Last week STBX told me he missed me, never wanted to ever hurt me again, etc. He then gave me a speech about how his CSAT told him he should not have any emotional relationship with anyone, especially me, for a year.
This weekend, STBX disappeared and went to visit OW1 600 miles away. They haven't talked in over a year and he has had other relationships since. I only found out through credit card records - he refuses to take my name off the account even though I have asked him to.
Why did discovery of him traveling to see OW hurt me so? I have accepted that our marriage is over...however, he bailed on our son yesterday so I confronted him. His explanation was that he has an addiction and I would never understand. He said that his addiction "made him do it."
What? Are you telling me that the addiction forced him to buy a plane ticket, get on that plane and disappear to go see the woman who contributed to the breakup of our marriage? I can't believe he is using his addiction as justification or a tool for his bad behavior.
Maybe this is normal, but I am confused and hurt all over again. This is a lesson to be learned - stick to the 180. I guess I always held out hope that we could be friendly. I have known this guy since I was a teenager.
Is this all normal?
[This message edited by mommyblonde at 7:00 PM, August 24th (Tuesday)]
It is so hard to say what is 'normal' when you are dealing with a SA. OTOH, seems like it is 'normal' to hurt like heck when you try to be in a relationship with them for any length of time.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Long story short, a year ago, my Wh was diagnosed as a SA by two seperate IC. He kind of dismissed what they had to say. So did I, enabler that I am. I thought that we had "moved past" his infidelity and that he would never cheat on me again (a threesome with a couple, only twice, ONS according to him) only to find out last month they contacted him and he replied. He tells me he never got the chance to cheat on me but he and I both know he would have gone through with it.
I told him I wanted a divorce but finally agreed to go to MC with him. We have 2 DD's and I just can't seem to imagine life without our family unit.
The MC we saw REALLY opened my eyes. She finally convinced me (and my WH) that he indeed does have a SA. Major time spent cruising adult sites online, tons of masturbating, childhood sexual abuse. After speaking to my WH, she also made me see that he was a denial over his SA. She pointed out as well that I was enabling his behaviour.
Fast forward to tonight. WH is still at home. Tonight he went to his first SAA meeting. I'm seeing an IC starting next week. He's looking for someone in our area that specializes in this field.
I don't know how I feel. We had a huge talk last weekend. A much more meaningful and honest talk then we did last year when I first found out his cheating.
I stupidly still love this man. I told him "one strike and you're out" yet he's still around. I feel like I'm weak, a pushover. I've talked to my best friend about it and she says that I'm strong, a lot stronger then she would have been.
I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could predict the future. I wish I could see into my WH heart to see for myself that he's sincere. That's not true, I know he's sincere. I believe that he thinks he's sincere. But that's right now. What about a few months down the road when life starts getting hectic again - what then?
Could someone share positive stories about life with a SA? I need it right about now.
I sent you a PM.
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring;
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;
it is the realisation that
I must not control another.
To 'let go' is not to fix;
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle
arranging all the outcomes;
but to allow others to effect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past;
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less
and love more.
Two kids, I could have written your story as my own. We have SO MUCH in common except I have a few more OW to deal with.
SO hard especially with a child.
multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage
He "only" received HJ's from them, (massage parlors) but he might as well had intercourse too -- the pain is the same.
Is there anyone out there whose WS has been with several prostitues? How do you stop yourself from feeling sick all the time? Does it really get better?
He is truly remorseful, in 12-step, IC, and MC, but I just don't know if I can ever be in a comfortable place with him again. So many women. Oh my God, so many women!!!
I am going to try to answer your question about the mind movies. Without going into specifics, my H has spent 3/4 of his life acting out, so of course there has been acting out with prostitutes! In fact, I would say that I differ from 99% of the BS on SI because my H never had what I would term an A or an "OW". He did a lot of acting out, but not in the context of a relationship. This makes perfect sense to me now, seeing that SA is an intimacy avoidance disorder.
Interestingly enough, it is not just us that struggle with mind movies. My H said that for the first few months in his recovery program he struggled with the decades of mind movies he had. He said sometimes he had to literally smack his own head, to get the thoughts to pop out. When my H was new in recovery (has been in recovery for 11 months now), I could see him struggling emotionally as he started feeling things again. For so many years SA was his coping mechanism in dealing with a childhood fraught with abuse of every kind, including sexual abuse. Maybe this will sounds like rug sweeping to some or as if I am very detached, but I look at him and think he was a very sick individual, and not that I am making excuses for his behavior at all, but that I understand the compulsions that drove his addiction. There are days where he will still try to deny things are on his mind, and say that "everything is fine". He is still working on really feeling and expressing emotions, to build intimacy with me.
Most of the time (there are times I trigger, too), when I think of the past, it is the past. To get past some of the hurtful things that have happened in 17 years of marriage, I had to let go and truly forgive him. I did this very early on. I don't think forgiveness is something that can be forced, though. I did it for both of us. I am a person who can hold a grudge forever, and I had been tallying his wrongs in my head for years. I think what helps me not to trigger when I am with him intimately is to remain engaged with him. I can sense when he is engaged. If he is not emotionally engaged with me, we are not going to be having sex.
As far as the prostitutes themselves go, I guess my attitude towards them is different, too, because I feel that in a sense they are victims as well. I don't think people become prostitutes by choice. I am sure this is not a popular opinion, but just mine. If people like my H were not out seeking their services, they would not have been employed. I blame my H more than some faceless woman who had probably been abused. I think that of all his acting out, the prostitutes are the acts that bother me the least. My H has done things that were worse, at least in my mind.
I see my H as someone who is working very hard on his recovery (finally...just took us YEARS to get here!). He is not perfect, but never will be. He is a person who was flawed from childhood, but has many traits that I admire. As long as he stays in recovery, I would like to spend the rest of my life with him. I could not have said that even a year ago; I was just staying until the kids left. I see the progression in my H and the growth. I think those things also give me hope. More importantly, I am also working on myself. I attend S-Anon and I am examining and trying to improve the areas where I have been just as sick as him, such as obsessing over his behaviors or trying to control them. I think that obsession keeps us ill. It takes the focus off of us. I know that I have a long ways to go in becoming healthy. It is not always a popular opinion around here, but I KNOW I was a co-dependent in the relationship, and I can see why we ended up together. I am not saying that you will ever "end up comfortable with him" or that continuing your marriage is even the right thing for you. We all are in different situations in that regard.
I am not sure if any of this helped or made sense, but I am sure someone else will be along to offer their opinions, as well.
[This message edited by TooManyYears at 5:01 AM, August 28th (Saturday)]
After he was done watching his show, I told him, "If I were 500lbs in a nightie you would have been all over me."
He said, "Don't start on that. You know I don't like that anymore."
ANYMORE??? Oh, like a switch, he turned off what what he is attracted to the very day of discovery? Admitted that was what he liked throughout our relationship and not me???
I said, "Apparently you still do. Because it didn't suddenly become ME who turns you on." He rolled over and went to sleep.
I know I am fairly attractive. I see that men notice me. I feel so lonely.
He is so stupid.
This is the most overwhelming thing in my life that I have ever experienced. I have dealt with death of a parent, illness of a child, financial stressor -- you name it -- I've had it.
But this. This is nuts.
I just can't seem to get past the AMOUNT of women this man has been with. He makes Tiger look like a school boy.
I know he has an addiction. I know that he had a horrible childhood, filled with neglect and sexual abuse. i can intellectualize the who "sexual addiction" thing -- but emotionally I just can't get past it.
I am the type of person who holds a grudge. I do not forgive very easily. I just don't know if I will be able to forgive him.
I just don't know if we can ever have sex again without me thinking about what these women did to/with him. I am so disgusted.
Plus -- he is still in denial about the damage he has done to our relationship. After 8 months of recovery -- he is "just starting to get it" that what we had is gone. He thinks that because we are living in the same house and I have not filed for divorce -- we are still "together" He does not even sleep in our bed! (he is in the guest room).
Sorry -- I am just all over the place tonight.
I am lonely too. Being with a sex addict is a lonely place to be, isn't it? They have a horrible time with intimacy. It makes you second-guess your worth, your beauty, and your sanity.
You are beautiful.
We all are.
Tonight he and I went to the movies. I was angry at him for leaving me standing in the lobby alone for over 15 minutes while he yakked with some people he knew at the ticket counter. He said to me, "You always ruin everything."
I snapped back, "No, I had nothing to do with that. It was YOU who ruined everything... EVERYTHING."
It is so true, isn't it? Everything that is wrong in my life, in his life, in our relationship, is because of what he did. But they have to blame-shift.
It is indeed a lonely place we are in. It is hard to feel beautiful, no matter how many people tell you that you are, how many men look at you, etc, when the only one that you wanted to be beautiful for is so blind.
[This message edited by kitty litter at 1:22 PM, August 30th (Monday)]
go to sexhelp.com
That is Patrick Carnes website. He is the greatest authority on sexual addiction. On the upper right corner there is a quiz you/your partner can take.
There is also a bunch of information that 7yrsbetrayed has posted. I will find it and bump it up for you.
I hope this helps.
The post with great info is in the Just Found Out forum. I bumped it up for you.
sorry I forgot to tell you!!