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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 5
TenaciousBW
♀ New Member
Member # 29058
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was assigned to read OUT OF THE SHADOWS and he freaked half way through. He interpreted as being "a monster" that would progress into being "a rapist" or "a pedophile" guaranteed. He wouldnt read any further. When I read the chapters he had read I saw nothing close to what he read.

My husband walks around sarcastically saying things like "watch out, remember Im a sexual deviant".

He is extrememely bitter and angry. What is this? I mean he can see that his acting out was more than just a man having an affair, in his case multiple affairs..at least 8 that I know of. He can admit that he was out of control,,posting on Craigslist for oral sex, looking at porn 3 hours plus a day, cybersex, chatting...but somehow he can still twist it all around and make it mean that he was just "unhappy in the marriage..." blah blah blah...

Its infuriating. WE ARE WASTING SO MUCH TIME!!!!!!!!!WE ARE WASTING MY SONS CHILDHOOD WHILE HE DICKS AROUND NOT ACCEPTING THIS AND MAKING OUR LIVES MISERABLE!
Last night my son drew a picture of the 3 of us in a broken heart holding hands. In the picture I was crying and he was crying but his father was not and he wrote underneath it "Its his fault, Its our loss" with his father saying "I dont care"

[This message edited by TenaciousBW at 2:23 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: United States
Kjersti
♀ Member
Member # 23316
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to tell you, TBW, that I understand what you're feeling and I emphathize with your pain.


Posts: 1829 | Registered: Mar 2009
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 4 Core Beliefs of a Sex Addict:

An addict's belief system contains certain core beliefs that are faulty or inaccurate and, consequently, provide a fundamental momentum of problematic behavior and addiction. Simply put, these are the four core beliefs:
1. I am basically a bad unworthy person.
2. No one would love me as I am. ("If you knew me, really knew me. You would leave me.")
3. My needs are never going to be met if I depend on others.
4. Sex is my most important need. (or Sex is the most important sign of love.)

TenaciousBW: You are still hoping to control him and you can't. You are still expecting him to behave in ways he is not capable of right now. (He may never be ready.)

Seek a CSAT for YOURSELF. Do YOUR work. Learn to set healthy boundaries and consequences.

In regards to the partner's SA: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

Everyone: should I repost a revised list of resources like I've done in every thread?

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! You certainly should post the resources.

(I would like to know about the book you mentioned once about rebuilding intimacy; Sacred Marriage or something?)


I wanted to add to what 7yrs has said, something I didn't realize for a long time.

Even if he does decide to start a true recovery, it takes a very long time to see empathy, and honesty, vulnerability. The very things you are hoping for, will most likely take a long time to see consistently, even if he starts working on himself today.

Again one of those reasons to take care of ourselves right now, regardless what they do.

I used to fight that advice and now it is what keeps me sane.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if he does decide to start a true recovery, it takes a very long time to see empathy, and honesty, vulnerability. The very things you are hoping for, will most likely take a long time to see consistently, even if he starts working on himself today.

My rSA got very serious about his recovery from the get go and worked really hard but I didn't get any of those things from him until he'd been sober for probably 2 years or more. It's a LONG process and you have to take care of YOU. He'll get better or he won't, you have to focus on yourself and your recovery.

~~~~~~~~
Ok, I'll revise and update the list and take out the link to the thread that doesn't exist anymore and then I'll post.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I can deal with this for 2 years. I'm not young anymore and I've already wasted so many years trying to deal with unhealthy relationships.

I don't know if I have the strength left (I've had cancer twice.. very serious breast cancer) or if I have enough love in my heart for him to deal with this that long.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
TenaciousBW
♀ New Member
Member # 29058
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I have already been dealing with this heartache for 2 years now. Dday was 2 years ago. He was in counseling all that time but not with a CSAT. Wasted time! He was remorseful the first year and put a lot of effort into trying to make amends in the marriage. Funny that now that he is seeing a CSAT and doing 12 step all of that has changed. You would think he would be even more remorseful but he is bitter and angry instead. I cant figure out the change in him.

I have a facebook question. Against his CSAT's advice he has opened up a facebook account. Has had it 2 months now. He never discussed it with me he just opened one up. I have had one for about 2 years and it was a constant sore spot with him because he was jealous that I could have one and he couldnt. At first I thought it would be ok because facebook is only people you know as compared to myspace which was what he used to find all his sexual partners and all were strangers. Also he was only friending men or women we both knew and I felt ok about tho he never asked my opinion. The first week one of these women turned out to be too sexually charged and he crossed the line and I had to have him remove her from his friends list. Since then his friends list has increased but so far it was just more men. Today I saw he added 4 more freinds with 3 of them being females. All are from his highschool days. 2 I could see him sexually fantasizing about. One of them has a very sexy profile picture tho she is married. She is local but he had affairs with local married women. I know nothing about any of these women. I feel more and more uncomfortable about the facebook account. In addition he is not working on recovery and is setting his ducks in a row I believe for acting out behavior...rejecting me completely, setting himself up in the marriage to feel "lonely and angry and unsatisfied" even tho HE is doing all the rejecting.

When he started with his new CSAT who is Carnes trained 12 weeks ago his CSAT told me I would be asked in every 4rth visit. I saw him because I had started sessions with him for ME but gave him up so my husband could have him instead of me. Well 12 weeks later I have never been asked in. After a phone call asking why I got the message on my phone that "It would be inappropriate at this time for a couple of reasons, that he could only suggest to my husband that I come in, and he has suggested it, and in the end my husband has to agree to it since it is HIS IC" so in other words my husband has been lying to me about not knowing WHY I havent been told to come in-its because he has not wanted me to come in. I dont know what the "reasons" would be that the CSAT was referring to....maybe some acting out behavior that is going on? ....Anyways....regarding the facebook thing I can not have this conversation with my husband on my own. Every simple conversation turns into a horrible fight with the end result being I get verbally abused and he wants a divorce. But if he is going to do facebook against his CSAT advice and mine I would like that out of respect for my pain, his addiciton and acting out history, that he would consider before 'friending" females that he at least discuss it with me. I dont think that he will respect that request but I would at least like to have the conversation with his CSAT present amongst a few other questions I have like will terms of sobriety ever be established with this man, and when would he ever start working the steps....topics that CAN NOT be discussed just the two of us. I would at least like to know the answers to those questions.

Or is this just me trying to CONTROL him again and I need to do none of those things and just let him act out if he is going to act out? This all seems crazy to me. If you are going to say you have to let him do what he is going to do and you have to set your own boundries, well what I dont get is what would be an example of a boundry in this situation? Threaten divorce? This is what I am having a hard time understanding. I feel so stupid and like a big giant door mat.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: United States
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
I do not know if I am supposed to post here as I am the SA but here it is for as long as hte mods let it be. I have been an SA for many years going to SA meetings 10 years ago because I was caught one of many times by my wonderful BW. I did not take the meeting seriously and thought I was better than all of them. Fast forward to 1 year 4 months ago. I was caught again. This time my BW looked me straight in the eyes and said dispassionaly, "I know what you have been doing and I do not care about you anymore. You will move out of the bedroom and live somewhere else in the house." Thank God for the housing market or she would have deservedly thrown my butt out. Well the good news is that I started going to SA meetings and started seeing a great CSAT. I have a sponsor and have developed a real spirituality. I now see and understand my emotions and feelings. I know admit and feel for every bit of pain I put my BW my family and others through. We are in a much better place, and along with a few other SA couples started a weekly couples meeting. I have never been happier and I know that my BW sees this. She has come a long way in her recovery as well. I can not say we will last forever but I can say next to God and my family my sobriety is a main focus.

I just hope that this story might give some of you the hope you so richly deserve having to have endured any part of what I put my BW through.
Thanks,
G

Feel free to PM or have your SAs PM me.


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, G.

I don't think me banishing my husband to his office (aka the pornatorium) would have much of an effect.

The only thing that has seemed to break through any of his denial has been me actually preforming investigative work & putting the results in his face. I hate that I have to resort to that, and I hate that he denies & denies until I stick proof in his face.

I do have some hope now that he's going to SAA. In terms of addressing the damage to our marraige, it's just not really happening. Given that I've had no honest disclosure, my trust level in him is close to zero.

Thanks for the story of your recovery. It does, indeed, give hope.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I have recently had my "investigating" called into question as being unhealthy, I want to know if having a huge collection of evidence might someday break through the denial. Will my "evidence" help me in any way in court and with custody? Is it harming me, because I don't feel obsessed. I don't feel much of anything most of the time. Numb. I get the eblaster reports. I file the emails, sort the reports for evidence of porn and total hours online engaged in behaviors. And then I log out and come here. And the rest of the time I spend with my children and my laundry and my kitchen. I have conversations with my friends and family and get feedback that sends me back here. I am in counseling, I am seeing a doctor and on meds. I am doing the best I can.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caregiver, I am new to this SA nightmare, so I can't answer your questions, but I sure can relate.

It was a few months ago my SA SO and I were talking about the prom. I told him I did not go to my senior prom, and he told me that he didn't either. He told me that back when he was a teen he thought it was "UNCOOL" to go to a prom and he never went.

Tonight when I was trying to hack into his bank online, I got asked a security question, "Whom did you go to the senior prom with?" I didn't know the answer so it asked me another question which I happened to know and it let me in. So I looked at his account security info and out of the long list of security questions to choose from, he DID choose 3:
1. The name of his high school
2. The month his mother was born
3. And who he went TO THE FUCKING PROM WITH!!!!

WTF????? WHY CAN'T HE EVER TELL THE F'ING TRUTH????

If he can't be honest about something so innocent as the damned prom, how can I believe him about anything else?? Lying sack of shit...


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Nouveau, did you try the answer "nobody"?

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know the answer as to healthy and unhealthy in terms of the snooping.

That's how I found out about the first infidelity. I knew something was wrong and I got absolutely nowhere trying to ask what was wrong. Personally, I feel that if someone is putting my security and physicl health at risk, I have a right to know.

My trust was so broken that I continued checking on things for about a year after we reconciled. It began as an obsession, but over time it became just a way to see that actions were matching words actually helped me to rebuild trust (feels pretty silly to say that now).

About 2 years ago, I started noticing creepy feelings about him & the porn stuff. Again, when I asked, I got lies. I tried to learn to live with it, but the cost was that I shut down to my husband emotionally and sexually.

When I began noticing big icky intuition feelings again early this summer, I did what I did when I suspected the first A: installed monitoring software. I found an EA leading into a PA, 2-3 hours a night of porn & many cheater/dating sites. Do I have a right to know the truth when I am being gaslighted? I think I do.

If I hadn't have checked, I would not have had irrefutable evidence that my WS was an SA. If I hadn't have confronted my WS, he wouldn't have agreed to go to SA meetings in the first place--just as G described: it took his wife's confrontation to get his out of denial and into reality.

My personal feelings are that I would rather NOT feel that I have to resort to investigating. Since I DO feel like I have to have some way to keep me informed about things that directly affect me. It's a tricky thing though--and can lead to obsession. If it becomes an obsession, I'm acting like just as much an addict as the addict.

[This message edited by Tal at 12:45 AM, July 29th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition he is not working on recovery and is setting his ducks in a row I believe for acting out behavior...rejecting me completely, setting himself up in the marriage to feel "lonely and angry and unsatisfied" even tho HE is doing all the rejecting.

This sounds very, very familiar. This is what I have been living with for many years. I can only describe it as peeing in your own pool, then refusing to swim in it or clean it because it's yucky!

I am so thankful to finally be out of my own denial about the SA. If I weren't talking to and listening to others who have this issue in their lives, I wouldn't hear stuff like this that is SPOT ON!


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone: should I repost a revised list of resources like I've done in every thread?

Yes, 7, please do!

Thank you :)

And some day I have to figure out how you knew WH was SA 2 years ago and I did not...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal, funny you should say that. I did put in "nobody" and it wouldn't accept that answer.

So went through some old photos of him and his first wife, whom he dated through high school. I never knew her name before now, figured it was irrelevant. (until now) On the back of a photo was her name.

Went back to his bank site and it asked the prom question. Put in her name and voila! I was in.

So he lied. Again. How much of the past 6 years have been lies? Who am I living with?


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau: I don't know who you are living with. If he is anything like my husband, he's basically a good man who is terrified of emotional honesty and vulnerabilty. He would also be a man that can't deal well with anything that brings up emotional pain, so he runs from it and finds ways to distract himself & numb out. If he is true to form, he has emotionally immature coping skills in some areas.

I don't think you can be in a committed relationship if you are a person like that unless you become very good at deception, rationalization & denial.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Again,

Sorry to butt in but think what I have to say might resonate with some of you and if it helps even one then that is good. I know that my wife snooped somehow. I do not want to know how and have told her that. Her finding out was very good. It let her know that she has good intuition and that she should trust it. I highly recommend if you are the spouse of an SA whether they be in recovery or still in active addiction search out local or phone S-ANON meetings. Once you do know that you are right the meetings will help you face the fact that not only is what WE (the SA) do not your fault but you are powerless over us. An SA must come to their own conclusion that they are powerless. Once We do we can start a journey into recovery. Please feel free to PM my BW has complete access to this account so if she can add value (like there is an if to that) she will.
Thanks,
G


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

links for SA phone meetings
http://www.denversa.org/Misc/phnflyer.pdf

There are no Phone S-AnON meetings but there is a quarterly newletter link below. There is a cost but here you go:

http://www.sanon.org/sanews.htm


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
gimmeechocolate
♀ Member
Member # 22704
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,,
I'm new to this thread.
My FWH is a SA. He has been addicted to porn since he was a teenager. After I confronted him about the porn (again) he made a promise to stop. I believe that he really did stop. But I'm afraid this behavior is so ingrained that he won't be able to stop forever unless he gets help.
There are no CSAT therapists in our area (closest is about 1.5 hours away).
How often would a SA have to see the therapist?
How should I approach/ask my FWH to see one?


BS: Me, 37
WS: Him, 37
Married 10 years
2 Kids, 7 and 4
D Day 1: Sept. 16 2008 (after over a year of gaslighting)
EA (no PA as far as i know)for almost 2 years
False R:09/16/08-10/31/
Reconciling 10/31/08- now
D-Day 2: Feb. 24: Long Term EA/PA

Posts: 291 | Registered: Feb 2009
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