SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When an OM or OW enters your marriage...fight back!

Your WS and their AP are in a common stature to destroy your marriage. Do not lay down and let them take it.

Stand up! Get composure! I know this hurts more than anything imagined, but you have to stay focused.

Your WS is no longer in the right frame of mind. They have let fantasy become their reality. You must keep your composure or they will pull you into their fantasy and make it your reality also.

Fight Back! Do not beg or let them confuse you with their fog babble.

Keep your hands on the pulse of reality. Tell them that you love them, but will not be a part of marriage where a third party is involved.

Expose them to your family and their family. Expose them at work and to close friends.

This will be met with venom, but tell them that I'm trying to save our marriage and it may not seem like it, but i'm doing this for us.

Your WS is not themselves, they have let themselves go down a road of destruction because of self-entitlement,self-gratificatiom,self-esteem issues,poor communication and passive aggressive behavior.

Fix the things in you that you know need fixing. If you were neglectful in areas,fix that. If you were passive aggressive, fix that.

By no means is this saying that you were at fault for their affair, that is theirs and theirs alone.

However, unless you were a saint and the WS has a serious disorder that needs attention, there may be some things in you that need attention.

Fight Back! Confront the AP every time contact is made.

Make their life hell. Expose to their husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. If they are single expose to their parents or close relatives.

Most of all keep tabs on your WS. Cut off all things that you have control over that they may use to continue the affair. Use VARs,Keyloggers and check for "affair phones" and cross check the cell phone bill.

Fight Back!

Foggy WS's are like dealing with addicts. They must be cut off from the "drug" and means to get that "drug".

Do not bargain. Lay down your boundaries and if your boundaries are crossed, lay out and play out the consequence.

If it's an exit affair and they are POSITIVE that it's over (because WS's will say that the marriage is over in fogspeak) then let it go.

Do what it takes to heal yourself and move on as best you can.

Lots of WS's never really want to leave their marriage, we just act out irresponsibly and selfishly. Not always aware of the damage we are causing and have caused.

But a BS fighting back against our unstableness will be the bane to get our minds back to reality.

We have justified our wrong actions. We have made a scenario that is not acceptable, acceptable in our minds.

Fight Back and be a light in the fog.

If you choose not to fight back then that is your right, for no one deserves to be a product of infidelity.

But if you choose to fight, be vigilant, be firm and be victorious.

It is the first time I have posted in this forum.

Only to mention that not all of us had the choice.

total idiot,

I'm Sorry that you had to go through that.

I only posted this for encouragement..not to say that no one wasn't fighting or had the choice to.

My apologies to you if I offended you.

no you did not offend me. I read here sometimes and it confuses me because my wxh just left without any word but I do wish well to all of you who did not. But just wanted to say that not all of us even had that chance. plus I don't know anymore if I would have fought for him because if I had to I would have felt I wass less than I deserve for myself.

How long does a bs fight for? I have been and he drops crumbs. Are those just to get me to play nice or are they real? I don't know. The fight is wearing me down though. That's the million dollar question....when do you know it's time to let go?

My BW fought for a couple years and I dropped crumbs. She even agrees that at moments the glimpse of who she knew I was would come out, but the truth of the matter is that I really didn't come around until she started doing things for herself. She got to that point where she packed a bag, she was going to leave and leave the kids with me. She was going to fight for the life and the love she wanted and in the process make sure that I had a cold dose of reality. So she fought, but when she started fighting for herself is when things really changed for me.

Iwasn'tcrazy,

If you are getting crumbs, then it is not effort. It is token attempt to keep you off his ass.

By fighting, floridaredman means give them your demands, 180 HARD, expose them to everyone you think will NOT condone their actions. Draw your line in the sand and make sure that everytime they cross that line it is painful, loud, and embarassing.

And ....you do it until...you either get the results you are looking for, or realize that you won't no matter what you do.

You are not obligated to play nice. Watch NFL....is anyone "being nice" there? Hell no, they are out to crush the hell out of their opponent, smash them to bits if they get in their way, and win.

Do not make the mistake of playing nice. You need to fight fire with fire.

Until you decide, f*** this, what I gain isn't worth the effort, then you fight. When you decide it isn't worth it, then forfeit the field!

Yes, once you realize what is going wrong with your M and your WS. Once you understand that there IS an OM/OW to fight.

So many of us got blindsided by our WS's As. They withdrew, seemed to start getting mean/dismissive/critical/etc, spent less time and energy on the M and family and more time "working late" or "out with friends" or "working on the computer."

With people who are doing their very best to keep you in the dark, you don't always realize what you should be fighting.

If it ever happens again, I'll know what's going on. I'll also know what to do: my beloved FWW, the woman I married and still love with all my heart, has gotten all the extra chances available. I can't go through this again.

[This message edited by Crossbow at 11:11 AM, June 6th (Sunday)]

Do you think this theory / approach works on WSs that are no longer actively cheating, but still minimize / blame / trickle truth ?

Interesting.

But I would venture to guess that 90% of us didnt know we had to fight,we were too busy being faithful and taking care of business.

In the past two and one half years I have fought for my family first,myself...and then my marriage. Once I found myself again,and took care to continue to help my young adult children still feel somewhat secure I realized that marriages take care of themselves pretty much when both parties in the marriage are doing a good job of taking care of themselves.

IMHO,it is not the BS's responsibility to fight for the relationship...own your own sh**,yes...but otherwise my feeling is that the responsibility of "fighting"

lies with the offending party.

ETA---in dealing with addicts,those who love them and have hopes for their recovery hand the responsibility of righting their ships to them---the addicts...addictions,be they drugs or relationships are everywhere...it's the addicts job to resist them...not our jobs to "take the drug away" from them. Its THEIR deal.

Just as affairs are the deal of the betrayer.

Again,JMHO.

[This message edited by somanytears at 11:52 AM, June 6th (Sunday)]

Hell no! I ain't fighting back. If he wanted to be with the OW I would have gladly showed him the door. There is no f*cking way I will ever fight for something or someone not worth it and if he had plans to continue the A, then he is not worth it. I f*cking deserve better.

And in all honesty, the only one I believe should "fight" for anything should be the WS if they want their BS back.

somanytears,

You are correct, the fighting belongs to the WS.

However there are plenty of times where the BS finds out about the affair and still wants to save the marriage.

This post is not to put that burden on the BS. It is the WS deal to own their shit...this is for those whose foggy WS is on the fence. Trying to cake eat.

All WS's are not immediately remorseful. XSome have to have an eye opening event to pull them back to reality.

By taking away the drug..I mean if you are financing credit cards and cell phones and anything used to promote the affair, cut it off.

True..WS's, when they are truly remorseful, will do anything to save their marriage and they should.

Like I said..the affair is no way the BS's fault. But for those who want to save their marriage "fighting" is what is needed for a fencesitting WS or the WS will drag the whole family into a deeper hell.

You will not get a WS to fight for their marriage until they see they are about to lose it.

ETA..You have every right to choose not to fight. No one deserves to be a product of infidelity.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:12 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

woundedspouse,

Transparency and being open and honest is crucial for recovery.

If a WS is refusing to be transparent then

1. they are still involved some way in the affair

2. They are minimizing and trying not to make the situation look as bad. Which is again selfish

3. Do not see how much damage they have done.

Again..make your demands. If not met be ready to follow through with your consequences.

Only you know when to say "when"

i need to ponder what it is you are trying to say here...i don't think a bs needs to really fight for the marriage when ws is in the fog..that is not the responsiblity of a bs...the bs's responsiblity to him/herself first and foremost and saying otherwise is to me anyways is yet another kick to the bs...it is blameshifting to me....the bs must fight because the ws cannot...the bs must fight and correct themselves on what they contributed to the marriage prior too...its putting an awfully huge burden to me on someone who not only needs no further burdens but should be lifted from the burdens they already carry...

if your aim to get the bs's to set new boundaries, for the bs's to do the 180, that is not just a way to "fight" for their marriage but a way for them to be whole again..to "fight" for themselves...

i will ponder this some more...i may come back to this again later...

Iwantamiracle

I am not putting the burden on the BS by no means. By fighting I mean do not lay down and let a WS run over you.

Do not be a doormat by any means. Yes make yourself healthy.

I will say again, it is not the BS's fault for an affair and the WS should do everything possible to save their marriage.

There are people right now trying to save their marriages with foggy WS's.

When I say be the light..I mean knock them off the fence.

I realize that this sounds like the BS has all the work to do..No that is not what I mean and I apologize for not being clearer.

It is entirely the WS job to mend things once they "get it"

I am merely saying enforce your stance to help the WS get it. this does not mean you carry their burden..this just means you make them realize they have a burden to carry.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 1:00 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

I agree with you floridaredman, I believe it has to be on the WS to make it right and repair the damage. I realized I was in a fight that I won without even trying when he confessed his A to me. Now I'm focusing on me and making plans for a life without him, just in case he decides to do it again. If not, that is wonderful. he can do the work to repair our marriage since he broke it, now he has to fix it. If he does decide to bring contact with the stupid OW, then they deserve each other, I will be so far down the road that all he will see is the divorce papers flying right to him. Thanks for your post!

I agree that it's the WS that has to do the fighting, to prove that their worthy of the BS. Fog or no fog, it's the BS that was betrayed, their not the ones that have to fight for anything, just their own sanity.

If a WS is truly remorseful, they will do whatever it takes and anything to fight for their M. We as the WS's have to fight for forgiveness, respect, and the most difficult one is trust.

Looking back I see all the dumb ass excuse I used and all the lies I told, just to save my sorry ass. But I'm the one that created the mess, not my BS. No matter what I thought may have been wrong in the M, I'm the one that made the choice to have the A. No one twisted my arm or made me do it, it was all me!

I don't think asking a BS to fight would be fair. We shattered their hearts, broke our vows, shared ourselves with else. Damn, reading this see how much of an idiot I was.

I am merely saying enforce your stance to help the WS get it. this does not mean you carry their burden..this just means you make them realize they have a burden to carry.

if only this were possible...there are many a bs who has tried...but "making" them realize is a fool's errand...noone can make anyone do anything much less see what they are blind to...

the ws's has this burden to carry alone...and bs's responsiblity is to the bs and only to the bs...the ws is the one who ran it off, it is the ws who needs to put it back...

It is entirely the WS job to mend things once they "get it"

there are many ws's who never "get it", and sadly much more for them then their bs's...and there is no way to "make" a ws get it...this is something they either do or they don't...and under god's creation of free will, there are many people who in general who use their free will to hurt themselves and others...again i state the bs's responsiblity ends with him/herself...to be responsible to yourself for your own actions, to stand up for oneself, to set your own boundaries...this is not fighting for a marriage but fighting for self-preservation...

and even when a ws wants to get it, there is still nothing that a bs can do to help that along, nor can anyone even say that the ws will ever "get it"......the bs is so wounded, the bs needs to fight for themselves, to see for themselves, to heal themselves because the ws is incapable...now to add to the bs that they "make" them realize anything is just unreasonable...

and again sadly some ws's will never realize any and all their responsiblity...

"getting it" takes so much more the bs's actions, the ws, and each one need to come to this place alone...each ws needs to do their own inventory, they have to do the work, they have to do more then lip service here...and finally hopefully the final connection can be made from a ws who gets it to a ws trying to get it....never mind the ws's who aren't even on a path of getting it because they are in the fog...

just my 2 cents..

eta:

"and finally hopefully the final connection can be made from a ws who gets it to a ws trying to get it...." i got this backwards...it should have said the final connection from a ws trying to get it to a ws who does get it...

my mind works so much faster then i type..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:45 PM, June 6th (Sunday)]

I see the fighting a different way floridaman. I did fight, but for me, to get me back.

On Dday, I told him I loved him but would not be in the way if he wanted to go to her and stay there. He only had to pack a bag. He had to make a decision and stick with it. And he had to make that night, right away. He chose to stay.

The next day, I lost my job.

So I fought to get another job. I fought to get my self respect back. I fought to find me and clean my act of some toxic behaviour I had. He was able to fight alongside me....or not...it was his choice. At one point, very early in R, we both started the same fight, the one for our M.

Not all of us knew there was someone we were supposed to be fighting. Some of us were working our asses off trying to fix what our WS were telling us was broken, without a clue that the real problem was that there was an unknown "other" involved.