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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
Lacy J
♀ Member
Member # 27714
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great ides Knutz! I will do that


Me- 26
Him- 27
Little Dude- 2
Separated- beginning of March

D-Day 2/18/10: 5+ years of porn, online dating, and cybersex and $20,000 secret cc debt to do so.

D-Day 3/24/10: 2 ONS's and EA/make out with old g/f

Filed for D 8/23/10


Posts: 654 | Registered: Feb 2010
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong and focused today sister!!!!!


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Lacy J
♀ Member
Member # 27714
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, September 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Knutz! It went well today!! I wrote a follow up on my thread in general!

xoxoxoxoxo


Me- 26
Him- 27
Little Dude- 2
Separated- beginning of March

D-Day 2/18/10: 5+ years of porn, online dating, and cybersex and $20,000 secret cc debt to do so.

D-Day 3/24/10: 2 ONS's and EA/make out with old g/f

Filed for D 8/23/10


Posts: 654 | Registered: Feb 2010
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, he swears it was "just porn." When I discovered his secret email account last April, I had found emails from a biker dating site, but he vehemently denied he belonged to it, that it was just "spam." But I went off on him before I could investigate, and he closed the email account or changed the password. Whatever.

So last night I went to that biker dating site: BikerPlanet. And did the "lost password" thing and used his "deleted" email addy and it found his account and said an email with his password was sent to it. I tried it with my email and it said my email address was not found.

It appears he has had an account on a dating site. Wouldn't you think?

Looks like it may have not been "just porn."


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It appears he has had an account on a dating site. Wouldn't you think?

Yes, he had or still has an account.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sick of all this. If I had a way to get out of this house (mortgage, etc) and not be so dependant on his income too, I would end this relationship right now.

I think he has a profile there. The profile is in the same town (very small town), same age, but the photo is not him. Could he have put up a dummy photo to cover his ass? The profile's name is "gman"... (he's a guitar player)

I'm going to get more proof before I confront this time.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau: I am nit dependent on my SAWH's uncome and fled for divorce last week. Guess what WH is doing? Igbiring the papers. Has not mentiined them. I am fed up! He has an EA still with the same PA partner. He is trying to tak to me etc. But I think its too late.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Finallyatpeace
♂ Member
Member # 29570
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knutz stated I just cant get over the number of partners.

It's crazy isn't it! Maybe I'm messed up but at first I was shocked and as the numbers kept going up it actually turned to something like wow, you are so good at time management

No wonder she ever had any spare time...


Posts: 59 | Registered: Sep 2010
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confronted him with his membership on a dating site Biker Planet.

All along he denied he ever had been to that site and that it was spam. When confronted him today that I knew he had joined it, he said he didn't even remember. Now he tells me that he didn't know it was a dating site when he joined it. He said he thought it was just a biker community thing. OH PULEEEEEEZ.

Check it out and tell me what you think. Is there any way anyone would think it is anything else?

bikerplanet.com

My leg has just been pissed on. And I was told it was raining.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, September 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now last night he said he "might" have signed up just to "look around" ... maybe back when we were having "problems."

Problems??? The problems began for him the day he started into porn. And they really began when I discovered everything.

He lost his job last week. Now that means he has more time on his hands. And lately has been on his computer at night again after I go to sleep.

He hasn't looked at porn... but... Last night he was looking at Facebook, and some sleazy skank replied to his friend's post, "You should see my tits. They're so huge"

So what did he do??? He looked at her profile. Then looked at her photos. WTFWTFWTF????

She didn't have any inappropriate photos of herself, but he was looking for some. Oh yes he was. Dirty fucking bastard.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Nouveau)) I've been exactly where you are and I know how hurt and angry you must be. Stress levels must be really high now that he lost his job, and your gut is telling you he will try to self-medicate with porn. If he is in a downward spiral, don't let him take you with him. You know exactly who he is and what he is capable of doing; stop snooping, 180 him, and try to find some peace for yourself.

You can't stop his descent, but you can let him know you will not go there with him! You already know what the truth is. Don't play his mind games anymore! I know its easier said than done, but it is time to detach, detach, detach. Start living a life that makes you happier and saner!




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
3 is a crowd
♀ Member
Member # 23065
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need some advice. If you need more info you can read my profile. Been R since D-day on 1-28 09. FWH and I went to IC and MC. After abour 3-4 IC sessions my FWH told me his counselor said he didn't need come back. He told me that his counselor didn't feel he had an sexual addiction.

Well....this is my new concern and where I need help and advice.

I was putting something in my FWH glove box and to my SHOCK I found a porn mag and a male sex toy. If you really need to know what the toy was you can PM me.I was utterly shocked me.

I called him and told him we needed to talk. He started the what did I do. I haven't done anything. Blah, Blah, Blah. Well, he called me back and said there was something we needed to talk about.

I never mentioned what I found. He came home said that all the adult mags and movies needed to go in the trash. He threw them all away. I said that didn't really matter because he could easily drive to an adult store and buy more.

I don't know how to handle this situation.

Do I ask why he had that stuff in his car?
Do I ask where he uses it?
Do I ask when he uses it?

I have asked him before if masturbation is an issue and he has said no. Now I find that stuff in his car?

Please tell me how I should handle this. Any advice is appreciated.

There are no counselors in our area that specialize in SA.

Thanks, 3


Me BS 53
Him FWS 51
Married 14 yrs
D-days were numerous
Final D-day with full confession 01/28/09

Posts: 189 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Out West
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I ask why he had that stuff in his car?
Do I ask where he uses it?
Do I ask when he uses it?

Yes, yes, and yes. Then, whatever he answers, gently but firmly tell him obsessive compulsive use of any substance or activity to relieve stress is considered an addiction disorder.

Ask him to go to recoverynation.com and read it there for himself. Then let him peruse this forum and see if he doesn't recognize his behavior for exactly what it is ... a hurtful and self destructive compulsion that robs him of any real intimacy with you.

I sometimes read the posts here in this forum aloud for my husband ... its important to acknowledge the raw consequences of such compulsions. As you have already found, avoiding the issue and rug sweeping do not work in the long term.

I hope he is really ready to come clean with you, accept your loving support, and find healthier ways to cope with his stress.
((((3))))




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After abour 3-4 IC sessions my FWH told me his counselor said he didn't need come back. He told me that his counselor didn't feel he had an sexual addiction.

He's probably lying. Unless the counselor said these words directly to you, I wouldn't believe your husband.

He is an addict and he doesn't want to give it up.

He is acting out.

Go to page 3 and read my advice. YOU need to do things for you. Read the books I recommend. Find a counselor. Are you absolutely certain there are no CSATs anywhere near you? Have you used the link in my list of resources? If not, try that.

There is no point in asking him about what you found in his glovebox because he's going to lie. He's protecting his addiction.

Do the 180 on him. Detach. He needs to see that acting out has consequences and that you're no longer going to be the loving, supportive, co-dep wife. Why should you continue to cook, clean etc for him as long as he is acting out and not seeking treatment? You shouldn't.

Take care of YOU. Focus on YOU and what YOU want. In regards to his SA: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,

I was hoping to get some advice from all of you. I am posting in a couple of places to keep my bases covered.

My WH is a SA. Had been going to massage parlors for 7 years for, shall we say, manual gratification, addicted to porn (not online), had secret debt, spent down a large chunk of our savings for paying off that debt.

He has been going to 12-step mtgs for 6 months, has been transparent about his whereabouts and spending habits. I am pretty sure he is not acting out (can we ever be really sure anymore?). We are both in IC and MC. We are both committed to R at this point.

My problem is this: because he grew up in a home where hs parents did not model how to express emotions, or encourage him to express emotions, he as an adult is unable to show any TRUE emotions about how he destroyed our relationship.

He cannot grieve the loss that I grieve, he does not feel the pain that I feel. I have told him, showed him, emailed him, suggested books/articles etc to read about it -- but he CANNOT do it. I cannot understand how someone can do what he did, and not be able to have a "Oh my God, what have I done" moment.

My IC says that it will take a long time to be able to accrue these tools for him to show me how he really feels about what he did. it may take more than a year.

I am currently doing the 180. Not talking to him about anything he did. Nothing. So now, he does not speak to me AT ALL. He comes home and basically ignores me. It is like living with a robot. If I don't initiate a conversation, it does not happen. We only talk about household stuff and the kids. I am going nuts.

If any of you have been in this situation -- in general, how long did it take your SO to come out of the fog and really see the damage that they caused? How long should I wait for him to come out of the fog?

Any advice you can give would be great.

I just feel so sad, lonely and rejected.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Aisling
♀ Member
Member # 25848
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear knutz,

I found out about the other people in my relationship in Oct of last year. It took until August 21st this year for my WS to give me what I believe was the first truthful glimpse of the shape and extent of his issues. Even though your WS has been engaged in a 12-step programme he may not be actually being true to himself. Have a look at what recoverynation.com says about active and passive recovery.

Perhaps given his history he might be well able to manage how you are both dealing with this. Perhaps hugs and kind words from you would help you both and break through the fog? My coping mechanism is to detach, I've spent a lot of my life like this. I am trying to be otherwise.

This is not to minimise the GIANT UNFAIRNESS that is the COMPLETE CRAPNESS of your new reality living with SA. I am trying to wrap my head around it too.

Love and hugs to you,

A xxxxxxxxxx

[This message edited by Aisling at 3:34 PM, September 15th (Wednesday)]


Me-BS(39); Him-WS(42)
Together 8 yrs, (were) engaged for July 2010, 2 children (his)
D-Day 12/10/09 - attemped EAs for mths, 1(known)PA
TT til 02/03/2011 - was never faithful
May 2011 - diagnosed SA, in therapy

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Aisling,

The thing is, I just can't give him hugs and words of encouragement right now. I have had that role of "icebreaker" throughout our relationship. I made all the decisions -- what to eat, where to live, when to have sex, where the kids went to preschool, etc. I am just so sick of it. I feel like if I initiate all this for him to be able to express himself to me, then it will not be sincere -- it will feel fake. Maybe I am just stubborn. I don't know. I just want to feel wanted -- I want to feel like our relationship mattered to him -- that he is just as upset as I am that he crapped all over it.

God, I hate this!


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, September 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knutz, someone else posted something about this earlier. That often this "silence" of 180 is just what a SA wants. So he can continue his merry addiction without having to deal with us and the feelings associated. They would rather face our silence than to try and crack their frozen glacier of denial.

I don't know what is right or wrong in dealing with a SA right now. All I know is he is beginning a downward spiral and I am trying desperately to detach. I am trying to focus on my music that I love, my work and my kitties. Trying to focus on me. It is so hard.

Especially when I just discovered today that he has a secret computer somewhere. That I know for a fact.

I will not confront him with it. I am going to try so hard tonight not to give a shit what he does. He doesn't give a shit how badly he hurt me, and continues to hurt me, knowing how sick I have been in the past.

Then maybe it's going to suck for him when he finds out that I no longer give a damn about him either.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
cafeaulait
♀ Member
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC says that it will take a long time to be able to accrue these tools for him to show me how he really feels about what he did. it may take more than a year.

Going through this right now too. WH has verbalized remorse/disgust/sadness over past actions and acting out that got us to this point (separated)...however those verbalizations are state almost matter of factly. He is not able to display or react with emotion at this point in his recovery. His CSAT has told him that this is "normal" (WTF is normal in this situation - lol) and because he has removed all his addictive acting out (Sexual, alcohol and spending) he no longer has any of his familiar coping mechanisms - and the only way he can deal with emotions is by shutting down / shutting off. I know it is extremely frustrating


Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
This came through email and I thought it might help with some clarity for some of you.


"He's making me crazy. I don't understand. Why would someone say they were going to do one thing, then do something so different from what they say? He looks so good and talks so good. His promises sound so, so real, but then everything falls apart. Then about the time I'm ready to blow a gasket, he calls, charms my socks off, and the whole cycle starts over again. I walk away, scratching my head and wondering, What's wrong with me? Did I just imagine this whole thing? Did I overact? I don't get it, I don't understand.

Maybe it's time for an S-Anon meeting.

And when we're talking on the phone, I feel like I'm the only one for him. But then when I see him, I know he's lying to me. I know he's seeing someone else and standing there looking me right in the eyes and lying about it. I don't understand why I feel so insane.

Maybe it's time for an S-Anon meeting.

And then I catch him straight-out lying to me, and I blow up. I just can't stand that lying stuff, especially when I knew all the time he was lying to me and he denied it. I put up with it and put up with it and then finally I can't take it anymore. By the time I blow up, he's standing there looking calm and serene and I'm acting like an insane person.

It's not you, It's him. How about that meeting?

Oh yeah. That S-Anon meeting.

"Step One: Powerless over people, places, and things. My life has become unmanageable." Take a deep breath. Say it again. Then say it one more time.


Detach in love. Disentangle. Un-embroil yourself from other people's insanity so you can be restored to sanity. It's a value many of us learned the hard way."


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
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