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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H came home from work and screamed at me to the point that I had never heard him that mad and it kind of scared me. He told me to mind my own business.

F him. The next time you see him tell him he may NEVER, EVER talk to you like that again and that you will ALWAYS ALWAYS out anyone you know of who is having an A to their spouse. None of that is negotiable or up for discussion. Period.

Honest -- I get speechless too. I was telling my sister that there have been so many times WH has made me speechless (he loves the "sneak attack" method of fighting) and my sister said something that I think will benefit you and no fun as well -- so burn this in your brain.

EXPECT HE IS GOING TO DISAPPOINT YOU. EXPECT IT. EXPECT THE WORST, RUDEST, CRAZIEST REESULT YOU CAN THINK OF.

I said it three times for a reason. Remember it. When you're expecting it, you're not surprised and you can fight back immediately rather than being shocked. Good stuff that.

Honest -- just tell your DS no thanks, you don't have time now and you'll get in touch with his father later. I agree that contact with WH should be via e-mail. Do you have an attorney yet? I suggest you hire Allgood right away.


Allgood -- your H's partner cheating on his wife while pregnant -- welcome to my world. Just for a nice twist; tell yourself pregant women are repulsive, and then proceed to impregnate your wife 7 times in 5 years. Oh, and hang out drunk at the NCAA tournament with OW when your wife needs emergency surgery for a molar pregnancy. And send your older child home with OW when your new two week old baby is hospitalized.

My God -- why am I with this jerk anyway?

Yes, I also wonder if I would be better off with someone new. But the choice in leaving is not finding someone new but choosing that being alone is better than being with your WS, just remember that.

Personally, I wouldn't date me. I look TERRIBLE on paper! 35, 4 kids, would be TWICE divorced and bipolar. I might as well have a flashing light that says RUN blinking on my forehead, LOL.

Having said that, that does not influence my decisions at all. My grandmother has been alone since 1964 (her H died young) and she's had a very happy and awesome life.

For now, I decided to committ to R and I will honor that unless something happens that changes the current circumstances.

ETA -- yes, WH has the jerk gene but I love him. He has good qualities too and from now on he's got to save the jerk for people outside his family.

[This message edited by m334455 at 11:06 AM, June 28th (Monday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Thank you for your encouraging words. I honestly don't think my H could be doing anything else at the moment - I mean it would be great if he would fall on his knees crying for forgiveness & otherwise start sharing more of what he is feeling, etc. but this is not who this man is. So, for the most part I believe he is fully committed to our M & loves me. I still have my reservations about his ability to fact our continued challenges now that I have seen his true colors (the selfishness, the inability to put aside his needs for the good of the family, the frustration and limitation on doing what he'd like to do in our circumstances...). That is holding me back a bit - or- we really don't have that much in common anymore -or- I'm really unable to forgive him and while I will always love him, maybe that spark is not going to return. I'm taking a wait & see attitude & trying to engage in the R in a meaningful way.

M3: You crack me up. 1st off my H cheated on me while I was pregnant - in fact it was shortly after the ONS with OW that he learned I was pregnant and they didn't start the full A til I was 5 months pregnant. So here we are, 4th kid on the way, borrowing a ridiculous amount of money from my parent to add on to our house & he STARTS the A. Mind-boggling.
And - lol- I get what you say on paper - I'm over 40 with 4 kids, but I know anyone meeting you in person would be knocked over by what can't be expressed on paper. I do know this about myself too.

You are right on the money - I do not want to be alone. I can get along fine with my H - I guess I just wonder if I wouldn't be happier with some mystery man. Just a fleeting thought I'm sure.

I've had some legitmate moments of happiness with my kids this weekend. Maybe the old me is returning. Keep your fingers crossed.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to denigrate you lovely people BUT:

Is this what my life has come to? Seeking companionship and advice from anonymous people on the Internet?

On the one hand, I can't really figure out where I'd even begin to find a group of people in similar situations IRL -- on the other; jeesh.

I really do know one woman IRL who just got D because of her H's LTA -- but I can't talk to her while I'm R'ing. Sigh.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455....
the reason we are all here on SI is because....we all realized fairly quickly that the only people that can truly understand what we are going through are those that have experienced it themselves......
that's why it's so difficult to talk to IRL friends/relatives etc. about this mess.
They just don't 'get it'...no matter how much they want to help...
They either minimize it... or go the other extreme and expect you to divorce immediately.....
and some just run away because the whole story is too difficult for them to imagine.. they're almost afraid that it could rub off on them!
So... that's why I think that so many of us find ourselves seeking help and support on SI.
I have actually met up with some of my SI friends IRL and have phoned each other etc.
Sorry for all the pain that you are going through....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone… Everyone here had spouses that were selfish. Yep. Nothing we can do about that. Is your H loving you today or not? I’m sure he is trying but maybe it’s not complete. We get M so our emotional and physical needs can completely be filled. Your H can give the attention your M needs, or not. You let him off the hook by saying stuff like “this is not who this man is”. You have the ability to show him what you need. You can teach him how to love. You can ask him to love you. You can love him more then you are now. You can ask him if he wants to change a make the best possible marriage. You can ask him to share feelings. You can show and ask him to do what I have posted about desire builders and desire destroyers. They really are simple things to do. You can even get help from people that you don’t know but care about your M. If he says he will not do these things or he cannot, then he is making a choice, a decision, he is picking not to, it is his option not to love you. If you choose to stay married to someone that makes a decision not to love you… then you need to realize weakness has overtaken you and your ability to make yourself happy. I know it is much harder for a woman. Most men are the bread winners. But you have strength in your education. Anyway, I pray you gain the strength to make yourself happy.

M3... Yes, I too still wonder if I would be better off with someone new. I cannot control those thoughts popping in my brain. I try to think about all the good things that are going on right now... It works for me today...who knows what tomorrow brings?? During that grueling half marathon I ran yesterday morning, this song pop up on my and I think it’s was meant for me to share it with you M3…

Don't let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked…
Just stay true to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGjSWlG3VvQ

For some reason… I love to run to this artist… lol

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:44 PM, June 28th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: i agree with you completely, there is no one better to help us through this then one of us who is going through the exact same thing...it helps knowing, really knowing that we are not alone, and sharing this helps, and we all help one another, reach out to someone the same way we want to be reached out to....for some of us... ..it's like a need....

well today my daughter is a high school graduate...damn i feel old...she is amazing, i am so so proud of the young woman she is becomming....so yay dd...

tomorrow scrawny boy is 15...and until sept its my favorite time of year...my kids will be 15, 16 and 17...that and they have no school, so its a much lighter atomsphere around the house...


sending hugs to all of our lurkers and sometime posters...wish i could deliver these irl...


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - so much going on in your household & I'm so happy that you are happy & enjoying it.

NJGirl - I saw your post in questions for WS - while we can all appreciate the honesty of the person who responded to you, I think the response represents the great difference between the impact an A has upon a WS and a BS. I don't think anyone should be over it in any particular time. I say this because I am quickly coming to the conlusion that I cannot get over such a betrayal. But, I also think that your continued need to discuss it with your H could be because it wasn't FULLY explored. It's such an emotional thing for us - we are not operating at 100% & sometimes we don't ask the right questions or we accept a crappy answer due to exhaustion or we have all the pieces of the puzzle, but can't figure out how to put them all together for awhile.
So, my point is, if you are in pain and need to talk about it then your husband needs to man up and discuss it with you as well. Does he really want you to go through life with these kind of recurring thoughts. As much as these WS don't want to be reminded of their As, he should want to support you when you are down nonetheless.

Tryn - if you are lurking - I forgot to add the other day that I am sooo happy that you are happy. I really am. And, great job on another 1/2 marathon!

Honest & Fun: WHERE ARE YOU?!?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal -- you're right. I just guess being in the position sucks.

I do have one friend IRL who is very helpful -- her M broke up because her H decided to while away the time she was spending going to law school at night with a string of women from Ashley Madison. Seems like he had pretty much the same "my wifes at school and I'm bored" hobby my WH had.

ETA -- thanks for the song, Tryn. I am deeply amazed and so touched by how often and how many of you have said such wonderful things about me. It's incredible. I'm lucky to have friends who feel the same IRL too.

[This message edited by m334455 at 8:27 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... I am trying not to visit intentionally but not doing well at it… lol.. It is a goal I have to make it through one day without thinking about infidelity.

That race on Sunday was absolutely brutal. It did give me one big high… That runners high is something special. I know the brain chemistry behind it, endorphins, my natural opiate rush.. lol. I battled the 80's degree heat, the horseflies, smell of county cows, pigs, and two huge hills… one I call a mountain… but it was throughout the most beautiful landscape country and forest setting. Those half marathons are a way I boost my own ego. Do you have something to give yourself an ego boost? You seem to write stuff so down and not positive. You are coming up on your one year mark.

I want to share with you where I was at that time and took this from my journal… I was about 1 -2 months from my 1 year dday... you might just be exactly where I was..???

7/6/09
I have been waiting for our trip for a long time. The drive down was excruciating at times. I wanted to just yell at the top of my lungs. I just cannot get the affair out of my mind. Everyday I think about it. I so want Toni to want me sexually. The night we arrive I wanted to make love so bad and wanted her to initiate. It would have started the vacation out wonderfully. I have a real big problem. That night I she told me again she just does not have those feeling for me. I want to just stop having sex with her. I was able to control my temper but not my hurt. I listen for about half an hour to the waves thinking about how I need to start a new life or even end mine. Thoughts of me jumping over the balcony faded as I evaluated how much Allie and Tyler would hurt and never forget. I just cried and cried. Toni did come out and comfort me but I still hurt so badly.

She did want me the next morning but I feel as if it was a sympathy fuck only. How can I allow her to control me like this. I feel like I need to stop having sex with her but it is so important to me. She basically turned me down 3 times that week. I feel horrible every time. Why?

The surviving infidelity gives me something to do and some peace, drive to move on in my marriage for some odd reason.

So I think I need to look at what all Toni is doing for me.
- She has been making love to me when I ask on many occasions. This happens much as 1-2-3 times a week??
- She does kiss me at times unexpectedly
- She does snuggle with me in bed
- She has been transparent to me
- She does tell me she loves me
- She has written some very heartfelt love for me

Ok… ok… enough.

7/14/09

Last night we discussed more about our marriage. Toni still does not sexually desire me. She thinks I'm good looking, deserve better and someone that will give me what I need. She says she has always been weak to giving in to another man during her relationships. For months I have been blaming myself for my part in her affairs. I’m finally standing up for myself and saying she was not healthy, did not know what a healthy relationship was, and did not know how to communicated her problems to me.

Now I have desire issues, physical love issues. She just doesn’t desire me. She says I want sex too often. We made love on Friday. She didn’t want to then. I asked to make love on Monday. She said NO. I’m not sure I want to be with someone like her.

7/22/09
Bathroom Infidelity and Maintenance
Look at that bathroom shower so clean
Day after day, it appears to be the same
Water flowing every morning with great ease
To trickling down the sides, but seeps into a small crack
The moist behind the walls you cannot see
Day after day, month after month, year after year
Hidden an untruth
You notice a dent, you notice a warp, your gut says, hum?
Sturdy solid wood behind you think
It rots inside, infestation does occur, without you knowing.
Then one day, the walls come crashing down
Nail rusted and rotten wood
Why didn’t I notice, why didn’t see?
Toxic mold infects today
Reality sets in, disaster you see
Do I move to a new house? Do I repair what I see?
The floor is solid, foundation is there
So, it can be build back
with hard work and labor I suppose
It takes time

Do-it recommends prevention... take care to caulk it often.
If it doesn't take the caulk, you know you have a problem.
Good walls will want to take the caulk
Care must be taken immediately for walls that won't take caulk
Examine the crack closely and to see what you can do.
Care for it and prevent the rot begins to take hold.

Some wierd shit come out of me during my mental illness...

In August 2009, I went to Retrouvaille. It change both me and my W... It might have been the single most important decision I ever made in my life. It change the way I think about life.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:33 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that spark is not going to return

I think this is my truth!!

And it's scary. Do we really EVER get over it? Can we go just one day without thinking about the A?

I don't know about anybody else but everyday I look at my H and say to myself.."you are a no good sneak" "you lied to me, you deceived me, you betrayed me, you disrespected me". What am I still doing here with you? Why?

I'm disconnected from you and I know it's because you are not doing anything to help me. Hell, you don't even talk to me, you don't touch me, you don't ask how my day went, you don't say hello, you don't say goodbye, you don't say goodnight. You feel sorry for yourself, you are still being selfish.

Yes, you are going to IC, you have remained NC, you do not go out on Friday nights anymore, you do not hang out with your friend, the co-conspiritor.

And you are giving me an ultimatum? Wow! Just Wow!

D is just so scary to me.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: first off, I tend to post when I'm feeling down, so that is reflected in my posts. Thank you for sharing your journal entry. It does provide me with hope. Your message about changing the way to look at the world is not going unnoticed by me. I'm glad you enjoyed your 1/2. I like to run as well & it makes me feel strong & accomplished.

Fun: I hear ya! I seriously doubt I can get past it 100%. I, too, keep looking at him -even in his best moment - and thinking "is this so different from when he was in the A? Didn't we have moments like this when he was lying to me, breaking nc, etc."
I have to try harder tho -for my own sanity.
As for you - I don't know how you are supposed to repair the relationship while your H is sulking. My H doesn't believe I will get over it ever - but he still wants to try. (I really don't understand that & don't necessarily believe that, but anyway...) Tho his definition of "trying" is different than mine I have to say his behavior as of the last 3 months has been good. So, I'm seeing progress & that is giving me hope. Did you ever talk to his IC?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies.. I am sorry if I push ya'll too much. When I read your post, I can feel it too. I wish I could suck that pain out of ya'll, becasue I can take it now.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((tribe)))))

do not have long, pfm and i are actually taking 5 teens to the midnight showing of eclipse (twilight)....i do not know why i ever agreed to this, i do not know why i am such a sucker at times....its been such a long day, which of course is about to get even longer.. ...and i have tons to do before the 4th of july....it doesn't help that i have been feeling a bit more anger, since we went to a grad party the other nite, when we were in the neighborhood that he used to frequent for #1 and of course passing the place where he went to meet her....joy, such joy...

oh well, it is what it is, at least i am recognising why i get into some of my funks...now if i could just head them off at the pass....


and more confirmations coming all the time of how much some things have not changed.....those are actually good though, because they keep me where i need to be, and remind me to stay the course, usually they come when i am feeling some doubts....these are coming when i have no more doubts, but the reinforcement though strange as it may sound is reassuring...


fun...i wish i had words for you, so for now its just some hugs

((((fun))))


and right now i only have time for hugs for all...

((((allgood))))
((((lostsoul))))
((((tryn))))
((((honest))))
((((m3))))
((((lostheart2))))
((((dip))))
((((ats))))
((((njgal))))
((((ukgirl))))

and for all the lurkers, and other regulars....forgive me if i left anyone out...


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Thank you so very much for sharing your journal with us. I especially like your free verse poem. It's an excellent analogy.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:40 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, posted too soon.

Allgood: Thank you for asking where I am.
I don't think something of this immense significance is something that anyone can ever "get over" if meaning by that that one can go on as if it didn't happen. No, it can't. But just like open heart surgery, the scar will always be there, there will always be a reminder of some sorts (even the rib cage was sawed apart to get to the heart) there can be a healing. One can heal to a certain extent, I believe. Have a change in life. Allgood, the next time your WH says that you'll never get over it, tell him that it changed your lives, yes, but you are working toward healing with or without him and it would be better to do it with him and try to build a NEW marriage, not just repair the old one. I believe this is one of the reasons that Tryn is advocating Retrovaille, it seems to have initiated a change in the way he and his WW interact with each other, and they have a new relationship.

Losing the spark? Yes that can happen even without an A. I know I felt that spark lose wither, but I know I "fell in love" all over again too! Perhaps, if you set yourself free in terms of allowing yourself to feel the good and the bad, you are really dedicating yourself to R. You are going to be open.....open for growth, open for the good, and yes, open for a possible hurt again. Are you ready to do this? It's so extremely hard! I would really suggest you share with WH your feelings on this. You may simply be afraid of letting go, of letting your guard down.

I really and truly believe with all my heart, that if both parties agree to try their hardest to R they will still win. If it doesn't work, they both can leave with the knowledge they both tried their best, and perhaps even respect each other that they both tried. If R does work, of course they will both be rewarded with a new relationship, and a lot of work.

Ok, maybe I sound like Pollyanna, or it's just my wishful thinking that if I truly had that chance, I'd take it.

Miracle: Congratulations on your dd's graduation. In a crazy way, it's almost a feeling when we first send them off to school. We have mixed emotions of feeling proud and even a little sad. It's another milestone in their lives, another step in their growing up.
I hope you will have some happy days ahead when you go on vacation. While you are getting ready for your party, enlist the help of the troops as much as you can. Don't be superwoman!!

Nofun, NJgirl, M3 hugs to you guys. Hugs to everyone.

I have been quiet lately. I've been kind of in a funk. Still mourning and facing reality and feeling extremely sad. I'm plodding along. It seems I had a lot of false starts along the way. This road through is hellish. Trying to heal myself seems such an insurmountable task. Baby steps, baby steps.

Yes, M3, divorce sucks. I know I'm trying to put off the inevitable, something I knew since dday #1. Something I am really facing head on, that I've known for years.

I've said to my two older DS's that I wish I never married WH, but oldest DS said that if I didn't there wouldn't be DS 15 and DS 11 and he loves them so very much. I have to look at my blessings. I have 4 wonderful sons, who love each other very much (even when DS 15 & 11 are arguing)

I'm trying to look ahead, but it's so hard when what I'm leaving behind is collapsing and making so much noise in my heart and head that it's distracting not to keep turning around to stop and stare at the devastation and be rooted there and just cry and mourn at my loss.

{{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning. On my way to Family Court this morning to hopefully finish up a case with 2 people that hate each other more than anyone else I have ever seen. O joy!

Miracle: you agree to thinks for your kids because you're a great mom! I think I understand what you mean about being reassured & I'm glad that it can bring you some measure of peace. It sounds like you have a big get together coming your way on the 4th - I know you love being surrounded by your children & their friends & I hope you enjoy it.

Honest: thank you for your thoughts. I think the central issue for me (at the moment) is that I really believe that someone who engages in a LTA is a piece of shit. And, a liar. Looking over the period of time when he was in the A - all the times he lied, etc. and I believed him, I just cannot stop my alarm from sounding off - why should I believe any of this is real? The broken NC and the fact that he has never had a bad word to say about the OW skank doesn't help.
I think that if he did some soul searching & came to the realization that he WAS a broken person, but now he's different, I could accept that. I mean, I know with some criminals - you think how heinous their crime was etc., and then years later you see they've changed & you can forgive them. So, I'm thinking that's what I might need from him. I have told him this before, but I don't think he gets what I mean. It's possible I wasn't clear, but he doesn't seem to get a lot of things I say. I think we both need to see MC again.
Honest, I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I think your mantra of "baby steps" is the right approach. Did you feel about the same way with your XH? Maybe you can remember that you healed from that & went on to be happy again.
All I got unfortunately.

And, Tryn: you are not to harsh. A push in the right direction is good.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK - I feel a LITTLE bad about "the piece of shit" comment and I want to make it clear that I am not really drawing any conclusions about anyone else's spouse (except for Honest's, Lol.), this is just my perspective at the moment which is really, obviously not good right now. I'm very happy that some of you have been able to move on & fully embrace your spouse & marriage. Your spouses must have earned that from you and/or you must be better people than me. I am a grudge holder.

Anyhoo - I gave myself a mini-rally this morning. How does this sound to you?: Some WS talk about how they were like a starving person & it changed the way they thought, made choices, etc. I can buy into this concept. Maybe my H was so desperate for love, attention, approval (I will admit I wasn't giving him those things, we were married, but single) that when the opportunity arose (no pun intended) he couldn't resist, etc. etc. Now, of course that wouldn't justify his behavior because he could've done other things to "feed" himself, but it just might get me to the point where I can reconcile his behavior during the A with the otherwise good person he is. So, maybe I need to see the vulnerabilities in our marriage at the time as having created an extreme reaction by my H. Hmmm.... now I will repeat this 100x today & click my heels... and... well, we will just have to wait and see.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got nothing constructive to add today -- so hugs to everyone and I hope you find as much peace in your day as possible!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a grudge holder

This is me. I wish it wasn't so, but it is.

I think this grudge holding business may be some of what gets in my way or trying to R. I can't let it go.

But when I woke up this morning, I decided to try harder. It's a new day. I know we ALL are human, we ALL have faults. But everyone one of us has good qualities, even the FWS. So maybe I need to think of some of the good today.

Hugs to all of the tribe!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun… I posted journal so you too could see how I felt right at a year out… I went from one year ago this week wanting to throw myself off a balcony, to now planning a shrimp boil this weekend, casino tonight, normal sex life and a very nice hug this morning before my W left for work…

It does start with making a choice to forgive… You should not hold a grudge. It’s time to make that hurt go away. The grudge will eat away at your soul. Yes, your feelings will hurt when you see Vegas… Yes, you will think about it, but next time that comes up, you tell yourself, “That was who my H was” It is going to hurt feeling the rest of your life to think about what happened.. but it gets less and less with Good time. After you make a choice to forgive.. then you work on you relationship…

You should ask him to take back his deadline… You might give your H a “floating” date deadline? He will to nothing but the below desire builders and avoid the desire destroyers OR… you will take half his fireman’s pension! Then you say, you will do the below too… Your H is a man... Men need instructions with this kinda stuff... don't be afraid to present a plan about how you two are going to love one another again.

These are Desire Builders

- Affirmation
- Positive attitude
- “Present and Future” Focused
- Communication
- Cooperative attitude
- Forgiveness
- Affection
- Positive “self Talk”
- Change
- Reliability
- Romance
- Prayer

These are Desire destroyers
- Criticism
- Withdrawal
- Negative attitude
- Continuing Negative behaviors
- No communication
- No reliance on God or lack of spirituality
- Holding a grudge’
- Name calling
- Negative “self talk”
- Disrespect
- “Must win” Attitude
- Living the past

See what happens when you both start doing the above… it’s turns out that it is mature love… it makes you both feel good…. I am telling you this works if you want it to work and both make an effort...

Peace to all…

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:10 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]


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