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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i know honest, i really do...the connections that you make now, hurt....you now see the things from the perspective of truth...and sometimes the truth hurts....yes your ws is and was as ukgirl would affectionately call him a 'fucktard'....he was and is a very selfish man, a man who thought and still thinks he could have everything his heart and penis desire...and for a while he did....then he got more full of himself and actually believes he doesn't have to hide it anymore and could STILL have it all...i think the man really believes that you will come around....and he will do and say anything to "MAKE" you .....

i agree with lh2, the less contact the better...maybe phone tag should be in order...call when you know you will get voicemail, and make sure he always gets voicemail...

and as far as venting...i think you need to do far more then you do now...have you really lost it yet, i mean really ranting and raving lost it...it really is an amazing feeling afterwards releasing all the toxicity that you hold....bout a week or so ago i had started a thread in general just for that purpose, just screaming and yelling and crying all the same time, and typing it all out...i had so much built up, it needed to be released...i actually had 2 vents on it....try it...here or in general...i like general because for me i feel like i need to get it out to everyone, not for the hugs either, because the last vent was started just to get it out....it just felt better to me releasing it to the vast universe kind of thing...i am a bit crazy now and then...kind of like my way of telling the universe that there is just so much you can fuck with me...its time to work with me...

anyways, i think you need to do a vent...with cursing and everything...


((((honest))))

lh2: you rock too, here you are, look at you, giving support in "june"...reaching out to help really helps us you know when we have our own shit...its almost like reaching that hand out and back to ourselves...don't konw if i making any sense to anyone but myself here...and/or projecting my thoughts onto you my friend...and you rock too...you always have..


allgood: i am so sorry that you are in the infidelity "funk"..it sucks, you feel like it really is the same old shit, except it doesn't feel "old"...it just hurts..i am glad that you are reading at least...are you running?...whenever you are ready, we are here...and know that we have all repeated ourselves over and over again...the enormity of all of it takes a while to sink in...it is so hard for all of us to wrap our brains and our precious hearts around it all...and it hurts...

((((allgood))))


ats:

It still changes, last week was great, this weekend after a bunch of subtle triggers I would leave. Until I can get 3 - 4 months in a row with a consistent feeling I really do not know what I feel.

ooh my gosh, you are doing amazing....of course you will be back and forth, and you are so smart about it too....you are waiting for the feeling to have an even keel so speak...where they don't change, where you either feel good most of the time or the opposite..

as long as its triggers and triggers only that put you back in your "nightmare place"...you will not only be fine i believe, but i really believe you will find a sense of peace and happiness...will the happiness be like the happiness of old...NO, not a shot...but who cares, as long as you feel happy...yes that sense of innocense is gone and it will never come back, and thats o.k...you don't need to have that to be happy...happiness is where you have a smile on your face, happiness is when you look forward to being and spending time with that person, happiness is so so many things...and ats i really believe that you will achieve that sense of happiness....triggers suck, they really really suck...and finding the strength to not give into them sometimes feel like an impossible feat...you feel like when will ever end, will it ever end....but they do, they get less and less and you learn how to deal with each of them...you learn how to acknowledge the trigger and then you learn how to put it away....and then you go back to whatever you were doing...

now as far as upcoming events...in life we will always be faced with people and or circumstances that give us that momentary pause or that sense of tension or even a sense of dread...this is a part of life....we cannot always avoid them, i have found for me, facing it head on and acknowledging my feelings on it helps...avoiding it only makes me feel more tension and stress...so talk it out, with us, with your wife...it doesn't make the encounter that coming go away but it does help with the stress you feel, it doesn't make the encounter thats coming feel like its nothing, it just sorts out what you feel about it, sometimes all we need is to acknowledge what we feel, validate ourselves, and then role play the encounter in your head...prepare yourself if you will, so that when it happens you are prepared for whatever you feel and can express what you need to move on from the situation....

anyways your stepdaughter did what she did, whether it was out of loyalty, fear or whatever ..she did what she did....i hope you find a way to forgive her...sometimes in this kind of stuff people do not know what to do....and she was truly between a rock and a hard place...


(((ats)))


talking about this role playing brings me back a bit, just a bit though...i used to do this all the time where my inlaws were concerned...i would actually role play in my head, trying to see everything that can happen...of course my inlaws are so fucked up there was no way to forsee half of what was pulled...but i was prepared for the other half...and in that half i felt better because i was able to forsee it and deal with it before it happened...the half i couldn't forsee...well those i kind of just went with it because i really didn't have a choice...and i think because of the half i couldn't forsee i would stress myself out to the point of getting sick from it, til finally i just said "fuck them",..i started to put my kids and myself first and decided the rest of them could go to hell, i would no longer let myself be ruled by this foolish need to do the right thing...even at my expense...and then i realized that if it was at my expense or my kids expense it wasn't the right thing after all..so i finally stood my ground and most of the tension was gone...i didnt give them any more of my power..and for the times that i had to deal with them...i went back to role play and for the stuff i couldn't forsee i took the attitude that if anything out there occurred, i would react accordingly and god help them because i would be fine, because i would be taking care of me first and foremost and that of course included my kids,...and i no longer cared about what pfm wanted or didnt want with his family...i had to live my truth and my beliefs...and that is when life actually got better, but not for long, because then, ironically, is also when i discovered my husbands betrayals..

but i will be ok...i am taking this power back too, i gave away so much of who i was...not anymore...i am woman, hear me roar...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will be the first time I have seen stepdaughter #2 in person since I learned she knew of the affairs. We had always gotten along very well. I understand why she could not say anything to me, but I still feel betrayed by her also.
I think you have to let that feeling of betrayal go. As a child (she will always be the child) she was in a clef stick. If anything, you should have sympathy for her and what she has had to hold on to. She is probably feeling relieved of that burden now. If children (whatever age they are) are holding these sorts of secrets, they are in a no-win situation. Just be glad for her that it’s over.

These events are going to happen at sometime or other. The trick is to concentrate on the person the event is for. Not how things should be or how they were. The person whose day it is should be the focus for your attention and feel your happiness for them. Take control for the day – you can collapse the day after!

As to the nightmares, I used to sleep like a top until d-day. Nightmares and disturbing dreams are fairly normal now. Nightmares and insomnia for at least a year. I was concerned enough about my dreams to buy a book and find out a little more. My subconscious was trying to tell me something. When I read the meanings, they all made sense. There are a couple of websites, but my book is much better as I can link several things in a dream to make sense of the whole. Although I suppose AD’s or sleeping tabs might have an effect on the dreaming state.

As for deadlines. We each have our own and I think you just know when you’ve reached it.

and as far as venting...i think you need to do far more then you do now...have you really lost it yet, i mean really ranting and raving lost it...
Hmm. I did that a few times in this forum. And I tell you it felt gooooood! It was like “how many times can you use ‘fuck’ in one post” As you know, I can use A LOT Get it out there and vent away.

(((Allgood))) Not posting is fine – just pull up a chair and listen in every now and then!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostheart: You are very perceptive. I do have a lot of FOO issues too, which I believe is another reason why I put up with so much over the years. One day I was talking to DS35 and said what is wrong with me that 2 husbands did this to me? He said that there is nothing wrong with me, I just made bad choices. You are also correct that the less I have contact with him, the better. I've started just contacting via email and he is starting to reply that way instead of calling. It's good and bad.....emotions hurt because he is letting go too....all emotions, and it's illogical, I still want to FEEL he still loves me even though I'm trying to detach. It's just the rejection feeling I know.
I can't thank you enough for your support, saying that I was a survivor really helped. My goal is not only to survive, but thrive.

Atsen: What wise words about waiting until you feel an even keel one way or another for 3-4 months!! We ride this roller coaster so much that sometimes at the moment we feel that is the way it is. My IC kept telling me not to make decisions from an emotional place or knee jerk reactions.
As for nightmares, UKgirl has given some good advice. I truly believe that a lot of our dreams/nightmares are the subconscious' way of working out things that bother us. Of course it is not all logic because our brains do not function that way. There is a lot of sensory input that the brain deals with too, including emotions.
With the upcoming event with the stepdaughters, I do truly understand the conflicting emotions that you will experience. I had the same thing with many of WH's relatives, and ones that I was very close to, who knew for years. Logically, I understood why they didn't tell me BUT the FEELING of betrayal is there, even though it is NOT. That is something I had to keep repeating to myself so I FELT it too. It still hurts big time.

Miracle: Thank you so much for the perspective:

....he got more full of himself and actually believes he doesn't have to hide it anymore and could STILL have it all...i think the man really believes that you will come around....and he will do and say anything to "MAKE" you.....

I can't tell you how much this helps!!! I had been dealing with WHY did he decide to tell me, was he ready to lose me, he didn't care anymore? (which is true to an extent) He chose THEM (not just her) over me because he said he didn't want to hide them anymore from me. He took a chance, probably believing that I was so desperate that I would finally accept, and if I didn't, he would get me to come around some way. He wouldn't let me go completely, but was willing and is willing to discontinue the charade of being "truly married". He said he wanted to be free. Do what he wants without me saying anything. It was up to me to accept or not. BUT, I guess the thing that hurts is that he is willing to lose me.
Have I really lost it? Not the way I should have. I know I yelled at him 2-3 times right after dday and he just took it. But really raving and ranting? NO. I think I need to. With first xWH, I know I beat up the bed a few times until I exhausted myself. One time, as I was loading the 2 liter soda bottles in a bag for the deposits, the bag fell over and I started throwing the empty plastic bottles all over the kitchen. (The ONLY time in my life I threw things) Actually it was kind of funny because xWH put his head in the kitchen and had to duck from being hit. He used to tease me about it, asshole just thought I was just angry about something else. TOO BAD I MISSED
I guess I should try a vent in general. I almost am afraid of unleashing all that anger!! If the floodgates open I'll be out of control.

Allgood: We are here whenever you want to post, vent or rant.

Thank you all. I was not going to write all I did, but I came to realize that when I read other's posts that share what they went through and the emotions and thought processes, it is extremely helpful to me. I can empathize and commiserate with what is being said ans so often there is an "AHA" moment that really helps me.
I hope that by sharing my crazy thoughts and emotions, it will help someone else too.

{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand why she could not say anything to me, but I still feel betrayed by her also.

Of course you do, Ats.
I guess the way she conducts herself hereon would determine the future of your relationship, ie whether she asks for your forgiveness, which I believe she should.
I agree with Miracle about not putting too much pressure on yourself to behave the way that is expected, but rather the way which is best for you.

Is your W aware of your feelings re next week? I know there are many WS who just dont know how to support their BS - this is something tangible she can help with you with.

***
Miracle,

its almost like reaching that hand out and back to ourselves...don't konw if i making any sense to anyone but myself here...and/or projecting my thoughts onto you my friend

I know exactly what you mean!
By the way, did Sandra Bullock give you permission to change her name?? Talk about a huge freudian slip!

***
Honest,

I started throwing the empty plastic bottles all over the kitchen. (The ONLY time in my life I threw things

The ONLY time??!!
Lady! You just HAVE to do this more often (just make sure all your good stuff is put away). I cant tell you what a good feeling this is. Do you have any of H's clothing? Go buy a decent pair of scissors!
However I do not suggest destroying/getting rid of pictures/jewellery or anything valuable just yet. Pack that away for year 2.

And Honest, its not that I am perceptive - I just recognise a kindred wounded spirit.

You know something, Honest, not long after I joined my present IC she told me that one day I was going to be so strong that H will want me the way I wanted him then...but I wouldnt want him.He would be drawn to my strength and I would be repelled by his weakness (if he chose not to work on himself). At that time, I told her straight off that she was wrong - that I KNOW that I would always love H with all my heart and would never leave him.
That was some 2.5 years ago.

I am telling you the same thing now.
Honest, You are going to work on building yourself up. you are going to get stronger and you are going to learn to love and appreciate yourself, such that you wouldnt need someone as dysfunctional and abusive as your WH. You will want a strong loving man who is faithful and caring, (like our Tribemen )and not expect anything less.

I dont know what the purpose of your journey is, Honest (heck I am still figuring mine out )but like you said, you will survive and thrive!

take care.

***
This is a callout to some of the oldies - it would be nice if you pen a few lines to let us know how you getting on.

(((((((Tribe))))))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, did Sandra Bullock give you permission to change her name?? Talk about a huge freudian slip!

...and that is some slip isn't it....


no spelling bee for me....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 6th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol, Lost, that was the only time I did and that was 20 years ago!! I think I learned to control myself from my mother. She had given xWH a mug that said" #1 son-in-law" and she took that mug one day and threw it out the door! and that was it!! LOL.
I have taken down any pics of WH off the walls and he is so dense he hasn't noticed
To tell the truth, I really am afraid of losing control of my anger that I might destroy the house
LOL, with my xWH (20 years ago) I decided to take back the master bedroom which was blue (MY favorite color) and decided to paint it pink as a symbol. Well, I didn't prime it, so it turned out to be some horrid Floridian Flamingo pink!!! (the old fashioned kind)
Lost and Miracle thank you so much for all your kind wisdom.
I also want to thank everyone else for all your support. It's terrible, but I wonder if I'm being weak that I can't do it myself and am being a pathetic, whiny complainer, but I do realize, that I'm not just complaining, I'm drowning sometimes and am trying to survive. Thank you all so very much.
I just hope that I can give you guys as much help and support as I've received here. Luv ya guys!!!

{{{{Tribe}}}

and Lost, you are right, we have great "Tribesmen" here. It always bothers me that so many times you see the nice guys get the bitches and the nice girls get the bastards!!
I wish the bastards and the bitches could end up together as they deserve each other, poetic justice and the nice people would find each other!!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to respond to everyone - but there's a lot of catching up to do so I will probably break it up into pieces throughout the day, subject, of course, to my daughter's unrelenting demands. Lol..

Honest:

It's terrible, but I wonder if I'm being weak that I can't do it myself and am being a pathetic, whiny complainer

(Sigh). Sometimes I feel like this too. I dont know if any of you caught the discussions taking place on another forum - apparently a member was reprimanded about something & he/she left a pretty abusive message for one of the mods & the whole exchange was published here. In the message, he/she was basically calling everyone here losers, etc.
Obviously, this person has his/her own issues & is not to be taken seriously, but it did make me think.
It's not whining. It's not hanging on to the pain for attention, etc. It's not that we don't have anything better to do with our time. Are we weak? Yes, I'd say we are all weakened by the experience - doesn't mean we are weak individuals. I think infidelity is really not understood by anyone other than someone who has experienced it first hand. I am a perfect example - do you know how many people have discussed their infidelity with me as their attorney? Too many to count. Anyway, other than ic, this is really the only place to get support & while we may normally be strong independent confident people, the uniqueness of this experience - as far as the mental & emotional torture day in and day out - not only in trying to understand the A, what led up to it, the TT, the WS stupidity, etc. makes it very difficult. I cannot believe how many times I've read something here & had an "A-ha" moment - you know what I mean.
I try to think of the things I've read here when I'm not feeling strong & it really has helped.
O- and the room painting - that is funny & that is something I would do (I truly have NO patience). LOl.
Well - gotta get the 1st kid off to school - I'll be back later.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:25 AM, June 7th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

venting, put me in the column as favoring venting. Prior to dday I almost never acted out emotionally, I just swallowed it all. Overtime I had high blood pressure, depression and anxiety, and a cheating wife. Since dday I am allowing myself to express anger as well as the "kinder, gentler" emotions. It has taken a while to calibrate and control my outbursts once I allowed them (scared the hell out of FWW the first few times I really let go), but I have it controlled now I think. I can hold to find an appropriate thing to throw (pillow yes, lamp no ). The other day I was mad and felt like I wanted to act out physically, but I was able to redirect that. I also take some bicycle rides on loud commercial streets where I can yell obscenities to my heart’s content; it helps.

Lost Heart2,

... told me that one day I was going to be so strong that H will want me the way I wanted him then...but I wouldnt want him.He would be drawn to my strength and I would be repelled by his weakness (if he chose not to work on himself).

The statement you posted really spoke to what I am feeling. I have done a lot of work on myself, going back to 2007 when I was convinced there was no A. I am not the person I was in 2007, and I have much more self-confidence and empathy. FWW is now the W I wanted and thought I had 20 years ago, but the "weaknesses" in FWW are now at times glaring. While I realize we all have strengths and weaknesses, but I wonder. Once the blinders are off, you get to look at everything anew.

I appreciate the comments and support over the weekend. The recent triggers, the up-coming visits, life in general were all closing in on me and I reverted to old behavior patterns. Sunday, FWW confronted me with what is wrong we need to talk. It was a difficult discussion (about 45 minutes) as at that point I was not sure what was wrong, and most of what I thought was the problem linked back to things she did during A and after dday. I got tense with her, and bless her she stuck through it with me. She began to feel defensive, but did not withdrawal. Long story short, talking is always better than stuffing. I found she was having the same issues with nightmares and anxiety. She had started making lists and planning for the upcoming weekend. This is a surprise as she used to ridicule my mother and I for our constant lists and schedules for events.

Part of my recent issues had been FWW making physical contact (hugs, back scratch, touching) which is my primary love language. I was angry ( ) feeling she was only doing this out of a sense of duty or guilt and so I was rejecting her. She says that she realized during the recent talk that she needed the contact as much as I did. That she needed to hold me, that she needed to touch me and be reassured. This is a real change for her. Just a few weeks ago in MC, she had restated that she did not want or need hugs, but I guess that is changing.

Nightmares are still occurring, but they are a little more optimistic in nature.

You are all right about stepdaughter#2. She has carried a terrible secret for over 3 years. She did actually try to give me a hint early on. She pointed out FWW had lost weight, had new clothes, was working out, and getting hair and nails done, and asked me what I thought. I sarcastically said it looked like FWW was having an affair. I remember that night because FWW hit the roof and poured into me about how she was just doing nice things for herself because nobody ever does anything nice for her. Truth is she was 6 months into her A with OM#1. FWW had told her DD’s about her A’s thinking they would be happy for her. They were not, and stepdaughter#2 especially would challenge FWW on her A every time she would visit. Still, stepdaughter#2 and I would stay up late when she visited and have drinks on the porch talking and joking and she never said anything.

Finally, I appreciate the kind comments about Tribesmen, but I am not so good a person as I present online. Tryn and dip are amazing in how they are able to work through and explain these things, but I am still very much a work in progress. OTOH, I do sympathize with the on going struggles many (most?) of you have with your FWSs. I am indeed fortunate that FWW is really doing the best she can to heal herself and us.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

To tell the truth, I really am afraid of losing control of my anger that I might destroy the house

there are so many ways to vent, and the point is my friend that you NEED TO VENT....you need to purge it all, you will feel so spent when its done and surprisingly restored...almost like a wieght was lifted..

and if you feel that explosive, then go outside and power walk, or jog or run....then sit down and allow yourself to feel all that you are holding back on, and allow yourself to get really angry the ugly angry, punch some pillows, or write out a vent...i think you should absolutely write it out at soome point in time, even if you show no one, or post it here to everyone or just us on lta, you need to allow yourself the "right" to say your peace...with no interruptions, no one telling you that you are crazy, no one telling you that you do not have the right to feel the way you do....

(((honest)))


ats: i do love reading your posts, even though they are not always rosy and light they are always filled with progress and hope, you may not always see it through your hurt and pain, but we do....

I appreciate the kind comments about Tribesmen, but I am not so good a person as I present online.

did you kill someone??

did you rape someone??

did you rob someone??

did you beat someone??

aside from those, i couldn't imagine anything else that would denote you being a bad person....and then depending on the circumstances we might understand killing, or beating someone...and maybe even robbing someone depending on who you robbed...

i wish you could see the progress that the rest of see...in both you and your wife...and i am glad that you are looking at your sd's perspective in this mess...you have this ability to see beyond your pain, and even feel for the other...empathy under this circumstance isn't always easy to acheive


(((tribe)))

oh and yes allgood i did see that post on the banned member...she was a piece of work...but still i cant help wondering how she changed, or what happened for her to become so angry after all this time...did this whole mess just drive her over the edge...i watched kate plus 8 last nite, the first part anyways...and on one hand i felt so sorry for her, 8 kids, doing it all alone...i always understood why she took control of her marriage way back when...there is no way not to, a husband who apparantly seemed useless at times and quite passive...all those kids, you kind of have to take control...i could relate...but she does seem to complain all the time making it quite difficult to see through it all...when she talks about her kids you could see she loves them dearly, sometimes her interaction with them is warm, sometimes you want to crack her one...but still i wonder to get to this point ...the hurt that drives us, the hurt that influences our choices...not all of us have the grace and class of sandra bullock...kate certainly does not...i hope to be more like sandra...she too takes control of what she needs to, and she does it with such finesse...love her...o.k. latest ramble over..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest. I will start with you. Friday, I did not take your rant about men as a personal assualt. I know what you are saying. I had/have friends and co-workers who's H thought they were such great Hs because they mowed the lawn, and took out the trash once a week. I have seen the reverse also. The W has a H who will be responsible for almost everything. I will say that most of the marriages I know about, the W is the one who ends up pulling the largest load in a M. Now that is a safe thing to say to a fourm that is 90% women. I am such a suck up.

I was raised in a pretty stable atmosphere. My father was the boss, but my mom had a lot of say so about everything. He put our best interests first, believed in honesty and did not like anyone to keep secrets. As a kid, I even got asked to voice my opinion about stuff. I guess all of this sunk in. I know that for awhile I thought every one had this kind of life. When I got M I wanted it to be a equal partnership. I'm not a wonderfull H, just someone who was taught to be the way I am, and choose to follow that teaching. Thanks for the compliment.

Your H is not rejecting you. He set you up to reject him. He thinks he made a fair offer to "let" you have half of him. Now he can think/say she is rejecting me. How can she reject the great me? He for sure has a lot of NPD. Those people have their own rules about how life is for them. They can really treat someone nice, but usually that is done in order to get what they want. Be strong and adapt some of that NPD thinking. Put yourself first. Try to remember that you are going to need to be #1 from now on.

UKgirl. Thanks for the explaination about mockers. I thought it had something to do with boobs.

miracle. All those blinking eyes almost made me dizzy. If you did that IRL you would probably be dizzy and sent to one of those instiutions for compulsive behavior. As for tryn not being here, I guess we need to consult the cheaters manual and read the part that says "get over it"

Allgood. I hope you have a better day today. It is interesting what you said about not understanding how hard the A is on a BS, even after all the cases you have seen. In my case, even after my D-day #1, which was confessed as a 2 nighter, when I was hit after D-day #2 with the LTA confession, I realized that I knew nothing about this type of pain. BTW, how did you like that long winded sentence?

LH2. Good stuff as usual.

ats. You know that must have been tough on your step daughter. I think you have to look at the situation with this old saying in mind. "Blood is thicker than water." Her just attempting to rat out her mom was a pretty risky thing. The way your W reacted, just reinforced the danger that your stepD was getting into. Your W also turned the tables on you and sent the discussion away from A and into a personal attack. I can't remember this. Did your W ever accuse you of having A during this time. I think that is common. Mine did more that once. I think the OM/OW probably tell our WSs that we are most likley screwing around too. Those bad dreams will be less frequent with time. It sounds like your W is trying to make things better. Hang in there.

Tribe. Just because you are not at a place or time to give advice, do not feel like you are not contributing to this place. Just telling your story/thoughts is contributing. It helps everyone here, to gain knowlege in any way, shape or form. How many times does someone here say, "what she/he said really rings a bell with me?" Vents are also cool. They help the venter as well as the non-venter. Are we even supposed to vent here? I guess it does not matter. I think our wise and wonderful Mods are scared to come here. If I was them I would be leary of us.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading and trying to catch up. I too don't feel I can offer any advice or help anyone at this stage right now. I'm still so confused. I take one day at a time.

I'm having the same problem as ats...I can't sleep. My mind keeps going and going, it won't shut down and it's all about my M.

I left this weekend with my g/f's and never got a good bye, have a good time, nothing. H left the house in a huff before my friends came to pick me up.

Everybody else's H called to see how they were, to see if they had a good time or to tell them that they missed them and loved them. I was so down in and dumps and still am.

I left him a long letter before I went telling him how I did not feel loved, I felt ignored, unappreciated, etc.

What I got when I returned was roses and a card explaining what I could do for HIM to make it better!!

I seriously could just scream.

Just know that I care and my thoughts are with you all. You are all so wonderful.
(((tribe))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun. I was hoping that your weekend away would be a good time. It is a shame that you did not get to enjoy it. I guess your H was not happy for you to go. The roses were nice but a card telling you how you can help him? That is not so good.

Last week we all got a chuckle when you told your story about your H saying he had rectal disorder instead of ED. I want to say something about this from a man's point of view. Please understand that I am not condoning his behavior about any of this. If he is having the ED problem, he could be having serious depression issuses as well. ED is really a serious blow to a man. I would imagine that he is worried that you might be inclined to have a RA because of his A and his ED problem just adds to the anxiety about all this. Like the A, ED is a tough issue to talk about, and tough to face that you have a problem in that area of your life. I know this is a small portion of the total issues in all this stuff. It is something to consider though.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old dipstick: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. He does have an ED problem. He can't have sex without Viagra. It wasn't like this before I found out about the A. I'm thinking it's me. Maybe he doesn't want to be with me? Maybe he misses OW? Maybe this is adding to his depression? There are too many issues for me to comprehend right now.

I know we make jokes about it but I would imagine it bothers him. And then on the other hand I think he deserves this. He deserves everything he gets. I guess the anger has not subsided.

Maybe he was afraid I would meet someone while away with the girls? I just wish he would talk to me. I'm at the point where I'm wanting to leave. I can't handle this.

What do you think Dip? From a man's perspective.

Has anyone else had this issue?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: i am so sorry that your husband didn't do his part in your weekend away...i seriously don't think he knows what to do and is to wrapped up in his own head to figure it out...aside from his being somewhat of a jerk, especially leaving you a letter on what you can do for him.. ...did you at least enjoy your time away with the girls....


is he still going to ic...???

and i don't think you should get caught up in blaming yourself for his ed....sounds alot like his own issues catching up to him....

(((fun)))


allgood, you didn't check back in, and i'm thinkin that is because you are still in a bad place....whenever you are ready....

(((allgood)))

and (((honest)))...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I've read some of that post you were talking about. I completely agree, anyone who has not gone through this cannot appreciate how it feels. This just made me remember something. Ages and ages ago, my first boyfriend broke up with me (when I was a teen). He did it nicely and we stayed on friendly terms. Years later he was dating someone who broke up with him. I happened to meet him and he told me what happened. He said, "I never knew how painful this is. I'm so sorry I did this to you!" Of course we were still older teens/early 20's and he didn't cheat, but it's hard to relate to something that you've never experienced.

Atsen: the fact that you say you are "a work in progress" is the reason why you are a "nice guy" You are open and are trying to be understanding. Your WH is a lucky woman. I hope she realizes it!!

Dip: Yes, I feel WH is setting me up to reject him. It makes me feel like he's pushing me to leave him so he'll look like the good guy. "See how much I put up with? I was willing to keep her as a wife and pay all the bills , give her half of my time (really SOME) and she refuses! She's not happy with what she has!"

Miracle: You are right that I really need to vent it all out. DS15 set up a punching bag outside and I should use it!!

nofun: I'm so sorry that you didn't enjoy your weekend. The nerve of him telling you what you need to do!! Sounds like my WH!! After dday, he told me all my faults so I would change!! He was tired of trying all these years.
I think you should take Atsen's advice: if you CONSISTANTLY feel that you want to leave, and it's not just emotion and anger, then you will know.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun,
Maybe he was afraid I would meet someone while away with the girls? I just wish he would talk to me. I'm at the point where I'm wanting to leave. I can't handle this.
<snip>
Has anyone else had this issue?

FWW, now that she cares about me, expresses more than a little concern that after dropping 50# on the BS Diet, updating my wardrobe, showing the benefit of months of counseling I will find or be too attractive to another woman. Last fall I was waiting for her at a bar we frequent. When joined me at the table a much older (20 years older than me) group of women commented “knew he was too good to be alone”. I got a chuckle out of it, but months later FWW still brings that up and mentions how it pissed her off. This was weeks after I discovered her A, can anyone say irony? She does worry about me leaving her for greener pastures.

As for Mr. Johnson working or being on disability, that is always a concern for guys, and once it begins it creates performance anxiety for the next time that makes performance that much (less?) harder. I had one spell after an exhausting week when I was in my 30’s and it took months to get over the worry. Recently, when I was taking LexaPro is caused problems. I am not saying these are your problems to deal with nofun, but you asked for perspective.

Talking is good; it has taken me a long time to learn this. I do not know if Mr. nofun is a reader, or is willing to do so for the M. The often mentioned love languages book was great for us and a short read. He may also find value is The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

old dipstick,

Did your W ever accuse you of having A during this time. I think that is common.

No, she never did, but she would point out people she thought I would be happy with instead of her.

allgoodnamesgone,

... other than ic, this is really the only place to get support & while we may normally be strong independent confident people, the uniqueness of this experience - as far as the mental & emotional torture day in and day out - not only in trying to understand the A, what led up to it, the TT, the WS stupidity, etc. makes it very difficult...

You are so right. My parents no longer wnt to hear about it, and there is little they can relate too. My best friend is understanding, but he is tired of hearing about it. It is especially difficult for him becasue in 2007 when I was convinced FWW was having an affair (she was), he helped to convinve me that I was over-reacting to what I thought I was seeing versus what wass actually going on. I do not know if he will ever forgive my wife for proving him wrong and hurting his friend for 2+ more years.

iwantamiracle, you are always so kind, supportive, and helpful. Thank you.

With this graduation weekend coming up, I feel like we will be on exhibit. Everyone coming knows of the A and I feel like they will be watching for every little sign. I am taking stepdaughter#2, her boyfriend and my Dad out on the boat for drinks and fishing on Sunday. She and I have always been close, so I am looking forward to a chance to relax away from everyone else. I've not met her boyfriend before, FWW has. I am sure he too knows about our history.

Best wishes to everyone.

--Ats

ETA: Dip, I am pleased to report my weight was back down, so grilled steak on the salad tonight and vodka is chilling in the freezer for dirty a Martinni or two tonight.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:28 PM, June 7th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle - I did have a good time with the girls. I laughed...and it felt good.

Yes, H is still going to IC and IC called me about an hour after his appointment and asked if he could see me this week. I have an appointment on Friday. I get all stressed out over this because what could he possibly want with me?

Honest - I think H is trying to control and manipulate me by not speaking to me. I'm not giving in. I'm done with it. I so deserve better than this. He is losing this battle.

Ats- Mr. nofun does not and won't read. I have the 5 love languages on my coffee table and he has never picked it up. He said he wanted to read on SI but to my knowledge he has not done so.

I am a person that tries to help others, but I cannot help my H. I am having a hard time helping myself. I am not feeling so confident that my M is going to make it. Time will tell. It's just so sad.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - just sneaking in (my h is literally in the next room) to say I'm much better - I didn't check in because I was running around like a mad woman today.
But I'm better. Talk to u all soon.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. Keep us posted.

Nofun: ed is NOT your fault. There are a thousand reasons. Has he checked his blood pressure, or had a check up recently? There could be a physical problem or possibly side effects of a med he is currently taking.

Ironically when WH was telling ME that I was too loose, I NOW remember distinctly that little Mr. Dishonest wasn't ...ah...strong. WH ended up having a slight heart attack and stents put it, takes Plavix now and lo and behold WH is much healthier...all over. But you see, WH blamed ME. He took Viagra with her and I suspect he is taking Cialis too. Oh, Mr. God's Gift to Women, you are not so perfect after all!!

Nofun, it might also be guilt that is causing his problems.

Congratulations to all those graduates out there!!

{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: i am happy that you at least had fun with the girls...

about going to the ic, could be anything, and sweating it will do you no good...and yes i know, so much easier said then done...he could and probably just wants to touch base with you...i am sure your husband is filling him up with how great of a job he is doing in communicating, even if he left out the part that its about his needs to you..


honest vs a punching bag...now that ought to be interesting...poor poor punching bag... ..will you paste a pic of your ws on it..??


allgood: glad your better, and i think i am glad you were busy, busy minds do not have time to brood...especially when busy with little ones...


ats: congrats on the grad...it is exciting isnt it...and sad too, at least to me, my baby is reaching adulthood, she is still my baby....

I am looking forward

i know this was only part of your sentence...but its the most important part...how many times do we not look forward and still look behind us...so this is wonderful...and hopefully you will say it often...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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