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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats:

nuckingfuts.



tryn: i understand your pain so well, too well....my dd is graduating too, looking back is filled with way more sadness then i care to remember in so many ways....perspective my friend is everything...how you choose to look at that time in your life and in your daugters life...instead of looking at it for what was missing, look at it for what you believed it to be, for during that entire time that is exactly what is was for you....look at the child who is becomming this amazing woman, can you be any more proud of her...i would say probably no....whatever transpired between your wife the om was kept away from the family, the family had the perspective of being whole and moderately happy if not completely happy and that part resonates with you...i am sure your daughter was completely happy with her life......

i think about this alot...my entire marriage was a lie, but and yet it really was not a lie for me...my feelings were true, my actions were true, I WAS TRUE...MY PART IN THE MARRIAGE WAS TRUE....fuck pfm for his part...he fucked up, not i.....for me because we had so so many issues, and every single one brought on by his foo....none of my needs were ever met, but i held onto the fact that i was loved....and knowing now that i really wasn't was and still does tear me apart...but i am trying to choose to look at it differently...i believed i was loved period...so that was my reality then...as much as it was a lie...it was only a lie for him....as unhappy as i was i did feel loved...granted the way i felt loved was somewhat warped when i look back...i did what i knew a good spouse does, i loved unconditionally, i stood by my vows...i lived in freedom of choosing to be a good wife, choosing to love this man, i chose to stay with this man time and time again....and even though i am worried about one of my children, i can't help but be happy for the life that they have lived so far...they have everything i always wanted as a kid and always wanted for myself...they have the brady bunch life....my perspective needs to change to view myself as someone who believed she was loved completely...instead of i am someone who was never loved completely....as much as both statements are true the first statement helps me live in the present with much less pain...

so that is my long-winded explanation of perspective, i hope it makes sense...and i once again apologize for my dipstickitis... ....


and dip: next time you see that mixer buy it, add lots of ice and blend...pour into a large goblet that could hold a straw and put tiny milk choc morsels and a spoon to eat those scrumptious morsels...

yummy..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - It is sad, isn't it, when we realize that we weren't truly loved all those years but I promise you, in time, you will see all the other wonderful things that were going on during those years and choose to focus on the positive things.
My H has basically admitted that he didn't really love me during his LTA, that he never really knew how to love anyone, especially not the OW. He was so self-absorbed, looking only to be adored and worshipped and to fill the void in his life. He had no ability to see my needs or those of our children (other than the material needs that is). In truth, he was more attentive to our children's needs but even there it was limited.
I think until they face losing us, they really have limited capacity to appreciate and love us. The reality check of d-day forces them to examine what is important in their life and to develop a true appreciation for us. I see this so clearly now. My H is a changed man and gives me the attention and support and love that I had craved for years but stopped fighting for during his LTA.
But, back to my point,
I can look back on those years and remember all the wonderful times I was having being a sahm, being able to participate completely in their activities, travel extensively, enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle, etc.
I loved that our home was like Grand Central station, with all of my kids friends loving to spend lots of time here and making me feel like I was the coolest mom EVER!!
Yes, I would have loved to have had my H's love and attention as part of the memories of those years but I was fortunate in so many other ways, important ways, that I focus on that and a part of me really does feel sorry for my H because he missed out on a lot of love and respect when he opted out of our family life and our M.
So my advice is to rethink those years and remember the beautiful times because I'm betting you have many, many great memories too.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:57 PM, May 17th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard,
I understand exactly what you are sayig and feeling as you review the old photos from the A time.

I look and wonder what had happened just before or after the picture that day, what was she thinking. FWW says it was all compartmentalized. When she wsa having fun with me and the family she was, in that moment. And a reminder, as I am sure you would tell me, it was not the OM she was in love with during that period, it was how she felt about herself.

I have appreciated the support you have given to me lately. I hope this helps. Congratualtions on the upcoming graduation, we have a son doing HS graduation in a few weeks.

Trynhard)))

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:38 PM, May 17th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! I have been lurking this past week. Just keeping myself together.

Congratulations to everyone who has a graduation in thier family!! I guess, in a way, that can be a trigger....a rite of passage...the celebration of an accomplishment, and the end of an era and the beginning of another.

You guys are having an interesting conversation about past memories and having to rewrite the history. It is all so bittersweet. I wasn't really happy because of our lifestyle, but I felt that I should be grateful for what I had. And continued to be grateful for less and less.

I am having trouble with relearning the past. I though WH loved me. He has added another thing to his blameshifting, " I would have divorced you 10 years ago, but divorce is bad for the children and would have been for you." AND "I sacrificed all those years for you."

Really makes me feel wanted.

Miracle:

Thank you for this:

I WAS TRUE....MY PART IN THE MARRIAGE WAS TRUE...

This made me feel better and then the roller coaster hit again...I almost felt angry too. It happened twice. I put up with xWH drinking and then HE cheated and left. I put up with all the crap with current WH and he does this to me!!

Anytime the anger comes out, I hide it away almost immediately.

From reading everyone's posts, I feel so happy for you guys. It appears that a lot of you are making some good progress! Yay Mr. Allgood. That first step was probably the hardest for him and I pray he will continue to make those steps. He will realize what all of us know already, what a wonderful person you are!

Miracle: My transcript is hung up because of library fees over 20 years ago, and materials I KNOW I did not take out!!! I have to go there personally to take care of it.

WH is leaving Sat. He went to go visit friends today and we still haven't talked.

The good news is that I feel I am detaching or am trying to. I am starting to really see him for what he is, and I think I am finally falling out of love with him. I know I will always care about him, but it's almost getting to the point, that I don't even think I like him anymore.

How very sad.

{{{{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

The good news is that I feel I am detaching or am trying to. I am starting to really see him for what he is, and I think I am finally falling out of love with him. I know I will always care about him, but it's almost getting to the point, that I don't even think I like him anymore.

try not to get your hopes up of this, i know this sounds so bizaare...liking and loving are def 2 very dif things...but feeling like you are falling out of love is a huge statement...and i reallyhope for your sake that this is true...after all we actually fell in love with myths...not the real men we now see...but even then that doesn't die so easily...maybe for you it could happen because you have already spent so much time apart...but try not to get your hopes up just the same....i would think that when the love is dead this entire process is a bit easier to digest....i know for me the love is different from what it was....its not totally dead yet though...would love it if it were though...

back to you....don't rush yourself into feeling things that you may or may not feel, along those lines just let it happen...and it will...especially for you because this man is not remorseful at all...which makes it much easier to do...


are you putting off talking to him because of what it may bring afterwards?..i would totally understand that...because i think its not going to be pretty...i just hope you dont run out of time to get all the info you can...although i don't think he is going to be forthcoming with you whatsoever...i think you will have to do it all the hard way because he is a hard ass....and i am so so sorry...


make an appointment to go to that library...write on your calendar so that you force yourself to just go...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is - we began our relationship as teenagers - we didn't meet as adults. So, maybe we both missed some maturing along the way as far as interpersonal relationships. We always enjoyed each other's company & never wanted to be apart & we got married. To be honest, I never had the "soul mate" kind of feeling & that was totally fine. We never had serious conversations about out feelings. Neither one of us is comfortable with it.

This is me!! My IC asked why I married my FWH. I said I was 17 when I met him and was 20 when I married him. IC said, "say no more." And I seriously never had that "soul mate" feeling that people talk about. I remember one of my friends telling me when I was 20 that there was no such thing as love. I thought that was a horrible thing to say, but now I can believe that! I don't love my H.

Tryn - you have helped me in more ways than you know. I am sorry you are feeling down. You will pick yourself back up...it's who you are...we have all been there. I know those feelings....we all know those feelings. (((((((tryn))))))

I am feeling down in the dumps tonight. Everyone's posts are hitting home with me. I am feeling so much of what everyone else feels.

It's one of those days where I feel like running away from it all. Tomorrow will be a better day?

Thanks Tribe...you help in more ways than you know!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Funny  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

buffing my sunnies brings a few things to mind ...

however my mind is elsewhere ...

I could be waaaaayyyyy off ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one of those days where I feel like running away from it all. Tomorrow will be a better day?

i think we need some calgon!!!!!.....


calgon, mudslides and cabana boys....thats the ticket..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all... Yes... started to smile more then think about the worst... I was not unhappy during any of those times. In fact. loved every ball game, ever band concert, every Bday, vacation... it was pretty good. I even really liked my job... and investment projects... Even had fun with my wife about every weekend.. It was her that had that extra stuff going on... not me... I know this, I took the high road in my M and nobody can ever take that from me...

Ok... done with the self pep talk.. thanks Iwant...lol...

and thanks everyone else for encouragement... just know it takes time...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:06 PM, May 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, May 18th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn’ I’m sorry you’ve had a bad time triggering. It’s going to happen, but will lessen as time goes on. Hopefully just a fleeting sad feeling is what you can get to when looking back. For me the crying was about what I had lost, our whole history ripped to shreds and unrecognisable as belonging to me. But it’s true what everyone else here has said and something that really struck a chord with me. I forget who said it first, but my time in the marriage was true. I have to hold on to those feelings and good times, even though H was “elsewhere”. For me, they WERE my reality. His reality might have been shit, but mine wasn’t. But I don’t really look at photos much. H doesn’t “do” photos, he says he doesn’t need them, the photo’s are all in his memories….. Best not go there. I have deleted or thrown out quite a few and I don’t regret it. Kept the ones of the boys, of course, but I don’t want to examine the looks on his face, so many of those pics have gone. Create new memories from the photos of your DD and her party. Somehow the time from being in nursery to graduation seems so short when memories of their little days are so clear. I’m sure you will put on a great open house – enjoy it!

I loved that our home was like Grand Central station, with all of my kids friends loving to spend lots of time here
Same here. Our house is in town and so there was a lot of comings and goings. It’s nice to feel that their friends could crash here – I used to get up in the morning and count the shoes in the hallway – including the girls! Yep, it used to be like a B&B here on weekends and I liked it.

Honest, do NOT allow your WH to project and blameshift. He is talking shit. WAS going to divorce you but didn’t “because of the kids”? He didn’t because he was cake-eating and enjoying every moment of his perceived successful life. He didn’t because he wanted YOU there taking care of everything. He didn’t because of his family. The man is a total fuckwit and I am glad you are disentangling yourself. Take control of where things are going. What is there to talk about? Havent you reached an impasse? But the first thing is to make an appt at the library and get that sorted out!!! Oh, and then make an appt with your lawyer……. Have you done this yet?

What is "buffing my sunnies?"
Something done better by a nice looking bloke in a white jacket and a big smile…….
We lose that deep intimate feeling we had. It happened to me. I coped… and was happy shifting my life experiences to work and kids events… Yes, W and I had fun times to but it was usually with other couples, our families.. It was hardly ever, just me and her… I think many M get to this point… I would even venture to say all do…
AAArrrrggggghhhh!!!! We had children WE wanted. And while we did lots of child based activities and went to parties and such like, we regularly had “our” time. We got babysitters to go out either together or to meet up with others. We got parents up to house, dog and babysit while we went off for a week. We went to Barbados three or four times. We went to the Canaries and Spain. We went away for weekend breaks. We went on holiday with parents and IL’s so we could have time out for US. We were not solely child focused. And we never stopped having sex either. Okay, it got perfunctory but that was when he was in the affair – he was having the best sex (which he once had with me) with HER. What more could I do? I kept fit and everything, bought nice clothes, kept a nice house, looked after him; he certainly could never say “my wife has let herself go” or “my wife doesn’t love me”. When he was in the first year of the affair, he wrote to me saying that he looked at all the other forty-somethings falling apart and realised how lucky he was in me. For fuck’s sake – he was shagging MOW at the time, so WTF was that about? The start of him being undecided, his dilemma, playing us off against each other in his own mind? >>>sigh<<< Just getting it out there.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:31 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 18th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TGIFriday mudslide recipe:
1 ½ oz vodka
1 1/2oz Baileys
1 1/2oz Kahlua
1 1/2oz cream
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
2 scoops chocolate ice cream
8 ice cubes
Crush ice cubes in a blender, add remaining ingredients, blend on high for 45secs. Serve in a Hurricane glass.
Sounds very decadent! Jose! – Uno para mi, por favor!! Oh, y brille mis gafas de sol, gracias


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 18th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: Lol, sometimes I think you have ESP or are a mind reader.
I believe you are right. I think I am putting off the inevitable. I AM putting off talking to him because of what I believe will happen afterward. Frankly, I'm scared of not being able to handle it emotionally. I'm afraid of him twisting and turning my words and emotions. I think I've been trying to heal on my own and get strong enough to do it. I feel I'm almost ready and detaching is important for me.

You are right, I can't just fall out of love because I want to. I am not trying to demonize him, but really see him for what he is. For me to start to actually not like him is important, because we started out as friends.

I believe now that I'm getting less emotional, I can really decide exactly what I want to do and not make decisions from a purely emotional level.

UKgirl: thank you for reminding me that he is blameshifting. LOL, he does is so well, that I end up believing him. I have seen a lawyer, matter of fact a couple of them.

It seems like I'm procrastinating, maybe I am. But I really feel I'm trying to be stronger. I KNOW in my GUT that this will turn out to be the fight of my life and I'm preparing myself mentally and emotionally so I don't back down from him.

Thank you all for your support. I believe I'm dealing with a NPD who might also have ADD ( damn acronyms!) whatever you may want to label it, I know for sure that he is messed up!


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WAS TRUE...MY PART IN THE MARRIAGE WAS TRUE....fuck pfm for his part...he fucked up, not i..

That's what helps me. When I look back on pics of the kids, I think BA, DA and AA. The other day, we rode our bikes past the middle school. My H said he kinda had forgotten that middle school....duh...he was in the middle of his A. I thought "how sad". Thank God I was in my right mind to be there for my children. But it's sad to think of my happy memories helping out at that school and he doesn't even remember. There are days when I just can't believe my H was involved in a LTA.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG - what happened? I couldn't get on here all day yesterday or this morning!

I feel so relieved now.

There are days when I just can't believe my H was involved in a LTA.

Same here.
I was just thinking how much better things have been between my husband & I over the past 6 weeks & I can't help but think that maybe he was still involved with ow in some way the months before that & that's why things are better now.
For a minute - I think "no way!", then I think "is it possible? yes, anything is possible with him".
So - that bothers me - plus my research seems to indicate that ow was still pining for my H 5-6 months after their last contact. Makes me wonder. Would she still be pining for him after 5-6 months - or did he string her along for longer than that. All I can think about is the difference in attitude & how maybe it was after I insisted that I receive his paystubs (so I could check to see if he was taking time off from work to see her), that it just became too difficult for him to continue the double life.
I could be misinterpreting my research tho - it's definitely subject to interpretation.
I could ask to see some of his records from work to see if he took time off - but I don't know if that's a good idea. What would it really accomplish?

Anyway.

Honest: you sound well. I agree - heal yourself 1st. You need to be strong for the fight. And - as much as you want closure- it's better to do it right than to do it fast.

Fun: if you don't love your H - why are you trying to reconcile? If I didn't love my H - I would've left.

Tryn - hope you are well.

Uk Girl:

We had children WE wanted

Pisses me off too. He was the one who wanted to have kids right away, so that we basically had 2 years alone before the birth of our 1st child & as we were piss poor, we didn't get to do anything good - no vacations other than our honeymoon, etc.
I guess people don't realize the long term repurcusions of bringing a child into the world. Like you said - his loss. I know I was there for my kids & I don't regret a second of it.

Peace.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my gosh...i am so so so happy si is up and running again....huge withdrawal..and yesterday i had just finished typing a post, one of my long ones only to see it disappear.... ...so here goes again..

honest:

what I believe will happen afterward. Frankly, I'm scared of not being able to handle it emotionally. I'm afraid of him twisting and turning my words and emotions.

please prepare yourself, he will twist and turn your words as you think he will, i believe you need to mentally prepare for all of it, everything he is going to throw at you....because i too believe he will, he is backed into a corner, he doesn't like losing control and he will react from a standpoint of fear which is not a good one....

feel I'm almost ready and detaching is important for me.
For me to start to actually not like him is important,

you may not be as detached as you would like, and not liking him will be key for you.....when he twists your words and gets down and dirty use your anger instead of your hurt....draw power from that anger...the hurt will be there and i won't lie i think it will hurt like hell if you are not really detached, if you are detached you should feel a numbness....

i think you putting this off until just before he leaves is a good idea as long as you think you will have enough time to gather whatever info you think he will give you...

i think you should have a list of questions ready so that when he deflects the question you have it in front of you and could use the list as a reminder of all that you need and a way to keep him and you on track...and write down his answers, you may be so charged up you might forget some stuff....

i also think you need to have answers ready for him, a way to keep him on topic....and try as hard as it might be to keep your cool.....become the best damned actress of your life...

i will be praying for you, for you to get what you need from him and for it to be as peaceful as possible...

believe:

There are days when I just can't believe my H was involved in a LTA.

i think we all feel like this, its almost like watching your story on tv, if feels so surreal...this story that is being played out just cannot be "my" life...but it is...


allgood:

I feel so relieved now

me too, it kind of felt like a piece of me was missing...this connection has come to mean so much, i actually felt somewhat lost...


Would she still be pining for him after 5-6 months

i have found through just general experience, for women...we as a species do not move on til we replace more often then not....especially those women who are not so emotionally healthy, or at least sure of who they are as a person...the more feelings and emotions that the woman and/or girl feels the longer it will take and the more likely she will need replacement therapy so to speak...you never really quite get over your last love til you find your next love...and even then he has shoes to fill...


as i was power walking this am i was happy, and i realized that i love my life....granted the part of my life that contains pfm ...not so much, actually not happy with that part at all...but he is slowly becomming a smaller and smaller part of my life on the whole..i am actively trying to see him as family and not my husband, and this is getting easier.....this is of course a work in progress, still suceptible to setbacks, but i am hopeful and holding strong....as much as i can....

i know i want more in my life....and this too is a work in progress....in the meantime i am trying to appreciate what each day brings, i am trying to enjoy my kids, as they are all teens, i know my time with them is limited and soon they will fly as they should....so for today, this minute in the present i love my life still hours later from this am....and with god's grace i will feel this good at the end of the day too...


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank goodness it was only down for 24hrs! Every time it happens, I keep looking at my laptop and think "try again? yes, it was only 10mins ago, but maybe....?"

It seems like I'm procrastinating, maybe I am.
Well, think of it as sorting things out in your head, getting things in order, finding out just what you have to do, where you are going to go and how you are going to accomplish that. After all you have been through so far, I really wouldn’t call it procrastinating. As for the falling out of love, I think you can do that. I think anyone can, if they choose to. Think with your head and not your heart. Repeat things to yourself over and over. There was an article in yesterday’s paper titled “To mend your broken heart, use your head” and it is a 7-step process to move on as quickly as possible. You can download the worksheet from activinsight.com. If you want to know more, pm me and I’ll give you a gist of the process (it was two pages in the paper). It might help. It was certainly interesting.

There are days when I just can't believe my H was involved in a LTA.
Same here. Actually, most days I can’t. And when I do think about it, I can’t understand why he didn’t leave. It’s all just beyond my comprehension.

Would she still be pining for him after 5-6 months - or did he string her along for longer than that.
Allgood, my H strung MOW along until he was categorically told to stop it. He then had to be told to send a NC letter, which he wouldn’t do until after she turned up on the doorstep. Yes, it was my fault for contacting her some months later, but she started texting him again – which he ignored. And I agree that, very often, a woman needs a replacement before she is ready to let go. Unfortunately, for me, I don’t think MOW will ever let go in her heart and is still pining to this day. She certainly was two YEARS after H dumped her – her BH told me. Sheesh. But that doesn’t matter because you have to trust your FWH at some point and you should also trust your heightened sense of alertness.

i know my time with them is limited and soon they will fly as they should....
Enjoy them honey. Love them fiercely. And when they go, yes it is sad – I was broken hearted with the three going off in one go – but know they have gone with your blessing and love and know you have done a brilliant job. I know I have. And I know they love their mothergoose!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood - I don't love my husband...that ended on Dday. I do like him though. I enjoy his company, I enjoy our family. I am finally happy with me. I am content for now. He is doing the best he can and the biggie is he's going to IC. I think part of me hopes my feelings for him will return in time. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could not get on SI yesterday either. Then today I could not get on the internet at all! For several hours! I was afraid the SI curse was spreading. Then I found out internet service was out over a large area. Whew, this down time is a worry.

UKgirl. Thanks for the info about the mudslides. I think I will use moonshine instead of vodka and 3 scoops of choc icecream, no vanilla.

Tribe. It is hard to believe/understand/accept, that the WS did really have a LTA. You know it is true, you know it happened, but something in your head says " I can't fucking believe this shit!" I suppose this is normal. Shock/trauma hits hard and seems to stay around for quite a while.

Hopefully SI and the internet have all been fixed so all of us will have a place to hang out.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to be back. I think I should start sending my donations when the site is running, not after it crashes. I am worried about operant conditioning.

I "know" FWW was involved with the OM for 4 years; it is only when I start to think about what that meant day in and day out that it really begins to gnaw at me. Going to them for advice, for comfort, to share successes, for sex, … Oh well.

On the positive side, FWW's job in hell working for "the chin" is coming to an end, but she has two interviews for higher paying jobs with better security. I will be glad to see this chapter end. I counseled against taking this current job, but OM#2 used it as an opportunity to tell her how great she is, and how great a job she would do, so she took it. It has been an absolute nightmare.

It has been an emotionally draining couple of weeks judging by the receipts from the liquor store. I do not drink many of those hoity-toity drinks like the mudslides you all have been discussion, too many calories for my boyish figure. I do like my cocktails and shots, but after killing the better part of 5 liters of booze in 2 weeks I am switching to beer.

So Cheers all.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honesttoafault… I just cannot believe what your H tells you. He has some serious issues. I know this… telling you that is the opposite of that love called affirmation. Honest… keep moving toward a new happiness… you can do it.. Did you see what Booger has done? Anyway, we are lucky to have Iwant… she is right on…

Nofun and Allgood… I met my W when she was 18 and me 21.. We are the soul mates!We’ve been together for years and years… No way those other lovers know them like us. NO WAY… Let me give you a gross example… Don’t read past here if you cannot take something gross only a soul mate can do… Wonder if OM ever put that treatment ointment on my W ass after her hemorrhoid surgery? Now that is a soul mate! I do thank you fine ladies for your support and words… It does help… I had a real bad morning.. but over it now… and it’s easier to look at those pictures in a different way too… it’s easier.

Nofun… I refuse to believe you don’t love your H. If you make him dinner, that is a gift of love. If you hug him… yep, that is love. Just by living in the same house… sharing the bed… you are giving him the gift of security. You are making choices to love him by doing those things. Love is not a feeling ya know… It is an act, it is performed, it’s doing something. You have feelings that might be… no lust for him anymore and that will lead to you saying “NO WAY”…. You might be angry because of triggers and thoughts of his history… sadness… etc… Just know you are loving him and that is your choice right now. One day, you may decide not to..

UK… Those pictures made me think about how shitty she treated me. Today, she has changed in a big way. I am not kidding when I tell you she just does not turn me away for sex… and she has initiated too… plus, she now has started to give me some affirmation. I sense she is not happy though… She says it’s because the kids are moving on… I have showered her with everything I have… If it’s me, then we have a big problem because I cannot do more…. I’ll PM you my address… Take some dry Ice and overnight me one of those drinks! No, make it 3 or 4. Lol

Atsenaotie… just know that you will have these thoughts for a long time into the future. It is ok to have those thoughts… stay loving. This week, I wanted to tell my W how I cried… but held off because I didn’t want her to hurt. But for some reason, that night, she made a point to snuggle real close to me… Heck.. maybe she read my body language.. lol.. anyway it made me feel real good.

Peace to all...

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:41 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]


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