gosh I missed you all ... I was seriously needing some narcan in an IVP for my withdrawl sysmptons ....
and my hotmail was running super slow .... so I got all my e-mails at like 3am this morning ...
and I to like uk kept checking every 10-15 minutes ... kept running repair checks on my laptop ... pacing tapping foot *sighing* a lot ...
so relieved today when I see replys to my posts ... meant SI was up ...
could not wait to get home ...
Thank you all for your support. I really needed it in this decision to play it more slowly. Allgood, your advice hit home about wanting closure, but it's better to do it right than fast. It's easy to become impatient. We just want the hurt to stop. We want to go back to "normal" or at least to "our" life. But that's all over.
Tryn: I can't believe all the stuff WH tells me. It's so hurtful and painful. What he did was bad enough, but the things he's been saying after to blameshift almost kill me more.
ETA: I think I had a sort of breakthrough. I tried to talk to WH about some finances. It really didn't get into details.
Before I go on, I really want to say that so many of you, helped me in what to say. Tryn's words about not being in a marriage and setting boundaries were helping bolster me. A little of what everyone said was with me.
I quietly, calmly told WH that I was even considering that maybe OW was there, I was here and WH could visit here with the kids when he came. We would still be married in name only, maybe even friends with benefits at times, BUT, I will not accept that WH wants to bring OW and OC's here and we are to share him. I said, I love you, but I cannot accept that. He started saying about forcing him to do something, I said, I wasn't forcing him to do anything. He can do anything he wants. But if that's what's in the future, I cannot and will not accept that.
Later, I tried to talk about finances, and tried to explain I needed things legal to feel secure. WH started to go on about I have my kids to feel secure. I was ready to cry, but took a deep breath, thinking about all the advice all you wonderful people have been giving me and smiled instead. I calmly, peacefully looked him in the eye, and said, NO, you're wrong. I'm secure because I have ME. I DON'T NEED YOU. But we need to be fair about dividing up things that belong to me from the marriage.
Later, he tells me that he won't bring OW here. <sigh> Nothing specific has been decided, but he's trying to act nicer. I know he's going to try charm now because he probably doesn't want to deal with the finances.
Miracle: you have good advice, I'll have to write things down.
I want to reread everyone's advice, thank you all so much. You guys have really saved my life in so many ways.
booger: that relief was felt by pretty much everyone on si... ...we have all grown so attached, si is a bit of a crutch for so many of us...
i know that by the weekend i intend to send another check.......
I sense she is not happy though… She says it’s because the kids are moving on…
is she in ic?...maybe if she is not now might be a good time for her to go...
i am glad your wife's job is taking a new direction...
I do like my cocktails and shots, but after killing the better part of 5 liters of booze in 2 weeks I am switching to beer.
..wow, that is alot of booze..
mudslides are not hoity-toity....its like having a shot or 2 with your ice cream...
I think I will use moonshine instead of vodka and 3 scoops of choc icecream, no vanilla.
you seem to have a bit of taste for moonshine...that stuff to me anyways is just wicked...put hair on a babies chest...
I don't love my husband
i thought i had addressed this earlier, but i must have addressed it in the post that went to post heaven...anways..i agree with tryn on this one....i don't believe it for one minute...love doesn't just go away....it sounds like you put your heart within a protective shield....to act as a barrier so that is won't hurt anymore, and if i remember correctly your wh did some tt'ing...which could also leave you numb...numb is not the same as dead love...
and i do believe that if your h does the work and his actions back up his words everytime, i think that feeling of love will come "back"...i think its just hibernating until you are safe again..
Love them fiercely
and i might just check out that article myself..
tomorrow pfm and i take our dd17 to counseling, she does not want to go, thankfully she is under 18 and i can force it, but i cannot force her cooperation, i am praying that she at leasts opens up...at the very least this will open a door for her in the future if and when she decides she might need a little help in dealing with her "daddy issues" as she puts it...
NO, you're wrong. I'm secure because I have ME. I DON'T NEED YOU
Yay!!!! Good for you!!!
i get the impression that your ws has seemingly given up without even giving it his best effort....from what you have posted his actions speak for themselves...which is basically inaction....and for this i am sorry...
i know that feeling well, the one where you want them to fuck up in a major way, because then at least the limbo is over, you have a definitive that you could learn to live with...
your counseler is full of hogwash btw...we cannot always be sure to catch them again...these are the worlds best liars...hell every one of them could win an academy award for their abilities...your intuition is another story....we all have our intution, our gut and USE IT...this is the one take away lesson we ALL have learned....trust your gut...it is rarely if ever wrong...and if it is wrong it is because we interperted wrong....and the simplest things will set off your intuition...the best example of this i have is way back when pfm and i were first married, if he (sorry tmi) didn't come as fast i thought he would because we had a couple days of no sex i actually looked at him and asked him point blank "why, are you lasting, is there something i should know"..and of course he always answered no,he would say he was just tired and that affected him, and i of course believed him...but this was truly my first intuitve view into what was really happening....i just knew it was off...and then when he lied, i believed and talked my intuition down....and believe it or not this happened often enough for me to remember it...but not that often to become a huge red flag....
ej5 i will tell you this, if your ws doesn't DO SOMETHING he will lose you for sure, because you are already building up some major resentments because of his non-actions.....you will get to the point where you will just be done....
in the meantime as we say around si, get your ducks in a row just in case...
A year isn’t long. Really, it isn’t. For me, one year after d-day, I got some info from MOW that almost took me to the lawyer’s door – for a second time. Two years after d-day, I stopped trying to get the truth as I clearly wasn’t going to get it. Year two in R was the worst for me. Pretty much had a breakdown, although I didn’t see it at the time. I was ready to lay down and die – suicide was never far from my mind. But that was my situation. And I’m sorry, but you won’t necessarily “know” if he has another affair. You may suspect, but instinctively “know”? They are brilliant liars – they live the lie and knowing what you would be looking for would make them even better at hiding it than they were before!! And that’s why I am going to suggest stop checking up on his stuff. There’s no point. I went over and over FWH’s personal stuff, tracking things about the affair(s), but they were all old records and papers. I just think I doubt every word he says and that makes me feel okay, because I don’t really care that much. Step back from it ejs, it will only feed your doubts and damage your already eroded self esteem.
Take a bit of your life back. Tell your H to be in for your kids and get out one evening a week. If you can take time out during the day once a week, do that too. MAKE time for yourself and cut yourself some slack. If something doesn’t get done, ask yourself “will it matter in a week/month/6mths time?” If the answer is no – leave it. I forget how old your kids are or how many you have, but they can help even from quite a young age. And again, if they haven’t done something properly, or as you would do it, does it matter? Hugs (((((ejs5)))))
I'm secure because I have ME. I DON'T NEED YOU. But we need to be fair about dividing up things that belong to me from the marriage.
As for me, I’m giving FWH sidelong looks and a few “uh-huh”s lately. He’s back to his golf. And staying away a lot. Abroad as much as in the UK. I don’t think he’s up to anything and I don’t think he is seeing her. But, who’s to know? I don’t want to ask or bring up MOW or a possible affair because that will make me look insecure, needy and a little pathetic. I have realised I cannot track him and I don’t want to anyway. I also realise that nothing is forever and we actually cannot make promises for a lasting future. Infidelity, falling out of love, getting divorced or separated can happen at any age and at any time. An awful lot of people are getting divorced after their kids have left home. There’s no reason to assume that will not happen to us. I think that’s why I don’t want to feel married to him, I don’t want to feel that committed or obligated. My basic security is gone even though our relationship is quite good. He knows, I think, he will never have me completely again. I don’t know whether to talk to him about how I feel or not. Esp as I am having a problem articulating it to myself. I’m triggering a bit b/c today he has spoken to the person who showed him the friendsreunited site and he’s not been in touch with him for a very, very long time…….. It could even be as long ago as that fateful day.
Rambling off. (((((Tribe)))))
ats. I think I am going to invent a more manly type of drink. A glass of cold Budweiser, pour in some choc milk, and add some choc chips. I am calling it a Budslide. If you can drink all of that mixture, you are a real man for sure.
Hugs to the tribe.
Anyhoo -completely off topic - I just had a mini-meltdown over the past 24 hours that was completly non-affair related (I think). How refreshing!
I just ended a long friendship with someone today. Actually - it seems like she's been ending it for years now & I just noticed. Made me think what is wrong with me. SEriously. I never considered myself a self-absorbed person, but I was so absorbed with my kids, my work, my struggles that I didnt see what was happening to my marriage & now a friendship?!? Apparently, everyone saw it but me. I'm pissed and I'm sad that I lost a friend & she doesn't even care.
I'm going to have a pity party now. Get the blender.
I have to admit that I have lost some friends in the aftermath of d-day and it is mostly of my own doing. Much of it to do with shame, I suppose. People looked to us and would make comments about how affectionate we were and stuff. People thinking we were perfect together. And, frankly, I felt such a fraud that I pulled away from some friends.
We have friends in Spain who must have been puzzled at the sudden lack of communication. The last time we went over and stayed with them, WH was still in the affair and texting MOW from restaurants, in the early hours (like 1am before we went to bed, at 4am when we were all asleep or 6am under the pretext of “couldn’t sleep and got up to make tea”) out on their veranda, from the poolside, from the golf course. I remember the wife’s comments about H’s “weak bladder” going to the restaurant/bar toilet for the umpteenth time or keeping in contact with “work” and I wonder if she sussed it.
So, is the friendship over for good or is it worth trying to revive it?
You did not notice the A because you trusted your H. You were not looking for lies from him. You were being a mother and having a outside job. That is not being self-absorbed. I'm sorry that you lost a friend. You say that she doesn't even care that the friendship is lost? Maybe she was not as good of a friend as you thought. Don't wear out that blender. Remember, hangovers are not fun.
UKgirl. Cold and straight it is. I'm getting ready to ice some down. I'm going to fix a pizza on the grill later. Beer, fire and pizza. A great combination.
I had a few friendships that were different after the A. Of course who has not lost friends because a couple gets a D. That has happened to me more than once. You are friends with a couple, they get D and all of a sudden you lose both friends. I understand why, but it still sucks.
Hugs to the tribe.
dip: budslide... ...sounds pretty bad...
and is there anything you don't grill....??
ukgirl: as much as you are triggering, i sense something different with you...something resigned, peaceful, or at the very least somewhat on an even keel of some sort...some of the anger seem to have subsided a bit...i hope so, its really hard and exhausting to harbor so much anger....
well my kids need the pc, so off i go for now..
I think I hear you saying your H is not loving you. I believe you.
I don't feel like much has improved with our talking together or building our relationship
I'm overwhelmed because he isn't much help around the house
You are going to have to take an initiative here if you want a happier life. OK let me help you with this… This is what you might try...
I think it is only fair that you communicate this to your H… He must know because us men don’t always listen to well. But you have to communicate this in a loving way… nice, firm, solid, and allow him a chance to start loving you again. If he doesn’t want to love you, then that is something you cannot control. He has already got a history proving such… this is his second chance to show you..
When you talk to him, try to plan ahead and put it in the way of feeling only… allow him a chance to make you feel better. And you might have to do this several times over and over to help him understand what he needs to do.
How about something like this for the Quality Time
“Honey, I am sad and a little depressed. I want to come out of this. For me, when you just sit and talk with me, It makes me feel happier, closer, … (all those feelings)”
“Dear, when you hold my hand and we walk around the block just to talk about dreams, I feel very safe, easy..tell more feelings”
How about something like this for the love of gifts
When you help empty the garbage, I feel kinda saucy, frisky… Describe to him how you feel…. ”
Honey, You know how when you get out of that shower, smell that fresh towel? That clean feel, taking those sweet water drops off you body, It makes you feel so relaxed… When you clean that floor, I feel that same way…
It takes some practice.. lol
After you communicate a few times… then you’ve done the best thing you can do… you’ve communicated the best way, you been fair to him and took the high road to help him know what you need…. Then you can make the tough decision to keep loving him or not.
As far as triggers go… I get them everyday… I just cry if I need to, or just change my mind… move away from those thoughts by calling a friend. I honestly believe I will have them until the day I die.
if he (sorry tmi) didn't come as fast i thought he would because we had a couple days of no sex i actually looked at him and asked him point blank "why, are you lasting, is there something i should know"..and of course he always answered no,he would say he was just tired and that affected him, and i of course believed him...but this was truly my first intuitve view into what was really happening....
I will say this... AD cause it too. This too... since dday, I have had some occasions where lenght was due to my "mind wondering." I never had this before dday. At one time, I never thought about anybody but my W... Of course, It could be physical too given the viagra drugs..
Oh well sorry if I offended anyone.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:15 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]
As far as triggers go…<snip> I honestly believe I will have them until the day I die.
Now this is a depressing thought.
Well, off I go to manage someone else's marital drama. Lol
ats. What trying said about the triggers could be true. As time goes by, they should get fewer and farther between. The infrequency will make it a little easier to handle. You will get better with your ability to handle these things.
Hugs to the tribe.