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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Content  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lovinlife, nice to meet you.

...just my fishing pole and a good book. And of course plenty of cold refreshments!!

I hear you. On a good day, my biggest problem is figuring out the proper ratio of bait to beer in the cooler. Just one pole?

iwan, you are correct.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS --

this is why you use LURES.

My favorite rig is a custom made purple rod with a quantum titanium reel. it's awesome.


Honest -- LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to everyone, please!

I have a friend whose husband took their four year old daughter to palestine for a "two week visit" and she didn't see the girl again for 4 months. She called her congressman, etc. did everything you could think to do, but even though her daughter was a US citizen, once she was there with her dad it didn't matter. ETA -- apparently the israeli government wouldn't let them leave because the border was closed, but nonetheless the part that scared us was that her US citizenship and her mother's parental rights were non-issues to the governments involved.

There you go.

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm going to ask you all to do what I'm doing this weekend: pretend you just met your spouse and know nothing about them. Sure, it's hard, but I think the exercise might have value.

[This message edited by m334455 at 11:29 AM, July 16th (Friday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl...
Happy Birthday!!!

and.. I agree with you... the majority of the blame lies with our WS..they are the one's that made a vow to us to stay faithful...
however, I know I have said this before... there are degrees of culpability for the OW/OM.....
if they were lied to and did not know the AP was married ...well... that's a whole different story.
Meanwhile, if they knew the AP was married from the start of the affair..well , then I see them very differently.
And...as in the case of my H MOW... if this OW or OM has had affairs in the past... gotten caught at it! went through the agony of d-day with their spouse etc. and then.... has been involved in affairs that wrecked families in the past...and then... go ahead and pursue another (apparently) happily married man?
knowing what can potentially lie ahead because you have already experienced this in your lifetime....
well...there's a special place in Hell for someone that despicable, selfish, unkind, and manipulative...
so...I agree with UKgirl about where the blame should lie...
but, when it comes to someone like my husband's MOW.....with all her years of having these affairs... I honestly, wonder if any man wouldn't be a sitting duck for her come on...she definitely knows how to play the game...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,
I dont know what to add to what the others have covered. Dont go, Honest. You are not in a good place right now. You are VERY VERY vulnerable and when we are vulnerable, we are weak.
When you visit your H and meet the OW/OC and Inlaws one day, I would like you to go there with a confident, strong and kickass warrior style attitude. I dont think you are there right now, Honest, and I hope you dont take that in the wrong way. dear friend. I can feel your heartache and loneliness and vulnerability in your posts. This is so not the time for this visit. Make an excuse and take the kids somewhere else. After all, what is H going to do?

***

Happy Birthday UKG!!!
I wont even ask how old cos you look too bloody young for any age already!

***
M33,
All the best on the compartmentalising (sp?) this weekend.

***
Hi FNF!
Did you see..there is another M Mcbride fan?? Who would have thunk?

I can imagine how diff its going to be with the bday coming up. Remember: celebrate the memories of the laughs, the tears, hugs, glances, giggles, all that made up that beautiful relationship with your sister. And know that wherever she is, she is grinning right back at ye.

***
Talking about infidelity all around -one of work friend's DD left her H at the end of last year to live with the OM. The H was devastated (they are still in their early 20's) and moved in with ILs (he considers them his parents as his are so crappy). Anyway DD returns 2 months ago, anorexic and wasted when the Om returned to his W, and is checked into rehab. H is willing to work on the M but she said that she needed time. 2 weeks ago, she discovers she is pg with OM's child. Friend and her H are just devastated esp as DD doesnt want H to know that its the OM's child but as they insisted, she is going to tell him this weekend. Friend is so upset for him cos she knows he is damnd if he stays (DD is so contemptuos of him and is clear she doesnt love him) and damned if he doesnt (he will lose 'his' family).

Another friend wants to meet up tomorrow for coffee and a chat. SHe suspects her H is having an A or possibly has another W in his home country. I advised her before to either to do some snooping but she doesnt want to know for sure. But its eating her up.

Its every bloodywhere you go and I cant help but question my sanity - is faith and loyalty and fidelity just meant for a select few? Somedays it all seems so darn pointless.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lostsoul)))

check in with us when you can


lh2: yes it's everywhere...

on my walk this am i pondered a few things...one of them is this whole mel gibsom mess...and i have to be honest, i am having a hard time believing these tapes....i keep feeling like they have been altered...if they are true then he is a huge fool, if they aren't true then she is pretty evil to not only try to pull this off, but to do so on such a scale...sheesh


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2

I know what you mean. This week for ladies night we're taking out a friend who got divorced recently because she found out her husband had been having a 10 year affair. We want to keep her mind off the kids being gone on their first summer visit to their dad.

Little do any of them know that her XH looks like an amateur next to my H.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dont get me started on Mel Gibson. I loved him in LW. I am in a real crappy mood (can you tell? ) but cant help thinking that he and the OW got what they both deserved! Today I read that he may have hurt the baby as well. what an world class idiot.

***
Have been stuggling recently a bit with H and just re-found this article. Thought it might help someone like it did/does me. And yes, Honest, I am looking at you!

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh M33.
So dont your friends know about your H? Who do you turn to for support?

Apart from you guys, my IC and homeopath, I dont have anyone IRL. While I am now pretty ok for the most part, there are times like this week when I would loved to have had someone IRL who understood, KWIM?

So what happened this week, did someone ask?
Well just about the most impt in my career thus far. A court case I have been prepping for since March which the manager took a chance by making me the lead (when it was my first one). H knew for months that I needed him on board this week cos I had anticipated late nights and early mornings and lots and lots of stress. And still, as before, when i need him, he lets me down. I cant even talk to him about what happ in the day cos he would either knock me if its something positive or push down further if its negative. So I have been trying to hold it all in close to my heart and wonder what it would be like to come home to someone who would encourage and be proud of you.
And to top it all, our finances (which he is in charge of) is in shambles and by God, if theres one thing I can handle, is financial insecurity.I go into this panic and freeze. I had to borrow some money from my mum today for a few days, which is demeaning enough but then to explain why and how and then to listen to advice like she strongly suggest that I either reduce or quit IC cos I have been going for sooo long and I really should be moving forward now and be able to sustain myself after all this time -( by the way, IC and homeopathy are the ONLY treat I give myself for working hard - no lunches or lovely clothes or massages or gym membership)And I guess that suggestion threw me into a deeper panic. One the one hand, am I being selfish for using that money on myself like that, and on the other hand, my God, how will I survive? Imagine my panic. Stupidly I garbled that just 3 years ago, the psych wanted to have me committed to a MH hospital and that I talked my way out of it with the promise that I would get a good IC and stay on course for as long as it took. Mum thinks its time to cut down at least every fortnight and to think of the money I would save and on the days I dont go, I can come hang out and chat with her for free. I feel so damn selfish and I love my mum and I know she wants the best for me but...

I guess the combination of events this week is just too much to bear right now. Maybe tomorrow I will pull on my big girl panties...

****

(((((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 2:37 PM, July 16th (Friday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle. While that ramble yesterday was interesting, your massage fantasy would have been more exciting. I'm sure tryn and ats would appreciate hearing the whole story. I have one where I am the massuse. The other person is a female. the problem is that I can't seem to put a proper age on her. So I skip to the proper boob size. I get stuck here trying to figure if it should be small, medium, large or extra large. All this decision making tires me out and I just give up and take a nap. I suck at producing a good fantasy.

forgive. Thanks. I don't know when I will get back to a more normal life. I have missed everyone here.

ats. The proper ratio is to bring all the beer you have. I have never heard anyone on a boat bitch because there is too much beer. Start running low on beer and the crying begins.

m3 Purple rod? Do the fish like that better? Should I paint my cane pole purple?

UKgirl. Happy Birthday.

lovin, njgal, honest, LH2, nofun, tryn and to anyone I may have left out. Hello and I hope you can have a good weekend.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to ask you all to do what I'm doing this weekend: pretend you just met your spouse and know nothing about them. Sure, it's hard, but I think the exercise might have value.

m334455, but what if she doesn't.. you know... on the first date?

Have a good weekend tribe, we intend to. I am going to kick her weekend off right by taking her shoe shopping tonight.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lh2))))

you let those big girl panties hang out a bit if that is what you need...i wish i could be there irl to bitch slap you h and tell your mum to back off a bit...i vote for sanity first and foremost, without it you are more screwed then without some money, and right now you have some places you can go for the money not so much the sanity...

you could always lie and tell her that you are spending money on food, like lunch and carfare...both just as necessary....and maybe since your h is making such a mess of the money maybe you should take it over and start him on an allowance.. .....

and keep coming here and posting love, it will do you good to purge....so tell us how it work turned out...did you kick some butt...


dip: i think if you are going to fantasize about boobs, they should be a big as you want em......just like if i were to fantasize about _________i would make it as big as i wish...but not so big that i would see or should i say feel some pain.. ...and age is so just a number when talking fantasy....as long as the the number isn't pedophile small i wouldn't worry about it....

shoe shopping ats:...i am one woman who hates shoe shopping....i has some small feet...and everything i like is usually in the bigger sizes and what is in my size usually hurts....but shoe shopping for most others is a treat....and a husband willing to do it....kudos to you my friend...


and on mel gibson, one of the last things i heard was his other ex came forward singing his praises....those tapes just don't sound legit...sounds like 2 totally diff convo's on each tape where she speaks....

and i love(d) him too...i'm still hopin it stays in the present tense...

gotta go


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's 1AM and I can't sleep...
I was trying to fall asleep and...you guessed it started thinking about the affair...
and it just got to me...
no matter what he says....
it was 5 long years!!!
I really don't know if I will get over this.
Sometimes I think I will...that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Other times, like tonight...Aaaargh!!!!
I also feel frustrated that I cannot talk about this to him....
and... I also am feeling very frustrated about our sex life......
I think I will talk about that with him tomorrow.
Isn't it ironic? that one of the reasons he had the affair was because he wasn't getting enough sex from me ....and now his libido is in the dumpster...
actually, I have pointed out to him that the reason our sex life sucked ...in the past was mostly due to his drinking...nothing as unattractive as a drunken guy pawing you in the middle of the night.
But...come to think of it... he was never over the top with me the way he seemed to have been during the sicko LTA!
sorry for the venting....
I figured other LTAs would understand...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Miracle and Dip.
and (((())))).

***
(((((Njgal)))))

Is there another way where you both could connect for eg spend the say just cruising a flea market, out for lunch, a movie, etc? And both have to be on good behaviour so no A talk or whining. Kinda like what M33 suggested - a first date?
Re the sex - is it an age or medical or emotional problem for him now?

Sending you big hugs across the pond - I know how 'days like this' suck.

Chin up.
LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all.

NJGirl - I'm right where you are. I had a big meltdown last weekend telling my H that I hated him & would never forgive him & plenty of other stuff I'm sure - but don't remember as I had too much to drink - pretty sure there was a "You're a piece of shit" in there - that's one of my standard comments.
Anyway, I've been feeling the same way as you. I was very quiet yesterday & my H finally asked what was wrong. I wound up telling him that I can't help but feel like I'm the "runner up". Now, don't get me wrong, I don't really think this is a self-esteem thing - I think it's just hard for me to feel good about myself in THIS relationship. All sorts of sex talk followed (well, you guys know the drill - lots of me talking & most of him sighing under his breath waiting for me to shut up) with me saying that I thought he enjoyed sex with her more, that I imagine it must've been a lot more passionate, they were probably more compatible, etc. (my H has always had a higher sex drive than me & the 4 kids plus age aren't helping the situation). So, he tells me he's attracted to me, I look even better now than I have in years, blah, blah, blah, but fails to divulge anything about their relationship. So, it's as I imagined.
I called him out on not being emotionally supportive & told him it's just outright rude & offensive to hear me say these things & say absolutely nothing in return.
So, that's when he offers up that there's no deep reason for the A - it was..... drum roll please (c'mon you guys can guess can't you...) JUST SEX! And it was available.
Ok. Really?
So, when I point out to him the compulsive calling & texting every day, with not a moment, not even important family events being excluded - like my 40th birthday party (which only lasted 2 hrs) or during our daughter's birth, seemed to indicate otherwise, he said.........
They were also FRIENDS!!!!
He also said that's what you needed to do to keep the sex going.
See, as annoying as these responses are, I'm more frustrated by his overall attitude of "Here we go again..." and "guess I'm not getting any tonight".
I tried to explain that if he was more emotionally supportive the "mood" would still be there (for me at least).
Oh well, my daughter is going ape shit while I type away, so I guess that's it for now. (She's got a pen...)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480… Yes I understand… It sounds like you are in the beginning of acceptance phase. True, you feel like you need to talk to him about the A.. but the reality is you know…
- He failed you as a H
- He was not a good man nor H
But that was then. You can make a choice to do the forgiving things... No need to worry about a repeat.. You will know if he begins it again… somehow, someway, God will let you know. Just the awareness today of what your H was capable of doing… and of course, keep strong boundaries…

“Frustrated about our sex life”.. I recommend you try and talk to him without mention of the A…

What has been working with my W and I… We try and only discuss feelings.

Honey… today, I need to make love with you more… When we make love, it makes me feel important, satisfied, merry, spirited, and provocative. I need and want you to initiate making love to me. You initiating makes me feel assured, wanted, affirmed, thrilled. Plus.. it’s fun!

Then ask him how he feels with the quantity of making love? Tell him that he is safe to say anything.. About your appearance, if he is satisfying himself with porn, is it timing… is it his health… Assure him no matter what he says, you will not judge him, punish him… that you just want to be the best W a man can have…. Then listen.

I too have issues with my W and sex. My W just does not initiate sex. I have told her how I feel about it.. and she’s did it once. I am going to need to ask her again. This is something she needs to change in order for us to have a better M. Today, our sex life is frequent.. my W is just not sexy. Based on guy talk with my friends, I would say most women do not initiate… act sexy. Also, I read that about 4 pm is the ideal time to have sex… Energy levels, stress level.. playfulness etc. Last night would have been the perfect time for her to be sexy for me. Kids were out of town, she had a hot dress on... While I’m on the couch, she could have straddled me right there... oh well, if you read any good novels or watch soaps… you women know what to do… No man could possible reject that huh?

For me, every huge mistake in my W’s life is sex related. She fell victim to pregnancy at 17 and abortion end up being a painful solution… She got trapped in lust twice in our M.. her second leading to LTA… those are some pretty big mistakes in life that weight heavy on anyone’s mental health.

Anyway, congratulation on controlling yourself and doing forgiving things to you H… It is a huge battle with your brain and feelings.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:30 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... I think your H is telling you the truth... For me, I could have sex everyday. I really think most men could too. We sure as hell talk about it enough... I bet too it was mostly just about sex to him. I all honesty, I wish I could have my family life and have a little sex on the side too. I really mean that. I think women need something extra to keep an A going. In my case, my W worked for the man. In a way, as much as I hate to say it, but my wife prostituted herself. Was she worth the money she was getting paid.. $75K for Paralegal and did the books for a small firm in Indiana? Today, the man pays the new girl $40K or so.. Yes, she was attracted to him and talked business (partnership stuff) to him but I have no doubt he was in it for mostly the sex. His second LTA.. didn't leave his family before with handicap child at home... Even today, I listen with attention to her talk to me about her work business. She needs someone to do that.. I never did that during her A... I now fill that need. I also think my wife wanted to "climb"... Millions of dollars looks attractive compared to me... I do very well but not millions.. She never really told me these things.. I kinda figured it out on my own... I'm good with that.

The reality of A is that the folks that do it are greedy... selfish. They have no idea the hurt they will impose.. they never think they will get caught.

I think your H wanted sex.. she needed to talk to someone about the biz... no stress of family.. etc.

A colleague of mine son was killed last week. It was his oldest son. So I thought about how I would feel if my son died... it would hurt so bad. I feel my friend hurt in my soul... something I could never really do before dday... feel someone elses hurt like that... Life throws all kind of hurt at us... Bad is never good until worse happens. ~Danish Proverb I think about that. Yes, If God gave me a choice.. your son dies or your W has an A. For me, let my W have the A.

Peace out...

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:14 PM, July 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, If God gave me a choice.. your son dies or your W has an A. For me, let my W have the A.

Oof.
Well, when you put it that way...

Edited to add: Tryn, of course, I am sorry to hear of your colleague's loss. To bury a child or to see your child suffer is clearly the worst imaginable fate. I do have to remember to count my blessings more often.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:53 PM, July 17th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all....
you are the best ....
always have great advice because you truly understand what I am going through..

"The best is never good until worse happens."
Great quote...Tryin.

I had the exact same thought today....
heard a story of someone whose 20 yr old son suffered sever brain damage in a skateboarding accident. He has been in a coma for a year. The family is going for experimental medical care in NYC... driving this son everywhere, need full time nursing care for him at home..a truly tragic, horrible situation......
and...I thought exactly the same thing as you....
if everyone has to have some tragedy in their lives... then our spouses long term affairs are horrible and traumatic but....
not as tragic as the burdens others bear...
we will get through this...
we will survive and thrive.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how ironic...just this afternoon i was talking to one of my charges mommy and she was telling me about her cousin...49 yo man with a brain tumor...they are hoping he survives til her husband gets home from iraq....all the time i hear things like this and truly do say to myself we all have crosses to bear....if these are my crosses so be it, i am healthy and so are my kids....i do count my blessings pretty much everyday..i have my moments, some last longer then others.. ...but overall i do try to look at all the positive in my life that i am grateful for...when my mom went through this it was so different, there was so much she didn't have...and so many more fears to conquer...

we are a strong group, we are more then survivors, we are students in life, learning from each experience, the negative right along with the positive...and we learning to find the postive that comes from the negative...not always an easy task, but thank god for most of our sich's we can....there are a few sich's that i dont think i would be strong enough to come back from...some of you already have, and i am inspired by your courage to not only face it but move on...which means we can all move on from this as well...we a need a little determination to do so and sometimes a little push here and there but we will do this....

and i am so grateful for my lta family here at si...you are all an amazing group of people....so thanks lta peeps...

njgal i hope you sleep better tonite...start fantasizing about some hot masseuse...of the male variety..

(((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't get on the computer because there was something wrong, but I fixed it.

Thank you so very, very much for all your wonderful wisdom, advice, caring and concern.

One thing I do want to present in my dilemma is that for the past 10 years, DS's and I have been living on and off overseas. They have been going to school over there, we come home for Christmas, go back and finish the school year and we come home for the summer. Two times we stayed here for the full year, and one was after 9/11 (that's when WH married OW).
We were doing this because of WH's business (and now I know there were other reasons). We always had discussed that when DS 15 was HS age we would "switch" and DS's go to school here and visit there for the summer.
There was never ever a problem about coming home with DS's, most of the time I came home alone with them.

BUT, of course, all the rules seemed to have changed. In an ideal world, I would take them to visit their aunts, uncles, and cousins (in-laws) who they have seen their whole lives and have always treated me wonderfully. I actually miss them myself, they are wonderful people and keep asking when I am coming. (another loss that I will have when and if I D ) It's just as everyone has pointed out, I am scared. It is not a "gut" feeling, but emotion because of all the betrayal. All the lies.
I simply don't trust him with anything, but that is emotion too....I mean he has still been giving us money.

Why am I better off right now staying with him? MONEY and worry about the kids. If WH is just coming here to "visit" in the house every few months, I probably could live with that for a while until I get back on my feet.

I just feel so guilty about saying NO to the kids about this trip. I am afraid that WH might get angry and might stop paying the money when I'm not ready financially.
I don't want to live my life in fear, and probably irrational fear at that.

Tryn, you are often saying things about "boundaries". I am so dense....what should they be in my case? I am so whacked out in my own emotions. I seem to be able to see things clearly to try to help someone else, but when it comes to myself, I don't what I'm doing.

I just know Limboland will be over very soon. Change is coming and I'm scared

Thank you all for being patient with me these past days and with this long rant. I hope I can take the time and see if I can help anyone else.

Luv ya all!!!

{{{{{tribe}}}}}}


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