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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3... Hmm.... wise words. Thank you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455, Any results from an investigation of the boat sinking? Did a through hull let go? Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

((allgoodnamesgone))
((iwantamiracle))
((honesttoafault))

I know how hard this whole post dday thing has been for me with a spouse who is at least trying to make it better. It often sounds as though the thing your husbands are trying most is your patience.

It amazes me how absolutely hopeless and awful I felt over the weekend compared to today. Intellectually I knew it would be stressful, but was not able to get my brain to work and override the anger and sadness I was feeling. If there is a next time, hopefully I can reflect back on this occurrence to ride it out better. I appreciate all of you who put in the time over the weekend to help talk me down from even more irrational behavior.

FWW and I talked again last night and after a rough start made some progress. During the last weekend, she was trying to control me and everyone else to have things go “smooth”. They didn’t. In retrospect, she wishes she had sent the boyfriend on an errand with DS, and had us all talk about the invisible elephant in the room, starting with her apologizing to her DD’s and sister for putting them in the position of knowing about the A’s and not being able to tell me due to loyalty to her. This will be the plan for the next time the family is together. She said she eventually wants to apologize to my parents too, but is not yet ready to face them.

I told her I want her to acknowledge and try to understand what I am feeling, rather than just telling me how sorry she is. I talked about the frustration I have trying to sort out the conflicting things she said to me in the time leading up to dday, soon after dday, during the TT, and now. She appreciates that, and we did clear some of them up. She wants to spend more time clearing up misperceptions of each other’s intent we both have in the marriage timeline. I also talked about how I feel having to work with OM#1, my shattered trust, and some of the inconsistencies in her additional disclosure at the end of April.

I told her that I understand the paradox of my wanting her to be honest with her feelings and not say what she thinks I want to hear, and then being angry when she says what she feels, but then it is not what I want to hear. I suggested that it is OK for her to feel defensive, or upset, but at times she needs to be able to set that aside and still deal with me, and I need to be able to do the same.

She has been talking a lot with her sister about their childhood. She shared a summary of these discussions with me; their childhood with an alcoholic mother and work-focused father was awful. Trying to work through all of this stuff between us is going to be a tangled coil of affair stuff, ACOA stuff, and typical problems in our marriage.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:34 PM, June 16th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: size 8....wow, thats amazing...i do not envy the boobs...not at all....i had bigger boobs when i was preggo andnursing..couldn't wait for them to go away...they did...and now i am very happy with them...and as small as they are they hang like udders....i could imagine how they would hang if they were bigger again...hell, scary thought actually...


allgood: i love what you wanted to hear...now i think you should tell him...don't let your pride get in the way of telling him what you needed, not if you really want him to eventually be the one to meet your needs...plant seeds allgood...

i had a convo with a freind today who was venting about her sich with her now ex...and i asked her about planting seeds...and she said yes her so was the type that needed seeding..as was her ex-h...but she says she is sick of gardening...doesn't want to garden anymore...just wants the damn results.... ...of course i thought of you....


m3: do you think there is any funny business with these things or big time coincidences...

and please stop comparing yourself to the ow...his choice to have an affair really has nothing to do with her or with you...it has everything to do with what is broken inside him...everything to do WITH HIM....not you and not her....


ats: i am glad that you are talking to your wife all the way through...she is a lucky woman, as is dips wife and tryns wife...lots of men don't do talking...lots of walking but no talking...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An update:

Despite the fact that this sharing feelings business is new terrain for me, as well as my husband, I nonetheless took your advice and tried to salvage the day.
Miracle, I tried to tell my H what I posted here about what I had hoped he would say, but it sounded like complete insanity, so I just read my response to you instead. I felt like a complete moron doing it -but I figured what do I have to lose? (Sort of a new mantra of mine these days). Anyway -my H said "I agree with that - can you just pretend I said that". He's quite the comedian/deflector.
Anyway, we didn't spend a minute of time together due to our kids' sport schedules & since I told him we weren't celebrating our anniversary, he went to play ball tonight like he usually does. But, he did get me a card that for whatever oddball reason was pretty well suited to our situation & then he wrote some good stuff in it.
I think I need to let go a bit & start trusting him a little - trust in the sense of at least believing what he says to me. Idk - I'm actually scared to do that. I'm afraid if I let this off of my radar, I'm going to get blind-sided again. I know, I know, I will know the signs next time... I gotta start to trust a little, tho I still think a poly should be incorporated into the annual physical...

EDITED because I forgot to comment on Miracle's seed planting comment... Lol. I always think its funny when something in real life reminds me of SI.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:32 PM, June 16th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey all today was great ... even tho it is my 9yr wedding anni it felt like just another day and it was awesome ... see my thread in NB ...

(((allgood))) I know it is your anni also ... hope it's one all about you and makes you feel special to be you ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: Hugs to you on this day. It seems as if you have made a huge "baby step" (oxymoran!)....but trying to share your feelings with WH is a good start. Although he didn't respond in a way you hoped, I think from what you said, there is a glimmer of hope there. He had NO idea what to do, sadly, but seemed willing to be guided.

Ats: great news. You and your WW have a long way to go, but you guys are communicating.Although you had a major setback this weekend..and who wouldn't under the circumstances? I have trouble spending a few hours at a BBQ with in-laws post dday, never mind a whole weekend!!
I really agree with your discussion about wanting the truth and then again not really wanting to hear things that hurt, but really need to. It seems paradoxical, but it isn't. My WH has often said he didn't want to tell me some things because of how much it would hurt, that I only wanted to hear..what I wanted to hear KWIM? and it is true. It's hard to listen to hurtful things.

M3: I'm so sorry to hear about the boat. When we are going through our personal hell, it's hard to put up with anything else. Sometimes it just seems "when it rains, it pours" either everything seems to go right, or more often, things go wrong.
This spring, our inground pool (was here when we bought the house) collapsed and needs to be totally redone, my "new" used car is a lemon that needed everything fixed, DS15 lost credit for his Math class....it sometimes seems everything will go wrong.
But size 8??? wow. I'm envious!!!

Miracle: I agree, it is about planting seeds. At first, we can be aggravated that this needs to be done, but unfortunately it does. But this is not always a bad thing. Even with "normal" people who are married, we may need to "plant seeds" of encouragement, to help the other person to know the things that make us happy or angry. Sometimes this can be done by simple communication, but many people may not "get it" still, so the "planting" may be needed. In my WH's case, sometimes I think I needed a drill hole!!!
Thank you for your comments, UK girl and fnf. UKgirl, you are right, I have to stand by my boundaries.

WH and I talked a little today. I reiterated my boundaries and that I was NOT telling him what to do, but what I can or cannot accept. I don't know why I am bothering, but I guess I still feel HE has to hear it and my anger should be directed at the source whether or not he gets it. I was calm and cool and talking very simply. But FINALLY, he did get what I've been trying to make him understand about trust. WH has been saying for a long time that I can trust him with all other aspects of our lives...ie finances. Today, since I was talking very calmly, and not making him feel defensive, I told him, I'm very sorry, but as you have told DS so many times if one betrays a trust it takes a long time to build it up again. I calmly said, "You have betrayed me in the worst way possible. When we were first married, I begged you to NEVER cheat on me the way xWH did, it would KILL me and you promised to NEVER do it. You would leave me first. I beggged you to leave me, don't do this. This is the worst betrayal especially since I begged you NOT to do this to me. So, I'm sorry, I don't trust you and you will have to build that trust up."

WH said, "I understand, and you are right."

Ok, this doesn't really change anything. He is still with OW, BUT at least I feel validated.. at least he seemed to understand (or pretended to, or even told me what I wanted to hear)

I realize that I need to detach. But, possibly the way I am doing it is something I can deal with now. I have to continue dealing with WH in some way or another for the rest of my life because of the kids. Because he is NPD, perhaps just changing our relationship, detachment without anger or a feeling of being enemies is the best way.
I think I'm rambling again. It seems to be going around.

Oh, by the way, we cannot compare ourselves to the OP's. There is a thread in fun and games where members are posting pics of themselves and families. ALL of the BS's are very attractive and good looking people!!! The children are gorgeous!! Thier WS's are stupid idiots!!

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Booger: I'm glad to see that you are doing so much better. It's wonderful news.

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: i actually like your husbands response...he is being honest...and a really big YAY for you in telling him exactly how you feel....that really is the only way he is ever gonna know...cause he really don't want to see what he doesn't have to, not yet anyways...

and i am glad he at least got a card and wrote in it...so yay mr allgood...

plant seeds, be very direct without attacking and let him step up....if he doesn't get it then, well then you do what you have to do...but i think you still need to give it some time, give ic some time and be consistent in the way you act and react....so far the man does what he is told "now"..i empasized "now" to be a bit sarcastic, but somehow i think you got that...


booger..yay for you hon...i am proud of you...you are doing so so well...


honest: you talk to him the way you see fit, yes you will have to deal with this man forever because of the kids...just as long as you keep moving forward in YOUR life...forward....forward and forward....looking back and getting his validation can be a dangerous thing to do for you, so be careful and keep your heart, head and motivation forward...


oh and allgood: don't put so much pressure on yourself to trust, its not something that can be forced, but if he keeps going the way he is he will earn it...and when its earned you will still have reservations...and thats o.k., as long as you don't let those fears dictate to you to him....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dipping in quickly, don’t have more than 5mins, but have caught up with you all and things look a little better for some of us today – Keep on the path and give yourselves a pat on the back.

Ats, after the weekend you endured, this is a very positive and hopeful post showing a determination to communicate and work through things together. You were both reacting to the stresses of the weekend and it’s important to talk about how you both deal with these kind of situations. Social and family ones can be the worst and the longer they are and the more people around the worse it gets. You will learn coping mechanisms. Find some for you that work. Take some time out – just 5mins can be enough to centre yourself.

Allgood – like the update. Well done you!

(((((Booger))))). You are amazing. Truly, you are. I’ll nip down to NB when I get a chance later today.

Honest – good, good and well, good! Detachment is something you have been working towards for a while and it sounds like you are doing so. Staying calm and repeating things to WH like a mantra will reinforce things in your own mind. See your boundaries and stay on your side.
Had a quick scan of the pics in F&G – lovely folk! Posted one of me.

Hugs to the tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all!

Booger: I'm glad you were able to be happy on your anniversary and are doing well overall.

Honest:

Ok, this doesn't really change anything. He is still with OW, BUT at least I feel validated

I think this is very important! You handled everything great! Good for you!

Everyone: Thank you for continuing to "listen" and support.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"So many of my WH's family says that they hate OW and I should "fight" for my rights. I should go overseas and not let her have everything her own way. I don't understand!!! If I go over there, yes, he'll have to divide his time between the 2 of us. Perhaps, I'll even get more time, BUT I'm still going to share him. . . I'm still hanging on to the illusion of a thread of hope. IC says why am I doing this? Why don't I let go? Right now I know it's me. I really don't want to let go, and I know I have to for my own sanity. I guess that's why I've been so down. It's not the rollercoaster this time. It's reality hitting me in the head. But the thought that I could actually "fight" for WH gives me some kind of hope..... but I'm crazy.
I guess I need some 2x4's."

Honest - First off let me say that I would never want what I'm about to say to come out as a "2x4" response. You are going through such a tough time and I only want to support you but your post has left me with so many questions. I sincerely hope it is ok to ask these but feel free to ignore the rest of this post if you want to. Here goes:
When his family suggests that you should "fight for your rights" did they define what those rights would be overseas???? The idea of you going over there and being able to get from your H what it is you need in order to move forward, well I wonder if that's even possible. (I'm sorry I don't know where that is so I'm just asking since I expect that your rights over there might not be the same as they are over here. Maybe I'm very wrong about this.)
Secondly, the idea of "fighting for your H" leaves me a little confused. I don't want to upset you but my first reaction is, "shouldn't he be fighting for you?"
He is the one who betrayed you so it is HIS battle to win you back. His NPD is preventing him from seeing this because he probably believes he is worth fighting for and cannot even see that it is you who is the one with all the goodness and wonderful, loving qualities. It is you who deserves a man who can be true to you and make a commitment to ONLY you.
So instead of asking whether he is someone you want to fight for, I'm going to ask, "Is what he is offering you something worth fighting for????"
IMHO, going over there to fight for your H would only serve to feed his already enormous NP. This could only serve to backfire on you because of his NPD, again IMHO, and possibly give you the opposite results of what it is you truly hope to gain.
I know these are tough questions and maybe you are already struggling with these but since I first read your post I have been struggling with how to respond without upsetting or hurting you. It's just that when you acknowledged that if you go over there you know that you will have to share him even though you might get to spend more time with him, I could not imagine that being easier on you but only you can answer that.
When you say you are hanging on to an "illusion of a thread of hope" would it be ok to ask what that is for you? If you choose to go over there and fight for your H, what is your hope? What outcome do you seek?
Hopefully, these questions did not feel like 2x4's. Your situation is very unique and you are amazingly strong even though you may not always feel that way. You are holding it together and giving your children a loving home all on your own. I am glad you are in IC and that she/he seems to be very helpful.
One last question, does your family know about your situation? If so, are they helping you or hindering your progress? What kind of support IRL are you getting? I do hope you have a strong support system at this time. I know your adult sons are a wonderful support for you and I am so happy you have them. Stay strong and remember your worth. You are a beautiful, loving, strong woman. Tell yourself that every day, several times a day until you believe it with all your heart. ((((Honest)))))

ETA - I forgot to block this so I hope it wasn't confusing.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:43 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: You are right, it can be very dangerous to be seeking validation from WH. It would be harder to detach and I have to keep moving forward as much as I can and stay focused on the future and stop looking in the rearview mirror.

UKgirl: yes, I need a mantra to keep repeating to myself. I have been avoiding saying things to WH because he defends and attacks then I end up feeling worse. But there are some things I feel need to be said. I discovered yesterday that I stuck to one particular topic, did not go on and on, I didn't expect a response or a discussion. I didn't sound accusatory either, just stating calmly how I felt about what he did. I don't know if this is really going to help me detach, and as Miracle says, it's potentially dangerous.

FNF: Thank you so very much for your thoughful response. NO, you are not hurting my feelings, I DO NEED A REALITY CHECK. That's really what the 2x4's are!!
You posed a lot of good questions that are really very very helpful. What are my rights? Well, WH's family seem to believe that I am relinquishing my "rights" via default by not being there. In other words, OW is benefitting from all his time, money, etc. If I was there, WH would have to share all that with me. They also tell me WH is not happy and is much better when I am there with him. I guess I'm his conscious, or I guide him to act better, who knows?
What is my benefit to "fight" for WH? To have him to myself??? I will still have to share with OC's. There is always the finances, too and a lifestyle. But, you are right, I will not be moving forward.
WH should be fighting for me and not the other way around.
What am I fighting for? WOW, thank FNF!!! Your questions are really helping me ask these things to myself.
You are helping me to face something that I don't want to really admit. I'm fighting for my old life back, and although LOGICALLY I have known for a year that that's impossible, emotioanally I haven't really accepted that. Emotionally, I may still be stagnated deep down wishing/bargaining "if" I only do this, then I will get what I want.
"Fighting for WH" will feed his NPD and really validate for him that he is worth fighting for. (like he really needs validation in his own mind).

Someone here (I'm sorry, I don't remember who) said that we are so ready to "fix" things and take care of things. Possibly, that's my trouble with all this. EMOTIONALLY, I feel, I want so terribly to "fix" it all, then maybe it'll go away and I'll stop hurting.

I have to keep the "Mantra" up as UKgirl says. I have to keep telling myself that this CANNOT be fixed. The old marriage is OVER. Building a new relationship is another matter and I cannot do it alone, not can I do it when WH is still with OW.

I was even starting to believe his lies...." We don't get along (him and OW). I'm just staying with her because of the kids. She'll divorce me if I don't make love to her (that's a good one!!!! ) She'll have custody of the kids and will marry someone else. I'm with her so she doesn't marry someone else and the kids will be raised by a stranger man."

What utter nonsense. It insults my intelligence. I didn't respond to all this crap. He is charming like a snake with some of the things he says to me.

I'm rambling again. IRL, my adult sons are so busy with their own lives, I don't see or hear from them much. RL friends seems to be tired of hearing all this crap and don't understand why I'm still hanging on. I am stuck. I am in limbo and trying to move on.

hugs to everyone. I'm sorry I don't have too much to offer others for these past few days. Just trying to keep moving.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In other words, OW is benefitting from all his time, money, etc. If I was there, WH would have to share all that with me. They also tell me WH is not happy and is much better when I am there with him. I guess I'm his conscious, or I guide him to act better, who knows?
What is my benefit to "fight" for WH? To have him to myself???

Ok Honest, if I am getting pushy, please tell me to back off and I will but, if you don't mind my continued questions, read on.
So his families argument is that she is benefitting from all his money, time, etc. but all he can offer you if you go there is to "share" with her what is rightfully YOURS? Is this really acceptable to you???
And, (now I'm going to get angry ) why should you care about his happiness? He is making your life miserable. What about your happiness? How happy will you be if you go over there and "share" him with the OW and OC???? Also, how will your children feel about sharing their dad with this other family???
When I read this "logic" from your in-laws I had the strong feeling that your H is getting them to put some pressure on you so that you will eventually weaken and come over to his way of thinking. This scares me for you. What guarantee do you have that if you do go over he will finally D her and be true only to you???
IMHO, you will be walking into a trap that you may have a very difficult time escaping from. Again, just MHO, stay where you are. You have power here. You have rights here. You are in control here. Make him come to you, not the other way around.
A little personal history if you care to hear. I met my H when I was very young and naive. I was 20, he was 32, D'd and completely charming. He admitted to me when we began getting serious that he had cheated on his first wife with 3 different women. Being young, stupid, naive and totally trusting I NEVER believed he would do this to me. We were in love afterall. We were different.
I remember in the first few months of our M I received a letter from his first wife telling me that he had cheated on her and that he would cheat on me too. I laughed it off and even showed it to my H so we could both get a laugh out of her threats. And yes, he laughed too.
30 years later I discovered she knew him better than I ever did.
How many women he had throughout our M I may never know. What I do know, or better yet, what he has admitted to, is that he had an 8 year LTA right in front of my face with a woman who he brought into our lives almost daily.
After d-day, on my lucid days, days when I wasn't hysterically crying or screaming or withdrawing, I would tell him very calmly that I understood that some men (and women) may not be capable of monogamy. I would not judge him for this. I told him I would understand if that was the case with him. Afterall, he cheated on his first wife of 12 years and on me, his wife now of 35 years. So, I said, let's part amicably. I promised him I would be fair in the D, that I had had a good life up to d-day and was grateful for the good years but that I could not agree to "sharing" him. I told him that the OW has proven that she was ok knowing that he was married to another woman and therefore would most probably go along with sharing him with another woman so he could more easily have a polygamous relationship with her and that would suit him perfectly. In no way, shape or form was I ever going to agree to "sharing" my H but I also would not stand in his way if he "needed" more than one woman to satisfy his needs. I would grant him a quick, fair D and he could move on. I wasn't interested in any battle and I certainly wasn't going to fight for him. That is just not in my nature. If he wanted me, he would have to agree to my terms. If he didn't, then go in peace. I would not stand in his way.
Obviously, you know why I am telling you all this but I will ask the question anyway,
"Are you willing to share your H with another woman??"
Can you truly be happy knowing that, unless things change, there is another woman in your H's life?

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:18 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: try to remember to choose your beliefs over your feelings....detach yourself from yourself in a way,...when faced with a sich whether it be talking to the inlaws, or talking to the ws...take yourself out of body for a minute and look at your responses...are they based on feeling or based on belief...it might help give you some clarity instead falling into the trap of wanting, wishing and hoping...keeping a clear head when somone is giving all the words we wish were true is not easy....i do it every single day...we wish the words were true...and then we are devasted to learn yet again that they are lies....so remember the next time he spins his words...base it on your beliefs...not what you want to believe but your beliefs in human nature, your beliefs if this were another...and keep your feelings in check...use your beliefs to guide you...they are after "yours"...and you have these beliefs for a reason....

(((honest)))


allgood: how did the rest of the evening go, and how did you do in court?..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have time for a quick response to Miracle. (Honest - I will catch up with you when I get home. )

The rest of the evening was spent separately. I had already told him we weren't going to celebrate so he didn't make arrangements for a replacement for him on his team so each one of us covered a different sport with our kids & then he went to play ball.
He did come home earlier than usual tho (just before midnight) - he said he came home so at least he could spend a little time with me before "Meaningless Wednesday" a/k/a our anniversary was over. (This is because I told him our anniversary was a meaningless event to me now).
So, that was thoughtful - quite frankly tho, I was too tired to do anything but appreciate the sentiment... but we are going away this weekend - just the 2 of us, so I'm overall hopeful we will have a good time.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I thought I'd share some of my H's bullshit lines with you. Maybe it'll give you a little laugh today.
Me - How could you do this to us? How could you fuck her for 8 years and bring her into our lives?
Him - I had to keep fucking her. She worked so much harder for me in the office and I was afraid that if I stopped, she wouldn't work as hard anymore.

Me - Wasn't she getting paid to work hard? Wasn't that her job??? She wasn't getting paid to fuck you she was getting paid to do her job and to do it well.
Me - I want her out of the office immediately.
Him - I would like her to stay on another 3 or 4 months so she can finish up with her work. Besides, if I let her go, she might sue me.
Me - Yes, she MIGHT sue you but I guarantee you that if you don't get her out of the office immediately I WILL sue you for D.
Your call!
These guys have a screwed up logic that in their twisted minds makes sense to them. We just need to keep one step ahead so that they don't get us thinking like they do.
(((Honest)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night FWW, SIL and DS#2 all went to the beach to watch the sunset and hang out. FWW did not want me to come along. She was worried it would be too stressful for me. So I stayed home alone. She had the truck and DS#1 had the car, so once the rain came I was pretty well stuck in the house.

She did not want me along for fear that if SIL said something about BIL or whatever and I triggered, I might expose FWW and BIL involvement. So becasue of what she did with her BIL, I get excluded. I was angry last night, and it continues this morning.

She may be trying, but it is feeling like too little, too late.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. ats i have a question...why does she get to decide what you do and don't do?..if you wanted to go, then go...and let her know in no uncertain terms that from now on, you will do as you want to do, like it or not....she needs to pull up her big girl panties and deal...not you have to deal with backing down from sich to make it easier for her...should be the other way around...

me thinks you are giving her too much power here...

talking and communicating is a 2 way street, and in your marriage since she ran it off the road, she needs to work really hard getting it back on track, and that is not going to happen if she reacts out of fear and you allow it....

(((ats)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Miracle 100%


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well this family is officially broken.

A fight with older son today when he again neglected to help around the house as he was supposed to, and told me I better get him some money for gas. It went downhill from there and I shoved him. He told me how it is all about me and nothing he ever does is good enough. Almost word for word what FWW said after dday and SD#1 said at Xmas. There seems to be a consistent theme that I am the problem in this family. He says he is gone for the night, but continues to text me what an awful and hurtful person I am. FWW said nothing, and left with younger son to the grocery (?)

How did my life end up here?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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