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User Topic: Long Term Affair... Part 18
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I continue to hate her because I remain threatened by her

Allgood - I am with PaperRoses on this one - no matter how attractive she is on the outside she is UGLY on the inside. A woman who could fuck another man's wife who is pregnant, and then who has the gall to come to you as a client and accept your services, at a discount no less is, IMHO, pure evil. WTF is wrong with these women??? It reminds me of something a friend once said to me after she admitted she was involved with a married man. She said, I think if his wife finds out and we get to meet, we can be good friends. To which I said, "Trust me, she will never want to be your friend"
I honestly think these women really believe they can fuck our H's and still be our friends. The OW in my case I know believed this. If you could have read some of the garbage she would write on notes and cards to me about how grateful she was for my friendship. Their thinking is so twisted.
So, before I go off on a rant, I just want to say that I am sure your H will soon (if not already) realize how depraved this woman was, how lucky he is that you are still with him giving him another chance and how close he came to losing a "woman of substance" (who btw I remember reading a while back, [I believe it was Miracle who told us]is very attractive, with a great figure and personality and the mother of his children)to a lowlife floozy with the morals of a snake.
You know one of the things I said to my H on a number of occasions was there is no way this OW really loved you. If she did she would have told you from the getgo to go back to your wife and work on your M. She would have not wanted him to suffer the shame and disgrace of being found out. She would not have wanted to risk having his relationship with his children lost forever. She would not have wanted him to suffer the aftermath of the A. She would have thought what this would have done to him in the long run and out of love and concern for his future, immediately sent him back to the family he was committed to care for.
I believe this with all my heart. I also believe these OW/OM aren't thinking at all of the consequence of the A on these men/women they claim to love. They are thinking only of their own neediness, loneliness, pathetic self-esteem and trying to take what never will be theirs.
Threatened by the OW/OM - nope. To me, if our S's did leave us for the OW/OM they would have quickly come to regret their choice once they realized who it was these people actually were "at their core." (This was my sister's favorite expression.)

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:09 AM, August 2nd (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Tribe!

UKgirl, how are you doing? You know how we worry.

Allgoodnamesgone, I saw your new question posted in R. I understand how you feel, and I am sorry that you continue to question the value in R vs. D. You are right that it is hard and painful work. There has to be a pretty good payoff with a reasonable likelihood to make the effort worth it. I am very fortunate (?) to have a WS who is working to be a healthy and intimate M partner, and to show me that I am valued. I hope that you can find this too.

iwantamiracle, here is one where I can assure you, it will get better. Over the next 5 – 10 years you will get smarter, more rational and your DS will see the benefit of listening to you. He still won’t follow your advice, but he will listen. This is how it went with younger stepdaughter and I. She really did not like me or have much use for me in her HS years, but we are bestest buds now.

Honesttoafault, I hope you are getting through your rough patch. You are right in your advice to iwam about the kids being a product of both parents. It annoys FWW to see aspects of her xH in her DDs, but they are his kids too. His behavior can serve to normalize things that others might consider a problem. ((honesttoafault))

Paper Roses, what type of art do you do? FWW has always had an artistic streak, not always fine art, but a variety of media. She is currently revisiting some erotic wood sculptures she had first worked on about 8 years ago. As her eyes have gotten older, her projects have had to get bigger with less detailed painting.

Greener on the other side of the fence…if I decided to D, It would be just as green for me.

Hi trynhard, I thought about this concept again over the weekend. The A sounds very alluring; it has been a great temptation for me to initiate one and experience the rush, the power, the intense love. I have taken some steps a couple of times, but I always end up backing out. It is just not me. As for D and remarry, I am not sure I would ever find someone I would love as much as FWW. She would always be the benchmark. Like you, we have kids, so the D would only end the M, not the relationship. I think this would be very hard. I very much prefer not to be D’d, and I am glad things seem to be moving away from that.

njgal480, old dipstick, and nofun, no comment other than good morning and happy Monday.

This has been a productive weekend for us. Some rough patches with mind movies (in the middle of sex arrrghhh), but good conversation too. We talked about things FWW said in the early weeks and months after dday, versus how she feels now. That was helpful for me. For example, in the early months, she read and really liked the book When Good People Have Affairs, she thought it had a good balance. The reality is this book has some bad advice for the WS, and she sees and believes that now. Other comments and things she had said we were able to clarify. I am surprised looking back at how deeply her thinking during the A period was altered. IT took her months to be able to clear away her rationalizations and mis-perceptions. It has been hurtful remembering the things she said in the early days. These were not things said to be mean, just how she felt at the time. Fond feelings for her OM, who she saw as nice people, warm memories of time with them. It was good to re-hash some of this.

Yesterday we rearranged our bedroom to create a 5 x 8’ space at one end so we have room to yoga together without being out in the main rooms when the kids have friends over. Last night we put a mat out, lit candles and I was able to give FWW a full massage from temple to toes. It went over an hour, and then she held and stroked my temples for another half hour. This is amazing in that I do not believe she has been willing to receive massage for more than 2 hours the entire time we have been married. She said she was looking forward to it, and enjoyed the touching and attention. With my primary love languages being touch and time, this was a wonderful evening for me. Her tantra study seems to be connecting with her, and she seems excited about the space we created. She stocked the room with some pillows, oils and scented candles. We both had a great night's sleep. It was very hard to get out of bed and leave each other this morning.

I feel like it is time for me to simply decide that nothing she said or did with the OM matters. Nothing from that time is important, because that is not who she is now. It's OK to just let all of that go isn't it?


--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenoforget,

WTF is wrong with these women???

Well, speaking as someone married to one of those women

I have said often, there is no rational thought in the W, either the man or woman. I have given up trying to figure out what FWW was thinking when she was involved with her OM, there is no good answer other than she was not. She was caught up in her fantasy where things were simply because she wanted them to be. She cannot explain (in a rational way), nor defend any of her behavior either.

I have come to see her OM, including her BIL in the same way. They may be successful in a material sense, but they are not healthy people. They are emotionally broken, and unable or unwilling to do the work to heal themselves, so they turn to other broken people to get the affirmation and stroking they need. Some use alcohol and drugs, but for our WS and their OP the acting out is each other. There is no rational thought, just acting.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: . . . a few questions...
has he given you any reason since way back when to distrust him?
has he said or done anything to put up the antennae?
has anyone else said or done anything to make you question his trustworthiness?

Miracle - No to all your questions. Actually it was a situation of triggers. Before d-day I often took trips on my own for up to a week at a time never thinking I had to worry about my H being faithful. It has taken me almost 5 years to finally decide that I wanted to go out to visit my son and his family and even though my H wasn't able to take the time off from work, I decided it was time to TRUST him and just go.
Well, I triggered almost every day, especially after he would call and then say he loved me when hanging up. It just reminded me of how he would do this every time and I believed him. So I questioned whether I could believe him now. KWIM???
I feel better now though but am trying to decide whether I want to do this again in the future. This is something I really hate that is a consequence of his LTA - the never having peace of mind when we spend too much time apart.
Tryn - I see your point about trust being a choice but it is the fear that gripped me while I was away. You see, when I made the decision to go away for a week on my own I had to decide to trust my H in order to do this but once I was away, I was gripped with fear - "WTF is he doing now that I have given him all this free time?"
Do you see what I mean. I can chose to trust him but that doesn't eliminate the feeling of fear that he will do this to me again.
After reading alot of the responses on trust, I do think fear is something we all have a degree of as a result of our S's LTA's. Some may experience less than others but I wonder if any one of us doesn't experience to some degree.

UKG - How are you doing? I hope you'll check in and let us know. I can imagine how much you must miss your adorable Holly. Also, I know you mentioned that your H was going to Italy (I believe this week). I hope you will be ok and come to us for support if you need us. Never forget that we are here for you. (((UKG)))
ATS - You mentioned a book, Soul Sex. This sounded so interesting. Without going into any details that might be a little too personal, can you give us some idea about the general idea of the book. I often think that my H doesn't connect on an emotional level (our MC thinks he may have Asberger's syndrome) during sex and if this book is about connecting on that level during sex I would love to get a copy. This would be such a great thing for me and our M.
Honest - how are you??? I see you had been away a few days and that you are having trouble sleeping and just generally dealing with your situation. When do you expect your H home again? Is this something you are dreading or looking forward to? Please come here for support or to rant or maybe just to chat and offer others advice if that helps. Whatever it is you need from us, if you let us know we will try to do our best. (((Honest)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, ATS, I do hope I haven't offended you. Sometimes I get so worked up about the OW in my case and then when I read Allgood's post about this OW actually taking advantage of her professional and personal generosity, I just ran off at the mouth without thinking.
It is more about these women thinking they are our friends because this was the case for me as well as Allgood and a few others on here - they come into our circle and try to be a part of our lives and this is where we get doubly betrayed. This is where my anger comes from. I often wish I never knew the OW. It would have been so much less painful for me.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive:

I am sure your H will soon (if not already) realize how depraved this woman was... a lowlife floozy with the morals of a snake.

No. He doesn't think this way and it really bothers me. She was his "friend'. She was "nice". She was attractive. He doesn't think she did anything wrong because she was single. I begged him for anything, to say anything, negative about her. He came up with.... she's short. (He was joking, but it was really not funny at all - it was just him trying to change the topic because he seriously has nothing negative to say about her.)

Sorry I can't respond to others that are hurting right now - I'm having an XBOX dilemna with 3 very impatient boys with a techinogically challenged mother...
I'm hatin today. I admit it.

EDITED: because I forgot the best part: she's not a low life with no morals - because she wouldn't normally do this kind of thing - it was just because it was "him". (Self centered, egotistical p.o.s.)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:49 AM, August 2nd (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
sad4mom
♀ Member
Member # 21980
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of feel like I'm crashing a party here. 4 years ago I found out my WH had a 5 year affair. I had a hard time this weekend at my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary and decided to check in with the" long term affair gang" to see if I am crazy for still being this hurt or crazy for still trying to make this marriage work. I guess I need to get back in therapy.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She stocked the room with some pillows, oils and scented candles. We both had a great night's sleep. It was very hard to get out of bed and leave each other this morning.

Wow, that sounds absolutely beautiful! What an amazing night you had.
I feel like it is time for me to simply decide that nothing she said or did with the OM matters. Nothing from that time is important, because that is not who she is now. It's OK to just let all of that go isn't it?

I generally don't post anything religious or spiritual but this reminded me of something that happened a while back. I was looking for a sign that everything was going to be ok and decided to go to church and ask God to help me through this. As usual, I was late and walked in just as the lector was reading the following passage:
"Remember not the events of the past; the things of long ago consider not. See I am doing something new."
I don't know if you can imagine the power of hearing that immediately after asking God to help me but it was amazing. I hope this finds its way into your heart and soul too.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW I'm glad I knew OW1 VERY well and that I met OW2. I'm not even 1% threatened by either one of them.

I was mad at OW1 at first, just because what kind of person pretends to be a FRIEND -- ugh. But I never blamed her.

Anyway enough of that. My motto about cheating is this: if you're going to cheat, you should pick someone richer, younger, smarter and better looking than your spouse. ALL of them. Because you might wind up with your AP, and paying child support/alimoney and at the end of the day, if you wind up with your AP you are winding up with an untrustworthy cheater.

Hi paper roses. welcome.

I had a great vacation -- but Baby Paddy "won" vacation. She LOVED the beach, and, god bless her, finally started sleeping 12 hours a night as well.

WH hated vacation -- said it was the worst one ever.

Funny, huh? Life is SO much about your attitude and perspective, don't you think?

I thought it went as well as possible for taking that many young kids (4 mos. 15 mos. 3 and 8) to the beach. Our friends (3 kids -- 6, 8 and 10) were a huge help as well.

But WH said he was thwarted at every turn. Didn't catch any fish. Our shark fishing trip was canceled due to 17 knot winds offshore, Sunshine BROKE HIS NOSE.

I had fun anyway, except Thursday night when WH and the woman from our couple of friends were super nasty and drunk.

I had a real epiphany on vacation too. WH and I are going to have to be like pfm and miracle. I just can't R with this guy. The part of him I loved is just mostly gone. He's just going to have to be his own problem now. Though I don't think I'll give up sex.

I mean, you never know, he might throw a Hail Mary one day, but I'm detaching and giving up hope.

Thursday night I took the 5 oldest kids to the movies. When I came back 3 hours later, WH and our two friends who were watching Baby Paddy and Sunshine (both asleep) had gone through about 2/3 of a 2L bottle of vodka. And this woman said to me that WH had spent a lot of time complainig about how horrible it is to be married to me. How I kill all his fun, blah blah. I just didn't want to sit there and take their shit. So I said, "so you spent the entire time I was gone taking 5 kids to the movies by myself complaining about me? I don't need this. I'm outta here." and I left. WH chased me down and yelled about how this marriage is so shitty for him because I'm always so dramatic. And he pushed me and got right up in my face, ya did da. What an ass. Then the next morning he had the gall to get right in my face right again about "was I going to dare to be mad at him because he didn't do anything and it's not fair to be mad at him..."

POSTER child for emotional abuse. This is after he started our vacation Friday night by picking a huge fight and following me across the street with it to our neighbors where he was SO nasty that apparently my neighbor chewed him out when I took Baby Paddy home to put her to bed.

I'm not going to make any progress with this guy. Best case, I can get him to family counseling so he'll quit emotionally abusing The Pharaoh and The Pasha.

The Pasha had a meltdown thursday afternoon because he was on day 6 of no nap which is just crazy for a 3 year old and WH litterally wrapped him up in a blanket mummy style and held him on the floor and screamed one inch from his face about how horrible he is and how he was going to beat him if he wouldn't nap ... it's just ugly.

so, I guess my few months of peace after Dday are over.

I start with new IC on Wednesday. Thank goodness.

sad4mom

my priest said I would NEVER get over it, only learn to live with it, like death. So, yes, you're normal.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget,

No offense taken, it is cool It was an interesting ah ha moment a few months back when I realized FWW was a MOW. I had not thought of her in that way, but there you go. I reply with my perspective of what she has shared with me and in MC to point out that her focus was not on another woman's H, it was on her OP. HE was not a married man, a husband, a father, he was her AP, a fantasy, a source of kind words and sexual physical release. She had lunch with OM and his wife from time to time and thought nothing of it, literally. She did not connect with him as someone’s H, he was her AP.

I presume it cuts both ways, and there was nothing personal towards me from the OM, I was a non-factor. She was their source of ego stroke, excitement, a break from a routine day and a sex fantasy to help them feel good about their lives. If anything, I was a complication in their lives to schedule around.

Soul Sex is by Al Link and his wife, and it is available on Amazon. Many tantra books focus on the sex, chakras, energy, etc. This book focuses on your life using the sexual relationship as a point of contact. I accept the fact that FWW has never had an emotionally intimate relationship with any adult, including me. The people who said they loved her abused her, hurt her, and abandoned her. She has never been comfortable with extensive kissing, “snuggling”, touch and massage. She struggles to hold eye contact with me. Sex was just something you did, or had done to you. A key requirement of our R is that FWW and I have a better M than before; one where we are emotionally AND physically intimate. Sex is a very small part of this. The book has exercises on touch, matched breathing, incorporating sensuality into everyday life. FWW is really working on this part of her, and I am seeing success as I noted in another post. We touch more now than ever before. She is no longer afraid to be vulnerable to me and to rely on me. I have real hope that we can have a true loving and intimate relationship.

ahh the advantages of anonymous forums

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Concerned  Posted: 9:42 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mm334455))

I have nothing helpful to say. It is not right.

So I said, "so you spent the entire time I was gone taking 5 kids to the movies by myself complaining about me? I don't need this. I'm outta here." and I left. WH chased me down and yelled about how this marriage is so shitty for him because I'm always so dramatic.

absolutely f*cking unbelievable

Didn't catch any fish. Our shark fishing trip was canceled due to 17 knot winds offshore,

the fish gods don't like a**holes

((mm334455))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi sad4mom,

welcome (?) back

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - You sound better today. Teens can be a real challenge but like everyone is saying, eventually they do outgrow their combativeness and become amazing adults. Also, I'm betting that although your son may be showing some traits of pfm, he's got a lot of warm and wonderful qualities that he has inherited from you. Believe me, even if there not as evident, they will surface and you'll be so proud of the man he will become. You're too devoted a mother not for them to be there in him.
and decided to check in with the" long term affair gang" to see if I am crazy for still being this hurt or crazy for still trying to make this marriage work. I guess I need to get back in therapy.

Remember the LTA mantra - LTA = LT recovery. I told my H that if his A lasted 8 years he should expect no less than that for me to really be healed. That doesn't mean we're not getting better every day. But we do need to accept occasional setbacks. They are part of our recovery. It's just when, IMHO, there is no sign of improvement in your recovery and R that I would be concerned. And as far as IC, I always return to mine when I am going through a rough patch. I asked him if this was ok and he absolutely assured me that it was. So, when you're in this place, take advantage of your IC's professional wisdom to help you through it and don't forget to come here too.
Our shark fishing trip was canceled due to 17 knot winds offshore

M33 - your H should count his blessings. You may have been tempted to toss him in as bait if you had gotten out.
Sounds like your H has a lot of growing up to do not to mention tons of work in IC if you can get him to go.
Hugs to you and your kids for making the best of a vacation that it sounds like your H tried to sabatoge from the beginning.
(Self centered, egotistical p.o.s.)

Get it out sister!!!!
I love a good rant when I see one.
ATS - that book sounds amazing. I'm off to Amazon to order myself a copy. Thanks for the recommendation. Btw, did you see my post to answer your question about letting go?? What do you think??
Hugs to the tribe and those who are lurking.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw, did you see my post to answer your question about letting go?? What do you think??

After I started to tear up I copied the quote and emailed it home to save and share with FWW. We are working on creating some inspiration cards for couples trying to heal after an A; a nice picture with a meaningful phrase. That one is going on the list we are collecting. I agree with the quote, that was then and this is now. As much as additional details would intrigue me, they are just TBU (true but useless) as relating to my R. My only fear is that there is something significant that FWW is hiding and thta I stumble across or have revealed to me in the future. Should such a thing happen I would feel obligated to seperate and D, and I do not want that. She says I know everything significant, so I will trust her.

Thank you.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ATS. As a matter of fact, he hasn't caught a fish all summer.

You guys keep me sane. He is the king of invalidating people.

Drama. Love it.

I was really sad to hear our marriage has been shitty for him. It seems to me like he's gotten everything he wants. 2 OW, dating sites, porn everywhere, never had to take care of his kids, 2 boats, big house, me doing more so he can have his important job, no housework or errands or chores, drinking, drugging, picked out 4 new cars, 15 nice vacations; 4 of them with his AP -- I'd say it's been a good 10 years for him, but I guess Peter Pan doesn't agree.

I'm just going out on a limb here, but I really, really think he wants to D but it would ruin his "nice guy" image.

Thing I keep thinking is: how far do I have to go to feel like I did all I could? My 8 year old, The Pharaoh, is a VERY sensitive kid (i.e. wuss, pussy, dramatic, crybaby etc. according to WH) and if the M doesn't work I'm going to need nerves of steel to handle his pain -- so I HAVE to be 100% sure.

I just keep thinking WH is going to snap out of it. He didn't use to be such an effing jerk.

ETA -- I'm sorry to all that I couldn't keep up. I swear I'll stop whining about be and go back to being a helpful tribe member going forward.

[This message edited by m334455 at 11:19 AM, August 2nd (Monday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - I forgot to post the verse - it's Isaiah 43:16-21 in case you need this. Also, there are so many great taglines that I think would work for your inspirational cards (great idea too since so many of us have trouble getting an appropriate card for various occasions). I always try to read everyone's tagline because they can be beautiful, hilarious, and a variety of other things that lift my day.
For the record, and I think I've said this before, you and your wife are doing a fantastic job in R. Even when you get a little down, you are quick to work on it with her and get right back on track. Kudos to you and Mrs. ATS.
M33 - I hope your H doesn't say these awful things to your children. This is so damaging and I would be on top of him beating the crap out of him if I were you if and when he did this.
It sounds like responsibility has escaped him for a long time. It's funny but I was wondering if a lot of us here have taken over our S's responsibility for the M and family thinking they were too busy or too stressed out only to find out how they took advantage of us. In MC'ing my H told me that he didn't think I was carrying my load as his reason for having an 8 year LTA. I told him that I was not only carrying my load all those years but was carrying his as well and just because he brought home a paycheck didn't mean he was carrying his load. Sounds like your H might be of this thinking as well.
Whatever this is that your H seems to be going through I hope he can get himself some good IC'ing and possibly even the two of you could go for some MC'ing. Maybe this will help to snap him out of this latest fog.
(((M33)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:35 AM, August 2nd (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was really sad to hear our marriage has been shitty for him.

I just keep thinking WH is going to snap out of it. He didn't use to be such an effing jerk.

Could he still be in contact or have another A going? These quotes do sound like FWW while she was still in the fog.

((mm334455))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
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Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could he still be in contact or have another A going? These quotes do sound like FWW while she was still in the fog.

Ats - this is what I'm thinking too.

I did see he'd broken NC with OW2 if you remember. Well, The night before we left for vacation first, he picked a big fight and then I saw there was a package so he told me to open it and it was a new wedding ring to coordinate with his. It's adorable. Has a hammerhead shark on it. Anyway, he was less than thrilled to give it to me and reluctantly put it in and said with this ring I tee fish. He picked a big fight that night too.

Then, his friend saw the ring night before last -- a very good friend of OW2 as well and he was VERY unhappy to see the ring. Flat out told him right in front of me that he really, really shouldn't have bought it.

Ugh.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
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Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: I was wondering where you were. Welcome back! Sorry your H disappointed you. You sound good tho.
A couple of things you said resonated with me:

So I said, "so you spent the entire time I was gone taking 5 kids to the movies by myself complaining about me?

This is my life, exactly.
Funny thing is - since DDay -the little things don't bother me anymore - so I appear to be far more relaxed in social settings. Over the weekend, more than 1 person asked how I put up with Mr. Allgood and 1 person, who I'm sure had me labeled as someone who is no fun at all, said "I don't know - I think AllGood is kinda cool & it's all you Mr. Allgood.." That really cracked me up.

And this:

I mean, you never know, he might throw a Hail Mary one day, but I'm detaching and giving up hope

Hail Mary - . That cracks me up - yet I totally relate to the frustration behind the sentiment.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
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Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 2nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

since this thread is not locked yet and has room for one more post i will be selfish and claim it...


and i do not have much to say here in part 18, i will save it for part 19....although i confess i already posted in part 19...so this is throwing off my sense of everything needs to be ordered and balanced...not an easy compulsion to have when you are a mom, so i take pride in preserving that one.. ...byt this once i needed to come on over to the chaos side...things out of order side....and its fun...


so with great fondness i bid adeu to part 18....and with great joy i welcomed seeing the treat m3 provided in part 19!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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