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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OR risk WH trying to keep them there

I think I am not alone here that this is the risk we most fear for you. Is this possible for him to do? Have you told your sons anything about the situation with your H? I know they are so young but maybe it might be time to take them to a family therapist and try to work this out as a family (your H not included).
Have you thought about this?
I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I know these cyber hugs are poor substitutes for the real thing but know they are there for you whenever you need a hug or a friend to listen.
((((((Honest))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive: thank you. I have discussed this with DS 15 and he said that "daddy wouldn't do that". and that I was being paranoid. I even put it in a good way to DS 15: I told him that his father loves him very very much and he might talk himself into believing that it is the best thing for them. That WH wouldn't do it to be mean, but he would really believe it was for the best. WH wouldn't keep DS's from me, I believe that in my gut, BUT I don't know if he would actually keep them there. I've voiced this fear before, and of course he denied vehemently that he would ever do such a thing. DS 15 tells me that he wouldn't let his father keep him there, but I told him I was more afraid about DS 11 who, because of ADD, is a little immature for his age and very impressionable.

My gut doesn't tell me yes or no about this, although I am tending toward no. My emotions are all over the place with it.

Thank you for saying you like my analogy. My first xWH said he hated that I was always making analogies.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I tend to be very suspicious of those who have proven themselves to be liars time and time again. It is one of the biggest hurdles in my recovery and R with my H. He still lies, little white lies most times, but nonetheless, each one makes my ability to ever trust him again, less and less a likelihood. I am saying this so you know where I am coming from - my personal bias so to speak.
So when you tell me that your H vehemently denies that he would ever do such a thing well, no matter how much you want to believe him, do you really want to take such a risk with a man who gives you so little reason to trust him? The very fact that the risk is there, for me, would be reason enough not to take them.
I hope it is ok for me to speak frankly but every time I read your posts about your H's pressure to bring them there, I get so worried for you. I hope I am being overly paranoid but still I am of the school that "we should err on the side of caution." I think this may be especially true for you right now.
(((((((Honest)))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault, it is hard to know what is "right" for you to do looking in form the outside. The perception from here is that he is trying to consolidate his "family" where he is, and that you are not a part of that. A minor option, could he send to you the things you wanted to retrieve? This would meet one of your goals of travel, and be a sign of good faith on his part. I understand your special concerns for DS11. DS15 is soon to an age where he can decide how and where he wants to live his life. He may decide he wants to live with his F for a while, with so little contact he may have an idealized perception of the man, and need to experience the reality. This was true for FWW's D's and her x. We know that you do not want to make a wrong move in all of this, can you identify some that you can be pretty sure are right moves?

iwan, is there something significant occurring that prompted your post in General, or did the server traffic just seem a little too low? You sounded a little positive after your return from FL. Speaking of FL, it does not look like pfm has posted since your return, is he spending time with the alligators too?

forgivenotforget, I am sorry to read you have been feeling down. I can understand this is a difficult time, and it is my experience that managing the emotions of the A fallout can use up my "reserve" for the other things in life.

whatnow28, Hi , nice to meet you. Under the heading of do as I say, not as I do, I am with the maintain NC crowd. If there is identifiable information, posted publicly, somewhere I might pull that down or edit it too. OTOH, if it is just like stuff here, FWW has figured out my username, but I do not think even one of her OM could accidently.

njgal480,

I also assumed that there had to be a real romance to continue in a LTA but now...I realize that is not always the case...

I felt the same, I think the problem is we filter events through OUR lenses, and that is what we would need to sustain a LTA. But then, we never did. FWW was romantically involved with OM#1, but from what I can discern, this only lasted a short period (6 - 9 months?). Largely, it was the external validation, feelings of power and control that kept her in the A's. The sex was "coin of the realm", and as she has said, "what you do when you have an A". As she disconnected from me our sex life went to essentially zero (menopause was the excuse). With no sex with me, OM did give her an "outlet". As we have talked, it is startling to me how devoid the relationships she had were of real emotion or caring. There was entitlement about people not making themselves available enough, not saying the proper scripts. There was jealously of OM#1 for OM#2 But no love, no little caring gifts, no mementos, no warm lingering feelings from her or OM . (I think, I still do not know everything, just enough, I think? )

tribe, I want you to know your outside perspective and encouragement is very encouraging. I very often cannot see the forest (or the path for that matter) for all of the trees and other shrubbery congesting our way forward.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just reporting in as ordered by mom hen miracle. I have been speed reading and trying to keep up with everybody. It was good to hear the positive news about Baby Paddy. I have been very, very busy. 12 to 14+ hr days so not any extra time for internet activities. I know, 12- 14 hr days are short days for working mothers. I don't know how you all do it. I guess I'm too old for this shit. My W has not been so great in the support department but I am managing to handle most things on my own. Miracle. About that massage fanatsy. You did not finish the story. You can't just leave us hanging. We need to hear the complete story. Inquiring minds need to know these things.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: i have this little fantasy that involves a masseuse, only in my little fantasy the masseuse is not a female .....

This reminded me of a massage I had with one of the only male masseuses (sp??) I ever had, besides my H of course.
He was giving me this fantastic massage and I was so relaxed and enjoying the entire experience but he had these extremely hairy forearms and toward the end of the massage he placed these hairy forearms on my lower back and applied pressure and then ran them up to my shoulders. I kept thinking that this massage would have been the "ultimate" if only he would have waxed his arms beforehand.
I'd still recommend him though.

Dip - it's good to see you back. I thought you might be busy with that business venture. How is it going? Hopefully you are finalizing everything and life will get back to normal for you or as normal as life gets in our situations.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never expected a WH to be so remorseful and to have him begging and pleading to come back...vowing to change and refusing to give up the marriage! I also assumed that there had to be a real romance to continue in a LTA but now...I realize that is not always the case...my husband and the MOW were definitely acting out sexually not romantically...

NJgal - I can totally relate to this. I didn't serve him with D papers. Instead my lawyer recommended serving him with a Property Settlement agreement and then if I followed through with the D he said the process would go through a lot faster but that it would give me some time to think about whether or not I really wanted a D.
Anyway, my H swears that he had no emotional attachment to the OW whatsoever and I believe him. He "threw her under the bus" so fast it must have made her head spin. She made several attempts to reach him and he came home to let me know and each time he ended the call immediately and hung up on her. He has never given me on indication that there is any remorse about ending the relationship with her and when I would ask if he feels badly about the abrupt ending, he looks at me like I've got three eyes. I think a lot of times these AP's become habit and when our S's get caught they are relieved to get out of them.
He really did A down with her so I'm sure that is a major piece. She was just someone to fuck whenever he felt the need and since she never turned him down, and never had any expectations, it was too easy. He never respected her and he never would have made their relationship into anything other than a physical one if I had gone through with my original D plans. When they A down, it really is a physical relationship with little to no emotional attachment at all. These AP's make it so, so easy to be used.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:53 AM, July 15th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Shutup  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip: glad you checked in...as for the rest of the story...well lets just say it will have to be left as is, for now anyways..


ats:

my thread in general started for 2 reasons i think, a couple of weeks ago before i left on vacation there was a poster who started a thread on her husband killing her cat...she began blaming him and venting rightfully so, once every single other poster started on how she needed to get out of her sich because her husband was crossing some dangerous lines, she turned and started to defend his actions...then last nite i was reading a thread where the op was being bashed nothing new...but one of the posters completely blamed the op for the entire thing...holding the op more responsible then the person who was supposed to love her and honor her and be faithful to her...and i just saw red on that one...i firmly believe that our ws's are completely responsible for their actions...it doesn't matter how they were persued, it doesn't matter what the marriage was and iw, it doesn't matter that their foo have issues....each and every ws made this decision all on their own, each and every ws could have and should have just said NO...the rest of, the bs's were in the same boats so to speak, and some of us bs's like myself had it worse then my ws in this marriage...i could have gone elsewhere, my ws didn't meet any of my needs, not a one...but i didn't...so i just don't get why so many bs's need to blame the op's for their sich...literally blame them....

we are all always faced with temptations, telling right from wrong though should be easy...you don't steal, you don't kill and you don't cheat....apparantly i missed the lessons on cheating 101....and it almost in a way feels like the ws is being exonerated and not being held 100% accountable because after (s)he was weak...so the op is held at a higher standard...meanwhile the op is a stranger for some of us, if the a is with a friend then obviously this doesn't apply, that is a double betrayal....but in the instances where the op is a stranger, or a co-worker they don't owe the bs squat...they made no promises to the bs, no commitment, no vows....do i hold the op responsible for their part in it...of course i do, i believe in the number one rule of life..do unto others as you would have them do unto you....

do i blame them for my ws making his choices...no..that is all on him

do i hate the op(s)...you bet

but that still doesn't change the fact that they shouldn't be blamed more then the ws....

o.k. time to step off this soapbox...this thread is still going in general, i have at the moment stepped away...too many posters were attacking without really reading what i was trying to say...i was being accused over and over again that the bs has a right to heal any way they see fit...now i could argue that one too...lorena bobbit did what she saw fit.. ...then i was being accused of saying that bs's shouldn't be venting about the op's..not...

then i was being accused of judgement on the bs's and making them defend their positions...not...

oh gosh i started again...i will shut up now...

hi fnf...glad you checked in to....sending some kitchen mojo your way...

honest..its really good to see you posting



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a really BIG BTW HERE:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UKGIRL!

i hope with all my heart that this day turns out well for you and that you find some peace within your heart...

((((ukgirl))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy happy birthday UKG.
(and thanks to Miracle for letting us know.
Do something to spoil yourself today.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday to you! UKG


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UKgirl!

Me & FWH: Not totally a happy camper but am choosing to deal with disappointment later. If it gets too much for me I'll post here.

Hi FnF. sorry to hear you are down but can certainly empathize.

{{{LTA}}}

thunder starting so have to send this & shut down.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: i am somewhat dicsombulated today...i am sorry that i didn't send you some ((((fnf))))...the firsts always seem to be the hardest....


(((fnf)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UK!!!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UK girl!!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I didnít do anything special, I donít want to celebrate or even acknowledge it, which is difficult. Just did a bit of retail therapy. Havenít put any of the cards up, in fact I didnít open them until today. FWH didnít get home until early evening, I took DS15 to his piano lesson and cooked a simple meal (after clearing up after the ancient dog who was not put out before her dinnerÖ..) of scallops wrapped in bacon, rocket spinach and watercress salad and a parcel of wild rice washed down with chianti. No starter, no dessert and eaten in front of the tv. I opened my card from H, and it just said ďBeaucoupĒ. Beaucoup what? I found a couple of poems a few days ago as well. To me, it would seem. Definitely forgettable, tame, no passion, tinged with sorrow, none of the heart wrenching, crazy and fervent stuff he wrote for her. I read between the lines that he would lay down in front of a stampeding herd to prove his love for her whereas for me he would offer a limp apologetic hand.

Iím being useless today. One of those ďit all seems so pointlessĒ days.

I'll read up properly when I'm in a more positive frame of mind. (((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:27 AM, July 16th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest....
everything about this trip makes me feel uneasy....
You probably have heard of situations in the news where the spouse has basically kidnapped the children and kept them in the foreign country and...the US govt. was not able to do anything at all about it!
Iran, Syria, even Brazil....
there was a famous case here in NJ ...when his wife took the son to Brazil and never came back!
If you do not know those stories maybe you should google that subject and check it out...just to keep yourself vigilant.

Now...my big question for you Honest is this.....

Why do you want to continue to stay married to this man?

Why do you think your life is better staying in this situation as opposed to filing for divorce from him?

Why do you think that leaving the situation the way it is...is better for your children?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Tribe!


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Tribe!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UKGIRL!!!
And many more....

Been missing everyone and I do read here periodically, but just no time to write. My summer is zipping by and we have been gone more than at home. I never take my computer when we are gone... just my fishing pole and a good book. And of course plenty of cold refreshments!!

Hubby is seriously thinking about retiring some time soon! Could really change things, but I'm not going to worry till it happens. DD is all finished and graduated with honors from college... but hasn't been able to find a teaching job! So this fall she will either sub or work for SSD full-time. Better than no job and she has to start repaying her loans!

Sending everyone some hope and peace, and wishing you find the happiness you are searching for! For me, it doesn't take much to make me smile! Life is good, we are healthy and so are my kids!

Well, gotta motivate! I have the last of the packing to do. We leave again this afternoon!

Luv to all!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning ats! ....nice to see you feeling so happy...at least i am assuming so...and hoping i am correct...i do so love to be right you know


ukgirl: i am so sorry your day wasn't special, because you are special you know...but a gentle nudge if i may...you teach people how to treat you.....and that includes your kids...

my last birthday i reamed into my boys....i have always taught them that when someone we love has a birthday we need to do whatever we can to make it special as i have done for each of my kids...from the super silly yell outs from nowhere just screaming happy birthday to handwritten cards...this past brithday my boys basically started the day arguing with each other...i put them both in their place on how this is not how people want to spend their birthday, watching their kids go at it...they apologized and for the most part did what i expected them to do for me....and they were 14 and 16 years old....if they are not told i believe they cannot know what you truly want...and aside from that teaching them how to treat their mom also teaches them how they should treat their future's...if you won't do that for yourself, do it for your future dil's...


njgal i agree with your take on honest's sich...it scares me for her....


lovin: so good to hear from you, your breath of air is always restorative for me....glad to hear that you are so happy...still sending some job mojo for your dd..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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