((marzipan)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Read up, but not much posting time. IL’s went yesterday, FWH went to Venice today, carpenter arrived to do my broken sashes and I’ve been playing catch up with the housework and end of month finances.

Did anyone happen to notice that marzipan said "Old Dipstick you are so right"?
Pat yourself on the back. No wait, I'll do it for you!

Welcome marzipanI took time to read your posting over in JFO. What a head in the ass your WH is! Well done on finding this site so soon after your d-day and I think you have handled the situation remarkably well. I particularly liked your retort:

He was angry about that--I filed for divorce without checking with him. I said, I'm sorry, you had a three year affair without checking with me.
Funny how his sense of openness and fairness is skewed, until you point out the obvious. As MOW is on her way to divorce, she is providing a ready haven for your WH. I assume she is getting D’d due to her affair. Are you still prepared to offer R to your WH if he agrees to your criteria?

Just want to highlight this:

Ignorance is bliss. It may be false bliss, but it is bliss.
and then of course all these women i am sure would come out of the proverbial woodwork when he does die, and then wham after he's dead now i would be faced with all this shit, that is unless i die first....

This one hit out at me. This is something that made me so mad after d-day. I drove like a lunatic, a complete suicidal maniac in those first few weeks/months. I truly had no care about driving off the road, down ravines, into motorway bridges (how I wished…), to have a 40-ton 40mph truck make a manoeuvre in front of my 100mph+ screaming Subaru and blast me to oblivion. H was worried every time I went out after I confessed that to him. And then said he often thought about it himself. Now, whether he said that hoping I would take it as empathy with me or hoping I was going to empathise with HIS adulterous situation, I don’t know. All I thought was how fucking selfish it was. If he had died in an RTA and THEN I’d found out about his affair……..??? Wow. That is one thing I still can’t wrap my head around. And yes, if I’m going to be slapped with reality, I’d rather he were here than in a box because that would be tortuous. There have been a couple of SIers who found out posthumously and it was awful. There were no answers for them.

"I have rectal disorder"
Well, statement of the obvious, but he was up his own ass, wasn’t he??

it was needing to regain that sense of security in our M that helped me to finally put the past where it belonged but until I was able to do that, the past was very much alive and part of our everyday discussions.
I think we find the sense of security post d-day comes from within. I will never feel completely secure again. That was something he took from us and offered to MOW – he teased her with it, promised her the happy-ever-after, roses-round-the-door security. So I make my own security now, the only person I can rely on is ME. But I miss it and the warmth it gave me.

It’s hard to count the blessings of you life, among the evilness that will happen. I noticed today in the paper a young 20 year old girl away at summer school died in a jet ski accident. I feel so sad for that family… I am happy my son and daughter are enjoying life.
Thanks for pointing that out Tryn’. May peace find you too my friend.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Marzipan.
I look forward to getting to know you.

***
Brooke!! Well hello there.
Nice to "see" you.

***
Today is 4 years from the day when my whole world came to a complete standstill.
I told myself this morning that I am not going to focus on all that went wrong before and since, but all that has gone right since (I have become an expert in bemoaning my fate during the last 4 years )

So for the things have gone right since dday#1 2006, I am and will remain forever grateful.
* it marked the end of the OW and other female "friends" from this M
* it marked the beginning of the end of the "old me" and all that entailed (and yes that is a good thing in many ways )
* it got me off my complacent butt and started me on a new path towards being resp for my own fulfillment
* it started the process towards me asking and wanting and expecting more from the people around me and from myself and life (doesnt mean I get it though.. )

* it marked my arrival to SI and with that friendships with folk who have held my hands through the toughest times, who have laughed with me through the most ridiculous moments and who have shown a complete stranger compassion and love even as they struggled with their own tsunamis. Such that I honestly believe that if it werent for them, I would have just given up on humankind.
I know I get all maudlin when I think of my tribe'sters, but I am so so grateful to everyone, past and present.Thank you all.

So Newbies, I know you have a long way to go but please believe someone who has BTDT, it DOES and WILL get better. Just do it in your own time. There will come a time when life will not suck 24/7.

Now when I get over my mushiness, I will prob be back within a few days venting away at H or OW or whatever, but till then I will enjoy this respite.

To those of you having antiversaries this week, big big hugs. Reach out to the tribe or to a friend here. just knowing that some one gets it, can make all the diff. Sending you buckets and buckets of white light.

****

"I have rectal disorder"


That is classic! Nice to see a man so in tune with himself.

***
((((((Tribe)))))))

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 2:24 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! I am so sad you are here. I can relate to your confusion and pain. Sorry, I have no words of wisdom only support. There is no logic in this. There is no reason. He did what he did to please himself and was able to compartmentalize his feelings and behavior. He may have loved and valued you and your family the whole time but found a way to justify his actions to himself. It is unfair. It is brutal. And there is no quick way out of the pain you are experiencing.
Good luck and bless you!

Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl. Good to see you survived the IL visit. Thanks for patting me on the back. I need the encouragement. Being a married man, I am almost never right.

It is nice to know that you did not have a bad wreck back when you were driving like that. Being a sucidal maniac sounds like a dangerous way to be. I did not want to die. I think I figured that my W and the OM would just enjoy my death too much. I did think about doing her and him in though.

LH2. It is good to read your positive message and on your anniversary of such a horrible day.

miracle. Doing breasts tonight. I rubbed them for several minutes with oil, and then applied a light layer of breast seasoning. They should be yummy.

ats. What you said today about your W knowing it was wrong enough to hide and lie about, so why did she think it o.k. to do these things, is one of those things that is hard to process. The fog excuse of "I did not know what I was doing," doesn't sound quite right when you consider that they knew how to get away with all this for so long. You have to be pretty aware of your actions in order to carefully hide this. I remember asking my W if all of this was so much fun, why didn't she tell me we were in a open marriage. Maybe I would have enjoyed having sex parties with other women. She looked at me as if I was totally crazy, and said "it wasn't like that." Damn, you really can't argue with a sick mind, and you can't figure them out. I'm glad I don't think like they do. I'm crazy enough like I am.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Marzipan to the club that nobody really wanted to belong to. You aren't the only one that can't wrap your mind around this deception. I'm right there with you. My FWH had a 12 year LTA. There are answers to things I will never know. I can't grasp it and never will. If I want any sort of peace in my life I have to go forward...and oh this is so hard. You will do it....time will make things better. It may take lots and lots of time because I still feel like it was yesterday. You are strong, smart and wise. You will get through this as all of us on SI are doing.

olddip - I don't thing our spouses were sick and crazy...I think they knew exactly what they were doing. They were selfish and only thinking of themselves. They thought they would never be caught. Just my opinion. I'm having a bad day today and yesterday and the day before that.

What do you do when you can't get out of your funk? I can't look at him, talk to him, I hate him today.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy I have a lot of catching up to do... but, alas, I only have time for a "quickie" or a "hit & run" as Miracle says:

Welcome to Marzipan - I see you have already received a lot of good advice.

LostHeart: I loved your post. Good for you! What a wonderful outlook!

Dip: quite a few funny lines in there - always a good thing. And, now that Tryn is MIA you & Ats need to hold the fort down... Lol.

Fun: I've been in a crappy mood too for the last few days - we got into an argument on Sunday, which spilled over to Monday, then this morning it was trigger after trigger & when I tried to express how I was FEELING (Tryn inspired conversation) I guess I wasn't very good at hiding how F-ing pissed off I was & he instantly got defensive. So, today was great too.
Anyway, like you - I really didn't want anything to do with him today & I even delayed leaving work so he would be basically leaving home when I arrived home.
And, I came to the conclusion that I am not really enjoying my life at all.
And that really sucks.
I made an appointment for us to meet with MC next week - and when I told my H about it - he just said "why?" like seriously - he didn't know why. OMG.
G'night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marzipan: Welcome to LTA. I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is a long painful process (as Miracle has often pointed out, and Brooke also has said, and I'm really beginning to understand that) Our tribe has given you great advice, and I want to add my support. Come here often , post and vent.

UKgirl: you are right, the sense of security must come from within. I find it hard, because everyone else was first that I didn't even take the time to build up myself inside, so in addition to dealing with all this mess, I have to deal with ME!!

Lostheart: thank you for sharing how well things are going for you. I totally agree with what you said about how wonderful the people here on SI are. They have helped me go through some of my darkest times and kept me going when I wanted to give up. The best thing about our tribe is the "reality check" I get. Because of NPD WH, I have been "trained" to always think that he is right and I am wrong, and the wonderful people here helped me to see that WH is plain crazy!!

Dip: See what I mean about reality checks? You said that one must be pretty aware of what's going on if you can hide the LTA so well. You know it isn't right, that's why it is being hidden!!

Nofun and Allgood: I've been feeling down for the past few days too. Don't know why.
Nofun: I don't know how to get out of the funk either. I keep trying to keep plodding along, trying to do nice things and live in the moment as much as I can. But the problem with that, is that I just want to plain enjoy life, but it's WORK to keep out the triggers and to not think about the sadness and to concetrate on the moment!!

Allgood: I'm so sorry you are feeling so unhappy. Your WH asking WHY? about MC, must really hurt. I think it's in the BS handbook rule # 101....try to sweep it under the rug
I hope you are feeling better soon.

I think that being here and in IC helped me to understand a trigger today. Took the car to someone who will finally fix it. They told me that the original quote will be much more. I left the shop almost in tears and they started flowing as I walked in the parking lot. I realized that it was a knee jerk reaction to the FEELING of being betrayed or lied to. I was able to take a few minutes and felt better when I understood.

It's such beautiful weather and so many of us are feeling down.

Hugs to everyone {{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning Tribe!

I woke up this morning with a bout of Miraculilitis Dipstickeria this morning, so here goes…

I am reading a book which was recommended by our wise owl here a long time ago - it’s called "The Four Agreements “and the part I read last night hit home quick. I hope it might help someone here too.It was to do with the fact that we often abuse ourselves more than anyone else does.

The author says, “and the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else….if you abuse yourself badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you and treats you like dirt…because in your belief system you say ‘I deserve it. This person is doing me a favor by being with me. I’m not worthy of love and respect. I’m not good enough’”.
He goes on to say that the more self love we have, the less we will experience self abuse, and thereby by definition experience it by others.

I have seen this in practice on our forum in the last 4 years. People who had strong healthy egos before dday, did not put up with the crap that their WS might have dared to dish out. Of course they too are devastated after dday and of course their self esteem takes a knocking but they are able bounce back relatively quickly. Others, like me, who had very low self esteems already, who were expert self abusers/flagellators, would not only take the poor behavior from others but go onto justify it to themselves whilst outwardly crying out “Why me?”.

It takes hard work to not only recognize and acknowledge this trait, but to try to put it right as well. I think for people like me, this will always be a work in progress.

**
For those of you struggling or in a funk this week, try to remember the saying, Honour your feelings.
An article I found on the net:

Rather than being defined by your feelings, look at your feelings from a point of observation and learn about yourself. Feelings are interesting. They tell us when we feel fear, anger, hurt, guilt, sadness, shame, and when we feel like crying. They tell us how we view ourselves. They also help us identify what makes us feel touched, joyful, optimistic, glad, calm, free, grateful, relieved, and proud.

There are millions of feelings! How many can you identify right now? Can you feel your feelings – negative or positive – without fear? Can you give yourself permission to look at your feelings regardless of others’ opinions?

Honoring your feelings means that you are open to knowing them. And open to speaking up to honor them.
Some feelings are so overwhelming that it may take courage to face them. Once faced, however, they can receive your love and honoring. Some of us have been conditioned to think that certain feelings are wrong. We feel ashamed for even feeling them! So we accept the false belief that when those feelings arise, they should be ignored and left unexamined.

We all suffer from not knowing our feelings. Without knowing and honoring your own feelings, and without speaking up, your actions will fail to represent you and often confuse others. By daring to look at negative feelings within, you see how much pain they are causing you.

By honoring your feelings, you allow them to surface so that you can know yourself and honor yourself more openly. You discover how to make better decisions and create new habits that free you. You learn how to speak your feelings in a loving way. Healing emerges – even physical healing.

A wonderful way of discovering your feelings is through journaling. This helps you discover the power of identifying and validating your feelings and allowing no one else to tell you what you are feeling, or that your feelings are wrong. Journaling lets you speak up – to yourself.

Love yourself by listening to your feelings, honoring them, and validating your right to feel what is within

After decades of being shutdown, in the 2nd year after d-day, I became an “expert” on acting on my feelings. I kinda mixed up honouring my feelings with acting out my feelings..lol. I had been in such denial about my feelings for years; it seemed like once the flood gates were opened, nothing could stop me! The oldies here might remember some of my acting out like the time I threw a cup of coffee at H across the table or the time I emptied the vase on him whilst he was napping or the time I threw every plate on the table at the wall or the time I threw all of H’s clothes out the front garden…I could go on and on. I can chuckle at some of them, I cringe at some and the others make me sad thinking how insane I had become- how I abused myself. Those were mad days and looking back I think if someone IRL had really looked, I would have been sectioned. Denying your feelings is not healthy; neither is playing out every one.
The roundabout point I am trying to make to you is that we should always try to honor our feelings( which doesn’t necess mean act them out). It would be great if we could share them with our Ss or someone else who cares IRL, but that is not always possible. But we can share it with ourselves. Newbies, try journaling either on SI or IRL. Just having your feelings from your heart put down in black and white is validating in itself ( Keep your journal in a safe place!).
If you don’t want to be with your H, allow yourself to have that space, whether physical or mental. If you don’t particularly like your H this week, then allow yourself to not like him, instead of forcing a positive feeling in its stead.

Ok getting of my soap box now…

Wishing you all a peaceful day.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you LostHeart, I needed that post. I don't like my H this week and so I am leaving him this weekend for a girls getaway. I just need to break free of the funk so I can have a good time.

Allgood - I find myself coming home late so I don't have to spend much time with H. He is on duty today (24 hr shift)woohoo!! Tomorrow I leave and won't be back until Sunday. I think the problem is....he wants to sweep everything under the carpet and I can't let it go. I swore I would try to move forward but there are still many unanswered questions that he will not talk about. H gets defensive and then moody and then just won't speak. That's where we are at the moment. Not speaking!

I'm starting to hate myself for putting up with this shit!! What is wrong with me?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i would like to start out with a disclaimer.. ...spent a dew hours last night in the emergency room with manchild, so exhausted is the feeling of the day..so i am amiss on something, spell worse then usual or totally off the mark..you now know why...manchild is o.k.....he inhaled some dust from chlorine tabs yesterday and the dust affected his ability to swallow and he also had some chest pain....i had called poisin control...amazing people btw...i also learned through 3 phone calls that you get to speak to the same person as to not have to explain everything all over again...so that is a good to know thing....and after the last phone call we were advised to go to the e.r....went to get neighbor across the street, emt, for directions to one of the local hospitals...and he reccommended to go by ambulance...he said manchild will be brought directly in...so by ambulance we went...they treated him for a couple of hours with treatment like they do for asthma...they also called poisin control for proper treatment to administer..and poisin control had asked before we left house which hospital, i didn't know...now i wonder if that would have been to call ahead...well anyways it was a bit of a long nite....came home close to 1 am to find dd still on computer doing h.w.... ...o.k. end of disclaimer and reason...

alex, welcome to our corner of

brooke, i think you are in the perfect place to answer this...(marzipans question)..and your 9/11 comparison was so right on...and here it is almost 9 years later from that day and the feeling are still there, i still can't hear a plane or see it in the sky without it triggering that day, but the feeling it induces is not acute, it is slowly over time putting it in a "place"....


lh2: you sound amazing to me...so put together, your course seems to be set and you seem to be going full speed ahead....i know how rough this month is for you, so being here and reaching out my friend is totally awesome...and..Miraculilitis Dipstickeria we will have to add this to our growing list of diseases...


I emptied the vase on him whilst he was napping

while i could see this as not productive, i love it...on second thought it was somewhat productive...i would imagine it felt so good to have that release

the article and quote are really good...i think i might have to check that book out...


honest:

understand a trigger today.

isn't it amazing how every single betrayal of sorts, even a mechanic will set you off...your betrayal meter is on the red part that says danger, danger..overload....so that when it comes to something like a shady mechanic, something that would still get our goats but not put us over an edge DO PUT US OVER THAT EDGE.....and there are times you feel like you will never find your way back....BUT YOU DO....remember that, you do, we all do....correction, not all of us do, i just had a reminder of a few members here who couldn't take it, even after time had passed, they couldn't take it anymore, lost in their own dispair they ended their lives....so we need to CHOOSE to do differently....we need to choose to live, and live our lives always to be the best of who we are...whether its by intense therapy to taking a pottery class...life enrichment is always an ongoing process...some of it painful, some of it fun...

so for those of you in your funks...acknowledge the feeling, then do something about it....do something FUN...even if the best you can do is rent a comedy...do it...laughter is the best relief...you have nothing to lose by trying...even if you just chuckle once...then get another movie...hopefully one that will give you more then one chuckle...i remember about a couple of days after d-day, i was mindlessly channel surfing, truly not of any kind of mind for anything...the pain i was in was acute, i had all to do to get out of bed and function, and it was xmas time...i was facing the worst xmas of my lifetime...i came across this show with this man who had these puppets, he was a vetriloquist...well i stayed on the channel for about 3minutes and he actually caught my attention, and he actually caught my etitre attention...then it went to commercial, but i still stayed on the channel, the thoughts came back to what they were while i waited...but then the show came back and for the next 15-20 minutes i laughed, really laughed...then the channel was going to show another of this man's shows..so i called my kids to come and watch the next show, and for the next hour i laughed and only during commercials did i go back to the dispair....i still remember it so so well...this man was that funny and this to me was heaven sent..it showed me that humor will help me, it showed me that i could still function at other capacities that are NOT just going through the motions....it showed me that life can be enjoyed at some levels, even if its little snippets here and there, i vowed that it would be more then that....and i won't stop til i not only have my life in a good place but keep going so that my life is always getting better....you notice i didn't say get my life back...and thats because that is not possible, i can never go back, i can never have those same feelings within my life again, so now i will reinvent my life, i am stil the same me, only now i have things in my life to bring me joy, people in my life who bring me joy...i can still have joy, yeah a certain innocense in life is gone, but that doesn't mean that i cannot have joy...

i think i've gone on long enough time for me to come down off my soapbox now...

(((tribe))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said something hurtful to FWW last night.

Yesterday was a rough day for FWW and I. She has a brand new job, and I had to interact with her OM#1 at work. We started out to end the evening watching a movie, but in the middle started talking about how we were feeling and talk drifted into the affairs.

She asked if I would have preferred if she had left me. I thought about it and told her that I would have preferred if she had left either before the affairs, or before I found out about her affairs. I could tell this was not the answer she expected.

She was very quiet this morning. When I asked, she said "it's OK", "nothing".

I thought about my answer more on my ride in. I am happy to be reconnecting with FWW, but the pain of the last 8 months, the misery of the 3-4 years before that, the loss of innocence. Compared to her divorcing me back in 2007, I think I would gladly have missed all of this.

I know she wanted me to say no, I am glad you stayed and at least we are doing better now.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

I think I would gladly have missed all of this.

me too!!!...you do have hope though, you have moments, even days where you are happy with her....those moments can turn into days, weeks and months....

and if she left you before the a ever happened, would have been the only time you would have had some peace..from infidelity anyways..

if she left after the a's, but without you knowing, you would have found out and still felt this sting...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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