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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey peeps, i am back...sort of...still trying to get back to normal mode instead of go go go mode....except for a few burps...i have to say my vacation with my family was amazing...i highly recommend discovery cove to everyone and anyone...well worth the big bucks it cost...

i only skimmed through, noticed that you wonderful men, ats and tryn were holdin down the fort...allgood from my speed reading which sucks btw so if i "f" up i will say this now..."i sorry "...but it seems like you went back and forth, but overall are holdin it together...so yay for you and happy belated birthday....

sailaway i barely read your post but what i did read was solid pain and dispair, and for that i am so so sorry...this whole business just sucks..and what sucks even more then that is your road back to some semblance of peace begins with you...you need to take control of who you are and where you want to go..and that means making some decisions that you could live with, i am a firm believer in taking ones time in making life altering decisions because for the simple fact is that they ARE LIFE ALTERING....but depending on your state of mind that is ever constant, if that state of mind is always in dispair it means its time to try something else....forgive me if i am off base...i did though want to respond to your pain on some level so you would know that you were heard...


tribe it will take some time for me to catch up, but catch up i will do...

and honest...you need to post more often please...withdrawal is not healthy....if you are taking some time to just go within then that is another matter, but somehow i don't think that is the case...but i am hoping it is...

fun: i know you lurk...and i know you hate writing...but you too i think need to reach out just a bit more...connecting to others really does help...


lh2 its nice to see your name here and there through my skimming...


did dip go away too?

and m3 sex drive...well i had an amazing one, pfm killed it before i knew who he was, i never would have thought anyone could kill the sex drive i had...but he did...shortly after finding out most of who i was really married to the sex drive returned and it returned in a really big big way...only now i no longer want sex with pfm...a privilege he has lost...and sex is a privilege not a duty, it is also a sacred part of marriage that all of our spouses have destroyed...they took out the part that makes it special when 2 people love each other....and sex is only one part of infidelity...if it were only just sex i think all of us would have had a much easier time of this whole mess....wow i got sidetracked...guess i am getting back to normal a bit quickier then i thought..

eta: i am also suffering from prematurepostulation again.....i wanted to just add some hugs but i got ahead of myself again, so here they are

((((((((((tribe))))))))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 7:53 PM, July 12th (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard, a frank question for you.

Does your W reciprocate with the loving actions and statements you make? Or is she just not hurtful, and no longer in an A? Is you R a true joint effort?

--Ats, the asshole (just tonight I hope)


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noticed that you wonderful men, ats and tryn were holdin down the fort..

sorry, tonight AtstheAss is burning his own castle down with alcohol fueled flames

I am such a hypocrite.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: You are not an asshole!! That term is reserved for my WH!!

Allgood: Happy Belated Birthday!! I'm sorry I forgot to post that the other day. It is hard to keep our mouths shut. I don't know how many times I have to bite my tongue and not let out sarcastic remarks that I know will only start an argument!! WH emails me and says I promised to make a dental appt. I wrote back, "I promised?" He replies, "yes, and you are good and keep your promises, not bad like me" OHHHHHH so many things I wanted to say!!

Lostheart: Thank you for your encouraging words. You are right, I have been programmed well. Also, my mother is the travel agent for guilt trips!!
When I went to IC today, I had your post in mind about working hard. I am really trying.

m3: My sex drive was revved up when we were dating, but with the reality of small kids etc, it went into low gear, but WH always wanted it, but no help with anything. I couldn't just switch gears like that!!

Miracle!!! I'm glad you had an amazing time! You really deserve it. Sex as a privilege? LOL, not according to WH! He tells me it's a DUTY! A duty that spouses owe to each other. <sigh> I guess he means sex, which is not making love.
You are right, Miracle, I am withdrawing again. My mother stayed with us for a week and I was totally drained physically and emotionally. As Lost said, I was "programmed". Just been fighting too many triggers, oh so many.

sailaway: I agree with Miracle. Take your time with your decision. Do not make decisions of this magnitude when you are feeling very emotional. You have every right to feel emotional and I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. {{{sailaway}}}

Hey Tryn, I wrote a long response to your post the other day!

Hugs to everyone!! {{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: You are not a hypocrite. You are just hurting.

You are not burning your castle, you have been trying very hard to rebuild a new one. The old one is gone.

I understand about wanting to dull the pain. Just write here, or journal, and put the bottle away. (gentle 2x4) {{{{{ats}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rye is put away, just water and peanuts now.

thanks all (( ))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: I'll take some of those peanuts!! I'm drinking water too, although I do understand, I wouldn't mind a glass of wine (whine).

Hang in there Ats!!! You have been doing an amazing job with WW! I think that we feel that if we are working so very hard, the pain should go away, but it will take a long time to heal. But it will get better with time. I believe you and your WW are building a better relationship than you had before and are having "growing pains" KWIM?


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest. you are more confident than me tonight. I pulled out the bottle of sparkling we had for Saturday and then today. Thinking of texting OM and bil with her phone.

FWW is sleeping, no problems. I am watching old Colbert episodes.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwan, did you support our sales tax base her in FL?

If I move to D&S, am I still allowed to visit LTA?

I am being a fool, drinking the sparkling wine chilled for Saturday, and then Monday. FWW is sleeping like a log. I guess R is my issue, after all, she has ended her A's.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, sorry to have missed your birthday. You cannot plan to have a good time when the day acts as a trigger, so don’t feel bad about how it turned out. It’s usually those sorts of days when FWH gets the spiteful and venomous remarks from me too. You may feel very different about it all next year.

It’s my birthday on Thurs and I have emphatically stated I do NOT want to do anything, receive anything, go anywhere – nothing. He’s away and probably won’t be back until Thur eve anyway, so I feel relatively safe. The year after d-day was my 50th and I took off to a spa for three days. The following year I allowed FWH to take me to lunch, but I had arranged to meet BH a few days on from then, so I was very guarded knowing I was going to find out yet more stuff about his affair Last year he took me to a very expensive local restaurant which I did not want to go to as the place acts as a trigger for me. I didn't tell him, but I don't think I ever want to go there again. But I guess that is one of the major problems with LTA’s – there doesn’t seem to be anything that hasn’t been touched. He gave little bits of me and our life to her and I know he took her to lovely hotels and restaurants and told her about what we did and where we went. God help him if he tries anything this year!!!

Sailaway, hello again! I’m sorry to read that things are not getting better. I know the feeling of letting the guard down to allow the FWS in – I think we can all relate to that. I was appalled at how much MOW knew about me and it is one of the things that makes me angry. She did start to talk about what WH had to say about sex with me, but I wasn’t going to allow that conversation to take place. I do still wonder from time to time exactly what he DID say, but there is no point. I know that would just do it for me, so I won’t go there. What happened to her blog? Is she still posting after all this time? Best thing is to just stay away from it, we all know that these OP can get totally out of control. But sharing feelings with your partner has to be part and parcel of reconciliation, otherwise it is just the start of not sharing a whole load of other things too which leads to lack of intimacy and communication. If there is no communication, then the relationship is doomed. Are you two in IC/MC? (((((sailaway)))))

Tryn, your retort is understandable. I sometimes think the only people who really get what they want in this world are the most selfish ones – the ones who will trample others in their quest for whatever without regard for who they hurt along the way. Those who yield are cannon fodder anyway. I concluded long ago that I am too nice. But it’s something I can’t change without brain surgery or personality changing drugs. I think your W’s response was unwarranted and I assume it stemmed from guilt and a feeling that you were saying she is not a nice person. Well, excuse me, but she wasn’t!!

Ats, Glad you turned to water. And you are not a hypocrite. And going back to honest’s lines about saying and doing the right things to get the right response is applicable to both WS and BS. How could we do anything else when we were in the dark? It was an act. And by doing it, we were both getting the reassurance we were looking for as well as compounding the problem. The difference is we are seeing things with a knowledge we didn’t have before. There is nothing hypocritical or pathetic about that, whether you are referring to then or now.

Talking of building new castles….. I had a “moment” when fWH and I were walking round a sculpture park at the weekend. There was an exhibition within an exhibition. I followed my H through a doorway into a separated area and saw it was a 9/11 dedication with writings, charcoal drawings and charred wood exhibits. 9/11 was when WH sent the first email. I have always paralleled the day with my own private devastation, but the images were too much. It caught me on the hop, so unexpected as I rounded the doorway. I don’t know if H “got it” but he did show concern and treated me gently. Other than that, it was a good day out. But the point is that even the foundations were wrecked, everything has to be dug out and started from base rock. And don’t aim so high next time. Or be so smug (that one’s directed at me).

Better get on with my day which is to be planned around DS15's "interview" at school which he told me about - yesterday.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AST...
Does your W reciprocate with the loving actions and statements you make? Or is she just not hurtful, and no longer in an A? Is you R a true joint effort?

Yes, my wife is very loving to me right now. But she also loved me during her A. She is very kind to me because of her own effort. Yes, It is a joint effort.
I know you are hurting. If I had asked my W out to a romantic walk on the beach and she stood me up… Yes, I would hurt too. Today, I get my running shoes and run away any pain… I can run for over an hour before my mind gets back to a good place. In everyday life, no matter who you are with, in work, in family, things are going to happen that make you hurt. So you plan another night to walk the beach… We all used to do that before the dday... didn't we?

Drinking too much may lead you to what I did… I grabbed my wife and threw her to the ground.. all the neighbors could see… yelling you F’d him over and over and over… Why did you do this to me? You hurt his W? you F’d him over and over… leaving a bruise the size larger then a golf ball… It was my absolute lowest point in my whole life. It was the alcohol that helped me lose my mind control.
Are we hypocrites to feel hurtful feelings while in R. No. Our spouses must also be pretty tough to handle the shit we must throw at them as our souls heal… Peace to you brother.

UKgirl.. Hah! I saw it the same way at the time she said it.. that was my exact thoughts. I concluded that my W felt guilty. Then I realized that my comment caused her to feel guilt, something that is not in keeping with my pledge and decision to forgive. So.. I told her I was sorry for making her feel that way. Since I have pardoned, Today, she's earned being treated guilt free.

Honest.. you are too nice! lol

Iwant.. welcome back!

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:52 AM, July 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: why do you condemn yourself in your anger??? and drowning your sorrows in booze only magnifies them and i think you know this....are you trying to punish yourself?...

i do not have much time but needed to reach out to you and tell you that you are worth so much more then you are treating yourself....you need to treat yourself well and with the dignity you should not only give yourself but recieve from others.....

and yes we spent a fortune in florida, pfm was spending like crazy, more then usual, actually way more then usual, over the top a bit..

and honest i am glad you came out to help ats last nite....he needed it and reaching out to others may help you far more then you would believe....

ok need to take dd to work now....bbl

i had to edit that i didn't have much time, the word was in my head and not in print, i do that alot...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:24 AM, July 13th (Tuesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. i read everything, so i guess i am all caught up some things jumped at me...

m3: i cannot remember exactly what you said but you intimated that your husband deserves better then you...this bothers me on so many levels....hon..its you who deserves better, he has made his bed and whether or not he chooses to lie in it is not only his choice but would be in his best interest....he put your relationship in this giant hole of a mess and he should be the one to work as hard as he possibly could to build a stairway out of it...he basically put your family in "hell" and needs to climb back up and earn his way for you all to be in "heaven" together....probably a stinky analogy but it sure does feel like hell i would say...

second i am glad you are going forward to a new ic and changing your meds...do not also underestimate the power of post partum hormones on top of infidelity ptsd......

and i could relate to a husband that speaks things that never should be said....i always complain that pfm has balls the size of the rock of gibralter...his whole family does....and this entire experience has at the very least lifted that abuse completely...i will no longer tolerate any of it in any way shape or form....i is as i say "done"....

also have you spoken to your favorite priest about any of this, he always brought you some sense of peace...

and i also believe you are far from being "done"....you need to be able to walk away with a clear head knowing that you truly did do all you could, and that would include ic and adjustments to your meds...because once you walk away the whole game changes permamently...not to say that "r" wouldn't still be possible, but it would be even harder then it is now...and you want to walk away with no regrets....


ats:

you too need to stop talking down about yourself, you need to heal yourself in a really big big way and you need to realize that your ego is just that ego, it and this does not define you and nor does your wife....its more then being "desirable" as tryn likes to say, you genuinely need to be at peace with who you are on all levels, and you need to give yourself some major respect before you could expect others to give it to you.....


ukgirl: in reading your posts you are sounding more like you are coming to some kind of terms...but and this is a big one...not telling him what you really want for your birthday is a mistake, he cannot read your mind and you know as well as i do if he does nothing or makes wrong plans you will be disappointed again..so speak up and tell him exactly what you expect and be honest...if you want honesty it has to start with you giving it as well....he needs to know how you feel, he needs to know what you want and what you expect....and i am sure he will come through for you....


fnf: you too seem to be mia, i hope its all kitchen stuff which can be fustrating and exciting at the same time...

tryn: i agree with most of your first post on forgiveness, a few points i do disagree with however, and maybe when i have more time we can debate them..


honest: i think you need to post more, even if its reaching out to others, i think you need to get that ball rolling a little bit faster towards your masters...

and your ws not coming as soon as he originally said actually makes me happy for you, i know you hate that your boys are disappointed, but i think you need to build yourself up a bit first...and i also sense that you are also disappointed that he easily delays coming here....i personlly think his nbot coming is more about not facing the music then anything..he is not liking the new you that is emerging...the new you doesn't need him enough....ironic too...

allgood: i am proud of you, you are speaking up and i wouldn't worry so much about the snipes you make, they are par for the course...more importantly later on you actually apologize to him for your sarcasm (which i adore btw) and you are starting to voice your needs for this entire mess to him...and that is sorely needed to make "r" possible...its actually needed in all relationships, people do not read other's minds even if at times you think that they do...nothing like clear words to know what one expects, needs and desires....


o.k. i think that is it for now...it actually did all of this from memory so i reserve the right to add in another post later when i review..

((((tribe))))


and it still seems to be quiet in here...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finished meeting with a man who appeared to be at the point of tears as he explained to me that he had committed adultery, admitted it to his wife & she has swiftly & without hesitation ended their marraige.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back IWaM.
Can't believe the subjects discussed lately! but so glad of the honesty and frankness here. Thanks tryn for the forgiveness post and other support to the tribe.
Belated Bday greetings to Allgood and early Bday greeting to UKgirl.
Nothing constructive to add to the wiseness already given.
Allgood - I applaud your courage and strength to go to work each day to such a triggering environment. You are Amazing! sad to read your last post.

Some days I wish I'd kicked FWH to the curb on Dday... other days I can't imagine life without him! Today is a ? as we had a great date night, weekend and 1st Bday party for our grandson (photos to FB a.s.p.) but we are leaving today on a business trip (he's driving so I tag along at no extra charge) and will be back late Sunday. I've never been to these associations' events before (this is their 1st joint meeting) so I'm a little nervous but I'll try not to anticipate problems or 'suspect' any friendly gestures by female attendees. In the past, he has been less than honest about his accomodations (avoiding/omitting details) for this trip. Triggers may be hard to avoid.

I'll take my laptop as I expect to have wireless access at the hotel. As always, the tribe is in my thoughts & prayers. I'd like to say we'll do some good communicating but my expectations are low so I'm not disappointed and ticked off.

{{{LTA tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey lostsoul good to hear from you...keep some faith on this trip and find some stuff for you to do in the hotel like a massage by a hot man...

allgood: how did you feel for this man whose wife ended their marriage?...how much confusing conflicting feelings came into play if any at all?...

and i am with lostsoul on your amazingness at being able to go to work everyday to do what you do going thru what you are going thru...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I was actually feeling pretty good prior to meeting with this man - I had even texted my H that I was thinking good things about him, etc., so, that pretty much turned the day around.

I did feel bad for him. He really did look remorseful & there's no reason for him to lie to me. That was my initial reaction, followed swiftly by my utter amazement by the speed with which this mother of 2 small children with very little earning ability not only decided to end the marriage, but actually took steps to end it. I was impressed, to be honest. Then, I thought, maybe there's a bit more to this story then meets the eye. Maybe she was looking for her out. I don't know - I'll get the rest of the story eventually, I'm sure.

But, after that, I was like, here we go - yet another (sorry Ats, Tryn & Dip) F-n guy that can't keep his fly shut. F first, think about repurcusions later (or hopefully never).

Then to round out my day, I had to advise another guy about a pre-nup - this was a very sweet guy who really was being pretty generous with his soon to be wife, til I was compelled to point out to him that he might not want to be so generous should he find out she's been cheating on him 5 years from now.
O- this line of work- it's not good for me right now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I agree with everyone, you are amazing to be able to work in such a triggery work environment. I think I would be in tears all the time! I think yoiu are right about the WH, his story is probably only the tip of the iceberg.

UKgirl: Happy Birthday!! I agree with Miracle that you should think of something you would want to do on your birthday, even if it's to order in chinese food and have WH give you a gift certificate for a spa day. I hate those unexpected triggers. 9/11 is also a trigger for me. The kids and I were supposed to travel 9/13 to join WH overseas and of course our flight was cancelled. More importantly, DS 34 is a NYC firefighter and was down there that day. He was in World Trade #7 10 minutes before it collapsed and then was going down there 24 hrs on and 24 off for a month in the rescue effort. How could I leave to go overseas? Me and the kids stayed home that year and that's when WH married OW in October. Only came a few times to visit us here, he was so busy with her, and I thought it was the business.

Lostsuol: I hope your trip goes well. It may turn out better than you anticipate. It appears hopeful that you are going with WH and you can see for yourself what the meetings are really like. I wish you the best.

Tryn: yes, I am too nice, and allowed people to walk all over me. I am learning that there must be a balance between being nice and being a doormat! A balance of having healthy boundaries for self preservation without being selfish. If only I can implement them with my mother and WH. It's good that you have running as a healthy way to help you rid yourself of the pain. I admire the way you were able to be introspective about your anger and be able to work it out with your WW.

Ats: I'm glad you are hanging in there. R is not just your issue, it belongs to both of you.

Miracle: Actually, I'm glad pfm spent a lot of money! You deserve to be spoiled and have a good time. I really hope you had some really good family time with your kids. I pray that you have come back refreshed and more at peace. Thank you so much for all your advice and caring posts.

ETA: Had a bad day. Wh and I had words...too long a story. I know I shouldn't engage with him. He tells me I complain to him about things I do here and I expect him to listen, "hold my hand", make me feel better, and for him to fix it while he is over there fighting with the business and not complaining to anyone. I should not be complaining. I should keep it to myself. I reminded him that years ago he said that when I shared with him about things that bothered me, he felt closer to me because I shared my feelings. I said I was just talking to him as a friend and that I always had encouraged him to talk to me over and over again and he did often complain to me. WH says people don't complain to each other, or at least it's not right we should keep it to ourselves. I know he's wrong. But WH makes me self doubt all the time.

I got off the phone and all I did was cry. It really hurt. He doesn't care at all. My neighbor, God bless her, encouraged me to go with her to get my first pedicure and manicure. She was making a joke that after her first husband died she'd get them all the time and "I had to pay someone to touch me!!" The person who gave the pedicure massaged my feet a little and I just started to cry. I almost couldn't stop. I haven't been caressed or felt loved in over a year. I'm not talking about sex. I've been hammered into the ground and told it was all my fault.
I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, but the tears were just flowing.

Last night, I couldn't sleep, and I was remembering my first big red flag with WH when we were dating. Without going into detail, I was too nice. I put up with something I shouldn't have and I had wished for many many years since and well before DDay, that I just walked away that day and never looked back. I often felt upset that I didn't (of course the dilemma is that if I did I wouldn't have DS 11 and DS15).
I realized that I have put up with more and more and what does it take to do it? I now have to opportunity to finally correct that mistake I made so many years ago. I need to walk away. Yes, I am scared. Yes, I still love WH. But I have to survive. WH wants us to go overseas with him in Aug. for 3 weeks for vacation. Of course he wants the OC's to meet our DS's. It's always about him!

Sorry for this long rant. Thank you for listening.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i am so glad to see you posting...

about your ws...he has shown you way more times then not exactly who he is, and i know, trust me when i say i know that feeling of disbelief in seeing who he really is....our ws's are truly masters of deception, and mostly to us...others can see most of who they are so clearly where we still where those blinders to a certain degree...it is really really hard to see the person he is vs the person you thought he was...and everytime you see glimpses of the person you thought he was it makes it that much harder to take it in and accept who he really is....

and you are not complaining, you are hurting and to fucking bad if he cannot deal with it, i am so sorry honest your ws does make my blood boil almost as much as my ws... ...these men have these balls that need castrating....they truly need to be cut down to size....

and i am sorry you didn't sit back and enjoy your mani and pedi...me, i am so not into those, they take too long and you have to sit and be careful, i am so not a girly girl....i would however love to sit still for a massage

allgood: keep us posted on what happens or what turns up on this ws whose wife went straight out for a "d"...she could also be the type who doesn't think things through....jumping and then thinking about what she is jumping into or she just simply knows her limits and respects them greatly....


and about the men who cannot keep it zipped...there are plenty of mow's too.....i will agree though that i believe more men are doin then women....but those numbers are growing....

infidelity is so widespread and is pretty much every where you turn...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,

intimated that your husband deserves better then you

No, I didn't mean this. What I meant is that he's never going to get what we used to have from me and if he wants someone who is going to trust him, and probably even someone who is going to be excited about being with him (though Tryn does seem like he regained that feeling over time about his W) then he needs someone else or new (OW1 or XHSGF or someone not even in the picture yet.)

Look, miracle, (and I don't mean to sound angry at you, I'm just p'doff in general at the moment and it's coming through) here's the thing: HE BROKE THE AGREEMENT. He's been in contact with XHSGF on facebook, and he's been surfing porn and webcam sex sites on our computer and thinking he's hiding it. Agreement broken. Trust back to zero. Etc. etc.

And what I said when we MADE the agreement was (1) if you break it we're 100% over forever and (2) even if you follow it to a T and work your ass off it might not be enough for me.

OH, and the naked picture from BH -- and him coming home last week randomly looking like he's crying... I think it's not too much to assume that more likely than not he didn't go NC with OW. I never saw an NC letter, phone call, email, etc.

So, where does that leave me? I made the ultimatum. If I don't follow through, then I lose all my credibility.

My IC (old one) suggested I think about just saying "hey, you broke the agreement and I said we'd D if you did. I don't really want a D but if I cry wolf I'm not going to ever have any credibility with you ever again..." and see what happens.

But you know, he's never planned one single date, trip, etc. for us. He said he was sorry like 5 times, all within a week or so of Dday and they're all non-pology I'm sorry BUT's...

I'm supposed to be impressed because he no longer COMPLAINS and POUTS about doing the normal stuff husbands with kids are supposed to do anyway? Or the fact that he now does 10% of what it takes to run the household instead of 1%.

My one friend keeps saying baby steps, baby steps BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO A BABY.

Of course, I do still love him and I just look in the mirror and I can barely respect myself -- what the F is wrong with me that I love this dude and want to R with him?

I'm sitting on the information. I'm stewing. You're absolutely right that it could end everything.

If he's lurking then he knows now that I know the agreement was broken -- who knows?

Anyway, we have a really nice weekend planned, just the two of us, and I'm going to enjoy it. Then, we have vacation, and I won't ruin my kids vacation with us snarking with each other. I see my new IC a few days after vacation. And I'm probably going to give all the evidence I saved to OW's BH. That written confession might be very useful to him now that he (obviously) knows (based on the picture text.)

Sigh. I'll post something USEFUL for the rest of you in a minute. I'm still reading.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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